By achieving success and winning life victories, you can become a victim ...
"Should I get a divorce from my husband?" - such a question will never arise in a family filled with love and understanding. At a time when the current relationship does not satisfy both partners, the decision to break up is much easier. But if family life does not suit only you, how to overcome insecurity and dare to take full responsibility? Let's discuss this.
What if family life is not satisfying?Possible reasons for divorce
Psychologists believe that a break in a relationship for a woman due to mental stress is equal to a loss loved one... Therefore, before getting married, it is worth considering for what reasons there is a desire to divorce in order to make as few mistakes as possible in family life and save future children from worries.
Destroy love relationship you can for any reason, but let's look at the most common causes of divorce:
- marriage in the heat of passion. The basis of such a union was only sex. If there is no common outlook on life, husband and wife quickly get bored with each other. Reckless actions very often lead to a break in relations;
- the most common reason for divorce is the betrayal of one of the partners. It is difficult to forgive the infidelity of a loved one, and if this situation has been repeated several times, then the desire to divorce comes instantly;
- could not stand each other's characters. The breakdown of a relationship is inevitable when both partners, due to their pride, have no desire to give in and rub against their loved one;
- the birth of the first child becomes a difficult test for young families. At this moment, both partners need to take all responsibility seriously, learn to sacrifice their selfish desires, treat each other with love and care;
- people can get divorced for the slightest domestic disputes, but everyone knows that this is just a screen behind which lies the true reason for the breakup.
A common reason for divorce is cheating on one of the partners. What are the consequences of rash divorces?
Having survived an unsuccessful marriage, people draw the wrong conclusions, they say "all women are hysterics" or "every man is a selfish creature," and on the basis of this opinion subsequent relationships will be built. Children suffer the most after the breakup of the family. In their understanding, parents are a holy inseparable whole, and when it breaks, the baby develops a wrong idea of family life. Another psychological stress is the division of property, which, in a painful state, moves from a showdown over who gets the car to deciding who the children will be left with.
Divorce after infidelity
Women and men may have different reasons why they decide to cheat on their partner. However, not everyone takes into account that any manifestation of infidelity can lead to divorce. Despite the fact that human morality and religious teachings condemn treason, this problem remains relevant to this day.
Many men attribute their betrayal to the presence of a primitive instinct. They argue that resistance to masculine nature can cause mental illness. However, polygamy in a representative of the stronger sex can be transformed depending on which woman is next to him. Wise wives try to change their image as often as possible and constantly surprise their spouse.
Wise wives try to change their image as often as possible and constantly surprise their men. According to statistics, women resort to adultery much less often than men, and they decide on this act only if they are really unhappy in marriage. The reason for female infidelity can be the desire to receive male attention, which they lack in family life. A girl always needs to feel that her appearance attracts the stronger sex. At times, the husband's compliments of the same type become boring, but the courtship of strangers is perceived as proof of demand.
See also:
Husband because of his wife's infidelity decided to file for divorce: advice from psychologists and lawyers
However, most often, when a man finds out about the betrayal, he instantly breaks off relations with his wife, while the woman tries to maintain the relationship to the last, forgiving her beloved for many misdeeds.
Do I need to divorce my husband?
Often the question "Is it worth divorcing my husband?" arises from the infidelity of a spouse. But this kind of breakup is not necessary, and loving woman tries in every possible way to preserve visibility happy life... However, you should not deceive yourself - forgiving your husband does not guarantee that there will be no new betrayal. In the fear of losing financial stability, it is very difficult to make a decision to divorce, especially if there are children in the marriage.
But it is very rare for a woman to understand that a child sees disrespect in a family since childhood, where infidelity is stable. As they grow up, children notice that dad is unfaithful to mom, and they consider this the norm. Subsequently, they will begin to build their family on the same principle.
Reasons for getting a divorce:
- violence in family relationships... If your husband hit you once, be sure that this situation will happen again. Do not deceive yourself in the hope that he realizes his mistake;
- constant humiliation of your personality. The psychological state of a person is very difficult to treat, and if the spouse asserts himself at the expense of your suffering, you do not need to endure such a life;
- partner's addictions. Cravings for alcohol and drug addiction are common causes of family breakdown. If your chosen one does not want to get out of this state, you have no reason to hold on to such a relationship.
In what situations is it better not to rush to make drastic changes?
- you fell in love with a young, charming and sexy man... Do I need to get divorced because of this? Psychologists are sure that it is not worth rushing into a new relationship like a whirlpool. In most cases, such love quickly passes, and there is a desire to return to past relationships. But will you be accepted back?
- it seems to you that your spouse has ceased to understand you, it has become boring with him. If you really loved your boyfriend, then understand that he is not a clown, but a person who also has personal worries and problems. He also needs your support, so learn to compromise before you say you want to get a divorce;
- a loved one can be forgiven many things, but he must understand your actions and also strive to maintain the relationship. Otherwise, all the attempts made will become another humiliation of your personality.
How do children feel when a family falls apart?
If your family has children, think about whether it is really necessary to inflict a psychological blow on the baby because you had a quarrel with your husband? It is very difficult to divorce because of the children. From birth, a baby gets used to the fact that parents sleep in the same bed, dine at the same table and spend their rest together. Growing up in a complete family, he realizes what a strong and loving relationship should look like.
At the time of the divorce, one of the parents disappears from the field of vision of the children, leaving them in complete confusion and misunderstanding of what is happening. According to statistics, most often men leave the family, and a woman in a stressful situation can rarely calmly explain to a child what happened. As a result, the mother reacts aggressively to the child's question about dad, thereby awakening a sense of guilt in his thoughts.
Children who have reached adolescence, having survived the divorce of their parents, often slip into school and become unmanageable, start stealing and running away from home.
After the family breaks up, the child begins to perceive adults as enemies who cannot be trusted. And the parent who left the family, in his understanding, is presented as a traitor who simply left.
Toddlers preschool age from worries and experiences they get a lot of phobias. The child takes on the character traits of the parent, whom he so lacks. Leaving a family, an adult does not even understand how much he hurts his children. And especially impressionable ones may subconsciously return to infancy, suck a thumb before going to bed, or wet the bed. Often, after the parents divorce, the baby becomes depressed and sick. Therefore, before deciding to divorce, think about the people close to you.
Divorce of parents is a psychological blow for a child. Test "How painless for you to end a relationship?"
Sometimes going through the divorce procedure is much more difficult than forgiving all the betrayals and improving relations. Want to know how to get through this moment easier? Our test will help with this.
How long ago did you realize that you wanted to get a divorce?
- from the first day you felt that this relationship was short-lived - 1 point;
- you have been planning how to leave for a year already - 2 points;
- this decision is sudden - 3 points;
- you have been thinking for a long time that you need to leave, but decided only now - 4 points;
- there is no final decision yet - 5 points.
Does he annoy you or not?
- any trifle that is in it infuriates you - 1 point;
- very often his actions are annoying - 2 points;
- sometimes he is simply unbearable - 3 points;
- you rarely get annoyed - 4 points;
- you are just bored next to him - 5 points.
How strong is your emotionality? Divorce is not easy How do you think your partner will react when you leave?
- anger and accusing you of wanting to get a divorce - 1 point;
- will make attempts to get you back - 2 points;
- will switch his attention to work - 3 points;
- he will not show that he is in pain - 4 points;
- it will upset him greatly - 5 points.
Fear has big eyes. A proverb known from childhood perfectly conveys the feelings of a woman facing the brink of divorce. It is more difficult to make a decision for those who have been married for several years. How to decide on a divorce from your husband without destroying your emotional state, the advice of a psychologist will help.
It is always difficult to go to the gap. To do this is to take responsibility. First of all, for my life and for the life of my children. What prevents you from taking a step towards another life:
- Uncertainty about the future. Those ladies who are financially dependent on their spouses are afraid of this. The lack of housing and work exacerbates the situation.
- The hope that the husband will change his mind, quit drinking, walking and going to the side, will earn a lot of money, give flowers and so on. Underline whatever applicable.
- If not the husband, but the spouse has found a replacement for him, the indecision to put an end to the relationship is intensified by a sense of guilt or, even worse: pity.
- The banal habit of being married makes it difficult to make a decision.
- Fear of leaving children without a father.
- Doubts that it will be possible to get married again, as a result -
- Concern about what loved ones will say. It can be both yours and his relatives, as well as friends and work colleagues.
Let's analyze each point in detail:
Material dependence is an important argument, but only if a woman has never done anything in her life, has no job, no education, and is deprived of the support of loved ones. If you have at least one item in your arsenal without the "not" particle, take action. Just out of place - into the quarry. Prepare the soil. Yes, it will take time, but you will prepare yourself an airbag that will make it easier to get away. Find (change) a job, get an education, solve the issue of housing, ask for temporary support from loved ones.
To hope that the faithful will magically change is, to put it mildly, naive. If you have tried all the methods to save your marriage, but nothing has changed, there is nothing more to wait but complete disappointment from life.
If the reason for the divorce is in you, and pity for your husband keeps you from breaking up, think about basic respect for the person, do not humiliate him with your pity.
The concept of habit combines unwillingness to change something, fear of novelty and hope that everything will work out.
Preserving marriage for the sake of children is the height of imprudence. Nobody will thank you for this. Moreover, seeing two unhappy people living in front of him every day, the child will form a distorted model of family life. Even if you have artistic talent and you play the role of happy spouses, this can only work if the children are very young.
Fear of loneliness ... Ladies, who instilled this idea in you? Isn't he a spouse? As soon as the worries after the divorce process settle down, you can finally take care of yourself, beloved, learn to respect yourself, cherish, and when harmony comes in your soul, then the fear will recede, and you will become
As one wise man said, if you knew how much others do not care about how you look, you would be very surprised. You can listen to the advice of older relatives, girlfriends, look for an answer in numerous forums, you only need to make a decision by listening to your mind.
How to understand when it is time to divorce your spouse: advice from a psychologist
In the course of a married life, the question of divorce arises more than once. He is provoked by quarrels, crises of family relations, affairs on the side. But quarrels subside, crises pass, and a love affair can be forgiven.
What should influence the decision and when to divorce your husband, we will study the advice of a psychologist. There are several reasons that are definitely grounds for divorce:
- Any form of violence, moreover, moral violence is considered a more severe form of impact on the psyche of the victim.
- Narcotic and alcohol addiction if the husband cannot or does not want to get rid of them. To these two weaknesses is added a passion for gambling. At first glance, the reason may not seem convincing, but women who have passed the tape measure understand what it is about.
- Lack of love, respect, closeness and intimate relationships.
- Unwillingness to have children.
- Treason.
- When the husband turns into a gigolo.
Let's consider each option in detail when divorce is inevitable and find out the advice of a psychologist:
Domestic violence is not uncommon, has various forms of manifestation, but the result is always the same: irreparable damage is done to mental and physical health. How used to be a woman do away with it, the more likely it is to return to normal life. In addition to the woman, the child's psyche also suffers. In such a situation, there is no time to think, you need to turn on the instinct of self-preservation, take the children in an armful and save yourself.
Dependence on potent substances ultimately leads to personality degradation. And at the moment of intoxication, a person turns into an uncontrollable creature. If this is repeated regularly, there is no desire to be treated for addiction, no tears, no persuasion, nothing helps, there is only one way out - a divorce.
If your feelings have cooled so much that relations with neighbors seem much closer, think about what awaits you next. Is it worth holding on to this marriage? No. Breaking up will bring relief to both. After all, every person is worthy of happiness.
You need to understand what the husband's unwillingness to have children is connected with. After all, initially marriages are created so that a woman can fulfill her mission as a mother. If the reason for unwillingness lies in the selfishness of the spouse, you should not waste your time on him.
We are talking about the constant betrayal of her husband. If you find out about this, and your spouse has no remorse, therefore, he does not respect you, neither as a woman, nor as a mother, nor as a person. In fact, he doesn't respect himself either. Draw your own conclusion.
He can be attentive, caring, but at the same time a parasite. This can be tolerated for a while, but the cup of patience has limits, and the time will come when it will be poured out.
In case of mental deviations in health, you need to trust the doctors, and never take this burden on yourself, and even less feel guilty:
Psychologist's advice: how to decide on a divorce from your husband?
You never return to this question, your patience is over, your hopes are extinguished, but you lack the strength to bring your intention to its logical conclusion. You need to understand what kind of straw you are trying to hold on to, and what will help you decide to divorce your husband. There is a good saying: do not wash dirty linen in public. In the case of a divorce, she is just the right thing to do. There is no need to try to find out the opinion of all well-wishers. With such a question, you need to contact a specialist.
To divorce or not from her husband, the psychologist gives advice:
- repeat, like a mantra, several times a day: "I'm getting divorced!" Schedule a specific date for yourself (you can write it down in your diary);
- make a list of what has ceased to suit you in your husband, give him an ultimatum (do all this, keeping calm, without raising your voice, like an announcer on television). After that, take your word that if the spouse violates the requirements of the ultimatum two (three, etc. - decide for yourself) times, I am leaving him.
- stop serving your spouse (don't cook, don't wash, don't iron - let him do it himself).
Helps Decide Imagination Exercises:
- Imagine that you have only a few months to live. Prioritize, decide what you want to do in the remaining time, and who you want to see in your last hours.
- Imagine what will happen to you in a few years:
- if you stay with your husband;
- if you are divorced.
Sometimes such simple actions help to look at what is happening from a new angle and make the final choice.
Divorce and children: is a complete family always better?
When children grow up in a full-fledged family full of love, respect and harmony, they feel protected. Every day they see a warm relationship between their parents, and this helps them in the future to form a self-sufficient person.
What happens to a relationship when? That's right, neither love, nor respect, and about any harmony is not a question. Therefore, when a woman comes up with an excuse for herself, sacrificing herself, and does not divorce for the sake of children, then this is a monstrous mistake. How to decide to divorce your husband, if you have a child, and what advice from a psychologist will prompt you to make the right choice.
Our children copy us in everything and it is in childhood that a model of behavior is laid, which is carried over into adulthood. Do you want your child to experience in the future what you are experiencing now? The answer is obvious. So if the only reason you cling to to keep the marriage alive is because of your kids, don't do it. Get divorced. It is important for children that they have a happy mom and dad, and not that they are married.
How to explain your decision to children?
It is not worth delaying the explanation. It is better if you agree with your spouse and share your decision together. The main thing is to explain to the child that it is not his fault that you decided to leave. And you will love him as before, and, if possible, stipulate how future meetings between the father and the children will take place.
If it is not possible to agree with your husband, talk to the child yourself. Just don’t have to lie to him and make unrealizable promises.
Test: how painless for you to end a relationship?
Another one will help you understand yourself and go through the divorce procedure painlessly. Take a piece of paper, line it in four columns. Each column will start with a question that you will answer in detail below.
- What happens if you get divorced?
- What will not happen if you get divorced?
- What happens if you don't get divorced?
- What won't happen if you don't get divorced?
Answer these questions in as much detail as possible, without missing a single detail. You will understand what you can lose if you leave everything as it is. Or it will be another starting point in order to preserve the marriage.
In order not to regret the decision made to dissolve the marriage, think about whether all measures have been taken to preserve it. Here are some tips from a specialist to help you do right choice and if he is in favor of divorce, smooth over its negative consequences.
- Do not apply for divorce when the conflict escalates. Let your emotions subside. After that, consider if you can continue to live together. To get a better feel for this, go to your relatives or friends for a week, just don't let them know about your plans. After a while, being at a distance, you will be able to give yourself the answer, how you feel better, together or separately.
- Don't stay with each other out of pity.
- Do not throw the words "I am filing for divorce" in order to somehow scare your husband. Ladies often abuse it. Say these words when you have made the final decision.
- If the issue of divorce has been resolved for you, before you go to the registry office, resolve matters with the property. Try to convince your spouse to agree on sharing the jointly acquired property amicably. Do not seek to rip it off as sticky. Find an option that works for both of you.
- Try to break up in a civilized manner. Do not insult each other, it is good if you manage to maintain at least neutral relations.
- Do not instill in the child the idea that his dad is bad, all the more, do not mix in his grandmother (husband's mother). The child must remain fully confident that his parents are the best.
- After a divorce, immerse yourself in a stream of new things. Take care of your appearance. Find yourself a new hobby.
- If you worked together, it is advisable to change it.
- The less often you see each other, the easier it will be for you to rebuild yourself from the status of “divorced” to the status of “free” or “in search”.
- Do not try to find out how your ex-husband... No need
Deciding to divorce a person with whom you have lived for years is not a question of one day. Surely, during this time there was a lot of good: passion, love, joy. What went wrong, why there was a rift in your family, in most cases both spouses are to blame. Whether to try to glue the broken vase or throw the shards into the trash is up to you. The advice of a specialist will help you choose the right direction of your path, but you will have to go through it yourself.
If, after a divorce or unsuccessful relationship, fears, panic attacks, self-doubt, chronic depression begin to torment you - contact a specialist.
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It is always difficult to decide - perhaps even more difficult than deciding to marry. Until recently, we are tormented by doubts and uncertainty about the correctness of the chosen solution. How do you know if divorce is your only option? Is it legally easy? You will find answers to these and other questions in the article.
How to understand when it is time to divorce your husband: the main signs
Signs that make it clear that divorce is inevitable:
- When you return home from work or a walk, you feel frustrated. It intensifies when it is discovered that the spouse is also at home. You're better off alone, without him. It's time to decide on a divorce from your husband if you are pleased with his absence on the same territory with you, for example, when he is on a business trip, or in any other absence. The solution is obvious if you are relieved that it is not there.
- There are no common topics of conversation. This is not about the dizzy feeling that arises in lovers, when it is pleasant even to just be silent. The silence of estranged spouses is different, and you understand that. You try to hide behind household chores, surf the Net, take work at home - all this is more important than communicating with your spouse.
- It's time to decide on a divorce from your husband if you do not know what is happening in his life, and great interest to this you do not have. The spouse shared with you all the details of the work, now you know about them in passing. He doesn't start a conversation, and that's fine with you.
- Sex in your marriage is a rare guest. The first months of marriage, almost every conflict ended with a kiss and intimacy. Now such a development of events is impossible - resentment and misunderstanding are stronger than desire. Now the bed remains primarily a place to sleep. Or you started sleeping separately (in itself, this point is not terrible if there are no other "symptoms" that it is time to decide on a divorce from your husband).
- One of the parties has an affair on the side. With such a phenomenon, you must immediately decide on a divorce from your husband. Do not justify the continued existence of a marriage with children, long years of marriage, or a habitual way of life. Relationships have become artificial, fragile, humiliating. Couples who, when cheating, pull with divorce, usually inevitably break up, regretting the lost time.
- Coarseness. In case of physical violence, you need to leave immediately, without hesitation. Psychological and financial violence is also difficult to bear. Does your husband insult your external data, intellectual capabilities? It’s impossible to be happy. Financial violence can include the requirement of a detailed report if you bought bread 2 rubles more expensive than usual, and other absurd financial situations that cause you anxiety.
- No time for jokes. Even the most serious relationships will quickly get bored if they lack healthy humor. You are annoyed by your husband's jokes, he ignores yours, or you have stopped joking altogether - the marriage is in danger.
7 easy ways to decide to divorce your husband
So, what steps to take to make it easier to decide on a divorce from your husband:
- Analyze your fears - what exactly prevents you from moving to an important, but desired step. Possible fear: fear of being alone. That is, it is easier for you to feel emotional abuse, indifference, hostility, but not loneliness. It's hard for you to believe, but deciding on a divorce, you will feel better than now. Men are always drawn to women who are internally happy. Having found harmony inside, you will find a suitable life partner for yourself.
- Improving the financial component. Fearing that you will be left without a livelihood? Take care of this in advance. Take a job, if possible, or start saving money out of "family" money. You need to be confident in the future, and think about it now. After all, your husband can leave you himself, what will you do then? Find a way to support yourself financially. Browse vacancies, go through training, look for options through friends. This important question, which often stops from divorce.
- Do the Life in Five Years Psychological Exercise. An interesting practice for the imagination. Introduce yourself five years later. What will your life be like if you stay with your husband. Where will your marriage lead? Will the relationship get better or will it get worse? How old will you be? Is this how you want to spend the next five years? Think about it right now. Now imagine life in five years if you decide to divorce. How life can be, what desires you can realize. Imagine life without your current husband in detail, paints.
- Exercise "Life is short" can also help you decide on a divorce from your husband. Many are accustomed to postponing important decisions for later, living with the illusion of the eternity of life. This self-deception begins to weaken with the advent of old age. However, at this moment, many dreams have to be forgotten. Knowing exactly how long our life will last, we would live differently, to the maximum. Thinking not the first day about divorce, you take days away from your life, not knowing how much is allotted to you in general. You are deliberately hindering changes in your life by preventing something good from entering it. Think you have 6 months left to live. How would you conduct them, what desires arise first?
- Taking care of children. It is important for those whose children have not yet grown up. Among the main functions of the family is to demonstrate to the child the model of relations between a man and a woman. Seeing the basis of relationships in childhood, he gradually forms in his thoughts the image of his future family. Are you unhappy in your marriage? This cannot be hidden from the eyes of a child. The same applies to codependent relationships, quarreling families. While you are suffering, swearing, offended, the child absorbs that unworthy life that you have decided to choose.
- You can provoke your husband himself to leave you. Also, the method helps to finally be disappointed in marriage, and more easily decide to break up. Just stop satisfying his needs. Often, a marriage continues to exist only because one of the spouses satisfies needs that are significant to the other. A man rarely leaves where he feels good - stop creating important conditions for him, and, probably, he will leave. Think about what is important to him - stop satisfying a significant need. Example: A varied diet, grooming, regular sex.
- Make an informed decision. Before you leave, you have to really decide on this. Tell yourself firmly, “I'm leaving. Divorce is inevitable. It's time to leave. " A mental attitude is necessary. Think about this decision often. Look for opportunities to get a divorce, live with this thought, imagine life after a divorce.
Situations, according to the psychologist, suggesting divorce:
Love passed
Are you sure there is no more love in a relationship? Sexual relationship Do you and your husband weigh you down, but do you make declarations of love, making a great effort on yourself? In rare cases, the situation can be normalized - this requires a lot of effort on both sides. Don't want to even make an effort? The union is doomed.
Husband is alcoholic or drug addict
The prospects for marriage depend on the stage of drunkenness and, and the husband's sincere desire to deal with the problem. If everything is fine in the family, and the problems began after the onset of addiction, and at the same time the husband realizes this, give him a chance. If the situation is getting worse, and the husband ignores the problem, making life together more unbearable - decide to divorce.
Another appeared
In such cases, the husband often leaves himself. However, more often a man is satisfied with “playing on two fronts”. In this situation, he doesn't like any of the women - he likes the adrenaline rush or the benefits that these connections give him. The decision to leave is the most correct one. Perhaps, over time, your relationship will be able to resume, but fighting for a man, being married to him, is stupid and humiliating.
Parasite husband
If your husband doesn't want to work, then you have to work for two. Gradually, the situation will become more and more unbearable for you. Even if you earn enough, respect for your husband will be lost over time, whether you like it or not. Marriage in such a situation is a heavy burden.
Tyrant husband
This is an undeniable reason for divorce. A tyrant husband means only one thing - you constantly endure humiliation, moral or physical violence. Nothing justifies such a marriage. For many women, it ended tragically, although they did not count on it.
Test: is it worth divorcing your spouse
This simple test will help you determine if a divorce is worth it. Answer questions and count points.
1. Do you think your husband cares enough for you?
Yes - 0 point; No - 1 point;
2. Do you find yourself in a gloomy mood for long periods of time with your husband?
Yes - 1 point; No - 0 points;
3. Do you treat your husband's hobbies and hobbies with irritation?
Yes - 1 point, No - 0 points;
4. Do you want your husband to talk to you more, to talk about the past day?
Yes - 0 points; No - 1 point;
5. Do you think that almost all your friends and acquaintances have husbands better than yours?
Yes - 1 point; No - 0 points;
6. Do you enjoy your husband's success?
Yes - 0 point, No - 1 point;
7. Do you want to look attractive in the eyes of your husband, for example, at home?
No - 1 point; Yes - 0 points;
8. Do you think your husband's job is more important than yours?
Yes - 0 points; No - 1 point;
9. In your opinion, does your husband pay enough attention to children? If there are no children, do you think he will be a good father?
No - 1 point; Yes - 0 points;
10. Do you feel that your life with your husband is better than it was before?
Yes - 0 points; No - 1 point;
11. Do you feel daily irritation towards your husband?
Yes -1 point; No - 0 points;
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0-3 points:
Your marriage is not as problematic as you think it is. The results indicate that relationships can still be fought for. Try to think about how you can bring respect, love, and other aspects of happy unions back into marriage. Give your husband a chance.
4-7 points:
There are many problems in marriage, but if they already long time do not dare, and you do not see the possibility and desire of the husband to eliminate them, this can lead to divorce.
8-11 points:
It makes no sense for you to continue living together. You need to part ways at least for a while in order to look at marriage from a new angle. If the problems are protracted, they are unlikely to be resolved. Don't waste time, it's time to move on separately from each other.
Divorce from my husband: where to start
The first step: an internal decision, a firm willingness to part. Once you've made your decision, put your doubts aside. Tell your spouse about your intention to divorce. Drop spontaneity. Think carefully about your upcoming conversation. If you are afraid to get lost, write it down on a piece of paper and re-read it periodically. You can make an audio recording and listen. When you decide to start a conversation, tune in to a businesslike attitude. Imagine that you are about to have a conversation with a business partner.
Conversation plan:
- Introduction. Example: "Let's talk about later life."
- Descriptions of problems. State the reason that compels you to initiate a divorce.
- Bottom line. If the husband is able to solve the voiced problems, there is a chance to save the marriage. If this does not depend on him, then discuss the details of the divorce. Be clear and use strong arguments.
Remember what you want, ignore manipulation.
Legal side of the issue
Is divorce inevitable? Get ready for the fact that the procedure for divorce can be delayed. Divorce will be easy if you have a good relationship with nothing to share.
If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without someone else's help? The court must determine the order of communication with the child, the issue of alimony.
Have you come to a conclusion that is contrary to the family code? To avoid later misunderstandings, the court will fix the agreement.
Divorces are conventionally divided into groups:
- The couple has no claims for the acquired property, there are no children.
- There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
- The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.
How to explain the situation to a child
Report the divorce with the clear confidence that it is inevitable - after filing the application. Don't go into details - give as much information as is enough to understand the situation. If the child is an adult, more explanations will be required.
Kids under three years old first of all assess intonation, emotions. The semantic content is still in the background. Parents, having stabilized the internal state, explain the situation to the child. unacceptable - it will be passed on to the child.
Older children need an explanation. Children 3-6 years old often take parental separation at their own expense. Explain to the child that the relationship has changed between mom and dad - love for him is just as strong, and he did not affect the divorce, the decision was dictated by other factors.
It is important for both parents to participate in the conversation. Agree on a common position. Marriage relationship finished, but the presence of common children obliges to build the necessary foundation of mutual respect and friendship. This is important for children. Example: "Dad needs to leave, but you two will spend every weekend", "Dad will leave, but he will call every day."
Focus on information that calms the child. Explain that meetings with dad will be regular, as will phone calls, the Net. Be truthful, talk about the conditions that you are ready to fulfill.
Who should I go to for advice: friends, psychologist, mom?
It would be nice to have a sort of home expert on all issues of psychological compatibility with you, who would issue ready-made recipes and pronounce verdicts. To live with this person or not to live? Divorce or wait any longer? Endure or explode? How many of us lack such helpers!
We often turn to online forums for advice. Pouring out your soul in front of an unfamiliar audience sometimes seems to be the only way out. And yet, oddly enough, we listen only to the advice that we ourselves would like to hear. As if we were checking the fidelity of our own, long-ripened in the subconscious conclusions about the current life.
On one of the Internet forums, I found a cry for help: the husband does not hide betrayals, the woman is trying to make a decision: whether to continue to fight for the family?
Advice from the outside: listen or not?
What are the recipes for this woman offered by the Internet party?
"Get a divorce and don't think, he walks, it means that he doesn't like it and it will be even worse in the future."
“Do you need it? Well, you get divorced, prove to yourself (or to whom?) That you are tough and strong, “you don’t allow yourself to be manipulated,” and then what? "
“Now the main thing in your situation is to pull yourself together and not dwell on your experiences. Try to pay more attention to children. In my opinion, it was necessary to first start preparing "solid ground", and then file for divorce. Think about your income (at this moment, probably, you think about it least of all). "
"Life does not end with a divorce, but only begins, new meetings and new love await you."
"And if I were you, I would take a nanny for the children and walk left and right."
"Better try to live for yourself in a marriage with him, take care of yourself, what you love."
What advice would be best for this woman? I do not presume to judge. In any case, she will only use the one that will comfort her the most. It is not a fact that it will be the most successful from an objective point of view. But the responsibility for decision will not be borne by the counselor. This is the most important thing to understand for yourself.
The willingness to make a decision on your own and be responsible for it is the main way to avoid mistakes. When a person is ready to take responsibility for himself and even for his children, then any decision will be perceived by him not as a fatal mistake or the only panacea for all troubles, but simply as a continuation of life, one of its options.
A lot of our sufferings and emotional experiences stem from the desire to stop time, not to allow changes in our life. It seems to us that a habitual and stable existence is a protection from the storms of life. But storms are just another side of an ever-changing life, they just need to be accepted. And do something about it!
Sometimes it seems to me that divorce is perceived by people as the last means of correcting the situation in which they are by the will of fate. Probably, it should be so. Because this is still not an easy choice of dress, and the consequences of a “wrong” decision can be much more tragic: sometimes divorce breaks not only families, but entire destinies.
But in other way, There are no “wrong” decisions, just as there are no “right” and “wrong” marriages. Any choice leads you to a new point of being, from which you also need to do something, and even if you “do nothing” at the same time, this is also a movement. The only question is in which direction.
To understand what decision you need to make, there are two main questions to consider:
1. Why am I doing this?(what does not suit me, what is bad, what do you want to change?)
2. Why am I doing this?(what is my ultimate goal, what do I want to achieve in the end?)
Psychologists advise you to identify the true motives of your desires like this: write on a piece of paper 5 goals: why are you doing this, for what? The subconscious mind is designed in such a way that point number 4 will tell you about your true goal.
Specialist comment:
Ekaterina Gorshkova, psychologist Ekaterina Gorshkova, psychologist:
"If you are faced with the question of getting divorced or not, it is still better to seek help from a psychologist. Parents and girlfriends can only give advice from the point of view of their experience, which is not always positive.
The psychologist will help you understand yourself and your motives, give an objective picture of the situation in your family. Also, with the help of psychological techniques, he can help you build relationships, or get through a divorce easier. If you do get divorced, with the help of a psychologist, you can avoid in the new relationship the mistakes that led to the divorce.
How to make the right decision?
There is a very good technique that helps to sort out difficult and confusing situations when the heart says one thing and the mind says another. The technique is called "Cartesian Questions", here they are:
What happens if you do this?
What won't happen if you do this? This question allows you to identify "secondary benefits". It helps you understand the benefits of the current situation and your corresponding actions - the benefits that you risk losing by achieving a new result.
What won't happen if you don't? This question baffles the left hemisphere of our brain, which is responsible for logic. Trying to answer it means trying to bypass conscious thinking and get the brain to activate other neural channels, rethinking what is already known.
Asking the question in this way can help you realize values and inner forces that you have never thought about before. Therefore, try to answer this question more intuitively than logically.
What happens if you don't? This question will highlight the price that will have to be paid to continue the previous state. On the contrary, a determined desire to move forward can be exactly the urge you need to make change.
The most important thing in such a situation is to turn to yourself, to your life values. How does your relationship with your husband meet your personal needs?
Very often, when deciding on a divorce, the material question becomes the key. Many are faced with a dilemma: a comfortable life in terms of material or emotional and mental comfort?
And here two options arise - a woman either becomes independent and responsible for her life (if she depended on her husband), including financially, and prefers to build relationships on love and sincerity, since she has the necessary independence for this.
Or a woman chooses material well-being, comfort, but forces herself to adapt, endure, and also deprives herself of a huge layer of emotional life.
You have one life and you live it for yourself. Therefore, only you can choose in what situation you want to live it. "
Divorce: pros and cons
Divorce or Reconciliation When you try to answer these questions with great care, you may find that it is not necessary to resort to this radical method in order to eliminate the factors interfering with your family life and achieve your goals. Because most of the positive factors that you strive for are already present in your life, you just need to see them.
Until you start all this, you have a chance to start all over again, radically changing not the person who lives next to you, in the point of view of the existing situation. Do not deprive yourself of the chances to change your life with your existing husband! With a new one, if it suddenly appears, you will have to start all over again. And it's not a fact that the new option will be more successful.
It is no secret that there may not be a “new” one, especially if your requirements are too high - now there are 3-4 unmarried women for every free man. But if we consider that many men are burdened with bad habits, complex character and criminal inclinations, then finding the ideal will be three times more difficult. Be ready for this if you still can't stand it any longer.
Become a philosopher. Organize your expectations and your options on the shelves. And believe in yourself! Whatever it all ends up, believe in the best! Only by changing yourself into better side, you can change the situation of your life for the better.
What do you expect from a divorce?
Divorce or Reconciliation A contemplative divorce, the claim side subconsciously strives for a happy ending:
The defendant will get scared, correct his mistakes, understand something, weigh the chances and urgently begin to act as expected of him
You will get rid of the excruciatingly annoying object
Your personal life will immediately be resolved with a new happy option.
What do you get in the end?
In fact, the development of events is most often monstrously disappointing.
The defendant does not react and continues to behave in the same "ugly"
The opposing side begins to commit inappropriate actions, does not fit into the pre-planned scenario, and loneliness and the problems arising in connection with the divorce turn out to be even more annoying than the previous "troubles" (hence the thoughts: "I wish I hadn't done all this ...", "How to return that time of doubts, when I have not started anything yet ... "," if only ... ")
Personal life does not want to get settled, or it repeats according to the same, or even the worst scenario
It turns out that as a result of a divorce, a person gets something completely different from what he expected, and this circumstance plunges him into complete despair, in which he would not even admit to himself.
Perhaps, in pursuit of non-existent ideals of family happiness, which you have fished out of novels, films and your own fantasy, you have not noticed that you have a wonderful family? And the problems are not so fatal ... You just need to try again, the very last, but decisive time to resolve them peacefully.
Irina VLASENKO
Divorce is a fairly common occurrence in our society. But many people do not understand when it is time to divorce a husband or wife. Not everyone can see and recognize this situation in time, which leads to more unpleasant consequences. Each of the spouses has to solve a difficult task: to keep the relationship or get divorced. Few of the spouses manage to maintain normal relationships throughout their lives. There are couples who look at each other with love and affection even in old age.
Such couples can only be envied, because they managed to cope with the difficult task of life - to preserve the marriage. Marriage is a difficult test for both spouses. Here only mutual respect of partners can make a marriage happy. Attraction to each other quickly passes. Then something must remain. What unites spouses, apart from physical intimacy. It is intellectual and emotional closeness. All couples have different relationships.
On the life path partners experience the ups and downs of relationships. It is important to react to this correctly and draw conclusions in time. Relationships often come to an impasse, and there is only one way out of it. This is a divorce.
Women are most often the initiators of divorce; men are much less likely to take this step. In fact, it is more difficult for a man to change his lifestyle in the family and go into the unknown. Usually, male representatives go to another woman and only then declare that they want to get divorced. And the initiators of the divorce are their current partners. For some women, marriage often goes wrong. They live with their husband for a long time, experiencing suffering and not leaving him for many reasons. For the other part of the fair sex, divorce is a common thing; they easily take this step even because of the smallest disagreements. In order not to make an irreparable mistake in your life, you need to make sure that your decision is correct. How can a woman understand that she really needs to divorce her husband?
What is needed to make an informed decision about divorce
Of course, a relationship that has already been destroyed is not worth trying to maintain. But you need to define exactly in question about a simple quarrel or really about a breakdown of a relationship. If this is a spat, then it will be resolved in one of the ways. The ability of the spouses to compromise and smooth out sharp corners... If there is no relationship anymore, then there is no need to try to change something and glue it together. Often, such attempts end anyway with a rupture, they only take time and nerves. To make an informed decision about divorce, a woman must have a certain set of character traits. An important role here is played by her perception of the world around her. What happens in reality by a person should be perceived as it is.
It makes absolutely no sense to wish for something that can never happen, or does not depend specifically on a certain person... This sense of reality is inherent in children who still understand little. It seems to them that their desire alone is enough for something to come true. The child's perception of the world in an adult is called infantilism. And often in family relationships there is infantilism that harms them. Usually, some people have never managed to grow up over the years. This is due to the costs of their upbringing, perhaps they were surrounded by excessive attention and care. They idealize their marriage and think that it will never fail. When disagreements begin in the family, which are caused by a difference in characters and interests, then such a person is not able to respect the opinion of his partner and yield to him.
The woman in this case is trying to remake her husband, adjust for herself. Few people will like this situation. The relationship with her husband deteriorates even more. They can be restored at a certain stage, but when the dislike has already reached an extreme point, parting can be the best way out. It is important to understand that a person cannot be radically altered, you need to perceive him as he is. You yourself chose it.
Attempts to remake a man end up pretending to be. This further aggravates the situation. You cannot bring the relationship to extreme hostility, it can end in trouble.
Signs of Divorce Time
When two happy people get married, they don't even think they'll ever get divorced. In family life, there are periods of the so-called crisis in relationships. This happens in the third and seventh year of life. If the couple has gone through these periods, the relationship enters a stable stage and develops harmoniously, then everything is fine. If, after passing these milestones, the couple does not stop quarrels, problems and disagreements, then you should seriously think about it. This can be a signal for divorce. You can determine the time for the onset of a divorce by some of the signs described below.
- Cheating partners. The fact of betrayal on the part of one of the spouses leads to the fact that the second begins to distrust him. Mistrust greatly affects relationships and destroys harmony in the family. It is difficult for an offended spouse to forgive betrayal and forget the offense.
- The spouses live only for the sake of the children. The child must live in a complete family. And the desire not to get divorced for the sake of children is quite understandable. But would it be better for children who constantly see quarrels between their parents? Parents are busy sorting out their relationships, less attention is paid to children, this harms the development of the child.
- Living together for fear of being judged by others. The couple has long lost interest in each other in every sense. They have nothing to talk about, they have no common interests and deeds either. They do not want to get divorced because of fear public opinion and relatives.
- Problems in intimate life. There is no attraction and interest of one of the partners, or it is mutual. Often a lack of interest arises against the backdrop of cheating.
- Spouses annoy each other. It happens that some of the partner's habits begin to annoy the other. This happens every day and becomes a constant annoyance. If a woman or man cannot put up with such irritants, then this may be a hint of divorce.
- The man beats the woman. You should not endure the beatings and think that this is accidental and will not happen again. Such a man will constantly raise his hand to his wife. You need to think about divorce faster.
- The unequal contribution of the spouses to the family. Two people must have an equal contribution to the family. Responsibilities are usually segregated. It cannot be that one person does everything when the other is only resting.
What can help you get a firm grip on divorce?
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- there are almost no common topics for conversations between spouses;
- all bitterness and joys are shared with other people, and not with the other half;
- calm attitude of one of the partners to the alleged connections on the side;
- there is no longer a need to ask for help from a spouse;
- views on life on a global scale differ;
- stopped paying attention to the appearance of the spouse;
- you are embarrassed to go out with your soul mate in society;
- there are no common goals;
- different circles of communication between husband and wife;
- different views on material issues in the family;
- frequent quarrels affect children;
- thoughts of divorce are constantly taking hold of you.
Conduct this simple test for yourself, it will give you the answer whether it is time to divorce your husband or not.
Fear of divorce by women: why?
Many women live with their husbands, despite the dire circumstances. Someone resigns themselves, someone is afraid to change everything in a drastic way, the reasons are different. Women are quite patient, but they also have a moment when they do not mind giving up. But it is better not to bring it to such a boiling point. This negatively affects the emotional state of the woman. In turn, this affects health, work and, most importantly, children. It is necessary to think about what harm can be done to a small creature and leave trauma for him for life. So women are afraid of divorce. And there are reasons for this:
- all responsibility for raising children is transferred to the woman;
- unwillingness to deprive the child of a full-fledged family;
- the woman does not want condemnation from the outside;
- a woman cannot provide for herself and the child alone;
- having divorced, a woman will be homeless;
- it's scary to be alone.
The reasons are quite natural. But some women can find the strength in themselves and overcome fear, while others live with it. You cannot sacrifice yourself for the sake of dubious family happiness. Better sometimes to break everything, then find the dearest person. Often, creating a new family also brings joy to children. But this is the case when the "new dad" can accept other people's children and give himself entirely to this family. There are also frequent cases when another man who appears at the mother's place causes a storm of negative emotions. All this is so complex and individual that there is no single piece of advice. The main thing is to remember that a woman is faced with the question not only of her well-being, but also of the fate of her children.
Correct actions of a woman deciding to divorce
The moment came when the woman nevertheless decided that it was time to divorce her husband. What is the correct way to act in this situation? Care should be taken to ensure that the divorce process has the least possible impact on psychological condition children, as well as control themselves. You may find the following guidelines helpful.
- Having thought about your decision to divorce well, you need to behave calmly and with restraint. From the very beginning, you need to think about the legal side of the case, emotions should be thrown aside.
- Try not to pay attention to the unflattering reviews of relatives and friends about your husband. Despite all the trouble of the process, it is worth being cold-blooded. This will help to maintain, even for the sake of the children, normal relations with the ex-spouse after the divorce.
- You can apply for a divorce at the registry office at your place of residence.
- According to the law, a month is given for reflection after submitting an application. If there is no reconciliation, then the couple is bred. This is done without problems if there is agreement on all issues between the spouses and there are no children under 18 years of age.
- If there are children and disputes, the divorce is made in court. When there is still a division of property, a court decision is also required. In this case, the court must take into account the interests of the children and, in this case, the spouse. If an agreement on children and property is drawn up before the trial, then the trial will go much faster.
- It is important to seek the help of a qualified lawyer. These are additional costs, but in certain situations they will definitely pay off.
We hope that here you have found comprehensive information about when it is time to divorce your husband.
Attention! Due to the latest changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may become out of date! Our lawyer can advise you for free - write a question in the form below:
