Solution of marital conflicts. Family conflicts: ways to overcome. How to solve these problems

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

Any intra-family situation can theoretically become a conflict. It depends solely on the behavior of the spouses during the conflict.

When partners react sharply to any contradiction and try to prove their case, we are dealing with a conflict. However, if a difficult situation is discussed calmly and benevolently, the spouses strive for reconciliation, and not to find out who is right and who is wrong, then the severity of the conflict is significantly reduced.

The three most unfortunate tactics of behavior in family conflict:

1. The position of an outside observer.

An example of a conflict in the family: a wife discovered that her husband was completely indifferent to a broken tap. She silently waits for her husband to guess to pick up the tools! More often than not, the wait is delayed and an explosion occurs.

2. Open conflict.

Another unsuccessful way to resolve the conflict: a quarrel with reproaches, mutual claims and grievances.

3. Stubborn silence.

This method consists in mutual stubborn silence, when both parties are offended at each other, but no one goes to discuss the problem. In this case, the spouses are possessed by a feeling of self-pity, anxiety and resentment.

All of the above behaviors are not conducive to resolving relationship problems. In order for the family to become a reliable home front for the spouses, they must receive moral and psychological support from each other. For mutual trust to arise, it is important to be able to listen, understand and meet each other halfway.

Good ways to resolve a conflict:

1. Open and calm dialogue.

Spouses should strive to meet each other halfway. It is important to discuss the current problem constructively, without blame or reproach, with the search for an optimal solution for both.

2. Understanding the partner.

Spouses should avoid negative tactics, such as ignoring, self-centeredness, belittling the partner's personality, and use constructive ones: active listening to the partner, understanding what is said and not said by him. 3. Ability to change.

You need to be able to take steps towards your partner, change your position and views as the marriage makes its new demands.

4. Emphasize the importance of the spouse.

Expressing gratitude to your partner and that he is appreciated, respected and admired is one of the most effective ways to win over your spouse, be heard and achieve mutual understanding on almost any issue.

The partner's trust can be destroyed, due to the fact that his experiences are not taken seriously, are viewed as unimportant, insignificant, not worthy of attention. If the partner's experiences become the subject of ridicule and jokes.

When we feel like we are misunderstood, we feel lonely. Hands drop, and the desire to communicate and discuss something important disappears. So the spouses begin to move away from each other and cease to be one whole.

Sometimes the stories of couples who are on the verge of divorce begin with proud words - “we lived in perfect harmony for two years and never quarreled, but then, unexpectedly…”. Those who alone are tormented by doubts about the future also touch on this topic: “we have solid family conflicts perhaps the only way out is to leave. "

And there are completely radical options: as soon as a semblance of a quarrel arises, one of the couple is ready to immediately slam the door and leave. Sometimes - forever. No try conflict resolution in relationship. Because in the minds of many, quarrels are something that should not be in family life otherwise it cannot be considered either "successful" or "successful" and even "normal" cannot be considered. The popular print of molasses constantly pouring out on both sides turns out to be terribly tenacious. And alas, it is very destructive.

There is also another extreme. When people do not even ask the question "how to build a dialogue?" When they come to terms with the fact that they swear. Such couples are already tired of pretending to be a happy family, and now they, by their own choice, occupy the niche “we have everything like everyone else”. This means that quarrels become something like the weather - they spoil the mood, but they do not significantly affect anything, they do not lead anywhere and do not change anything.

So what is “normal”? - many people ask me. The truth, if it is possible at all in this case, is, as always, somewhere in the middle between the extremes. But before we analyze the typical mistakes in showdown, let's take a closer look at these extremes to find the middle.

The illusion of a conflict-free relationship comes from the illusion of being in love forever. The state of euphoria that overwhelms people in the presence of a strong sexual attraction to each other gives rise to the idea that "this should be so forever." In fact, any love has a shelf life, the reasons for this, in particular, can be read in detail in the article on the crisis of three years.

Now something else is important for us. The first signals that "eternal love" is just an illusion occur at the beginning of a relationship. But the beginnings of conflicts are usually overlooked. "Just think, a trifle, everyone has it."

An unresolved little thing tends to grow into a major problem over time. As a rule, she is noticed just when falling in love is slowing down. And standing up to his full height family conflict perceived as a tragedy. As a rule, no one is in a hurry to understand it, the emphasis shifts to something else - "how is it, are we really fighting with my loved one?"

By default, it was assumed that a loved one must necessarily understand, or better yet, approve, and in some cases even admire the desires and decisions of a partner. When this does not happen, despair takes over from inspiration. At the same time, most men and women often tend to think that their decision is reasonable and correct, but the partner's disagreement is something “wrong”.

We will talk about what approaches to resolving conflicts exist later, but something else is important here - the focus is not on determining the causes of the conflict, but on the fact that is declared abnormal (and both spouses most often agree with this). And then, as a rule, one is inferior. Suppressing their desires, and not really discussing anything.

The second one is asserted in its "correctness" and further demands even more. The first one either bends further or rises, and most often conflict resolution he is no longer interested, he is only interested in the opportunity to take revenge. After all, he has already stepped on his throat more than once, but now he has the right to respond in kind and force his partner to bend.

It is easy to guess that this position only leads to a tug-of-war and the establishment of a man and a woman as rivals, but not partners. And then there are only 2 options. The first is that people, having spent some time in the position of rivals and, in fact, enemies, after a while lose all ties with each other, get tired of fighting in their own home and disperse in the hope of finding warmth and support somewhere else. And they often repeat the same scenario anyway.

In the second variant, the first goes to the second extreme, and the prerequisites for this reversal are the remaining strong ties: children, everyday life, joint financial investments, common habits, and in some cases, such a "bridge" remains established and regular sex.

In addition to these facts, the situation is also held by various feelings, thoughts, for example, fears that "I will not cope with life alone and will not find a new partner", the principles - "Our family has never got divorced" or "I loved her / him / but, you have to be true to yourself ”, pessimistic beliefs“ it won't be better anyway, they are all the same ”. At the same time, the tug of war in such a family occurs with varying success: sometime the husband "wins", sometime - the wife.

Everyone understands that in order to maintain relative balance, you need to periodically “yield”, and everyone builds a hierarchy of values ​​within themselves - where it is absolutely impossible to give in, and where “okay, let him do it his own way, I will survive”. And they are worried. How strong wind, rain, snow and hail survive.

Not learning how to make an effort to resolving conflicts in the family, such couples repeat the plots of these quarrels over and over again, from year to year, and at the same time no one wants to delve into the partner's experiences or change their behavior. What for? After all, you can "survive", even though it is unpleasant.

In fact, it is quite possible to live to the point where the number of conflicts will decrease, and the moments of understanding and acceptance will become more and more. But for this to be aware of why conflicts arise, and to be able to resolve them constructively for both sides. And this is a whole science, which I propose to start mastering.

In this article, I would like to consider the main causes of family conflicts, different approaches to their resolution, and give practical examples on how to build a dialogue in the family.

"We quarrel over trifles"

In fact, there are no trifles. Many people often confuse the cause and the cause of the conflict.

Any "trifle" can really become a reason - he did not call from work, which is delayed, although there was no thought to lie and hide. Or she did not prepare dinner for his arrival, although she promised. He is unhappy that she “as luck would have it” put on his unloved dress for a corporate party. She is indignant that he vowed many times to fix the faucet, and did not. You can continue for a long time.

Anyone can say: “Well, nothing happened! Nobody betrayed, changed, left, framed…. " Yes, that's right. But let's look not at the reason, but at the reason.

What is behind that "trifling" call from work? Attention. Care. Importance. For her, this call is a confirmation of her importance, a confirmation that he does not give a damn about her feelings, that he knows - she will be worried. This minute of care and attention speaks of his love and that he hears it. And even if this continues to be a trifle for him, but with his call he could show that he is not indifferent to what she considers important.

The problem with "trifles" is that, firstly, the majority measures everything by themselves and completely forgets that the other person is different. It's not you. It is HE / SHE, but not you. He / she may always have different priorities, different emphasis, different needs.

Moreover, most often - in the so-called "trifles" to which the other stubbornly does not want to pay attention, because for him it is a "trifle"! But behind every little thing there is often something much more global. And not always the partner can immediately explain this.

Leading questions can help in identifying the causes of the conflict: “why is it important for you that I call? Do you have any specific fears? Why is this important to you? " Your task is to be attentive to your partner and help to realize your motives, and not push away from him, because something is not clear to you.

If you are the “offended” party, try to understand the cause of the conflict and convey it to your partner. You need to ask yourself the same questions - “What does this call mean to me? Why is this important to me? What do I want to get from my partner through this call? " The answers will be the reason.

You most likely lack attention, a sense of importance, care. Or perhaps you are or are overly anxious for your partner. And this is also worth talking about. In fact, it often happens differently:

- You didn't call me! I sat all evening waiting, nervous, where are you, your phone did not answer, you never know what could have happened?

- Why are you so alarmed? I was at work, my bosses were nearby, well, I could not answer!

- Well, you knew there would be a meeting, couldn’t you have called before?

- I didn’t think it would take so long, so I didn’t call! Can't you report back to me for every half hour?

Further, as a rule, the woman begins to prove to the man that not to call was wrong, and this is a bad act on his part. He resists those imposed on him feelings of shame and guilt(after all, he really did not plan anything bad), and begins to get angry that he is forced to make excuses. As a result, a man often goes on the offensive:

- Why are you constantly nervous! I do not Small child, stop controlling me!

- Ah, I control you ??? And you….

(options are possible: - And you are a small child, if you don’t remind you a hundred times, then ....)

However, with this formulation of the question, it is almost impossible to normally and sincerely apologize. Because no one mentally healthy person will not want to voluntarily admit that he is neither “bad” or “guilty” where he does not feel it. And this is normal - deeply, at the subconscious level, even with the strongest, we always have that part of the psyche that protects the personality from total depreciation.

Most people already feel the burden of their own imperfection, and it is in the family, from the spouse, that we all expect understanding and acceptance of us as we are, and not kicks and pokes. And this is especially important in the context of "trifles", because if you have not fully explained the true reason for your discontent, your attempts to make someone else guilty will be all the more regarded as nit-picking and inappropriate generalizations.

The question arises, how could it look like constructive dialogue... Let me give you an example with the same situation:

- I see you were late ... Did something important happen? Are you all right?

First of all, it would be nice to ask - has it really happened that something significant has happened for the spouse today? Perhaps he is in trouble at work and needs support?

And it is possible that the conversation will turn in such a way that the spouse will immediately tell about his experiences, and by itself it will become clear why he did not call, and there will be no point in being offended. But let's say nothing significant happened:

- Everything is all right, just at the end of the day the boss came and brought a new project, he said urgently. We quickly discussed it and went home.

- Let's have supper, my hands.

By this, you have already transferred the whole situation to a peaceful channel and showed attention to your spouse. This will bring positive results, believe me. But when you have already sat down to quietly supper, you can talk about your experiences. And remember - it's better to talk about the reason at once, and not about the reason.

- I will have a request for you. I understand that this hour and a half is not such a terrible delay, and I do not blame you. But, you know, your attention in this form is very important to me - could you continue to warn me that you are delayed?

Note - this is a question. Request. Not an accusation or an attempt to force. Not presenting wrong or guilty. And it is quite possible to hear in response:

- Sorry, I didn't think that everything would drag on for so long, I will try to continue to think about it in advance.

If you have accumulated something for a long time, try to express in detail what led to such quarrels before, but in the same calm manner:

“You know, maybe I’m not getting enough attention lately. And I start to get nervous literally because of any violation of the usual order. I would feel calmer if you called more often, sometimes texted, and I would like us to spend more time together.

And then the conversation can relate to any reasons on which the conflict was actually based - lack of attention, affection, lack of enough time spent together, feeling unnecessary to your husband and revealing to him the reasons why you feel this way. But all in the same manner - in the form of a story about experiences and in the form of putting forward some proposals.

If you need to vent your emotions, you can learn to do it in a safe manner while no one is around. Or, if you really feel the need to talk emotionally, then no one forbids, but you can even cry when talking about your experiences. Emotions are still not a reason to impose on a partner feelings of shame and guilt.

Think about why you have been talking in the form of accusations so far? Why would you need to prove to your partner that he is “bad”? What benefits will this bring to you personally? Your own "rightness" and "goodness"? However, the formation of self-doubt occurs in childhood, and it is unlikely that your partner had anything to do with it.

Perhaps you should first deal with your self-esteem and guilt before blaming your partner? And even more so, if you yourself need constant reinforcement of your "goodness" - do you really think that your partner does not need the same?

"I hate asking!"

And, actually, why? I often hear at consultations such a position: "because it is humiliating." And when I ask: "How then is it not humiliating?" Well wow request! It turns out that most people want to get telepaths as husbands / wives?

In fact, understanding "at a glance" is possible only in two cases, the first - final - when this very "understanding" is a consequence of the fact that both are seized by hormonal euphoria, and therefore want the same thing.

If to coarse it - then as quickly as possible to be in bed and stay there as long as possible with all the ensuing caresses, delights, and a feeling of complete unity

A particular consequence of this is the illusion of the feeling that "we want the same thing in everything." In fact, at the moment of acute love, people want one thing - to linger as long as possible at this point of ultimate ecstasy. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal start for a relationship in a number of cases.

The moment of falling in love implies an acute enjoyment of resemblance, and it is this state that pushes the majority towards creating families, having children, because a stable confidence arises - "we are made for each other."

But there is one catch - the feeling of total similarity and understanding "in everything" ends. And then you have to deal with the differences. But few are ready for their appearance, and in particular, few are ready to leave the illusion of "telepathy".

The second case of understanding "at a glance" is possible only after many years of living together, and this understanding must be learned. Once you are reading this material, you are ready to learn. And for this it is necessary to realize the importance of the request.

In fact, we begin to really get to know the chosen one during this period - when passion passes and questions of life arrangement arise. How to distribute finances, how to conduct everyday life, who and what should do around the house, when to plan children, where to go on vacation and how to spend a general weekend. Before that, these questions were not raised - who would plan household chores and calculate the salaries of both lovers in moments of ecstasy?

But when the passion goes away, the time comes to address these issues. The ardor is no longer the same, there are many reasonable arguments in my head. Everyone has their own.

And if it is important for you that your wife must bake pies every weekend, you do not have to think that she will guess it herself. Perhaps she spoiled you with pastries a couple of times during the period of acute love. So what? It was just two days of inspiration. But now some part of your life is turning into a routine (and this is not a dirty word, it means that there is a repetition of some actions, they are brought to automatism, because you do not plan to change all this in the near future).

Baking pies once or twice is a pleasant feat. Baking them every weekend is already a routine. To which you need to get used to and realize that it is important for the husband, that this is what is imprinted in him as a manifestation of his wife's love. And how can she realize this if her husband does not deign to say so?

When I ask men why they didn’t ask, I often come across generalizations: “Well, everyone knows that the way to a man's heart is…. And then I always praised her cooking! Didn't she understand that it was important to me? "

No, alas. Because everything was important - and lace underwear, and a new movie downloaded especially for joint viewing, and the music that she sent him by mail, and that tie that she gave on February 23rd, and pies, and a new towel in his favorite color. …. How to distinguish what was “nice but not necessary” and what was “important-important”? After all, taking with you absolutely everything from the arsenal of falling in love will not work.

You have to work, raise children, build a house, solve other everyday issues - you won't be able to hang in the clouds all your life. It makes sense for both man and woman to build a system of priorities for themselves and their partner - what exactly needs to be taken with them, and what can be postponed for now. If you didn’t give the woman any guidelines, don’t be surprised that instead of cakes, she will fall for lace lingerie and movies.

By asking, you fix your own priorities in the consciousness of your half. Their own "importance". In a sense, this can even be considered not a request, but an emphasis on attention. Moreover, it should be emphasized more than once or twice.

One of you, for example, was not accustomed in his parental family to the fact that if someone comes home, you have to go out and meet the person at the door. If during the period of your love your half jumped out at the first turn of the key in the lock, then after two or three years you can no longer wait. And not because they “stopped loving you”, but because this extreme tension of emotions characteristic of the period of falling in love has gone.

And your partner needs a calmer form of existence in which he plunges into his old behavioral patterns and habits that have been ingrained in him for years. And what has been consolidated for so long needs the same gradual change.

In this change, systematic partner requests play an essential role. If you calmly inform from time to time that it is important for you to be met at the door, sooner or later a new habit will form, already for your own family. But it will be formed only if you convey the information calmly, and it is especially important to reward for success.

To say once again that you are pleased to see your wife meeting you in the hallway. And not to swear at the fact that this time she did not leave the room. Both are well remembered - and complaints with grievances, and praise. And it will depend on you what your spouse will remember and what conclusions will be drawn from this.

There is one more thing - mainly about men. I often find that men are less grasping hints than women. More precisely, they may understand, but they rarely trust such a subtle understanding. And, to be sure, they are waiting for a specific request. And she does not enter, because the lady often expects that her subtle hint will be understood. And a man often expects what he will be told specifically.

This is how a famous figure arises: he believes that she herself does not know what she wants, and she believes that he is an insensitive blockhead who does not care about her subtle experiences. In such cases, I propose to solve one question for myself, as from a well-known anecdote.

The lady called a taxi. Stands in the indicated place, a car drives up. The lady approaches the taxi driver:

- Are you a taxi?

- Yes, you ordered, right? - the driver asks.

- I. Why is your car not yellow? And "taxi" is somehow illegible? And where are the checkers?

To which the taxi driver replies:

- Madam, so you checkers or go?

What is more important to you - to get what you want? Or so that he learns to understand hints, and at the same moment and at a glance? I think, nevertheless, get what you want. And after all, more often than not it comes not about a one-time promotion. And about what goes on from day to day. "It is important for me that you give me flowers at least once a month." Or "I want you to hug me as often as possible." "I will be pleased if you open the car door for me." And a lot more - from pleasant little things to big things.

And you may have to repeat more than once so that he remembers: if you are in a bad mood, flowers / dinner at a restaurant / trip to nature / small gift / help with everyday life / watching a movie together / spontaneous sex / continue yourself.

I was often told, “Well, what kind of spontaneous sex on request can be? And how can the flowers that I asked for please? " If, in principle, you are pleased with sex with your husband and the flowers chosen by him, then the process will lose only part of the charm. And then at first. On the other hand, if your husband sees several times that “it works”, then he will not have to guess, he will know and feel your shades of mood. For one reason:

if you regularly give him feedback, in what states and what you need, then over time he will do without reminders. After all, he has already built a causal relationship inside himself. And then you can enjoy for many decades the offers of what is important to you at this very moment. Because your husband already knows you well.

“No, let her…. No, let him! "

Suppose you had a fight that was not constructive at all. When a conflict arose, they shouted, they even broke a plate. They called and blamed each other. Well, it happens that no one is immune from this. What's next? Further, somehow it is necessary to get out of the conflict and start a normal life.

Very often, each of the partners is waiting for the first step from the other. And this is dictated by this: "if he is the first to make peace, it means that he admitted his guilt." The second thinks in the same way, and since everyone considers himself to be right, no one is in a hurry to take the first step.

And since no one wants to be considered guilty, and in admitting this, the conflict is simply hushed up, "goes down on the brakes." Everyone who has experience in relationships, and especially living together, knows how to do this.

There was a question with money / a neighbor called about a general repair / it is necessary to decide what we will have dinner / the child asks something from both / continue on your own. As a rule, this is a household pretext. On the basis of which you can start communicating again, as if taking the conflict out of the brackets. Nobody admitted they were wrong, nobody took the first step. And everything seemed to be forgotten.

But no. The tension in the relationship somehow remained. And you need to take a long, slow look at your partner in order to understand whether he is still angry or not. And adjust your behavior depending on this.

In addition to various fantasies about the partner's thoughts, which may not correspond to reality at all (and we will talk about this later separately), there is another significant "but" in this position. The problem has not been resolved. So this family conflict can be repeated more than once or twice.

There is one more "but" - this is the "confession of guilt." After all, guilt as such does not exist. There are just 2 positions, 2 sets of reasons why each of the partners had such an opinion or acted in some way. But there is no “generally accepted normal” strategy for family behavior.

During consultations, I always say one phrase that seems to me essential in the matter solving family conflicts: “There are no norms of family life. You can do whatever you want, within the framework of the Criminal Code - this is the only place that everyone has in common. Otherwise, there is no unequivocal correctness, no norms and rules that are the same for everyone. Relationship is only a matter of your agreement with your partner. "

Therefore, it makes no sense to speak to him in the language "every normal person knows that ..." First, this is a direct insult. After all, if it turns out that your partner does not know or adheres to a different point of view, it turns out that you declare him abnormal. And here it is hardly possible constructive dialogue.

Secondly, two people create a relationship. And even if there was a certain “list of defaults” that would be applicable to all families, then it would have to be announced even before marriage, if only in order to check the parameters. And then you never know someone has a failure in the system?

But after all, everyone goes into a relationship with their own "defaults", which sometimes differ significantly from those of a partner. All these "silences" are not born at all from the fact that there are any norms common to all in the family. And from the fact that the parental family instilled in each of the partners their own norms. And each, to the best of his ability, supplemented this with his observations and conclusions.

But to discuss all this, entering into a serious relationship, no one bothered. Indeed, at the stage of falling in love, it seemed that the defaults were the same. Although only the attraction was the same, which gave the illusion of a complete similarity of beliefs.

If the norms were really general, then they would be equally diligently laid in the heads of both partners by the same parents.

However, we are constantly confronted with sometimes diametrically opposed beliefs. And this means that each of the partners brings out very different experiences from their childhood and adolescence. Which, depending also on the personality of a person, is also interpreted in different ways.

Now think - where is the sought-after "absolute rightness"? Even if the partner deliberately hurt you, this can only mean that manipulations and educational games were adopted in his family, which were aimed at constantly provoking a person feelings of shame and guilt and your partner suffered from this in the first place. And then he learned to bite in the same way, and now he successfully broadcasts this model of behavior to your family.

However, manipulation is a common thing in many families, and it is easy to assume that not only your partner, but you yourself are good at tricks. Otherwise, it is unlikely that you would wait for the first step from your partner, it would be more important for you conflict resolution, and not "so that he would suffer harder."

There is only one way to cope with this - someone has to start revealing the cards. Who is not important. Who is the first to think about constructive dialogue in relationship. Who is on this moment will be more prepared psychologically. Who will be more enlightened.

And this does not mean that someone is "better." This means that someone is ready to take the first step and tell that a relationship built on guilt, manipulation, intimidation and educational games does not suit him. And in order to convey this adequately, you need to invite your partner to the conversation.

In one film, I caught a glimpse of such an episode. The couple talked about their relationship. “Every time, if we quarrel, no matter how much it was, no matter how offended one of us was, we always gathered in the living room after 3 hours and sat down at the negotiating table.”

Make such a rule. Let this be your place and your hours - an hour, two or a day later, wherever you want. It is important that both of you get used to going there, no matter how bad the fight is, and talking about what happened. No charges. Without trying to assert themselves at the expense of a partner. You're starting your own family, aren't you on the battlefield?

There are no right and wrong, and in any, even the most painful situation, never forget to ask about your partner's feelings and try to understand them. After all, he did something for a reason, even if formally he was the instigator of the quarrel.

And when you understand its reasons, you can safely convey yours. Not forgetting what the through line is talking about in this article: the most The best way make your feelings clear to your partner - talk about them. Don't blame the other. Talk about yourself, your feelings. Not about "how bad he is." The difference in perception is huge.

In psychology, there is even a name for these strategies: "I-approach" and "you-approach." As you might have guessed, the first is sharing your feelings and the freedom for your partner to draw conclusions. "It hurts me when I don't hear from you during the day." And "you don't give a damn about my feelings, you won't get a call or a text message in a day!"

In the first, there is only a temporary combination - "when". And this allows the partner to draw his own conclusions. In the second - a directive indication of "wrong" and negative assessment... And this always makes you either make excuses (and feel guilty, and then begin to quietly hate your partner for this), or go on the offensive (and defense by offensive rarely implies warm feelings).

"I think he thinks, I think he thinks ...."

Real contact without illusions and lies is possible only between real and openly expressed feelings of partners as they are now. It is impossible to contact with assumptions created in your own head. That is, it is possible, but it will be contact with oneself, not with a partner.

I always invite people to present a picture like this (and sometimes even draw it):

Already from what is drawn, you can see that in addition to the two real participants in the contact, virtual (that is, not really existing) participants also wedge in there. Let's take a quick look at them:

Self image

Everyone has it. Of course, we cannot do without an image of ourselves as a whole, without knowledge of our real abilities and talents, character traits and capabilities, peculiarities of perception and external data. We form some kind of idea about all this. But how close it is to reality - it already depends on the person. As practice shows, it is more often far than close.

The construction of psychological defenses by modifying the image of oneself is not the topic of this material. For a start, it is enough for now just to think about the fact that your idea of ​​yourself can only partially correspond to reality. And to be born more from the desired than from the real.

This embellishment of reality often follows from a basic underestimation of oneself, and therefore performs a compensatory function. Underestimation of ourselves, in turn, comes from the assessments of parents and the limitations that most of us absorb in childhood. Moreover, there are practically no unambiguous images.

For example, one child was taught throughout his childhood that being a child is being a "unfinished" person, irresponsible and not knowing life, and therefore not taken seriously. Being an adult, therefore, was good and honorable.

As a result, a person will feel fear all his life in a semi-conscious form, "what if I am still not old enough?" And to build such an image of yourself - an adult and responsible. And if such a person is told (without meaning anything bad) "you are like a child!" - then this person will be offended. Meanwhile, in the head of the interlocutor, this "like a child" had a completely approving and positive connotation.

And vice versa, if the child was not taught that being a child is bad, then even if the phrase “you are like a child” is told to him with a clearly negative connotation, meaning “irresponsible,” he simply will not notice it. And he will not be offended. Because in the circle of his personal meanings "child" and "irresponsible" are not connected in any way.

If at showdown you rely too much on the image of yourself - this is exactly what prevents you from hearing your partner.

Let's say he says something that directly indicates your lack of responsibility towards your partner. If you perceive the situation "in its pure form" - it will mean that here and now, on this particular day, you behaved without thinking about your partner.

This happens. This does not characterize you as an irresponsible person in principle. It only says that you forgot something or did not foresee. And this may have offended your half, as you were told. And this can be resolved and clarified now, after listening to the person, realizing what did not suit him, realizing that he was really unpleasant, and drawing conclusions.

But more often it is completely different. Sometimes, regardless of how the discontent was presented, you may see it as an attempt on the bright image of a responsible and adult person. And then write wasted. This dispute has no constructive resolution, because no one was going to tell you that you are "in principle irresponsible."

It is you who make such demands on yourself - to comply with your own demand for total responsibility in everything and always.

Perhaps, if you constantly see an unfair accusation in your partner's remarks, it is worth, first of all, to think about what requirements you are making of yourself?

Perhaps in your couple, only you yourself are so fixated on your perfection, but your partner calmly admits that you may have flaws. Think about it: are you sorting out a relationship with a partner or with yourself?

Partner image

Everyone has it too. Of course, we feel something for a partner for a reason - also because we saw in him something important for ourselves. And this has both pros and cons. Of course, it's great when something about your partner delights you. But it is impossible to measure everything else in a person by only one criterion: "how he / she treats me."

Not all actions of a partner are dictated exclusively by his attitude towards you. Some of them are simply his actions, habits, needs, etc., which have nothing to do with you. And if a person has connected life with you, this does not mean at all that now everything and always he will do in the light of your relationship.

Yes, of course, solving global and major issues alone, while being married, is somehow really not about marriage. But interpreting every act of a partner in the light of the relationship is also not always productive for a marriage.

For example, your partner spends a lot of time in sports. At the time of falling in love, the pace of work on oneself in the physical plane could be reduced. But as soon as your relationship became stable, the intensity of passions decreased, your partner again returns to himself, his priorities.

And he can correct them as much as he wants, including on the basis of the fact that he has a couple. The question is what you want to see. Selfish? A narcissist? Or someone who takes care of himself and takes care of his health, including for the sake of your family?

Or perhaps it’s outside the family altogether. It's just part of your partner, part and parcel. You can only agree with her, accept the other as he is, and was before you, but you should not try to destroy in him what you do not fully understand. And not always this should be interpreted solely in the spirit of "if you do something for yourself, then you are taking this time from me and from us."

Or another vivid example of how the image is created "in the course of action." Suppose that your husband has become late at work. And for various reasons (maybe your fears, maybe moments from his past life, about which you know, maybe, by the recent example of a friend), you start thinking something like "what if he has a mistress there?"

This thought alone is enough to make reality seem to rush to you to prove that you are right. Although, of course, the matter will not be in reality, but in the fact that the majority are inclined to interpret everything that happens within the framework of their own ideas.

And here is the image of your partner - "the one who can go on a spree at work." At the same time, the reality may not coincide at all with your expectations. But if you start communicating with your partner from this position, implying that everything is exactly as you think - there is a risk of global misunderstanding. Because, under various pretexts, you begin to demand that you come home from work at the "due" time, and your husband may be genuinely bewildered about your attempts to limit him - after all, he is trying, for example, to earn more money just for you, for the family. But, forgetting to ask him about what really is behind his late arrivals, you begin to communicate with him as if he had already committed at least a couple of deadly sins.

So who do you communicate with in reality - with your fantasies and fears, or with reality? Who happens to showdown- with a partner or the reality that you created in your head? And who is responsible for this?

Self-image through the eyes of another

Of course, it's important to know what your partner thinks and feels about you. But there is one way to do this - ask. And believe. And for this it is worth recalling once again what we have already said: the partner is different. And if you start looking for explanations for his actions before him, then most likely you will communicate with yourself, and not with your partner, because his causes and consequences are most likely very different from yours, and therefore could not occur to you.

Here's an example. Women often complain about men watching porn. Why does this come to mind more often in men - you can read in the article "Men on Porn Sites"... Another thing is important - first, a woman in upset feelings lets a man understand that this is bad, and then demands to explain why he needs it.

But what person would want to explain if they have already been told "how disgusting it is"? And even more so if the woman herself invented such an image of herself in which she “is no longer attractive to her husband”, has already managed to be offended by this, and now requires an explanation?

In such a formulation of the question, there is a hidden demand "prove to me that I am still attractive to you." But in most cases, it is in itself! And it is difficult for a person to prove what he himself did not doubt.

If you really want to find out why, you should start with this question. And not with conjectures that "if he does it, then he does not need me." At least this way you still have a chance to find out how everything is in reality, and not to receive a portion of "sedative pills" in the key "yes, I do not know why and why, but I will no longer."

Deadlock conflicts

There are a number of situations in which everything is not limited to speculation, inability to hear the interlocutor and competently convey their feelings. It so happens that the partner is heard, his feelings are conveyed correctly, and the situation is not resolved.

Let me give you an example. Let's say a woman grew up in a neat family, and she herself got used to perfect cleanliness in the house. She is even ready to maintain order herself, if she is not disturbed. But often a man has a lower bar in relation to order, and he is not at all embarrassed by scattered socks or shirts lying just like that on the sofa.

There are no right and wrong here, just as there is no norm. However, what if the requirements for the situation are different, and it is impossible to reduce everything to one "standard"?

The way to resolve conflicts of this kind can be presented as purely mathematical. Suppose the wife's requirements for order on some hypothetical scale are +30. And the husband's - +10. There is a banal arithmetic mean +20. This will be the step to which both will take two equal steps - she is a little down, and he is a little up.

Most are offended: well, how is it, my demand for order is more “ideal”, more “correct”, why should I omit? The answer is simple - the same reason why it should rise. If partners do not take a common step towards each other, then one will feel depressed.

It is clear that the step itself will not be just quantitative - one shirt can be left, and the other must be removed. Rather, according to a system of priorities. Let the one with higher order requirements try to choose a couple of the most painless things. Which you can survive without much damage to yourself - and here let go of your requirements a little.

But what annoys and annoys the most is in this place and ask your husband to take a step forward. As a result, the requirement for a greater order will be much more specific than “it is worth cleaning up after yourself more often,” for example, “please, be sure to put the dishes in the sink and fill them with water. I can wash myself, but when the food is stuck to the plate, it is more difficult to wash it at times. "

Perhaps, over time, your husband will also be imbued with your love of order. But only if you go in small steps, and not unload the entire list of wishes on your partner. After all, the feasible seems simple, but the ideal picture may seem overwhelming and generally discourage the partner from doing something in this direction.

The same question often arises with sex. At a certain stage, it may become clear that one needs more and more often, while the other, on the contrary, needs to decrease.

Very often this situation concerns couples of the same age, when both are already over 30 - a man's sexuality decreases, and a woman's sexuality increases significantly for some time. And here the same arithmetic helps: if three times a week is enough for your wife, and one for you, then two is your arithmetic mean. From which time you can take the initiative yourself, and the second time just follow the lead of your wife.

Many say that “I don’t want to step over myself if I don’t want to”. However, observing couples with similar family conflicts(and especially those for whom everything else is relatively well-adjusted), I have come to the conclusion more than once: a man with average health and without pronounced sexological problems loses rather a psychological interest in sex in its former quantity, rather than the very opportunity to engage in it.

What this is connected with is a topic for a separate article, but in this case something else is important: even where, it would seem, everything should be spontaneous and reciprocal, sometimes you have to internally tune in to your partner, give in.

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All families where happiness reigns are similar, but each family has its own adversity - this idea was once formulated by Leo Tolstoy, and even in his years it was not news. And over time, the situation does not change - conflicts, quarrels, scandals, "debriefing" happen in almost every family. And these conflict situations are almost always followed by grief, depression, depression, new nervous breakdowns ...

It seems that the reason is different in each case and that it is impossible to understand these reasons. But is it really so? Maybe, if the positive aspects are similar, then you can find something in common in negative manifestations? But it is known that if you know the real background of troubles of any scale, then you can find a way to resist these troubles.

Family conflicts

When they talk about conflicts in the family, it seems that the misunderstanding between parents and children, quarrels between husband and wife, fights between schoolchildren, resentment of old people against younger generations are completely different from each other. In addition, external circumstances can be very different, ranging from the place of residence, living conditions and material well-being and ending with the educational level and individual characteristics of the character of each person.

However, in any case, we are talking about relations between people, and here it should be understood that honesty, nobility, disinterestedness, desire and willingness to help do not depend on wealth, or on the place of residence, and on age or on the availability of a diploma, too.

It turns out that people are actually driven by some other reasons and that the stumbling block is not a broken cup, not a small salary, and not old boots. But what actually causes screams, tears, abuse, hysterics, threats, and sometimes fights?

Attention! Psychologists believe that negative emotions and feelings that have accumulated over time or have arisen spontaneously are grounds for conflict.

For many, it may come as a complete surprise that almost always any misunderstanding and any conflict can be resolved in a completely peaceful way, without offensive words and loud sobs. The main thing that is needed for this is to understand the psychological background of what is happening, and really want not to conflict.

Scientists-psychologists argue that people, regardless of age, quarrel only when they do not know how to get out of the current situation without raising the tone, or when they need a conflict situation for some reason. What for? For example, to manipulate another person.

And one more important circumstance can be highlighted: if a conflict arises, then each participant in this unattractive situation blames the other, but few begin to understand themselves. But often it is the internal contradictions of a person that form the basis of his relations with others, including the basis of quarrels. And now let's take into account that absolutely everyone has internal contradictions ...

The 3 Most Important Causes of Family Conflict

Any conflict has a reason. But you should not confuse a reason with a pretext, because anything, any little thing, can serve as a reason for a conflict, but there are few real reasons. The main causes of conflicts in the family can be grouped into three groups.

1. At first, people often want to get some kind of information. But before you fight for this information, you should think carefully about whether they are really needed.
2. Secondly, conflicts are often aimed at changing something, especially when it comes to changing behavior.
3. Thirdly, often a conflict is needed in order to determine the main one, the leader, the owner of the house. That is, it is the conflict in this case that should demonstrate who is stronger.

Attention! In the vast majority of cases (exceptions are very rare), the conflict will not give the desired result.

Striving for power

The first reason for conflicts in the family can be considered the desire for power and, as a result, the desire for maximum control over everything. It should be noted that the striving for power is quite an instinctive striving, since in nature in any flock, the strongest commands, and unconditionally.

It is known that a person is largely governed by instincts and that many human actions can be explained by instinctive behavior. The desire to gain power and the right to dispose of, at least in their small home flock, is the background of many family conflicts. Dispose of all family members - and their age does not matter at all.

It is characteristic for a person to strive for power, even if it be even the smallest power over the weaker (over children or over aged parents). Of course, civilization has smoothed out this instinct a little, but it has not gone anywhere and cannot go away.

What to do? Just think, and think very well. If the relationship in his family is dear to a person, he will not create an atmosphere of fear around him, because fear kills all other feelings. Relationships can only be built on mutual understanding, respect, sympathy and love - and none of these feelings have anything to do with fear.

After all, millions of years of development of Homo sapiens should have taught us how to cope with instincts and control our behavior. The leader of the pack? It is perfectly! But is it the leader who decides all the questions in your pack? Maybe it's time to share power, that is, the right to decide?

Guilt

Another reason for conflict is guilt. It would seem that this is completely unrealistic: what kind of conflict can there be with a person who pleads guilty. But to blame for what?

Can a person be guilty always and in everything? And what if someone constantly agrees to take the blame for absolutely everything, even for the fall of the Tunguska meteorite, which fell on the taiga in 1908? This, you know, sooner or later starts to annoy ...

Of course, anyone can make a mistake and anyone should be able to answer for their mistakes, but the constant feeling of guilt for absolutely everything that happens will not lead to anything good. As a result, a whipping boy may well be formed. But this upsets people, people do not understand this, and some are happy to break off on such "eternally unfortunate" bad mood, irritation, accumulated negative.

What to do in this case? First, never take the position of a victim, never blame yourself for everything that happens. Blame - answer. But only for what is to blame in this case. Secondly, to cultivate self-esteem in your children.

A sense of revenge

Sometimes a conflict arises due to the fact that someone wants to satisfy their feelings of revenge, because of the desire to take revenge for something, punish, put in place. But this will not lead to anything good, but will only become the basis for new grievances and for new misunderstandings.

The saddest thing is that revenge entails a desire to take revenge in return - and it becomes very difficult to break this vicious circle. If we are talking about a large family, then more and more people are gradually being drawn into this conflict, and everyone is already taking revenge on everyone, sometimes even forgetting what caused the conflict and the reason for revenge.

The most offensive thing is that a person who understands that his actions are caused precisely by the desire to take revenge will never be completely satisfied and will not feel the triumph of justice. Often in families, not only spouses take revenge on each other, but also children to parents, and parents to children. Worst of all, in such families, growing children develop an incorrect stereotype of behavior, which they will transfer to their own family.

What to do? Probably the best thing to do in these situations is to learn to forgive. Because if this does not happen, then the family is doomed and will certainly collapse. If the family is dear and means a lot - forgive the offense, if it is impossible to forgive, then it is better to leave, because the path of revenge is not only very difficult, but also very dangerous.

Sense of justice

Unfortunately, the cause of conflicts in the family is often a sense of justice, or rather, what people take for this feeling. Unfortunately, grievances and quarrels on this basis are completely unfounded.

Is it fair that Masha has a bigger apple? Is it fair that I have to do the cleaning myself? Is it fair that I should make money summer rest? To any of these questions, as to many others, you can give quite reasonable and motivated answers, and most importantly, it turns out that it is true exactly as a particular person thinks, because everyone has their own point of view, and it seems that it is correct.

What should I do? The family should not be lazy to discuss everything and not spare time for this. We must try to leave no room in the family for conjectures and assumptions: "Probably, Masha was given the biggest apple, because she is loved more." It is better to immediately explain that Masha is already thirteen years old, and Olya is only three, so Olya will not be able to eat a whole apple. Olya is smaller - and the apple is smaller. Isn't that fair? "

Desire to win

One of the reasons for conflicts in the family is competition for any reason and the desire to be sure to be the winner. Moreover, the desire at all costs to prove their case often has very negative consequences. Strictly speaking, this is one of the forms of striving for leadership.

However, it is often overlooked that leadership implies not only the right to make decisions, but also the obligation to take responsibility, that is, the obligation to be responsible for decision and for the results of its implementation. Unfortunately, as far as responsibility is concerned, it often attracts the least of all, and the main thing becomes simply to win in any dispute and in any situation.

Of course, if the desire to win is supported by both skill and perseverance, and the ability to be responsible for the result of your decision, then this may be not bad, but if there is nothing behind the desire to compete, then the results may turn out to be sad, because a conflict is quite possible. ...

What to do in this case? In order not to provoke conflicts, insisting on the correctness of your opinion, and still win, it is necessary not only to insist, but also to motivate your proposal or decision, it is necessary to explain why this decision is correct and why you should act this way.

Feeling angry

Family conflict can be triggered by anger or feelings of bitterness. Moreover, these feelings, like any other negative emotions, devastate a person, take away energy, and create an atmosphere of oppression.

As a rule, anger provokes either active or passive aggression, that is, an angry person either tries to provoke a conflict (scandal, hysteria, or even a fight), or tries with all his might not to take part in the conflict and avoid it (he is silent, closes in his room , leaves home).

However, in any of these cases, the conflict is not resolved, anger and bitterness build up, and tension increases. Neither scandal, nor shouting, nor any accusations, as a rule, reach the goal, but misunderstanding continues to grow, driving the conflict situation deep into the depths.

What should I do? Such a conflict situation can be resolved only through conversation. Unfortunately, this method of conflict resolution is not very popular, although it is the most effective one. If people living in the same family want to continue living together, they should listen to each other and try to find an opportunity to resolve the current conflict situation, which is provoked by anger.

Narcissism and egocentrism

It is quite understandable that the desire and desire of one person to put himself in the center of the universe can cause irritation and indignation of other family members, provoking conflict situations.

Of course, you can start with the fact that the parents who raised such a child are to blame for everything, but no amount of accusations will help in this case. However, it is often people who prioritize only their own interests that become the cause of both misunderstandings and serious conflicts.

What to do? If a person knows that he is prone to narcissism and narcissism, then he should strive to control himself. The environment of such a person should help him realize the incorrectness and irrationality of his actions.

True, in this case, the egocentric is in the center of everyone's attention, which he is seeking. It is very likely that in this case the help of a psychotherapist will be needed.

Desire to blame

Very often, the reason for conflicts in the family is the desire to find someone to blame for all the troubles and not take responsibility for themselves. In any case, it turns out to justify oneself, because someone did something wrong, at the wrong time, said the wrong thing. However, in most cases, if you closely consider all the circumstances of the fact that gave rise to the charges, you will find that both parties are to blame.

How to get out of the situation? To get out of such a situation, one must remember that almost always there is no one guilty person. And it is quite possible that by accusing someone else, a person is trying to absolve himself of responsibility for what happened or his part of the blame. But another option is also possible, when a person completely takes all the blame. But this also does not happen.

Apparently, in order to avoid conflicts in this case, one should simply analyze the situation well and draw appropriate conclusions. It is very important to understand that no scandal and no accusations will change the situation, and in order to avoid such overlaps and failures in the future, it is necessary to analyze the real reasons for the previous failure.

"Scapegoat"

Sometimes the reason for conflicts in the family is the presence of a "scapegoat" who is always to blame for everything. Of course, on the one hand, it is very convenient to blame all the troubles and troubles on someone alone, on the other hand, this person forms discontent, which can splash out at any moment.

Such splashing out of emotions can sometimes become similar to the uprising of slaves in ancient Rome and even lead to the destruction of the family. On the other hand, there are people who prefer to constantly feel like a victim and convince others of this: it is easier to manipulate their surroundings this way.

How to deal with this? It is very important that the family never has a "whipping boy" on whom they simply drive away anger, nor a "scapegoat" who is very easy to make guilty of all the troubles.

Talking to each other, helping, listening, treating each other with respect - and then the horned artiodactyls will only appear in the zoo.

Feelings of pride and shame

Oddly enough, feelings of shame and pride can be the cause of conflicts in the family. Did you do something wrong and feel ashamed of it?

Therefore, in order not to listen to unnecessary reproaches and unpleasant reminders, a person begins to fence himself off with a wall of silence or, conversely, to attack in order to prevent possible attacks on himself. Positive, by and large, feelings become the basis on which the conflict is built.

Or a feeling of superiority over the interlocutor because of the firm belief in their righteousness - the overwhelming majority of people want to be accepted as correct, even if someone has to give up their own opinion. And no one wants to give in ... The conflict is in full swing.

What to do? If we are talking about wounded pride or a feeling of shame, especially false, it is very important not to leave a person alone with his thoughts, but to talk to him, then the possibility of conflicts decreases significantly.

Defense of truth and righteousness

Oddly enough, but the cause of conflicts in the family is often the desire to defend the correct position, truth, rightness. Unfortunately, this is completely unpromising, because people look at every situation from different points of view, having different life experiences and different goals.

The same glass can be half full or half empty - as you look at it. But sometimes, defending the truth, people can reach not only scandals, but also divorce. Moreover, it is often this truth - is it necessary to have potatoes in a hodgepodge ... However, the desire to prove one's case is much stronger than common sense.

How to proceed? You should never argue and fight for the truth if the interlocutor is extremely agitated, because this will most likely end in a quarrel. It would not hurt to remember that any medal has two sides and that you can look at it from all sides. In a word, you have to hear, you have to listen, you have to speak, but you should never stamp your feet.

Ultimate motives of family conflicts

Sometimes the motives of conflicts in the family are hidden so deeply that even the closest people cannot understand what is the matter. A person's mood may depend on factors that no one in the family knows about, but does not even know. Moreover, a person is not going to tell anyone about the reasons for a bad mood ...

How to find a way out? If the motives of family conflicts are hidden and it is impossible to understand them, then again and again you should talk with the person and try to find out what worries him and does not suit him.

Attention! Sometimes help is needed to resolve a conflict. This can be a conversation with a loved one, and professional help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Psychology about conflict

Psychology defines conflict as a lack of agreement between people, when it comes to individuals... And the lack of consent can provoke a clash of interests, a clash of contradictions and a further exacerbation of the situation.

Anything can become the cause of the conflict: politics, culture, religion, material condition, interests, expectations - absolutely anything. Add to this self-esteem, decisiveness, emotionality - and here it is, conflict. And then off we go: old grievances are remembered, something that did not exist is thought out and completed, the wrong conclusions are drawn.

Want to settle the conflict? Learn to give in. Most likely, it will soon be possible to return to a painful topic in a slightly different setting, and then it will be possible to return to your previous position.

It is very important to understand that it is flexibility, the ability to listen to to a loved one, the desire to find a compromise solution, the search for common ground will help resolve the conflict. Is your interlocutor right about something? Tell him about this, but gently and with respect to his opinion, because it is tolerance and goodwill that make it much easier to extinguish the conflict than anything else.

Even if an ordinary argument turns into a conflict, you should control your emotions, because uncontrollable emotions can completely destroy any relationship. And it is equally important that a civilized, calm and reasonable dispute never turns into a real conflict.

It is extremely important to understand that the conflict can only be resolved through a calm dialogue, that is, conversation. Only if all parties to the conflict are able to formulate their claims, their vision and communicate their expectations, only then the conflict can be stopped and extinguished.

Of course, it is very important to be able to formulate your thoughts, impressions, wishes, but it is equally important to be able to listen to the other side. It is quite possible that you will even have to change your point of view on some issues - this is normal, because this is the only way truth is born in a dispute. Note, in a dispute, not in a conflict.

Why is a conflict in a family dangerous? Any conflict awakens in people who yesterday were the closest, relatives and loved ones, resentment, distrust, irritation, anger. Conflict is bad for health, and not just at work nervous system, but also at the work of all systems and organs of the body. There are cases when conflicts ended in fatal suicidal attempts.

Do you want to reproach someone close to you? Do you feel like you can offend any of your family members? Stop. Someone must stop any conflict, but some conflicts drag on "forever - until dinner", while others drag on for decades.

Think about children and grandchildren, think about the atmosphere in which they will grow and form, think about everything that gives a strong family and what makes loving relatives happy. What conflict and what kind of clarification of the relationship can be more important than the smile of a loved one?

It has existed since the appearance in society of groups of people bound by common obligations, feelings, and ties of kinship. Even the greatest love one day comes to a certain stage when loving friend friend becomes unbearable together. Romance is replaced by a series of quarrels, and an impenetrable wall of incomprehension appears in every conversation. Everyone meets with it. But the only difference is that some couples stay together no matter what, while others get divorced.

In the modern world, spouses are practically not held back. At the first insoluble problem, they destroy their union and rush to find another partner, not thinking that the sad story may repeat itself. Based on the data on marriages and divorces in the 21st century, we get disappointing statistics: half of the concluded marriages break up due to the inability to express their thoughts and respond to the accumulated claims to each other.

In this article, we will take a look at family relationships from the point of view of psychology and we will offer options for resolving the disagreements that arise between the spouses.

Causes of family conflicts

Great attention should be paid to the microclimate in the house in order to notice the cause of the brewing disorder in time and try to correct it as quickly as possible.
There are two large groups: dissatisfaction between husband and wife and between parents and children. Quarrels between generations are inevitable. They arise for a number of the following reasons:

• Too subjective perception. Parents realize that the child does not achieve the ideal drawn in their head, and begin to criticize and compare him with peers, which leads to inevitable resentment and clarification of the relationship.

• Total control and guardianship. Continuous control of actions and the requirement of constant compliance with the rules and instructions leads to the fact that the child begins to resist such a rigid framework and conflict with parents.

• Hypo-protection. When a child is given too much independence, he begins to feel unnecessary, superfluous in the family. Because of this, his dissatisfaction with his parents is aggravated, envy of other children appears, he becomes secretive, irritable.

• Transitional age. An important and difficult period in a child's life, when he can get angry for any reason and in every possible way prove his importance in society.

But the source of disagreement with children is hidden in the relationship between parents. Therefore, we will consider in more detail the reasons for the problem of misunderstanding between spouses. It can be of an emotional and psychological nature, or it can be caused by everyday troubles. Often, most quarrels are associated with an inability to adapt to changes in life, less often with a lack of objective ways to relieve the tense atmosphere in getting used to new conditions.

Emotional causes of common family conflicts

• Dissatisfaction in various areas. Such a psychological problem not only negatively affects one of the partners, but also creates tension in the relationship and leads to inevitable quarrels. An unsatisfied need for attention, tenderness, supported by problems in the intimate sphere between partners, inevitably leads to the appearance of thoughts about divorce and betrayal, which puts the once stable relationship at risk.

• The psychological unwillingness of the spouses to build a family. This important factor does not depend on the person's age, but on their sense of community and their ability to take responsibility for another person. The situation of marriage calls for empathy with the interests of the other and the opportunity to put oneself in his place. Rejection of this leads to disagreement.

Psychologists have identified certain factors by which one can understand that a person is not ready for marriage:

• striving for constant rivalry in relationships;
• unwillingness to change something with pronounced problems;
• the constant desire of one of the spouses to criticize and educate the other;
• finding a person in a situation of uncertainty and a conscious refusal to choose a certain type of activity for oneself;
• constant doubts about your own partner.

All these factors are an indicator of your other half's unpreparedness for real problems. It is important to understand this in time and not to rush the person close to you, since forced marriage leads to negative consequences in the emotional component of the relationship between husband and wife.

Causes of conflicts in the family: the psychology of their instigators and origins in sociology

• Different views on living together. An important role is played by the models that were set by the parents of both spouses (who dominated, who depended on the main income, etc.). If they are completely different, then this can become a reason for constant quarrels.

• Inability to voice your claims on time. The principle of "inflating a fly to the size of an elephant" operates here. In a timely manner, dissatisfaction with the unclosed tube of paste that was not expressed in a timely manner could result in a huge scandal later.

• Disrespect for each other. At the moment of grinding, the degree of respect decreases, which can turn into humiliation and rudeness. A negative attitude towards a partner, an inability to understand him always leads to a quarrel.

• Different spiritual and moral guidelines. The difference in the value system of the spouses will cause many disagreements in the family.

• Opposite features in temperament. Individual psychophysiological differences between people can cause frequent collisions.

• Distrust and jealousy. Two problems that condition each other and prevent the relationship from becoming reliable and lasting. If one of the partners does not feel trust in the other, then this will lead to numerous conflicts.

Psychologists have found that everyday causes of disagreements in the family do not play such a significant role as emotional and psychological ones. But all the same, these factors should not be forgotten. These include:

• Material problems - lack of money, a significant difference in income, overestimated material ambitions and the inability to satisfy them.

• Housing difficulties - lack of housing, constant moving, living with the parents of the wife / husband, failure to fulfill their responsibilities at home.

• Parenting process - different styles and methods of parenting.

• Bad habits - alcoholism, drug addiction and others that do not allow you to lead a normal life. The unwillingness to change oneself also belongs to the same problem.

Each family goes through 4 crisis periods:

• First year of marriage. During this period, psychological reasons the emergence of conflicts in the family associated with the grinding of characters, which can be aggravated by material and housing problems.

• The appearance of children - Change social roles... Partners from spouses turn into parents, which imposes a whole range of new responsibilities and enormous responsibilities; there is an infringement of needs, and also there are disagreements about the upbringing of children.

• After 10-15 years of marriage. Feelings fade away, satiety with everyday life, exacerbation of contradictions with growing children.

• After 20 years of marriage. The time when anxiety about betrayal, mistrust of partners intensifies, the “empty nest” syndrome appears.

Since the family is a small social institution, one cannot ignore the causes of conflict from the point of view of sociology. First of all, it is worth mentioning here the changes taking place in modern society that fundamentally affect the microclimate of the relationship.

• Growing social exclusion. Sometimes it is simply impossible for newlyweds to join society due to insufficient education, unemployment, poverty, discrimination.

• The orientation of spouses to the cult of consumption popular in the modern world leads to marriages of convenience. Thus, traditional relations are devalued.

• The decline in moral values ​​and moral principles, including norms of sexual behavior, affects our attitude towards marriage as such.

Diagnostics and classification of family conflicts: types and types of conflicts in the family

Quarrels arise at any stage of the relationship and are formed not by one, but by a complex of reasons, among which the main one is indicated only conditionally. But according to the main motive, the following types of conflicts can be distinguished:

1. Physiological - supported by psychological reasons.
2. Valuable - born on the basis of rejection of the worldview.
3. Material - based on everyday reasons.
4. Demonstrative - a certain type that manifests itself only in society for a certain emotional release. This is the so-called public scandal.
5. Scenario dissatisfaction is the manipulation of one partner by another.

The most common typology involves the division of all family conflicts into:

• Constructive and destructive. In the first case, the spouses are determined to resolve the discord, and the second type, on the contrary, alienates the partners from each other.

• Genuine and false. Authentic ones arise from objective reasons and are perceived by the parties adequately. False ones exist only in the subjective perception of a husband or wife.

• Explicit and hidden types of family disagreements. Explicit - characterized by vivid emotional manifestations, outbursts of non-verbal and verbal aggression. The hidden one is based on unspoken grievances, unwillingness of partners to communicate, secret confrontations, it is difficult to identify and eliminate.

Each of the types affects relationships differently.

Causes and consequences of family conflicts

The severity of the consequences depends on the type of situation, the way it is resolved and the behavior of the participants. There are quarrels that are beneficial, help to clarify the prevailing misunderstandings, eliminate them and improve the atmosphere. But most often the consequences of local clashes are negative. They greatly affect the mental and physical health of everyone who lives in the same home. Before you get angry with your spouse, think if you will regret it, because the wound caused by a loved one heals for a very long time and sometimes is never forgiven. Communication between husband and wife is disrupted, resentment, mistrust appear, gradually the very existence of a cell of society loses its meaning, which leads to an inevitable divorce.

Quarrels have a negative effect on the fragile psyche of the child. He hardly perceives the negative attitude of parents towards each other and then projects everything onto himself, believing that he himself is the main cause of discord. This leaves a huge imprint on everything that the child does now, what he will be in the future.

To avoid these negative consequences, it is better not to lead to a quarrel, eliminating all differences peacefully. But if, nevertheless, this does not succeed, there are certain tricks with which you can prevent the development of an unacceptable scenario.

Ways and ways of resolving family conflicts

In the process of living together, certain difficulties and clashes arise between spouses. But happiness is worth fighting for, it needs to be suffered in everyday life, the search for compromises, caring for each other. In order for love and mutual understanding to reign in the house, and all disagreements were allowed only in a constructive direction, each partner should try and make every effort.

The first and most important thing you must do is learn to endure. Perceive your partner as yourself, close your eyes to shortcomings, become part of the other. You should empathize, not ignore or belittle his personality, but try to listen carefully and understand. You need to be able to negotiate and compromise. It is important to remember that there is always a way to improve a situation, no matter how difficult it may be. If the spouses are ready to find a way out together, and not blame each other, then they will definitely succeed.

How to resolve a family conflict

Your actions should be structured according to the following plan:

• identifying the cause of the disagreement;
• assessment of the guilt of each participant;
• turning off emotions, turning on the mind;
• making a compromise decision;
• prevention of quarrels.

Psychologists identify the following ways to prevent family conflicts:

• mutual respect;
• striving for compromise, tolerance;
• the ability to forgive the mistakes of your companion;
• lack of recriminations, direct criticism, disapproval;
• healthy self-irony of partners;
• maintaining a relationship of trust;
• an objective view of different points of view;
• the ability to maintain the commonality of positions and experiences.

In the works of the American researcher D.G. Scott in Psychology identifies five main styles or ways of resolving conflicts in family relationships:

• Competition - used when one of the partners seeks to force the other to make his decision, in order to please his goals.

• Evasion - can be used if you are unsure of a positive solution to the dispute.

• Adaptation - occurs when one subject dominates, and the second accepts his interests without great losses for himself. Thus, a solution is developed that satisfies both.

• Cooperation - characterized by the desire of both spouses to eliminate discord and come to a mutually beneficial solution, provided that there is equality (alternative options).

• Compromise - both sides make concessions when they understand that they want the same thing, but in this situation this is impracticable (temporary solution to the problem).

The choice of any model depends on the degree of complexity of the situation. To understand how to avoid family conflicts, find ways to resolve them, and reconcile differences, you must find out what led to the conflict. Each couple, depending on their characteristics, will be able to find the right way out of the current circumstances.

If the spouses cannot solve the problem on their own, you can always contact a specialist. A psychotherapist or psychologist will be able to create conditions for the interaction of the parties, identify the root cause of dissatisfaction with oneself and others, and suggest a way to eliminate irritation and tension. Many experts adhere to the practice of consulting the "intermediary" model. This is a way when a husband and wife, with the help of a third person, come to a resolution of the conflict.

Such a variety of ways to resolve, prevent and prevent family conflicts is not accidental, since a collision can have the most unusual form, supported by a whole complex of reasons that do not always fit any classification. The longer the collision exists, the more effort will be required to find a way out of it, so you need to find the right method as soon as possible and use it.

Or views. This is a normal component of relations, of course, subject to its constructive resolution. Conflicts happen in every family. There is even a typology of families in terms of the level of conflict. But first things first.

Depending on the frequency, depth and severity of conflicts in psychology, it is customary to distinguish families:

1. Crisis. The contradiction between the needs and interests of spouses occurs constantly, in every area. Partners are hostile to each other, unable to constructively resolve the conflict.
2. Conflicting. The interests of partners often come into conflict, but the spouses are able, and most importantly, they want, to find a constructive solution.
3. Distressed. The relationship between spouses is tense, often aggravated, and at any moment they are ready to take the form of a conflict. This is due to long-term dissatisfaction with the needs of family members.
4. Neurotic. Families with high anxiety, tension, chronic and severe dissatisfaction, instability.

Types of family conflicts

• Conflicts can be open (quarrel, scandal, fight) and hidden (internal discontent, passive).
• In addition, conflicts can be easily resolved (the reason and solutions are easy to find) and intractable (the problem is found with difficulty, after the solution remains tension in the relationship).
• You can also highlight constructive and destructive conflicts. Destructive ones create long-term tension in the family, the conviction of the spouses in a real threat. Constructive conflicts force spouses to treat each other more carefully, to strive to understand their partner.

Most often, conflicts arise at the so-called stage, that is, at the beginning of a relationship, when the spouses are only adapting to each other's peculiarities. At this stage, it is especially important to work out conflicts, find their causes and solve problems.

Causes of conflicts

The cause of the conflict is potentially any difference in views, needs, habits, experiences. We all know that the cause of the conflict is always personally significant, and to name everything possible reasons just impossible. What's a reason for one couple is a reason to laugh for another.

The burden of family responsibilities, unsettled life, a new complex way of life - all this can provoke conflicts. It is noted that men suffer more because of difficulties in everyday life, physical and material issues. While women are more quickly "undermined" by the loss of romanticism, the lack of respect and expressions of love on the part of a partner.

The most popular and generalized reason for failure is inadequate attitudes toward ease of marriage. The basis of such an installation is.

One way or another, conflicts arise from the unmet needs of one or both spouses. In this context, the theory of V. A. Sysenko is of interest. The author identified the following causes of conflicts based on unmet needs:

1. Unsatisfied need for the value and significance of "I". It arises as a result of a disrespectful attitude from a partner, insults, insults, inadequate criticism. It manifests itself in conflicts and quarrels.
2. Sexual dissatisfaction. The reason for this may be the mismatch of the cycles of arousal, the low sexuality of one of the partners, overwork, illiteracy in matters of hygiene, illness and neurosis. It is manifested by conflicts, quarrels, mental stress.
3. Dissatisfaction with the need for emotional closeness: affection, care, attention, understanding. The reason is psychological alienation. It is expressed by conflicts, quarrels, depression, mental stress.
4. Addictions of one of the spouses, ruining the family (alcoholism, gambling addiction). It is expressed in conflicts, quarrels, quarrels.
5. Exaggerated needs of one of the spouses, which causes disagreements in matters of the family budget, the contribution of each of the spouses.
6. Unmet basic needs (clothing, food) due to the personal needs of the other spouse. It is reflected in conflicts, quarrels, quarrels.
7. The contradiction in the need for cooperation, help, delineation of responsibilities at home or in raising children. It manifests itself in conflicts.
8. Different needs for recreation. Because of this, conflicts, quarrels, quarrels arise.

It is the needs that are primarily studied by the psychologist to help the family. Needs determine motives and interests, resistance to external stimuli. Depression and often have its roots in marital discord.

The more the needs are satisfied, the more stable the marriage. Communication between spouses should be emotionally positive. Neither spouse should experience feelings of alienation and mental loneliness.

In a relationship, at least a minimum level of satisfaction must be achieved. Otherwise, there is discomfort, negative emotions and feelings. With unsatisfied or partially satisfied needs, first physical and mental personal tension arises, and then the emotional and psychological stability of the marriage begins to suffer. Unfortunately, sometimes the very personality of one spouse is an obstacle to meeting the needs of the other.

Conflict resolution

The structure of the family conflict and in it are the same as in any other conflict. I want to consider in more detail the strategies and their implications for family conflict.

1. Domination. Doomed in advance to failure. Ignoring the interests and needs of the partner will further aggravate the situation.
2. Leaving and avoiding. It will not solve the conflict, but will transfer it to the status of a chronic one. The family will be "marking time", like its members.
3. Compliance. Will lead to a frustrated state of one of the partners, an imbalance in relationships (rights, power, responsibilities). The family will become unstable and unstable.
4. Compromise. More or less acceptable, but not ideal. Mutual concessions there is a place to be, but in the depths of the soul the sediment will remain with each spouse.
5. Cooperation. The best option for resolving the conflict. Promotes the personal growth of spouses, increasing communication skills, developing and strengthening the family.

Family quarrel strategy

Conflict is always accompanied by a quarrel. But you can use it to your advantage. In psychology, there is the concept of a strategy for conducting a family quarrel. This is a dispute between two loving people, in which truth is born without accusations and harsh words.

• The first condition is that no one wants to win. Both want to resolve the contradiction. The defeat of one of the spouses is the defeat of the whole family.
• The second condition is to always respect your spouse, no matter how guilty he is. Even in the most terrible rage, you need to remember how dear this person was to you until recently.
• The third condition is not to return to it after the quarrel, not to even mention its reasons.

When solving a problem, it is important to avoid maximalism and categorical judgments, not to involve third parties (friends, children, relatives) in the conflict. Be honest with yourself about your concerns. Just as honestly tell your partner about it.

Positive family psychotherapy

If you cannot solve the problem on your own, then it is reasonable to visit a psychologist. Family positive psychotherapy is used to resolve family conflicts. The conflict is being worked out through 4 directions:

• bodily (sensation and perception);
• activity (mind and activity);
• social and communicative (contact, traditions);
• communication (imagination and intuition).

It is important that the work along the lines is carried out in unity and consistency. The body will show how the situation is reflected, the social direction will acquaint with the experience of older generations, the imagination will make a forecast and present a solution, the activity will bring it to life.

If one of the directions prevails, then the number of opportunities for solving the problem is significantly reduced. Moreover, various kinds of dysfunctions are noted:

• With the predominance of the bodily - insomnia, drowsiness, eating disorders, and sexual abnormalities.
• With the predominance of activity - avoiding the problem: enthusiasm for other activities (work, entertainment) or passivity and apathy, idleness. If the conflict is processed in this way, then there is an inadequate self-esteem of the spouse, fear of failure, focus on results.
• With the predominance of the social direction - avoiding the problem in superficial communication, company, or vice versa, avoiding any contacts and communication.
• apart from other elements, a person takes away into an unreal world of fantasies and illusions, dreams. This aggravates the conflict.

Why else is it so important to consider family history? The author of this concept, N. Pezeshkian, highlights the actual and basic conflict. Relevant is what is happening in the family now. Basic - a conflict in the family of the parents of one of the spouses, brought by him into his family.

To resolve the current conflict, it is necessary to solve the basic one, that is, to understand how the relations in the parental family were built. Everything is important that influenced the formation of the personality of the current spouses in childhood. It is necessary to find the reasons and the object of the basic conflict and positively rethink it.

There is no need to look for the culprits and initiators. We need to solve the problem. In the decision, all are equal participants, regardless of their role and age. The problem with this method is solved in 6 stages:

1. Determination of the cause and object of the conflict (contradictions of specific motives and needs).
2. Fixation of all alternative solutions, regardless of how they suit or not suit all participants. The main rule is not to criticize or evaluate even the most unrealistic proposals.
3. Discussion and evaluation of all options. The option is not accepted if at least one family member is not satisfied. It is recommended to avoid "You-statements" and use "I-statements" during the discussion stage. The discussion continues until a common alternative is found.
4. Choice of the most acceptable solution.
5. Bringing the solution to life. Drawing up an implementation plan with a detailed distribution of the rights and responsibilities of all participants.
6. Development of a system for evaluating and monitoring the results of the decision.

The family council method creates a new experience of family relationships, improves them, activates the personal resources of each participant. In addition, counseling requires less time and effort than psychotherapy. The main principle method - "here and now". The problem is solved immediately and in fact, the solution is immediately found. Spouses learn to understand each other better.

How else not to let the "everyday" ruin the relationship? Learn from the video.