1) What is religion in a wide and narrow sense of the word? Is it possible, in your opinion, ...
They say, those who are too lazy to draw conclusions from strangers on their mistakes. But if we were all so smart, as you think about yourself ... then we would not lose money. And the guys would not leave us "with hope, but no chance." And we would have a completely different life ...
But! It's never too late to stop walking across rabbers. Stop believing in Santa Claus and Loofoff at first glance.
"Why did he come with me?! I am with your whole soul, and he ... " - The details from different stories and a lot of pain go further. How many times was deceiving and betrayed. Lean to girlfriends. Bentily bred for money or loans. Disappeared after first sex. I left for a lifelong business trip to where there is no connection and the Internet.
Indeed, as it could have happened especially with a woman who in other spheres of life about himself and his interests always remember.
Let's figure it out ...
You know, scams and unclean people have their own signs for which they choose the victim. They do not break together in a row with their "frozen" intentions. They choose "To certainly" ... so that the probability of success sought to 100%.
And that the most annoying, their victims usually become not so much space and suckers. In their networks and "smart and successful", and famous - in short, large fish. And with a lot of spaces, there is little "benefit".
And here are fraudsters-chairs and love failures?
Yes, while!
Some and the same habits lead us to the deplorable results. Only some "throw" or "diluted" for money, and others betray in love, although they also take money.
Think, you have no such habits and you just did not accidentally be lucky?- Let's check ...
Well, so that the future is reinforced. To just be sure that you are all right. ( And even sigh with relief, if it is not about you)
Dangerous signs for which fraudsters and love freshers accurately understand that you are their potential victim.
- You used to trust in love for all 100%.
But how otherwise, after all, he cannot lie. And in general, you have been taught from childhood that people need to be believed. Especially close. And you have love and all that ...
Still the ladies say - we have special, trust, relationships ( how long has these relationships in general - it doesn't matter) And because I trust him as myself.
Believe me, there are such masters that you will create a feeling of trust and openness in minutes. Only this they "revealed you," and know exactly what.
- You believe in fairy tales of love, chance "fateful", love at first sight and so on.
And your soul instantly responds to male stories "I loved, and she took everything and went to my friend," "I am poor, but honest." And even more so in "I have millions and I'm looking for someone to throw them to the legs."
The more you listen to, with details, details, emotions - the more I want to believe. And after a couple of moments, you begin to draw the missing details, you think and decorate the heard ... and knit in noodle on our own ears ...
Because you just believe that ...
- He can't lie, you think you ... and do not check anything! Just believe on the word.
You can not check and do not specifically strive because there is no access to information right now. I do not want, because too lazy or really want to trust him. Do not know how, because there is no experience, but ask for someone about helping. And in general, it's just not convenient to offend a good person.
And this "man" is precisely such "politeness" and expects! He knows exactly what to check will not go. Or it took care of it in advance to check it was impossible.
- You are honest and open as a child. And from the first meeting, give out all the information about yourself as in spirit.
And what about! You have nothing to hide, you have serious intentions - and you confirm them, issuing everything to clean.
« How can you tell such a random person? » - Ask. Yes, what is it random?! He allowed for a date. He has such wonderful eyes and he listens so carefully. Do not even interrupt, I ask questions, I wonder, delves into the details.
Yes, I never even interest my parents! I'm going to live with him for a long time and happily and he should know everything without everything.
- Your relationship is mystery for everyone and no one knows about him ...
Yes, of course, you want to hide your unexpected happiness from others 
eye. Well, not to envy. He managed to convince you that the envy of friends destructively acts on his feelings for you. And in general, he is vulnerable ... and therefore insists on secret.
No one knows how close you are and what is your access to you, your assets and property. And among themselves, you agreed with him that you have everything in common, but while you use yours. Or are you a generosity of spiritual stated - "I have a lot, take yourself how much you need."
And no formalities, securities. What for?! Your feelings are above this ... and in general, why spoil love with some obligations, receipts, documents and witnesses.
And generally speaking…
- You lost a connection with reality, the passion swallowed you, turned my head, talked the mind of love and fabulous prospects.
The partner so skillfully immersed you in the picture of the desired future, which you already live in it. It is as bright and joyful compared to your today. So I want to not get out of it.
Your focus is all there. And this boring reality ... Well, she just distracts from a picture of a dream and interferes to twist in the clouds.
So I want to declare everyone - "Loose from me with your sober glance! I feel good in the clouds! "
Yes of course…
- You know that they can deceive, use and betray ... but not you, not now, not this person.
This can be terrible and irreparable with someone. Someone can "stroll", "relax boots" and allow you to use. Someone can breed as a kitten, and leave with nothing.
But with Vaaami ... so in no way! Can't happen to happen to you.
Because you are special. And you know exactly what it is not-kog-yes with you!
And in general, everyone just jealous!
And maybe quite the opposite ...
- You are so afraid of losing the object of your adoration that you are poting all of its whims, requirements and requests.
You are ready to serve him and your love the rest of your life. 
Perform his desires, anticipate expectations. Become an air for him to breathe you.
No, you do not obey him badly and probably. ( These are weak and dependent submitted, you are not so.) You serve him and your love. You contribute to your relationship.
Why exactly so - submissive and following his desires? Yes, because it is joyful and easy to obey him. In addition, your chosen one only perceives your relationship. In the case of your inconsistency and refusal to serve him - he threatens to leave forever. And for you it is simply unbearable.
Or is still so ...
- I want to wipe the nose in one fear so that they accumulate themselves from envy. And the new fan is considered as a way ... as a tool of retribution or your triumph ...
They did not believe that you are special that you are worthy of the best that you all work so cool.
Digested, boasted with your superiority. Or maybe even mocked, calling the gray mouse or rivory, or another offend. They said that you didn't shine anything like that.
We had to endure ... But you knew that the truck with candies would turn on your street. And now - you have it. That's how cool you, incredibly lucky. Now let them envy the prince to be grabbed.
You are already savoring your triumph "to yourself".
Although ... maybe ahead of time ...
In whatever of these reasons you have learned yourself, remember - they are all bait of fraudsters. Those who are looking for easy prey, loves to "powder brains", collect broken hearts. And just for marriage swells, alphonses and adventurers-Gulelen.
These are their favorite traps. Hooks that they catch their potential victims. And such your behavior in response to their traps is the signal "mining got!".
And believe me, most often not naive fool-lohushki are being held on them. ( Such victories are not a subject for great pride.)
Hunt most often on smart women who have succeeded in a career or business. Alas, they are often, trusted, expensive expensive.
If you learned yourself, your stories from the past, just be careful and listen to your feelings when meeting a man. What drives you, what motivation he awakens in you. And where can she bring you.
Then you immediately begin more often to notice men who are honest and open in dealing with you.
Happiness to you! And wisdom!
P.S. Well, if you want not only to clutch the road in your life ...
... but also help good men to appear next to you - then pay attention to the workshop "Trust men again"
You can not doubt - there are good men. Perhaps now you are friends or simply communicate from time to time with some of them.
Pay attention to your emotions, feelings that go up next to men.
Is everything there smoothly?
Do not the alarms, fears, resentment, disappointment (in themselves, men, relationships), maybe even annoyance or anger ...
They are the wall between you and good men.
These men are not going Razing "Baggies" after your non-coming former. Do not want to beat yourself with a sneaker in the chest and prove that they are not scoundrels. Act in the role of Pope / Psychotherapist or helping "treated" spiritual wounds.
They want to build relationships with a satisfied, happy woman. And have the right to do it!
They work on themselves to be in better shape (physical, moral, financial). And in the right to expect that the partner will also be able to respond to their emotions and their lives.
If you feel that inside everything is compressed from the forced pricing, pain, fears, deceptions. And from this communication with normal men develops into some kind of madhouse ... (You are either lost, or, on the contrary, are trying to take on board, or self-affirmation of their account) ... Do not rush to scold yourself for it!
An attempt to suppress negative behavior - only enhances such behavior.
Better learn correctly trust men.
So that he, on the one hand, felt the main thing in your pair, and you could relax next to him. On the other hand he i understood - you have to remember your interests and always take into account them.
How to do it soft and female - learn in the workshop "Trust men again"
What you will find out there will also have a relationship with the former revise. And part of the offense, former pain and anger just go away.
By the end of the day, on August 13, a special promotion will act on this workshop. More information - by reference below
© Christian Schloe
They say every 7 years we are experiencing a change in life. Some of us feel, others ignore. If you are paying close attention to your vibration when you start feeling that things are slightly shifted, or you have this feeling of fuss, then you know that we are experiencing a change in the life cycle. What you do with it depends on you.
Here are a few signs that you can find out.
1. Your vibration increases
Your body will physically warn you that it is ready to shift. Imagine small creatures in your blood, muscles and nerves, and every small cell of your body begins to crumble, almost running. They are preparing for the alleys, oscillatory paths.
2. Inspiring
You begin to feel more agitated, thinking about your goals, dreams, ideas. You have this feeling that you are in the right place and know that you are on the right track. Follow him. Do not ignore it. The time has come.
3. Loss of interest
Although you still retain a lot of different interests and hobbies, you begin to find that those that were once enjoyed, no longer bring pleasure. These can be friends and familiar people. Maybe you no longer have former interests or mentality, and perhaps the time has come to move on.
4. A new goal or passion appears.
What brews inside you may well be your new goal or passion. When we change, our passions and goals are also changing. Do something new.
5. Cut the time yourself
You can suddenly feel the feeling that you want to be more likely to be alone. Some in your home, in the forest, on the lake or anywhere. You just want to be yourself, with your thoughts, in a deep world or in space. This intuition, speaking with you and reminding you to welcome loneliness and new ideas.
6. Read more
Are you more attracted books than a TV show? Did you suddenly have a thirst for knowledge? You grow and develop. This is the way your brain say: "Please feed me."
7. You are changing
You noticed shift. You are not the former person. Your friends feel it and not only notice it in your behavior, but also in your energy. Your vibration is so high that it affects people around you. This is a good thing.
8. Sensitivity
Do you feel a little more sensitive lately than ever? This is quite normal. Your mind, energy and feelings change and you become in greater harmony with your surroundings, people and, quite possibly, sorrow, which is all over the world. You know more about homelessness and suffering those who surround you, and reflect on how you can help.
Pay attention to it. Your change can happen right now.
A source
Very often you do not understand what a good relationship is, without having been in the terrible. Love is a strange thing: you think that you understand what it is, until you feel it on yourself. Love always changes you, she makes you better. When you have a happy relationship with that person you truly love, and who loves you with all my heart, the following happens:
1. Everything develops without voltage
In the right relationship everything will always be easy. You will be very easy to interact with a partner. Moreover, when you are in such respects, love is something quite natural. You can not even imagine to choose someone else in return to your partner. You feel in an infinite stream of tenderness.
2. After a quarrel, you feel that they have become much closer
Each couple quarrels, and probably more often than you assume. The question is whether you will stop these quarrels and move away from each other, or try to solve the situation and be better for each other. Happy relationship implies the second.
3. You become more confident in all your actions.
You do not just admire each other and are experiencing an endless passion. In the right relationship, every aspect of your life is improving. You become more confident, because there is someone who always supports you.
4. In the first place is comfort, and not passion
Of course, the happy relationship require both of the other. But passion you can experience almost any person. Another business is comfort. This is a feeling of happiness, the ability to rejoice at each other every day. This feeling is priceless, it makes truly happy your coexistence.
5. Childhood wounds heal
In the right relationship you experience a sense of security. Often it leads to the fact that your "inner child" is returned. Sometimes it looks like a couple of people becomes too tied to each other, as if children. But it happens that people project their deep injuries to childhood on their partner. No matter what is happening, you start working with your deep problems. As a result, you correct and change relationships with parents. And also feel less frightened or compacted by a person.
6. You begin to think about the strength of time
When we are young, we rarely think about what will happen next, as and when this or that event happens. But when we have a happy relationship, we probably know that we are going on the right path all the time. And that all that was with you before, it happened not in vain.
7. You re-acquire joy
Many people think that finding love is tantamount to re-open their romantic "I". However, the right relationship will make you truly find and feel your inner. This is one of the most amazing differences between the correct relationship, that is, happy, and wrong or toxic.
8. You feel completely different
Happy relationship will make you feel that changes are happening with you for the better. Love is not easy to have a number of people with whom you can share eternity. This person becomes your driving and motivational force.
Journalist Alesya Lonskaya continues the conversation with the psychotherapist of Olesei Polyakova on the addiction, abuse and personal boundaries.
"Cooling with pleasure will give you your life, but in exchange for your"
Psychologist Olesya Polyakova
Olesya, how would you define what is a consequence?
A bright sign of comparison is the absence of space for free independent human development. A co-dependent person cannot do without the other: can't make decisions himself, can not feel, can not live, he is sure to need another side. These people are dependent as emotionally, so often and financially. They cannot be responsible for themselves, to remain with themselves, they have little of their life. They have either another, and they live the life of another, merge with others, or there is "we", and they live these collective "we". But there is no separate "I". And if they have to pick up everything connected with another person, they will be physically bad, they begin to navigate badly in their lives. "I can not breathe calmly, nor think, neither is without another" is the phrase of a treating person. Heavy condition, almost like breaking the addict.
Based on your definition, consideration is not only between partners in marriage, but also between parents and giving out children. Is it so?
Of course. Most often it is in parental relations and her roots. Generally speaking, consideration can arise between grandmothers and grandparents, and between friends, and between colleagues, and between the boss and subordinate. If you are in principle, co-dependent, then such forms of relationships you install with many people. You can establish a qualifying relationship even with a hairdresser: you have long ceased to like it, but you can't leave him or recover to his colleague in the next chair to not offend him.
Apparently, if you are afraid to refuse even a hairdresser - you don't love deeply deeply.
Low self-esteem, the lack of love for yourself is one of the characteristic features of a matter of the identity.
What is missing in himself, he takes from other people, almost like a vampire?
He is a vampire, that's for sure. But giving vampire. Capped with pleasure will give you all your life, but in exchange for yours.
Is it always a negative script that you need to avoid?
Not always. For me, the indicator is how people feel in this relationship. I saw many pairs of co-dependent, where a friend without a friend cannot, they hit the soul and feel great. They do not torment each other, although they are responsible for themselves for themselves to another. They do not have each separately, they only have "we", but they are fine in this.
The fact is that contradiction and love are things of various orders. The first is how the relationship is arranged, and the second is what they are filled. There is a co-addiction where there is love, and there is a co-addiction where it is not. But this is always a risky scenario of relationships, because the partner may want to separate, may die, in the end. It worries it very hard.
« The victim of the Abuza prefers to notice only the bright parties of relations »
Let's talk about Abuz. We will not take cases of obvious violence when everyone is clear that you need to run away from the partner. How to understand that you live in a situation of psychological, emotional violence? There are, alas, the mass of stories, when a woman lives in a state of suppression, and only after many years he understands that it is no longer left for her personality, and there are no strength to leave the relationship. Although physically it could not hurt, it turns into a shadow.
Abyuz is an emotional suppression (you are not, I have with my position), physical (I will make you do something), sexual use. The absor comes most often. And the victims are not inclined to act. The person who is in the situation of home suppressions and control (and the absurr is a terrible controller and the owner that constantly uses manipulations), like any victim, does not represent what could be different. He considers it the norm: "Everyone lives like that", "I suffer all something."
Patience is a specific signal. Need to ask: why do I suffer? Should I endure? The people who fell into the situation of Abuza do not feel themselves, because they do not know how - once a long time ago they were banned. And if they suddenly emerge on the surface of their feelings and think: "God, what happens in my family, with my children?!" - They immediately covers avalanche of shame and guilt for what they allowed to happen. And they are angry back. Here is the answer to the question why this happens for years. "Yes, I'm bad in the family, but I myself am guilty, it's a shame, this is not necessary to seek help, it should be hidden behind our walls" - this is the characteristic state of the victim.
If a person catches himself on the feeling of guilt, shame, the feeling that he all the time tolerates something, dwells in constant voltage - this is a disturbing symptoms. There are many social centers where women can assist. But the victims of the abuse, alas, often themselves come back home. They briefly have enough strength to respond healthy, and then everything returns to the circles. Because only in those conditions they are accustomed and knowing how to live. And most often they have to do not feel in the existing relationship, do not feel and deceive themselves that everything is not so bad.
Often the partner has two masks: it is also very good. And the sacrifice stops.
Let's deal with what it means good. Is it in principle what? I basically with him - how? Not like me in the morning, but in the evening, but in general, with him - how?
Abuasers have an interesting model of behavior. They accumulate emotions, splashing their aggression on the partner, then go to the lull. In the calm can be supported, care, something in the life of the victim to ask, give money. Then again the nuts of the control, suppression are twisted - and again in a circle. The victim prefers to notice the bright parties of the relationship and not notice those in which she herself vinit. She does not believe in help, does not believe the world, does not believe in himself. Plus, it is often dependent - and emotionally, and financially. And the talented abuser uses such forms of insults, threats, hard manipulations, which is difficult to confront even a healthy person, and lost stability - is sometimes impossible.
There is such a phenomenon "Gaslight" - the form of manipulation, when the abuser claims "You all invented", "nothing was like that", "you are crazy." And a woman early or later begins to feel crazy, because I used to trust the absurger.
Yes, Gaslights say: "You are abnormal", "you are sick", "you came up with this", "You have problems with memory", "You have problems with the psyche", "You don't understand anything, you don't know", and therefore "You need to be treated, learn, change, and at the moment do not resist, do, as I say." And the victim begins to doubt its adequacy.
Gaslights are pressured on sick places, looking for any allies (friends, relatives), show the situation in the world favorable world, withdraw this person from equilibrium. They take an iszor.
The victim of the abuser is a person in principle doubting, emotionally unstable, it is easy to "break". Do you know what comes to consult? I sometimes have to take the phone and say: "Let me read that I came in a wrap at three in the morning, and you guess the author." And when a person begins to listen to his own message, for him it as the ears of cold water. He says: "Stop it to read it, it's not my life, you tell some horrors. If it happened with my girlfriend, my sister, I would say: "Run, save." Is it really happening to me? " The person is inclined to turn off a strongly intolerable situation.
And when we arrive at the consultation to important decisions, and then the woman goes home, where it is "treated", the next time I hear from her: "I am unbearable since childhood, I have always had difficulty with it." Such we, psychologists, we see regularly. I would like this interview not only to describe the characteristic signs of the abusive relationship, but also to show that you can get help. The victims do not believe in it.
The worst thing they believe the abuser.
This is the closest person who is near. The same was the victim's parent, and for her it is familiar and understandable. And the biggest problem is to believe that relations can be different, people can be different. And believe yourself that you can pass through all this.
Is it possible to rebuild the relationship with the absurre without divorce?
Yes. I believe in this as well as the fact that co-dependent can be happy and do not need therapy, and regularly argues on this topic with colleagues. About the abs is my opinion exactly the same. In the absuriss you need to learn yourself to defend yourself. Get out of manipulations, not to help offend, force ourselves to respect, reckon with your opinion. When a person stops being a victim, they cease to treat him like this - this is a frequent story. After all, the absurr does not behave this way with other people, at work, with neighbors, in transport. Because he can "fly," because he clearly realizes what it is possible, and what is impossible. And if suddenly his partner begins to stand on his own interests, defend and be Regardless of what another person does with it, the situation can start changing much. Although it may not, of course. Abuser We will not change.
In addition, there may also be feelings in such respects. They are not only violence and suppression. People can be each other road. I saw people who built their borders in therapy, became able to protect their position in the family and at the same time were tested with warm feelings for their partner, prone to pressure. Because if we are about unconditional love - what prevents to love a person who has a drawer broke into a well?
I find it difficult to imagine it. If the partner pulls out your well to the bottom of a huge scoist - you will die.
What is a huge scope? This is the image of what we let the abuser inside themselves and allow you to do anything there. And we have borders on what? Two people should remain solid and interact on the proximity necessary for each distances. Why start the other in the other inside? This can be if you like, if safely, if it is mutual filling. And if one pulls out another, then it is not necessary to let it go there, for this there are borders, you need to interact with this person on a neutral territory, not merge with him. And it can also be good. With the absurrum you can build this option of relationships so as not to suffer. Maybe an absurr does not touch? Can.
The first thing we do is stop physical violence and sexual exploitation. We need to figure out, in what cases it happens. That the steam allows the physical impact, as can be done differently. Of course, it is necessary to defend yourself, but it is necessary to defend themselves before the stage of the fists. Here it is already necessary not to be included in the manipulation.
We find out that a person led to the abuse situation, at what stage he needed to get out of this interaction, as not to give himself offended. The victim did not know how to do it, but you can teach it. We study all forms of manipulations in which a person falls. I tell him that, how, for what purpose makes a manipulator towards him. A person understands how he is sticking to it, and next time it is already trying to trap not to fall.
With sexual exploitation, the same thing: you need to return or form a person with the right to your body. So that he did not give up this right to another to understand that only he had the right to his body, is responsible for his feelings, for his safety, for his borders. Responsibility does not lie in any other way!
Some absurgers also come to therapy with their victims or separately, they are also ready to listen and change. No one speaks about it, we all know about the horror stories. But the abuser himself is the victim of the Abuza. It happens that he spontaneously manifests emotional violence in response to the false behavior of the victim.
This is already for Victimyming. Readers will say that you accuse the victim.
We do not judge the victim and do not blame. A vulnerable position is her (or him, if it is a man) trouble, this is a cry for help. If you just judge the abuser and justify the victim, the victim does not change anything in life. If you just leave the relationship, without changing yourself, - the victim will find the same abuser, because it unconsciously provokes such an attitude to himself. On the one hand, she was offended earlier and thus fastened in the mind that it could be done so. She reconciles with it. On the other hand, the victim is hard with this to live, she demonstrates his vulnerable state in the hope that it will be regretted, and violence will not happen. Her psyche is so striving for curable, this is such a passive way to help himself.
The sign on the forehead "I am vulnerable" is a cry for help, about salvation. Obviously, this cry is not demonstrated in that audience where he can hear it because it is important that the abuser stopped offended. Including therefore, the abuser does not leave. Waiting for the cure of their injury where it can not happen. And the victim accounted for in therapy to realize their provocative position. It is very important to provoke a protest from her: "I don't want to do so anymore, I will not let me anymore, just I can stop it." It needs to be understood that it is not necessary to wait for protection from someone else, but above all of itself.
One my friend tried to tell the absurger about what she feels, to protest, protect yourself. Her partner was even more angry. She had a feeling that the stronger she was moving - the more the cat had fun, in the legs of which mouse. And when she did not move, it was easier, because now he is afraid to lose, lose his power. How so?
From your words it is clear that in this example, the victim continued to be afraid of the abuser. She demonstrated her vulnerability. Apparently, she still has no resource to cope.
And what does "she moved?" Often the victim begins to fight the aggressor, attacking him than it causes an even greater wave of aggression. It is important to protect yourself, but do not fight with the absurr. For the sake of their safety you need to get out of the interaction in time: do not talk, do not answer, get out of the room.
How long does the victim go to work out?
Someone has two meetings: a person understands what happens, where it came from, he turns on the protest - "Enough, I don't want to be more in this." After all, sometimes people and therapy do not come: they read the book or article, looked at the film, realized something, or their friends supported them - and they began to solve the problem. They and psychologist are not particularly needed. And someone is very hard: the person is so dependent, he is hard to gather, he cannot be separate, he is afraid to move and make decisions. It will fall into the state of the victim as more safe. After all, for him, the abuser is the most understandable person, he did not know another.
The victim of the Abyuza has no "inner Kremlin"
What do personal boundaries look normally?
A person who disassembled with his borders must strive for the ability to understand its condition and understand the state of the other. Because the border guards a person, and a person is a feeling, state, desire, needs. If there is no understanding of yourself, understanding that you feel and want, there is nothing to guard. Often, people read something on the forums and floundering around the struggle for their borders, and they have little. Because you need to start not from that. First of all, you need to understand what we protect, but only then - how to do it. And this is the ability to feel yourself. Where I am, and where else is another, both on the territory of another.
There are several types of borders. There is a border around itself - both around the state, and there is a border that we install with the world. There is a border for which we let the family, and there is a border for which we let friends, etc.
Where can I start family members, but where can't you?
Everyone decides himself. Someone does not allow parents to their personal borders, but hesitates friends. For teens it is normal. Some adults are allowed by parents, but do not let partner. For them, this is normal, although, in my opinion, this is non-constructive option. Either: let go of children, but do not let partners. Or let go friends, and not let her husband or wife.
What does the most healthy option look like?
For a child in the near circle, parents are first located. Then other friends appear, then friends. The child will grow up, and in the norm, parents farther and further depart from its borders. It is separated from them. If the adult in the first round there are parents, the topic of separation and the question arises, whether he can build other forms of relationships.
And on the contrary: if we look at a couple of "adult and a small child," then, at first, a small child is close, and then, as we grow up, we are preparing to let him go. And if an adult in a near-circle is not a partner in the near circle, and the grown children are again a story about co-addiction, reluctance to let go or about the lack of proximity to the partner.
In an adult person, we expect to see that in the first round he has a partner, then friends or sisters, then children, then parents. But a person suits close circles as he is "lucky in life", based on his inner state. And someone a friend or brother / sister is much closer than the spouse. And this is a more acceptable option than if there were parents or children.
How do we work on this in therapy? A man in his soul conventionally distinguishes several zones. This is my zone of communication with parents. But this one - with her husband. But this one - with children. We ask ourselves questions: Husband where can I "walk" in my soul? Does he go to other territories? Why am I let him go? And to colleagues where you can go, but where can't you? Parents on which territory can be found, and what it is impossible? And children? And friends? We deal in detail with a person his relationship with others so that he has understood.
In a person, without borders, everyone inside is mixed, people and connections with them are confused, it is not clear who and what function for him is performing, he lets others in all the catches of his soul - including those people who are injured. It becomes bad in a natural way, and he either ceases to admit someone to himself or suffer. And in the norm there should be differentiation of zones with borders, with pronounced rules for visiting a particular territory, as in the state. A person establishes the rules that it is possible to do on its territory, and that it is impossible to whom and for what rules can be included. Here we go to the park, and the login rules are written at the entrance: it is impossible to smoke, it is impossible to litter, you can take pictures. A person also learns to build healthy borders: it's possible to do this with me, but I don't accept it, it wounds me, this reacted zone will lead to the launch. I tried, put a man, and he did not justify confidence - it means no longer let. Next time, look at a person, whether he can behave in your "park".
And there is a completely closed zone - the inner Kremlin, which no one is allowed. This is the guarantee of human mental health. Not everyone has this Kremlin. Those who do not have a huge fear of establishing close relationships. We work with this fear: set the zones, rules, borders, learn to understand themselves, build a secluded inner Kremlin, where no one should see. There, a person acquires himself, writes his laws and norms, forms ideas about how he will live, makes decisions. There no one affects him.
The victim of the Abuza just has no inner Kremlin, it is absorbed by others, she has nowhere to move, there is nowhere to make a decision, expand tactics, "state policy".
We can experiment with all our territory, study - to let a person in a particular place or not. But the Kremlin never surrender. This is the key to internal security. Of course, in reality there are people who are so trusted to someone who are ready to put him in the Kremlin. There are such close relationships. And if a person believes that it is safe - this is his decision. But this is a risky step. We must remember that if the war begins, you can even put on your territory, but it is impossible to take the Kremlin.
Allesya Lonskaya leaned
