Female infidelity is a rather complex phenomenon. First, with the social ...
They say that those who are too lazy to draw conclusions from strangers learn from their mistakes. But if we were all as smart as we think of ourselves ... Then we would not lose money. And the men would not leave us "with hope, but no chance." And we would have had a completely different life ...
But! It's never too late to stop rake-walking. Stop believing in Santa Claus and lyuboff at first sight.
“Why did he do this to me ?! I go to him with all my heart, and he ... "- then there are details from different stories and a lot of pain. How many times have I deceived and betrayed. I went to see my friends. Trite bred for money or loans. Disappeared after first sex. I went on a life-long business trip to a place where there is no connection and the Internet.
Indeed, how could this happen especially with a woman who in other spheres of life always remembers about herself and her interests.
Let's see ...
You know, scammers and dishonest people have their own signs by which they choose a victim. They do not rush to everyone with their "vile" intentions. They choose "for sure" ... so that the probability of success tends to be 100%.
And what is most annoying, their victims are usually not so much simpletons and suckers. Both the "smart and successful" and the famous - in short, big fish - fall into their nets. And there is a lot of fuss with simpletons, but little "benefit".
What does this have to do with scammers and love failures?
Yes, besides!
The same habits lead us to disastrous results. Only some are "thrown" or "bred" for money, while others are betrayed in love, although they also take money with money.
Do you think you don't have such habits and you just happen to be unlucky?- Let's check ...
Well, to play it safe for the future. Just to make sure you're okay. ( And even breathe a sigh of relief if it's not about you)
DANGEROUS SIGNS by which scammers and love scammers know for sure that you are their potential victim.
- You are used to trusting in love 100%.
How could it be otherwise, because he cannot lie. And in general - you were taught from childhood that people must be trusted. All the more so for those close to you. And you have love and all that ...
The ladies also say - we have a special, trusting relationship ( how long has this relationship existed at all - it doesn't matter) and therefore I trust him as I trust myself.
Believe me, there are such masters that in 10 minutes they will create a feeling of trust and openness in you. Only that they "revealed" you, and they know exactly WHY.
- You believe in fairy tales of love, fateful accidents, love at first sight and so on.
And your soul instantly responds to men's stories"I loved, and she took everything and went to my friend", "I am poor, but honest." And even more so in "I have millions and I am looking for someone to throw them at my feet."
The more you listen to this, with details, details, emotions - the more you want to believe. And after a couple of moments you start to finish the missing details, think out and decorate what you heard ... And get stuck in the noodles on your own ears ...
Because you just believe that ...
- He can’t lie, you think ... And you don’t check anything! Just take our word for it.
You can’t check and don’t really strive, because there is no access to information right now. I don’t want to, because I’m lazy or really want to trust him. You don't know how, because there is no experience, and it is a shame to ask someone for help. And in general - it is simply not convenient to offend a good person.
And this "man" is counting on just such "politeness"! He knows for sure that you will not go to check. Or he took care in advance that it was impossible to check.
- You are as honest and open as a child. And from the first meeting you give out all the information about yourself, as if in spirit.
But how! You have nothing to hide, you have serious intentions - and you confirm them, giving everything away.
« How can you tell this to a random person? » - ask. Yes, how random is he ?! He invited me on a date. He has such wonderful eyes and he listens so attentively. He does not even interrupt, asks questions, takes interest, delves into details.
Yes, even my parents were never interested in me! I'm going to live happily ever after with him and he should know everything, everything, everything about me.
- Your relationship is a secret for everyone and no one knows about it ...
Yes, of course, you want to hide your unexpected happiness from strangers 
eye. Well, so as not to envy. He managed to convince you that the envy of his friends has a detrimental effect on his feelings for you. And in general, he is vulnerable ... and therefore insists on secrecy.
Nobody knows how close you are and what kind of access he / she has to you, your assets and property. And between you and him you agreed that you have everything in common, but for now we are using yours. Or you, out of your soul's generosity, declared - "I have a lot, take as much as you need."
And no formalities, no papers. Why?! Your feelings are higher than that ... And in general, why spoil love with some kind of obligations, receipts, documents and witnesses.
And generally speaking…
- You have lost touch with reality, passion consumed you, turned your head, clouded your mind with love and fabulous prospects.
Your partner has so skillfully immersed you in the picture of the desired future that you seem to already live in it. It is so bright and joyful compared to yours today. So I want not to get out of it.
Your focus is all there. And this boring reality ... well, it, it only distracts from the picture-dream and prevents to soar in the clouds.
I just want to announce to everyone - “Leave me alone with your sober look! I feel good in the clouds! "
Oh sure…
- You know that you can deceive, take advantage and betray ... But NOT you, NOT now, NOT this person.
This can happen to someone terrible and irreparable. Someone can "slap", "relax the rolls" and allow themselves to be used. Someone can be bred like a kitten and left with nothing.
But with waaaami ... Yes, not in life! This cannot happen to you.
Because you are special. And you know for sure that this is NOT-possible with you, ANYONE-YES!
And in general, everyone is just jealous of you!
Or maybe quite the opposite ...
- You are so afraid of losing the object of your adoration that you indulge all his whims, demands and requests.
You are ready to serve him and your love for the rest of your life. 
Fulfill his desires, anticipate expectations. Become air for him so that he breathes you.
No, you do not obey him meekly and wordlessly. ( It is the weak and the dependent who obey, you are not.) You SERVE him and your love. You are contributing to your relationship.
Why is it so - obediently and following his desires? Because it is joyful and easy to obey him. In addition, this is the only way your chosen one perceives your relationship. In case of your disobedience and refusal to serve him, he threatens to leave forever. And for you it is simply unbearable.
Or else it happens like this ...
- I would like to wipe everyone's nose in one fell swoop, so that they already choke with envy. And a new admirer is seen as a way ... As an instrument of retribution or your triumph ...
They didn't believe that you were special, that you deserved the best, that everything would turn out so great for you.
They teased, bragged to you about their superiority. Or maybe they even scoffed, calling him a gray mouse or ugly, or even more offensive. They said that nothing "like that" would shine for you.
I had to endure ... But you knew that a truck with candies would turn over on your street too. And now - you have it. That's how cool you are, incredibly lucky. Now let them envy which Prince they have snatched for themselves.
You are already savoring your triumph "inwardly".
Although ... maybe ahead of time ...
Whichever of these reasons you recognize yourself, remember - they are all decoys of scammers. Those, who are looking for easy prey, love to “powder their brains”, collect broken hearts. And just for the marriage swindlers, gigolos and adventurers-gulen.
These are their favorite traps. Hooks with which they catch their potential victims. And your behavior like that in response to their traps is a signal "the prey is caught!"
And believe me, most often they are not fooled by naive fools-suckers. ( Such victories are not a matter of great pride.)
Most often they hunt smart, successful women in their careers or business. Alas, it is they who often, trusting, pay dearly.
If you recognize yourself, your stories from the past, just be more attentive and listen to your feelings when meeting a man. What motivates you, what motivation does it evoke in you. And where can it lead you.
Then you will immediately begin to notice more men who are honest and open in communicating with you.
Happiness to you! And wisdom!
P.S. Well, if you want not only slovens to close the road to your life ...
... but also help good men appear next to you - then pay attention to the workshop Trust Men Again
You can rest assured - good men there is. Perhaps you are friends now or just chat from time to time with one of them.
Pay attention to your emotions, the feelings that arise next to such men.
Is everything smooth there?
Do not anxieties, fears, resentments, disappointment (in yourself, men, relationships) emerge, maybe even annoyance or anger ...
They are the wall between you and good men.
These men are NOT going to rake "luggage" after your unlucky exes. They do not want to beat themselves in the chest with a slipper and prove that they are not scoundrels. Acting as a dad / therapist or helping to “heal” mental wounds.
They want to build a relationship with a contented woman happy woman. And they have the right to do so!
They also work on themselves to be in better shape (physical, moral, financial). And in the right to expect that the partner will also be able to take responsibility for her emotions and her life.
If you feel that everything inside is shrinking from past grievances, pain, fears, deceptions. And from this, communication with normal men develops into some kind of madhouse ... (you either get lost, or, on the contrary, try to board, or assert yourself at their expense) ... Do not rush to scold yourself for this!
Trying to suppress negative behavior only reinforces that behavior.
You better learn trust men correctly.
So that HE, on the one hand, feels like the main thing in your couple, and you can relax next to him. On the other hand, he I understood that your interests must be remembered and always taken into account.
How to do it softly and like a woman - learn in a workshop Trust Men Again
What you learn there will also help reconsider your relationship with your ex. And some of the grievances, past pain and anger will simply go away on their own.
There will be a special promotion for this workshop until the end of the day on 13 August. More information - follow the link below
© Christian Schloe
They say that every 7 years we experience a life change. Some of us feel it, others ignore it. If you pay close attention to your vibration when you start to feel like things are shifting slightly, or you have this feeling of hustle and bustle, then you know that you are going through a life cycle change. What you do with it is up to you.
Here are a few signs you can recognize.
1. Your vibration increases
Your body will physically warn you that it is ready to change. Imagine little creatures in your blood, muscles and nerves, and every little cell in your body starts to tingle, almost running. They're getting ready for alleyways, swaying paths.
2. Inspiration
You start to feel more anxious thinking about your goals, dreams, ideas. You have this feeling that you are in the right place and you know that you are on the right track. Follow him. Don't ignore this. The time has come.
3. Loss of interest
While you still retain many different interests and hobbies, you begin to find that those that were once enjoyable are no longer enjoyable. These can be friends and acquaintances. Maybe you no longer have your past interests or mentality, and maybe it's time to move on.
4. A new goal or passion arises
What is brewing within you may well become your new goal or passion. When we change, our passions and goals also change. Do something new.
5. Spend time on your own
You may suddenly feel like you want to be alone more often. Alone in your home, in the forest, on the lake, or wherever. You just want to be yourself, with your thoughts, in the deep world or in space. It is intuition speaking to you and reminding you to welcome loneliness and new ideas.
6. Read more
Are you more attracted to books than TV shows? Do you suddenly have a thirst for knowledge? You grow and develop. This is your brain's way of saying, "Please feed me."
7. You are changing
You've noticed a shift. You are not the same person. Your friends feel it and not only notice it in your behavior, but also in your energy. Your vibration is so high that it affects the people around you. This is a good thing.
8. Sensitivity
Are you feeling a little more sensitive lately than you have ever been? This is pretty normal. Your mind, energy, and feelings change and you become more in tune with your surroundings, people, and quite possibly the grief that is happening all over the world. You are more aware of the homelessness and suffering of those around you, and you are wondering how you can help.
Pay attention to this. Your change can happen right now.
A source
Very often you do not understand what is good relationship without having been to the terrible ones before. Love is a strange thing: you think you understand perfectly what it is until you feel it for yourself. Love always changes you, it makes you better. When you are in a happy relationship with someone you truly love and who loves you with all their heart, the following happens:
1. Everything develops without stress
In the right relationship, everything will always be easy. It will be very easy for you to interact with your partner. Moreover, when you are in such a relationship, it is quite natural to love. You can't even imagine choosing someone else to replace your partner. You feel yourself in an endless stream of tenderness.
2. After an argument, you feel that you have become much closer.
Every couple fights, and probably more than you think. The question is, will you end these fights and move away from each other, or try to resolve the situation and be better friend for friend. A happy relationship means exactly the latter.
3. You become more confident in all your actions.
You don't just admire each other and have endless passion. With the right relationship, every aspect of your life is improved. You become more confident, because there is someone nearby who will always support you.
4. Comfort comes first, not passion
Of course, a happy relationship requires both. But you can experience passion with just about anyone. Comfort is another matter. This is a feeling of happiness, the ability to enjoy each other every day. This feeling is priceless, and it makes your coexistence truly happy.
5. Childhood wounds are healed
In the right relationship, you feel a sense of security. This often results in your "inner child" coming back. Sometimes it looks like a couple of people are becoming too attached to each other, like children. But there are times when people project their deep childhood traumas onto their partner. No matter what happens, you start working with your deepest problems. As a result, you fix and change your relationship with your parents. It also makes you feel less scared or insecure.
6. You start to think about the power of time.
When we are young, we rarely think about what will happen next, how and when this or that event will happen. But when we have a happy relationship, we know for sure that we are on the right path all the time. And that everything that happened to you before did not happen in vain.
7. You are rediscovering joy.
Many people think that finding love is tantamount to rediscovering your romantic self. However, the right relationship will make you truly find and feel your inner being. This is one of the most astounding differences between the right relationship, which is happy, and the wrong or toxic one.
8. You feel completely different.
A happy relationship will make you feel like a change is happening to you. better side... Loving is not just about having someone with whom you can share eternity. This person becomes your driving and motivating force.
Journalist Alesya Lonskaya continues her conversation with psychotherapist Olesya Polyakova about codependency, abuse and personal boundaries.
"The codependent will gladly give you his life, but in exchange for yours."
Psychologist Olesya Polyakova
Olesya, how would you define what codependency is?
A striking sign of codependency is the lack of space for the free independent development of a person. A codependent person cannot do without the other: he cannot make decisions himself, he cannot feel, he cannot live, he definitely needs another by his side. These people are addicted both emotionally and often and financially. They cannot be responsible for themselves, remain with themselves, they have little of their own life. They have either the other, and they live the life of the other, merge with the other, or there is “we” and they live by this collective “we”. But they do not have a separate "I". And if they take away everything that is connected with another person, they will feel physically ill, they begin to poorly orient themselves in their life. "I can neither breathe calmly, nor think, nor eat without another" - this is the phrase of a codependent person. A serious condition, almost like a withdrawal from a drug addict.
Based on your definition, codependency occurs not only between partners in marriage, but also between parents and grown-up children. Is it so?
Of course. Most often, it is in the child-parent relationship that its roots lie. Generally speaking, codependency can occur between grandchildren and grandparents, and between friends, and between colleagues, and between a boss and a subordinate. If you are, in principle, codependent, then you establish such forms of relationship with many people. You can even establish a codependent relationship with a hairdresser: you have long ceased to like how he cuts, but you cannot leave him or move to his colleague in the next chair so as not to offend him.
Apparently, if you are afraid to refuse even a hairdresser, you clearly do not deeply love yourself.
Low self-esteem, lack of self-love is one of the characteristic features of a codependent personality.
What he lacks in himself, he takes from other people, almost like a vampire?
He's a vampire, that's for sure. But the giving vampire. The codependent will gladly give you their whole life, but in exchange for yours.
Is this always a negative scenario to avoid?
Not always. For me, the indicator is how people feel in these relationships. I saw many couples of codependents, where they cannot live without each other, have grown together in soul and feel great. They do not torture each other, although they have shifted the responsibility for themselves onto another. They do not have each separately, they only have "we", but they are fine in this.
The fact is that codependency and love are things of a different order. The first is how relationships are arranged, and the second is what they are filled with. There is codependency, where there is love, and there is codependency, where there is none. But this is always a risky relationship scenario, because the partner may want to separate, he may die in the end. It is very hard going through.
« The victim of abuse prefers to notice only the bright sides of the relationship »
Let's talk about abuse. We will not take cases of obvious violence when everyone understands that they need to run away from their partner. How to understand that you are living in a situation of psychological, emotional abuse? There are, alas, a lot of stories when a woman lives in a state of suppression for years, and only after many years she realizes that she no longer remains as a person, and she no longer has the strength to leave the relationship. Although physically she might not be offended, she turns into a shadow.
Abuse is emotional suppression (you are not there, I am with my position), physical (I will make you do something), sexual use. Most often victims are abused. And the victims are not inclined to act. A person who is in a situation of domestic suppression and control (and the abuser is a terrible controller and owner who constantly uses manipulations), like any victim, has no idea that it could be otherwise. He considers this to be the norm: "everyone lives like this," "everyone tolerates something."
Patience is a definite signal. One has to ask the question: why am I putting up with it? Do I have to endure? People who have fallen into a situation of abuse do not feel themselves, because they do not know how - once upon a time they were forbidden to do this. And if suddenly they come to the surface of their feelings and think: "God, what is happening in my family, with my children ?!" - then they are immediately covered with an avalanche of shame and guilt for allowing this to happen. And they dive back. Here is the answer to the question of why this has been happening for years. “Yes, my family is bad, but I myself am to blame, it’s a shame, you don’t need to ask for help with this, it must be hidden behind our walls” - this is the typical state of the victim.
If a person catches himself feeling guilty, shame, feeling that he endures something all the time, is in constant tension - these are alarming symptoms. There are many social centers where women can be helped. But victims of abuse, alas, often return home on their own. They briefly have the strength to react in a healthy way, and then everything returns to normal. Because only in those conditions they got used to and know how to live. And most often they have to not be in the existing relationship, not feel and deceive themselves that everything is not so bad.
Often a partner has two masks: he is also very good. And it stops the victim.
Let's figure out what "happens to be good" means. What is it basically? I, in principle, with him - how? Not like me in the morning, but like in the evening, but in general I am with him - how?
Abusers have an interesting pattern of behavior. They accumulate emotions, pour out their aggression on a partner, then go into a lull. In a lull, they can show support, care, ask about something in the life of the victim, give money. Then the nuts of control and suppression are tightened again - and again in a circle. The victim prefers to notice the bright sides of the relationship and not notice those for which she blames herself. She does not believe in help, does not believe in the world, does not believe in herself. Plus, she is often addicted - both emotionally and financially. And a talented abuser uses such forms of insults, threats, harsh manipulations that can be difficult to resist even healthy person, and for one who has lost stability, it is sometimes impossible.
There is such a phenomenon “gaslighting” - a form of manipulation when the abuser claims “you invented everything”, “nothing like that happened”, “you’re crazy”. And a woman sooner or later begins to feel crazy, because she is used to trusting the abuser.
Yes, gaslighters say: “You’re crazy”, “You’re sick”, “You made this up”, “You have memory problems”, “You have mental problems”, “You don’t understand anything, you don’t know”, and therefore , “You need to be treated, study, change, and on this moment do not resist, do as I say. " And the victim already begins to doubt his adequacy.
Gaslighters put pressure on sore spots, look for some allies (friends, relatives), show the situation in a light that suits them, and thereby throw a person out of balance. They starve out.
The victim of an abuser is a person in principle doubting, emotionally unstable, it is easy to "shake" him. Do you know how it comes to consultations? Sometimes I have to pick up the phone and say: "Let me read what came to me in WhatsApp at three in the morning, and you will guess the author." And when a person begins to listen to his own message, for him it is like a tub cold water... He says: “Stop reading this, this is not my life, you are telling some kind of horror. If this happened to my friend, my sister, I would say: "Run, save yourself." Is this really happening to me? " A person is inclined to switch off from a highly intolerable situation.
And when we come to the consultation at important decisions, and then the woman goes home, where she is "processed", the next time I hear from her: "I am generally insane since childhood, I have always had difficulties with this." We psychologists see this on a regular basis. In this interview, I would like to not only describe the characteristics of an abusive relationship, but also show that you can get help. The victims don't believe it.
The worst thing is that they believe the abuser.
This is the most close person, which is nearby. The victim's parent was the same, and for her it is familiar and understandable. And the biggest problem is to believe that relationships can be different, people can be different. And believe yourself that you can get through it all.
Is it possible to rebuild a relationship with an abuser without divorce?
Yes. I believe in this as well as in the fact that codependents can be happy and not need therapy, and I regularly argue about this with colleagues. My opinion about the abuse is exactly the same. In abuse, one must learn to defend oneself. Get out of manipulation, do not allow yourself to offend, force yourself to respect, reckon with your opinion. When a person ceases to be a victim, they stop treating him that way - this is a common story. After all, the abuser does not behave like this with other people, at work, with neighbors, in transport. Because he can “fly in”, because he is clearly aware of what is allowed and what is not. And if suddenly his partner begins to stand up for his own interests, defend himself and to be regardless of what the other person does with him, the situation can begin to change dramatically. Although it may not, of course. We will not change the abuser.
In addition, there can be feelings in such relationships too. They are not only about violence and suppression. People can be dear to each other. I have seen people who, in therapy, built their boundaries, became able to defend their position in the family, and at the same time had warm feelings for their partner prone to pressure. Because if we are talking about unconditional love - what prevents from loving a person whose scoop is broken in the well?
It's hard for me to imagine it. If your partner all the time scoops your well to the bottom with a huge scoop, you will die.
What is a huge scoop? This is the image that we let the abuser inside us and allow us to do whatever we want there. And what do we have borders for? Two people must remain whole and interact at the necessary distances of proximity. Why let another in at all? You can be in this if you like it, if it is safe, if it is mutual filling. And if one scoops out the other, then there is no need to let him in there, for this there are borders, you need to interact with this person on neutral territory, not to merge with him. And that can be good too. With the abuser, you can build such a version of the relationship so as not to suffer. Can't touch the abuser? Maybe.
The first thing we do is stop physical abuse and sexual exploitation. We need to figure out in what cases this happens. What the couple resolves by physical impact, how it can be done differently. Of course, it is necessary to defend oneself, but one must start defending oneself even before the stage of fists. There you have to not get involved in manipulation.
We find out what brought a person into a situation of abuse, at what stage he needed to get out of this interaction, how not to give himself up. The victim has never been able to do this, but it can be taught to do so. We study all forms of manipulation that a person falls into. I tell him what, how, for what purpose the manipulator does in relation to him. A person understands how he gets stuck in this, and next time he tries not to fall into the trap.
It is the same with sexual exploitation: you need to return or form a person's right to his body. So that he does not give this right to another, so that he understands that only he has the right to his body, is responsible for his feelings, for his safety, for his boundaries. No one else is responsible!
Some abusers also come into therapy with their victims or individually, they too are willing to listen and change. Nobody talks about this, we all know only about horror stories. But the abuser is himself the victim of the abuse. It happens that he spontaneously manifests emotional violence in response to the victim's persuasive behavior.
This is already victimblaming. Readers will tell you that you blame the victim.
We do not judge or blame the victim. A vulnerable position is her (or his, if it is a man) trouble, this is a cry for help. If you just judge the abuser and justify the victim, nothing will change in the victim's life. If you just leave the relationship without changing yourself, the victim will find the same abuser, because he unconsciously provokes such an attitude towards himself. On the one hand, she was offended earlier and thus reinforced in the consciousness that this can be done with her. She comes to terms with it. On the other hand, it is hard for the victim to live with it, she always demonstrates her vulnerable state in the hope that she will be pitied and the violence will not happen again. Her psyche is so eager to heal, this is such a passive way to help herself.
The sign on the forehead "I am vulnerable" is a cry for help, for salvation. Obviously, this cry is not being shown in the audience where it can be heard, since it is important that it is the abuser who stops offending. This is one of the reasons why they do not leave the abuser. They are waiting for the healing of their trauma where it cannot happen. And the victim has to be aware of his provocative position in therapy. It is very important to provoke her protest: “I don’t want this anymore, I won’t allow this anymore, only I can stop it”. She needs to understand that she needs to wait for protection not from someone else, but first of all from herself.
One friend of mine tried to tell the abuser about how she felt, to protest, to defend herself. This made her partner even more angry. She had the feeling that the more she moves, the more the cat has fun with a mouse in its paws. And when she did not move, it was easier, because now he is afraid of losing, losing his power. How so?
It is clear from your words that in this example the victim continued to fear the abuser. She showed her vulnerability. Apparently, she still does not have enough resources to cope.
And what does it mean "did she move?" Often, the victim begins to fight the aggressor, attacking him, which causes an even greater wave of aggression. It is important to protect yourself, but not to fight the abuser. For the sake of your safety, you need to get out of the interaction in time: do not talk, do not answer, leave the room.
How long does it take for the victim to develop a different behavior?
Two meetings are enough for someone: the person understands what is happening, where it came from, he turns on a protest - "enough, I don't want to be in this anymore." After all, sometimes people do not even come to therapy: they read a book or an article, watched a movie, realized something, or friends supported them - and they began to solve the problem. They don't really need a psychologist either. And for someone it is very difficult: a person is so dependent, it is difficult for him to get together, he cannot be separate, he is afraid to move and make decisions. He will fall into a state of sacrifice as it is safer for himself. After all, for him, the abuser is the most understandable person, he did not know another.
Abuse victim has no "inner Kremlin"
What do personal boundaries look like in the norm?
A person who understands his boundaries needs to strive for the ability to understand his own state and understand the state of another. Because the border protects a person, and a person - these are feelings, states, desires, needs. If there is no understanding of yourself, understanding of what you feel and want, there is nothing to protect. Often people read something on the forums and flounder around the struggle for their borders, but they do little. Because this is not the starting point. First of all, you need to understand what we are protecting, and only then - how to do it. And this is the ability to feel oneself. Where am I, and where I am already different, both on my own territory and on the territory of another.
There are several types of borders. There is a border around us - as around a state, and there is a border that we establish with the world. There is a border, beyond which we let the family, and there is a border, beyond which we let friends, and so on.
Where can family members be allowed, and where not?
Everyone decides for himself. Someone does not let parents into their personal boundaries, but they let friends. It's okay for teenagers. Some adults let their parents in, but don't let their partner in. For them, this is normal, although, in my opinion, this is a non-constructive option. Or: children are allowed in, but partners are not allowed. Or friends are allowed in, but a husband or wife is not allowed.
What does the healthiest option look like?
For the child, the parents are first in the inner circle. Then other relatives appear, then friends. The child grows up, and normally the parents move further and further away from his boundaries. He separates from them. If an adult has parents in the first circle, the topic of separation arises and the question is whether he knows how to build other forms of relationship.
And vice versa: if we look at the pair “adult and Small child", Then at first a small child is close, and then, as he grows up, we prepare to let him go. And if an adult has not a partner in the inner circle, but grown-up children, this is again a story about codependency, unwillingness to let go, or about a lack of intimacy with a partner.
In an adult, we expect to see that in the first circle he has a partner, then friends or siblings, then children, then parents. But a person arranges close circles as he was "lucky in life", based on his inner state. And to someone a friend or brother / sister is much closer to a spouse. And this is a more acceptable option than if there were parents or children.
How do we work on this in therapy? A person in his soul conditionally identifies several zones. This is my area of communication with parents. But this one is with her husband. But this one is with children. We ask ourselves questions: where can my husband “walk” in my soul? Does he enter other territories? Why am I letting him in? Where can colleagues go and where can they not? For parents, what territory can you enter and what territory can you not? And the children? And friends? We analyze in detail with a person his relationship with others, so that he develops an understanding.
In a person without borders, everything is mixed up inside, people and connections with them are confused, it is not clear who and what function is performing for him, he lets others into all the nooks and crannies of his soul - including those people who injure him. Naturally, he becomes ill, and he either ceases to admit anyone to himself, or suffers. And in the norm there should be a differentiation of zones with borders, with pronounced rules for visiting a particular territory, as in a state. A person establishes the rules of what can and cannot be done on his territory, who can enter and according to what rules. Here we go to the park, and at the entrance there are rules for visiting: no smoking, no littering, no photographs allowed. A person also learns to build healthy boundaries: you can do this with me, but this I do not accept, it hurts me, this will lead my protected area to desolation. I tried, let the person go, but he did not justify the trust - that means, do not let him in again. Next time take a closer look at the person, whether he can behave culturally in your “park”.
And there is a completely closed zone - the inner Kremlin, into which no one is allowed. This is the guarantee of a person's mental health. Not everyone has this Kremlin. Those who do not have one have a tremendous fear of establishing close relationships. We work with this fear: we establish zones, rules, boundaries, teach to understand ourselves, build a secluded inner Kremlin, where no one should meddle. There, a person finds himself, writes his own laws and norms, forms ideas about how he will live, makes decisions. Nobody influences him there.
The victim of abuse just does not have an internal Kremlin, she is absorbed by another, she has nowhere to go, nowhere to make a decision, to deploy tactics, "state policy".
We can experiment with our entire territory, study - let a person go to this or that place or not. But the Kremlin never surrenders. This is the guarantee of internal security. Of course, in reality there are people who trust someone so much that they are ready to let him into the Kremlin. There are such close relationships. And if a person believes that it is safe, this is his decision. But this is a risky step. We must remember that if a war breaks out, you can even let us into your territory, but you cannot surrender the Kremlin.
Interviewed by Alesya Lonskaya
