Explosion is a fast physical or physicochemical process taking place ...
Tanya Meyer's book published by Individuum “Hat, grandmother, kefir. How children are raised in Russia "... Tanya for a long time worked in Russia, fell in love with a Russian colleague here and became a mother for the first time. Alas, she did not succeed in becoming a Russian wife: the child's father decided not to continue the relationship and disappeared from Tanya's life. After a while, Tanya met a new love - a divorced Austrian, married him and gave birth to two more children. Today their family lives happily between London and Vienna, but Tanya has not forgotten her “Russian period” and has written a book about what it means to be a mother in Russia. In the book, she sometimes rather strongly criticizes Western approaches to education and praises Russian ones, in connection with which there is a feeling of some kind of catch: well, no, this is not about us, are we really that tough? In general, we are used to doubting ourselves, and in the book there is something to argue with, in any case, looking at ourselves from the outside is very curious. The editor-in-chief of the Domashny Ochag magazine, Natalya Rodikova (mother of three children), met with Tanya to ask a few questions.
First, why Tanya? It sounds like that in Russian.
Fair? I do not know! My dad is from Yugoslavia, maybe there is such a name? He emigrated to Canada before I was born, met my mother there, and when I was born, they named me Tanya. We emigrated to America when I was little, I grew up in Arizona,
Did your parents read the book?
No. I didn't even really want that. There is a lot of personal, and not everything will please my mom.
You lived and raised your children in different countriesobserved different parenting approaches. How do moms and dads in Russia differ from American or European ones?
What seemed interesting to me in Russia: if you are now 35 years old and you have small children, you raise them in completely different conditions than your mothers raised you. Russian mothers love to try everything new, read everything, study, search for information - they cannot just copy the previous generation, because the situation is completely different. In the same America or Austria, where my husband is from, not much has changed in 30 years. Well, maybe except that more women are now working in America. When I was growing up, half of the mothers were at home.
And now, due to the financial situation, all women in America work and after giving birth go to work quite early, like my sister, when the child is about 3-4 months old. Babysitting is a very expensive pleasure in the States, so most of them send their young children straight to a private nursery. Of course, in horror I tried to explain to my sister that maybe you would still think about a nanny, so that the child was at home, so that there was one familiar person next to him ... But since this is not accepted in her social circle, she did the way everyone does. It's not like that in Russia.
Is Russia a parenting path?
Yes, in many ways. For example, in relationships with grandparents. In Russia, it is considered absolutely normal that a grandmother helps a lot, participates in life with children. And she does not consider herself to be a victim, for her this is normal. And in the West they live for themselves. Maybe they are more independent financially, there is such a moment, of course. They are also older than the Russians, because they themselves gave birth late and their daughters gave birth late. Plus other relationships, because in America we often leave after school to study in another state, and this is absolutely normal, but it turns out that we all live in different cities. And grandmothers can come there, once a year, to see their grandchildren. But to help - no.These are your children, your problem. I myself saw my grandparents very rarely. And now my mother, for example, travels from Africa to Australia on a cruise ship, she has her own life, she has a good time.
This is probably the flip side of the fact that people in America can maintain their social life longer. In Russia, when women retire, they age very quickly morally, because they cannot find an application for themselves, they do not understand what to do now, and if they do, then there is no money for it. What remains is to help with the grandchildren.
Yes, and the conditions in Russia were such that it was impossible without the help of grandmothers. And there was no separate home, and your college marriages ...
Are we still getting married and giving birth earlier than in the West?
Yes, the average age of women who become a mother for the first time is much lower here than in the West. In London, it's generally horrible, I think, when you first become a mother at 40.
Why is that bad?
Well, I'm 40 now - and I'm much more nervous than at 29 when my first son was born. Thank God that I was young and did not worry as much at every step as, for example, I am now. I'm getting more tired now. When you are 29, it means that you have more strength, and you still remember well how to be a child. My youngest is 6, and I can hear myself from the outside and understand that I am not trying to put myself in her place, I no longer remember what it is like to be in first grade. It also means that your parents are not that old either, that they can also participate and help.
One of the things that struck me in the book was an observation about attitudes towards pregnant women. You write that in Russia a pregnant woman is treated more carefully. We used to think that this is not at all the case.
But it is so! For example, in London, mothers are given baby on board stickers, because if you simply enter the subway without them, no one will give up their seat. Even when they see that you have a huge belly, they still won't get up. And you stick and wear this sticker every day on your coat to show that you need to get up. In Russia, if you have a stomach, everyone starts to take care of you. The neighbors see that you are coming with the bags from the car, they say “let me help you,” especially the men.
But there is another side of this attention: for example, in the hospital you are being watched more, more often they are asked to be tested. In the West, it is believed that if the general health is normal, then everything is fine with the child, you may not be particularly observed.
In Russia I had good doctorbut she made me donate blood and urine all the time, fifty thousand tests! And in America we do it, maybe once during the whole pregnancy.I have a negative Rh, maybe that's why she was worried? But in principle, this is a very simple thing: you give an injection in the seventh month and an injection after the birth of a child - and there are no problems. When I was about to fly to America for Christmas, my doctor looked at me and said: "Well, don't look too full there." In England, for example, with my third pregnancy, I was never even asked to stand on the scale during my entire pregnancy. And here - every time a check.
And if you are in Russia with a belly, absolutely everyone gives you advice, even strangers. And when you are already walking with a small child, it does not stop.
I left Russia for the States to give birth to my first son, and we returned when he was two months old. It was May, and the nanny said: let me take him to the dacha for the whole summer, and you will come to us for the weekend. It was a shock for me: how can you even suggest such a thing? The child should be with mom! In general, as an American person, I was immediately offended and said: no, in no case. And the next day I go for a walk and meet my former colleague, a Russian. He congratulates me, and then starts just yelling: “Why is the child in the city in the summer? Aren `t you ashamed? The child should be at the dacha! " I was simply dumbfounded.
In Austria, for example, we have such a culture that you cannot say anything, you cannot interfere. There are huge boundaries, and no one gives advice to anyone, even when you see a person doing something really bad. We had -11 weeks two ago, and one mother stops the car near the pharmacy, enters it with the child - and I see that the child is absolutely not dressed, he is just in pajamas, no jacket, no hat! What do you say? You can't say anything, it is completely unacceptable. She will send you somewhere else, and other people will support her, why did you get into your personal file.
By the way, what impressed you with our hats so much that you even included them in the title of the book?
I was surprised by the fact that a Russian child wears them all year round, they are just different: that is, you take off your winter hat, put on a spring hat, then in summer you must be in a thin hat, and on the beach in a panama hat. When we arrived with my son, he was two years old, in London, to my husband, and it was a warm day like that, the son stood at the door and pointed at his head (he still spoke poorly then), did not want to go out without a hat. And we had to go to the store and buy him a cap because he’s so used to having something on his head before leaving the house.But it just kills me in London, when I meet familiar mothers, Englishwomen, themselves in a coat and a hat, and the child is almost naked, in some kind of blouse, which is still left from her childhood. And this is absolutely normal for english child!
But they say that Russian mothers are overly wrapping their children. But the British children will grow up more tempered.
I don’t know… They themselves wear a coat!
Russian moms want to be an authority
What about Russian dads? Were there any observations?
I wanted to write a book about Russian mothers. But those mothers with whom I spoke, I asked to describe the role of fathers in families. There were many words, but one thing surprised me - "the earner". We don't have this in english language... Russian mothers have an understanding that children and home are like their history, and “his affairs” are his affairs. And if she needs help, she will tell. And so the woman takes responsibility for this all somehow steer. Even if she doesn't do everything herself, she organizes it. I realized that Russian mothers want to be an authority in the family.
Is it wrong in the West?
In London, for example, I very often hear wives say: we are the same, we are equal. And they tell the father: now you go swimming with your child, and now go to the site. That is, they start giving assignments like this, and it turns out that these unfortunate fathers, they also worked full week, they are also tired, they have no time for themselves, because they are either at work, or his wife tells him that they need to be with the children. And those who do not know how to say no, what should they do? It seems to me that this creates a certain not very good moment in marriages.
But I noticed this is a good thing. Ten years ago, when I was in Europe and came back, it was striking that we did not have dads with children on the street ...
Yes, it was not, I remember, it was not at all!
Not with strollers, not by the handle, only mothers and grandmothers. Look, in Spain, children are in sling with their dads, or a man walks alone, with him two or three children, mom is somewhere with her friends, or maybe she washes at this time. But dad goes with these children with an absolutely normal, not suffering face. And now in large Russian cities there are also a lot of dads with children, and it is pleasant to look at them, at these young fathers. They feel that they are in their place next to their children, and they enjoy parenting ...
Yes Yes Yes! Everyone now began to see a lot of dads walking with their children. Now in Russia there are even dads who stay at home with their children, because my wife has a cool job. There is such a schedule and such a rhythm in Moscow that it seems to me that if one person has a good job, then this is enough for the family and the other can do the housework.
Do you often meet dads in London who sit with children?
I do, but I feel uncomfortable when I see that, for example, dad came to the ballet with a four-year-old girl. I saw many cases when mothers work, and dad does not cope with the task at all, that is, the children are not dressed, hungry, crying, and behaving badly. It seems to me that when they are very small, it is still not quite a man's job. Not for every day. But that's just my personal opinion. Many men just don't have the patience.
About kefir and buckwheat on the beach
When you are going abroad with a child, at any parent forum you find questions - what to do, what to feed the child with, there is no kefir, there is no cottage cheese, that's all. The child will starve to death.
Yes, and all this is fiddling with itself. I remember we were at my friend's house, she has a house in the south of France, we are in Nice with children on the so-called "Russian" beach, and we listen to the company of women nearby. They are in fashionable swimsuits, beautiful, elegant, wonderful weather, the sun is shining, the sea, and they are discussing where to buy buckwheat! It just killed me! Heat, 30 degrees, and they are about this buckwheat.
But did you feed the children with buckwheat and kefir?
I learned this here because I didn't know what to do at all, first child, I have no experience. And the Russian nannies explained to me that we needed porridge, soup, and we had all this full program... My son ate 4 times a day, and the last time, before going to bed, he ate porridge again. I don't even know why. And then I came to London - and I understand that all the other children of this age already have a normal dinner. And he has porridge. I then rebuilt, but I can still make such a large bowl of porridge every morning before school.
Which one?
I add oatmeal and fruit. I often make soups, and when I have time I make pancakes, pancakes, pies. That is, I learned to do some things here, and the soup, for example, simply saved me, because the third child, my daughter, was born with a very strong allergy to everything dairy. She was so thin, and it was hard to get her to eat something. I was the only mom in London who stood at the stove and cooked soups, because no one does it, they don't eat it.They already start giving regular food at 8-10 months. And they constantly offer children these snacks, all sorts of snacks, and they ask me: does your child want to? And I'm like, no, we're like lunch in an hour, thanks.
And in America?
In America, food is generally bad, a lot of unhealthy things. Only wealthy people eat well in the States. They can afford "natural" food, go to an expensive supermarket, where everything is bio, organic. And if you go, for example, to a supermarket where my sister buys groceries, it's huge, but you can't buy anything healthy at all, just around the circle - fruits, vegetables, meat, milk, and everything else is complete rubbish.
And what do they feed the children with?
Everything your parents eat. Well, that is, baby food is eaten at the beginning, when they cannot chew anything. And when my sister's child was about 8 months old, she already made him french toast - this is when you take white bread, inside an egg, and fry like this, and also cheese ... Once I called her in the morning, she was taking the child to the kindergarten, and by some remark from her, I realized that the child hadn’t had breakfast yet, that he would eat for the first time in the garden.This cannot be compared with the approach here in Russia. When my son was little, and I worked, the nanny came to me every morning at 8 in the morning, and now the child is still asleep, and she is already preparing breakfast for him. And at the same time, my child is at home, they will not take him anywhere now, a familiar person will be with him ...
Not everyone can afford a nanny here either, and you still have to drag the unfortunate child to the garden ... Tell me, you praise Russian mothers so much in the book, you can argue with a lot, but in short: where are we really the coolest?
Oh ... (laughs) Very good question. You know, it seems to me that I have not met other such mothers in the world who, since the beginning of pregnancy, think a lot, analyze how and what they do and why. That is, on the one hand, you have a very scientific approach. On the other hand, you have so much love.And this is very natural, Russian, or rather Russian, mothers are very emotional, they talk about love for children, they themselves do not forget to say "I love you" to the children ...
You speak?
Well, I forget, I try to remind myself.
You know, I was sure that in Russia we learned to say “I love you” to children, in general to family members, from you, from the Americans. We often saw this in films, and at first it was very unusual that everyone there said this to each other ...
Well, nobody in my house said that! And my husband, an Austrian, says the same thing: he didn't have it either. And now I am on Instagram, on Facebook, I see how Russian mothers post pictures with children and write: "my love", "my sun", "honey", that's all. We don't have that, really. This is heard from the outside: when Russian people talk to a child, a completely different language begins, even they use other words. What are they called ... These are the "sushu".We also caress the children, but not so much, and then it ends abruptly when school starts. Six years old, first grade, that's it.
mom said "must"
By the way, do you do your homework with the kids?
I try not to do it, I just tell them what to do.
Do you know, yes, this problem in Russia? Homework with your parents until nightfall?
Yes, and I read that the psychologist Labkovsky wrote on this topic, it's amazing! He says: why are you all doing homework with the children? Another interesting point: in Russia all mothers teach their children to read at home, even before school, and then the children go to the first grade - and they already know everything, they are not interested. In the West, it is not believed that parents should do this themselves.
Maybe this lack of obsession with early reading does not turn European children away from books? Recently in Oxford I saw something that surprised me greatly: in the bookstores, the children are alone, without their mothers. It is impossible to imagine it here, our children do not go to bookstores themselves. They can go to the supermarket, buy themselves a chocolate bar, chips. But I have never seen children alone in bookstores in Russia. And there - the children are lying, sitting on the floor, in backpacks, in bicycle helmets ... That is, it is clear that he was driving from school and drove along the road. There were about twenty of them in the store, without parents. And they each stuck into their own book and did not notice anything around. How did they do it?
Yes, and in London it is absolutely normal - to leave a child alone in the children's department, you go, watch something adult, while he looks at his books, and then you go to the cashier together ... I don’t know, after all, Oxford and central London - it is considered safe, but in Moscow, children, perhaps, simply cannot be left with one of these considerations? By the way, in Vienna all children go to school alone. Here is my son, 10 years old, he travels through the whole city by public transport, alone. And in Moscow they tell me that many are afraid to let their children go so far.
Still, I think the point is that English children are less tortured with early reading ...
I do not know! (laughs)
They don't buy cubes with letters when the child is only a year old ...
No, they do, both in London and in New York. It doesn't depend on nationality, it depends on whether you live in a capital or another big city, where everyone is obsessed with education and where everyone wants their children to be just champions. Here are stories about Asia - it's just horror. For example, Koreans - there are many of them in the West, because Korean firms - Samsung, LG - send their employees here to work, and their children can study at an international school in English, say, up to three hours. And then they have another school, Korean, evening. They have no childhood at all! So I was sitting in an international school in Vienna, and there one Korean mother in all seriousness explained to us what to take additional teacher in English, because here the level of English is not high enough. That is, the teachers are all native speakers, but for her this is not enough. This is terribly frightening. Have you read Tigress Mother's Battle Cry? (Chinese American book Amy Chua o chinese method parenting, pretty tough - approx. ed.)
Yes, among our parents, it had the effect of an exploding bomb.
She was such a bomb in America, too, and caused a lot of negative emotions, because Americans like everything to be fun, fun, easy, with pleasure. For a child to study well, this is not so important for most American families. In general, no one cares what your grades are. More important is sports, the well-being of the child, relationships.
And so I am talking about this book at the presentation of my book in London, where there were many Russian mothers. And I say: "Can you imagine, this Chinese woman made her children play the piano every day, and even when they were on vacation, she was looking for hotels with a piano ..." Here one girl, a Russian psychiatrist, is looking at me. London, and says: "Well, yes, it is the same with us, every day at the dacha with my grandmother we study, but what is it, of course, there should be music every day, but how can it be different?" And I was like this to myself: oh, my dear mother ... That is, I did not expect that Russians are also fixated on this, on education, on grades.
It is enough to look into the plane in the summer, in which people from Russia fly on vacation with children: many have textbooks with them, so that during the holidays the children decide, write ...
I know, I saw such Russian families on the beach with textbooks, yes. We give assignments for the holidays, but nevertheless this is something not entirely obligatory, and the teacher will definitely not check, and the children know this. Once at the end of the school year, I stood with my mother from Austria and my mother from Russia, and the Austrian woman said: “How do you force your children to do these tasks, what they give us, my daughter knows that they will not be tested and refuses to do ". And my Russian mother, Lyudmila, my friend, answers: "But I don't understand, what is the question?" Austrian: "Well, how do you force?" “I say: we have to do it. And that's all, period. " These are the Russian mothers! (laughs)
Not every book in our category is outstanding. We try to cover the simple and accessible works of modern sculptors, as well as Pulitzer Prize-winning literature.
Today is an entertaining book for #households from the American author Tanya Mayer. Tanya spent many years in Russia, working in the Moscow office of an American bank. From the age of 18, Tanya studied Russian and received a prestigious education at Harvard. But she dedicated the book not to business processes, but to motherhood.
Motherhood is one of the most burning topics for a Russian woman, and Tanya managed to tell about it through the eyes of a foreigner. Sometimes it's interesting to see yourself from the outside, isn't it? Indeed, sometimes we do not evaluate our habits and actions and take it for granted. After all, what is completely natural for a Russian person is completely alien and unusual for a foreigner. This, oddly enough, extends to motherhood and our manic love, caring for children. Tanya describes in great detail what we do “differently”.
Why hat, why grandmother, why kefir ?? Well, the Russian mother / woman has this comical love for hats in children for any season, including summer. Many Russian children have grandmothers who raise them instead of mothers. And yes, there is kefir ... a remedy for many digestive ailments, for which almost all residents of Russia pray. Kefir in the west is a rarity. And one thing is still not clear: how did the Americans not die of general constipation?
And yes, there are phenomena in Russia that cause bewilderment among foreigners ... It's funny, but there is simply no such thing as a "draft" in many Western cultures. Have you ever wondered where the draft came from? That's right, from the villages. Have you ever thought about the fact that there have never been villages in America? So they don't have a draft.
Likewise, they do not have such a thing as a massage for a baby, which sometimes we also do not understand. How can a baby develop properly without massage?
Below are quotes from this wonderful book:
“Russian women can spend hours telling scary stories about pregnancy and childbirth in the USSR. They are passed from one generation to the next, and, probably, this makes modern mothers to be more collected. "
“Even before they start going to kindergarten, kids socialize in sandboxes. If your child is too playful and, say, starts throwing sand, biting and pushing, then all those present will certainly look at you reproachfully and the army of grandmothers will make a comment about your child's manners. "
"In Russia, dad is such a bonus: it's great when he is and is actively involved in the life of the family, but there will be no tragedy when mom is raising a child alone."
About fears
The most vivid memories of pregnancy in Moscow are care and unsolicited advice. Everyone was constantly worried about how I felt; the saleswomen behaved unexpectedly friendly (well, more friendly than usual), especially when they noticed that I did not have a wedding ring; everyone considered it necessary to say something. A pregnant woman will not be allowed to carry anything, men will open doors for her, they will give way in transport, etc., etc. Pregnant women in Russia are treated with care and respect.
In Russia, there is an expression “pregnancy is not a disease,” and women are encouraged to enjoy this process, but in practice everything is a little different, if only because Russian doctors require an endless number of urine and blood tests during pregnancy.
In parallel with this reasonable and modern approach, there is a huge amount of superstition around pregnancy - apparently, the heritage of village culture. My friend Sonya, a very modern and educated woman, professor at Moscow State University, has never cut her hair during her two pregnancies, because this is a bad omen. Oksana, a woman in her thirties, pregnant with her second child, remembered how the housekeeper raised her: when she saw her standing on tiptoe and pulling her hand for a glass on the top shelf, she was terribly alarmed and shouted "Don't!" because supposedly such a movement can provoke premature birth.
Mom and newborn
In Russia there is a sign (possibly coming from a Christian custom) according to which a child is not shown to anyone until a month old. Superstition or not, but Russian mothers believe that a baby is a fragile creature and that a crowd of people should not be allowed into the house immediately after being discharged. I have always been fascinated by American reality shows, in which a couple of dozen relatives and friends come running to the hospital to look at their mother with a newborn, or, conversely, about forty people meet a happy mother at home - a barbecue in the backyard is already waiting! Probably, if I showed this to a Moscow friend, she would have decided that these are the Martian chronicles.
Not so long ago I found out that women in Moscow do postpartum swaddling. It is assumed that this procedure helps to "put the organs back in place" and helps to regain shape. I was very impressed by this, although, in principle, nothing surprising - in Russia, women are very serious about the idea of \u200b\u200bpreserving their figure after giving birth. And they will never say that feeding is an excuse to eat an extra cake. On the contrary, many Russian mothers believe that during feeding one must follow a strict diet so as not to "pass" anything superfluous to the baby through milk.
In Russia, mothers are ready to do anything for the sake of a child, but somehow manage to engage in upbringing and home, without losing their beauty, profession and feeling like a woman
About grandmothers and nannies
It seems to me that the main difference between Russian grandparents and American and European ones is in the very idea that they should (sometimes even when they are not asked) help, that grandchildren are their responsibility. Modern Western grandmothers are from the baby boomer generation. My own mother, born in 1944, is a typical representative of this category of endlessly traveling retirees who collect photographs of their grandchildren and come to visit them a couple of times a year, give gifts and play a couple of games at Monopoly. And, perhaps, like my parents, they save money for their grandchildren for the university. But about participation in everyday life out of the question. Moreover, they often find themselves with their grandchildren in different parts of the country, and even in different countries.
When I returned to Moscow after giving birth with a two-month-old baby and the need to work as usual, I fell into despair. I would give my son to the first person I met for a few hours of sleep. I was young and naive and believed that any woman who raised her children would cope with mine. In the beginning, my son had two nannies. One is Lilya, a middle-aged Ossetian. The other is Tatiana, a Russian woman who has worked as a teacher for many years. And, I must say, with the Ossetian I was calmer. Yes, she sometimes did not understand something and not everything could be entrusted to her, but she was much kinder. My Russian nanny frightened me, and in the end I fired her - she treated the child like a young animal who needed to be fed and walked on time, but without much love and affection. Maybe Tatyana simply did not have any tenderness for children left after so many years of work in kindergarten, but in any case, it turned out to be too "Soviet" for me.
About treatment and nutrition
It was very sad to find out how strong the anti-vaccination movement is in Russia. Apparently, many mothers have confused a healthy lifestyle with all its bio-food and other good habits and minimal. All this is very nice, but, in my opinion, not at the level of vaccination. Moms with higher educationwho have seen the world, in all other respects are absolutely modern, say that they do not trust Russian vaccines, and therefore generally refuse vaccinations. And they report it as calmly as their counterparts in London do about shopping at Whole Foods. This is the position: I do not trust and do not vaccinate. Some of these mothers even managed to mysteriously avoid childhood vaccinations themselves.
Porridge is a Russian superfood. In an ordinary Russian supermarket, on a shelf with cereals, you can find anything you like - buckwheat, rice, oatmeal, multigrain mixture, pearl barley, millet, semolina ... What is called porridge in Britain, and oatmeal in America does not even come close to describing that hot, hearty , a food absolutely necessary for a Russian child in the morning (and sometimes in the evenings), which is called porridge. And it is very likely that this will be the first after breast milk baby food.
Recently glamorous Olga posted her recipe for dried fruit compote along with a photo of a glass jug filled with liquid in a stunning dark orange color. Her two-year-old daughter and three-and-a-half-year-old son enjoy drinking homemade compote from (attention!) Dried apricots, raisins, rose hips, figs, star anise and cloves! And again I thought of all those damn tea bags apple juice with tubes that are always lost and which I gave out to children for years. I felt ashamed. In my opinion, we all need to learn how to cook compote!
In addition to soups and cereals, Russian mothers give their babies, who have already learned to chew, fish. One mom recently described to me a dinner that consisted of fried cod garnished with broccoli and creamy sauce. And this is for a one and a half year old child. Impressive? Me - yes. I have not met a Russian who would not eat fish. I remember telling one American mother with many children that my children love the sea bass. She looked at me as if I were an alien. And she asked how I cook such a complex dish. “I fry in butter. And that's all. " The same mom confessed to me that they had a much healthier diet after they moved to England. It amazed me. After Moscow, the usual meals for English children like fish sticks and beans do not seem so healthy.
About the sexuality of Russian mothers
In America and England, it quite often happens that, having become a mother, a woman devotes herself to a child one hundred percent. In Russia, mothers are also ready to do anything for the sake of a child, but somehow they manage to engage in upbringing and home, without losing their beauty, profession and feeling like a woman. So what's the secret? A lot of them. Here's one: Holidays are very fond in Russia. And they love to dress up. They all grew up in small apartments, and everyone has home (sweatpants, slippers) and streetwear - what you put on when you leave the house. In Moscow, it is not customary to walk around the city in whatever you have to. That is, you can have sneakers on, but only if they are combined with the overall look. Russia loves the show: here all life is a show. So, leaving the threshold, you have to think about how you look.
Pamela Druckerman, the author of the bestselling French upbringing book, was recently in Moscow and later wrote in her column for The New York Times how she was surprised by the mothers who came to her autograph session in heels. From this I concluded that she spent very little time in Russia, because anyone who has been here long enough knows that Russian women look great no matter where they go - to the supermarket, on a date or to the bookstore.
Russian dads
At venues in London and Vienna, I have repeatedly heard women complain that their husbands do not help them much or do something else wrong. Perhaps this is our mistake - in the West we want too much from dads. Russian mothers are happy to put their fathers on a pedestal with a specific role and function and are happy with any help that they bestow on them from this dais. In the West, we often perceive the Pope as another participant in the educational process with the same rights and responsibilities, and here, of course, there is some untruth. We somehow excluded masculinity from their role.
I deliberately postponed the conversation about dads for one of the last chapters, because this is how parenting works in Russia. Children are mainly the responsibility of the mother. Fathers, if any, play an important role in providing for the family, in being an example for children and sometimes in being an authority for them. Moms lead the process from the beginning, and dads connect as the child grows up. When dad is at home, he is in the spotlight and often knows how to do not less momand sometimes more. There are also families where dad works very hard and hardly sees children, and there he is respected for being a breadwinner. If in Russia you saw dad on the playground on a weekend, then he ended up there not because his wife forced him, but because he wanted to.
The average Russian child is much better educated than the average American or British child
Preschool period
And here, of course, we come to one of the most amazing Russian phenomena - chess. I just sat down when I found out how many mothers give their children to chess at the age of three. And this is not a show off, but the norm. Russian children really enjoy playing chess, and mothers often play with them. It's a shame to admit that we don't have chess at home and no one, including adults, knows how to play. One mother said that since her three-year-old son started going to chess, she noticed changes in his behavior and logical thinking... Too good to be true? Maybe so. But it doesn't hurt to compare Russian three-year-olds in shorts at a chessboard with their Western counterparts sitting in diapers surrounded by brightly colored plastic toys.
Everything is serious at school from the first grade. Nobody talks about emotional maturation. Children should learn mathematics, Russian, English. Homework asked from the first days. And you need to immediately learn to behave well in the classroom. This certainly sounds a little old-fashioned. But, apparently, it works - at least the average Russian child is much better educated than the average American or British child.
Dictionary of Russian parenting
The main wardrobe item is a hat. And not only in winter. A Russian child has a separate hat for each season. In winter, it is woolen, huge, with strings on the chin and often with a pompom (both for boys and girls). In spring and autumn, a smaller and lighter hat is worn, sometimes it is even made of cotton rather than wool. And no matter how warm or sunny, the hat always stays on the head - because it can "go through" (another purely Russian concept). In summer, of course, a hat is also absolutely necessary, but now in the form of a panama or a bandana, so as not to "bake". The hat is sacred. If you take your child out for a walk without a headdress appropriate for the season, you will definitely be reprimanded.
Massage. Eight years ago, when my son and I lived in Moscow, I, in my opinion, was the only one who did not invite a masseuse to my child. I don’t know what massage does, besides strengthening muscles, but Russian pediatricians prescribe a course for almost every baby. In the West, this is still done mainly for medical reasons.
Tights. I remember how I brought my son from New York a very beautiful down jumpsuit (the only possible piece of clothing in Moscow in winter) and found that he could not fit in either jeans or corduroy pants. But my nannies easily corrected the situation, telling me to buy tights, because, as it turned out, a child in a sweater and tights fits perfectly into a jumpsuit. And crawling in them is also very convenient. So all the beautiful panties were gathering dust in the closet, and the son, like all other Russian babies, sported all day in a bodysuit and tights.
Tanya Mayer with her son, Moscow, 2007.
“Russian mothers are between overly relaxed European and Asian mothers-tigresses”
- Tanya, how did you end up in Russia?
- My mom is Canadian and dad is Serb. When I was seven, we moved to the States, and since most of my life was spent there, I feel like an American. After university, while I was working in a bank in New York, I always asked my boss if there were any vacancies in Moscow. I spoke good Russian: I studied the language from the age of eighteen. It was the summer of 1999, there was a crisis in Russia, and I felt that after it an economic recovery would begin there. At some point, I just quit my job and bought a one-way ticket. I found a job in the Moscow office of an American bank and started getting used to it.
- In the book you write that in Moscow you met a man, got pregnant, and he chose to leave your life. You gave birth to a baby in the USA, but returned to us with a two-month-old baby. Not to say that such an experience can inspire to write something kind about parenting in Russia.
- Honestly, the most difficult thing in the work on the book was to once again remember those months. I gave birth to a wonderful son, became a single mother, then I met my husband, we had two more daughters, and the five of us settled in London for several years. Now we have been living for a year and a half in my husband's homeland in Austria.
- You have lived in America, Russia, England, Austria - countries with their own culture. Why did you decide to write specifically about Russian motherhood?
- Nobody ever noticed that Russian mothers are doing something special. I saw some of their common approaches - just the Russians themselves did not know about them, but as a foreigner I could see it. I have tried a lot on my children and they have shown their effectiveness. The very idea of \u200b\u200bthe book came to me in Vienna over a year ago: I came across a group of Russian-speaking mothers on Facebook. I was amazed how mothers support each other.
- How did you collect information?
- This is my personal experience... Plus, I arranged meetings with Russian mothers in Moscow: it's interesting that more people always came than planned - you really love to discuss your experience and share your knowledge. The dialogues in the Facebook group helped a lot.
- How did your family members react when you turned from a banker into a writer?
- I'm on a long maternity leave, so I haven't worked in a bank for a long time. The children were constantly curious that I was constantly doing this on the computer. And my husband strongly supported me, let me go to work in a cafe, and he himself took care of the children.
- What is so unique about Russian parenting? Can you highlight, say, 10 things that are typical for us?
- Russian mothers are between overly relaxed European and Asian mothers-tigresses, who keep children in tight-knit gloves from an early age. I can easily name ten differences: the enjoyment of pregnancy and respect for women in position; healthy eating (a priority breastfeeding, cereals, soups, home cooking); potty training from 6-10 months; long walks with children in the open air; summer in the country; the ability to look good, get in shape after childbirth, take care of yourself; the ability to make a decision specifically for your situation, choose the best option for your child and not be tormented by a sense of guilt; grandmothers who are ready to help almost the whole day, or nannies, available, including to poor people; the ability to enjoy the upbringing process, and not planning just 10–20 years ahead; Russian mothers understand that the father has his own role in the family, they are praised and appreciated for any help.
- Is there something in the Russian approach to education with which you strongly disagree?
Many of your women are opposed to vaccinations. I am not condemning anyone, but a recent example of the measles epidemic that broke out in California is indicative (at the beginning of this year, more than 100 children who attended Disneyland were infected with measles; the US Department of Health issued a recommendation not to visit the amusement park for children who have not been vaccinated against the disease. ed.). It seems wild to me when someone tries to punish other people's children. Once in Moscow, my son nailed, and one nanny slapped him loudly on the palm - they say, you can't. I asked that woman not to do that anymore, to which she was surprised: “What's wrong? It is so accepted here! "
- Do you think Russian mothers will be interested in reading about themselves?
- I think, yes, Russian mothers will be interested - somewhere to disagree with me, somewhere it's enough to shake your head. They may even learn something new. One reader wrote to me that it was only from my book that she first heard about Japanese diapers and special postpartum swaddling for mothers.
