If feelings cool. Feelings. What to do if feelings have cooled down? How to bring back cooled old feelings and relationships

Almost all couples sooner or later have a period when the romantic candy-bouquet period is left behind, interest in a partner disappears and the relationship turns into gray boring everyday life. And often couples don't know what to do when their feelings have cooled. According to psychologists, this usually happens in the 3rd year of a relationship, when a man and a woman already know each other well and have ceased to enjoy each other and surprise. This period accounts for most of the divorces and partings. However, not everything is so sad and hopeless. If your feelings have cooled down, but you still want to keep the relationship, there are many ways to revive it.

To begin with, recognize and accept the fact that routine and boredom in a relationship is perfectly normal. This phenomenon is due to the fact that the partners are accustomed to each other. Hence the first tip:

Don't sit still, change

This applies to both the exterior and the inner world. After all, of course, before this relationship, you had much more favorite activities, hobbies. But then feelings drove them out: due to lack of time, you abandoned all your hobbies - and you were absolutely wrong. Develop as a person: watch new films, read, do beading, design, board or psychological games, journalism, astrology, psychology, go to fitness or sign up for oriental dances, yoga, hairdressing or makeup courses. Then you will always have something to talk about.

Pay more attention to your appearance

Love yourself, so that your man will love you. Most Western women, with the beginning of their life together, are confident that a man will not go anywhere and stop taking care of himself, it becomes normal to appear in front of a loved one in an old shabby dressing gown, uncombed and with peeled varnish on the nails. But once you were going on a date for 2 hours to be the most beautiful for him! Revive this tradition - always be well-groomed and sexy: buy yourself new beautiful lingerie, get an unusual intimate haircut.

Try to diversify your leisure time together

Organize a romantic evening. If circumstances permit, arrange a trip for two, if not abroad, then at least to any nearby resort. Let it be only 2 days off, but a change of scenery will undoubtedly have a beneficial effect on the general atmosphere of your relationship. If it is not possible to leave the city, book a hotel room and make an appointment with him there. Or at least arrange a romantic dinner at home: with unusual dishes, candles, music and a fragrant bath. Let this time be only yours.

Take an interest in his life

Always ask how his day went, try to delve into his affairs, even if it is completely uninteresting. So he will understand that you are still interested.

Come up with general activities

Moreover, try to take into account common interests. If you both love leisure, go hiking or skating. Invite your loved one to take a tango lesson - this passionate Argentine dance will awaken the senses and make you look at each other with fresh eyes. Go to football with him, delve into the details and cheer together. If you find it so difficult to find intersection points, try to combine and alternate your interests: let's say today you go to the theater, and tomorrow to the skating rink or the pool.

Don't forget about physical intimacy

Since the time of Freud, it has been established that intimate relationships play an important role in the life of each individual and, especially, in the life of a couple. Trying to awaken the dormant feelings, add variety to the intimate sphere: experiment, read the relevant literature, watch films, go to the intimate goods store. The intimate entertainment industry is so diverse now that you can pick up something special for the most demanding taste. After all, being spontaneous and unexpected is also a great way to diversify a relationship. And, besides, you have at your disposal a whole arsenal of oriental women and geishas: lap dance, role-playing games, erotic massage - not a single man, even the coldest man, can resist.

Don't get hung up on each other

Communication with other people is vital for every person. Therefore, try to more often organize joint outings to friends, invite guests to your place, have parties, go to clubs. As a result, you will feel younger and your feelings will flare up with renewed vigor.

Intrigue your loved one

Of course, you shouldn't act out scenes from Othello, but demonstrate your independence periodically. A small dose of bitchiness will not hurt the relationship - you can "accidentally" mention a new fan or acquaintance. Let him not think that you are his forever and that you will not get away from him. A man should cherish you, as, indeed, you should.

Pay attention to your man

Write cute SMS, but do not overdo it, so as not to seem intrusive. Periodically arrange small surprises, give symbolic gifts. As you know, we receive exactly the same amount as we give. Before you have time to look back, your chosen one will again fill you with flowers and carry you in his arms.

Stop swearing over trifles and finding fault with your man

Respond to everyday problems more calmly. Instead of once again expressing a bunch of complaints to your beloved, smile charmingly and say that you love him. This will turn a potential fight into a passionate kiss.

At first glance, it may seem that all these simple little things take up a lot of time and effort, but you should not turn your whole life into a campaign to return past feelings. It is enough only periodically, but strictly regularly, several days a month to deal with your relationship, and you will experience a crisis in the relationship.

Act as if this is not your regular partner, but a stranger whose heart you need to win. Look at him with different eyes, admire, fall in love and fall in love with yourself - and then your fairy tale of love will last forever.

- about women's mistakes, which, according to men, can extinguish romantic feelings.

In this part, we will look at a number of already masculine mistakes that can extinguish a woman's romantic feelings, and see if it is worth trying to correct them.

It is somewhat easier for us girls: we are interested in all aspects of relationships, most of us are interested in what can be done to strengthen the relationship, or at least prevent them from falling apart.

Therefore, we can go online, listen to friends, learn from the mistakes of others, remember what not to do, and just try not to do it .

As for men ... It's easier for them in the sense that it never even occurs to them to get worn out in this way, but some of them will never know why the woman left or why the woman is very annoyed.

Some do not recognize, and some recognize in a very ugly form: in the form of shouts, accusations, scandals. And which of them is better is still not clear.

There are oh-oh-oh-so many things that can extinguish in a woman not only the desire to have sex with a man, but also nullify the romantic feeling.

We talked about some of them in the article

For example, he:

• does not lower the toilet seat
• doesn't wash your dignity before sex
• swims in fat and does not want to do anything about it
• throws socks everywhere
• does not take off smelly socks when coming home
• doesn't brush teeth
• eating like a pig
• often scratches in the groin
• does not wash his hands
• gasses like it's okay
• floods the rim of the toilet
• ineptly acts during sex
• whines often
• goes to the toilet without closing the door
• constantly listens to mommy
• …and many many others.

To speak or not to speak?

These habits are not only annoying, but also significantly reduce the sexual attraction of a partner to a man. But do you know what the trouble is? That many men do not know about it .

This raises the question: how to convey to him, how does this affect you? And is it worth it at all?

First, I will answer the second question: definitely worth it. Certainly. Because if he continues in the same spirit, you won't get used to it sooner or later - no, you will accumulate negativity in yourself.

What this negative will result in over time is another question: into a breakdown in relations, into a terrible scandal, during which you will humiliate him, or into the fact that you will simply begin to avoid intimacy with him, continuing to accumulate everything in yourself ... nor poured out - it will very badly affect the relationship. Any negative impact on a relationship.

Means, it is necessary that this negative was not, right? Therefore, you need to try to fix what is causing negativity in you. We have discussed why women have to do this.

Accordingly, the question now arises: « How can you do this to make it work?»

Why scandals and accusations do not work, we also discussed in the last article. Scandals and accusations only shake the nerves of both of you, cause him anger and irritation, which he will sooner or later direct at you - after all, you didn’t take care of his feelings, why should he?

Shyness isn't an option either. For example, a man devotes very little time to foreplay, and the girl does not have time to prepare, so it is painful and unpleasant for her to have sex, but she is embarrassed to say that more time should be given to foreplay.

Someone suffers this all their lives, embarrassed. But to whom does it feel good? The man lives as he lived, does not suspect anything, and the girl suffers for many years. Either a man sees that a girl begins to avoid intimacy, but not understanding what the matter is, he starts to take offense, or his self-esteem falls ... All this also has a very bad effect on relationships.

And here we come back to the topic again honest and competent conversation ... It is through him that you should express your wishes to a man (no complaints!).

There is one very simple rule for such a conversation: before expressing dissatisfaction to a man with something in his behavior, think about how you would like to hear that you are doing something wrong when you make his mistake.

Moreover, there are no universal formulas: the girl will have to figure out how to present the information to the man herself, because only she knows the character and temperament of her partner.

It is clear that it is easier to remain silent or shout than to move your brains and figure out how to convey your discontent to a person so that he will not be offended and realize that you really need to be corrected.

But on the other hand, "keeping silent" and "yelling" lead to a deterioration in relations, and "to convey, so that you do not take offense and realize" leads to a strengthening of relations, because it eradicates the causes of your negative feelings. And then everyone herself chooses which way to go.

Let's take an example.

Let's say it annoys you that a man is lying on the couch in smelly socks. Let's take his place: imagine that you are lying on the couch in smelly tights. And - what is important! - do not know that you stink (because you do not feel your smell). And you lie so, well, relaxed, everything is calm ...

What response from a man would not hurt you deeply without lowering your self-esteem? (You don't need to think that men have no feelings - they are offended in the same way, only more often inside)

- if he had kept silent, and only once, after some time, would you have found out that all the time you walked in smelly tights, and he endured, it was unpleasant for him, but he did not want to tell you?

- if he walked into the room and directly said: "Take off your tights, you stink!"

- if he walked into the room and started yelling: “Oh, you rubbish, the whole room smelled, don’t you understand what is disgusting to me ?! Take it off now, pig !! "

- if he gently and delicately let you know that the tights should be removed? All people are different, the threshold of touchiness is also different for everyone, so the words must be selected individually for each person.

For example, I would not be offended (and most importantly, I would have remembered that from now on I need to take off my tights) if he sympathetically said: “My girl, you are probably very tired today, running around ...” I would ask: "Why?" or “Yeah, how do you understand?”, and he would answer: “My legs are sweating a lot ...” Wow, I would have rushed to take off my tights and wash: it would, of course, be ashamed, but not offensive. Those. As a result, I would not have negative feelings towards my partner.

You can also combine words with actions. For example, open a window and ask: “Darling, do you mind, I will ventilate here? It smells very bad, I even feel nauseous, but I don’t understand where ... ”However, the level of understanding of hints is different for everyone: one will run to take off his socks, the other will not blow his mustache. Therefore, you need to select words and actions based on the qualities of your man.

Yes, most likely, this conversation will need to be repeated several times, in different forms (men are pretty bad at remembering), but as a result, if you did everything right, the man will overcome the unpleasant habit. You, too, do not get rid of bad habits the first time?

Therefore, girls, if you do not want your love to be influenced by such negative factors as scandals or omissions, learn to think and try the situation on yourself to build the right conversation.

Love is the most beautiful feeling of all, hitherto known to man... She helps to enjoy life and create, gives inspiration and faith in the best. But sometimes she leaves without warning. And there comes a moment when a person notices that the "half" seems to slip through his fingers. Of course, you should not prepare for such a moment in advance, because it may not happen. But if you notice in time that your partner begins to "cool down", there is a chance to return the old feelings.

Be more attentive to the details: it is in them that the answer to the intimate question lies, which we often address to the daisies - it seems to be a joke, but at the same time, like children, we are waiting for a miracle with bated breath. You need to understand that in any relationship there are ups and downs, times of calm and moments when embers can flare up with renewed vigor. But in situations about which it will be below, something clearly went wrong ...

1. Anna Karenina in the novel of the same name by Leo Tolstoy began to irritate her husband's ears. If something like this happens to you - before something did not cause a reaction, but now it is always striking, or what you liked is now repulsive - most likely, there have been big changes in your relationship.

2. They look at you a little, that is, eye contact has become less prolonged and expressive. You are less likely to smile. If you look closely, you will notice that in your presence they hold their breath. Or you began to notice such an attitude towards your partner.

3. Very often a person who stops feeling love for his partner begins to touch him less and less. He has no need and desire to feel a once loved one. Even being in a small room, he will try to avoid mutual touches, and if this cannot be avoided, they will not be affectionate and warm, like a person in love.

4. As soon as a man and a woman stop laughing at the same jokes, making fun of each other, it's time to revive the relationship, if your partner is still dear to you. The ability to laugh at what is happening, at funny and difficult situations, not only helps to live, but also testifies to harmony between people.

5. You notice that you become uninterested in almost everything that your partner says or can say. Communication with him seems to take all your energy. The partner, for his part, may not support the proposed topic, but rather strive to “curtail” it. Conversations mainly concern formal things, from which there is simply nowhere to go, or they start just to take time and maintain a semblance of contact.

6. A loving couple is characterized by a desire to jointly develop plans to achieve goals that are important to them. Reluctance to share plans, discuss decisions that affect your future life together should be a warning to you that your partner has ceased to feel strong emotions for you. And if such secrecy was not inherent in him right away, it is worth thinking about how to fix the situation before everything goes too far.

7. The fact that your partner has stopped loving you is evidenced by rare phone calls. At the beginning of a relationship, any man strives to conquer a woman, constantly calling her and checking how she is in her mood, what she does, how she treats him. When love is gone, the man doesn't care, and he bothers himself less and less with calls. And he begins to answer the calls of the chosen one all the time, referring to urgent matters.

8. Often, with little or no reason, the partner (or you) has an irritated tone in conversation. Increasingly, scandals arise in a couple about and especially for no reason.

9. During the showdown, the partner does not strive for a constructive solution to problems, but simply tries to hurt, offend and humiliate you as painfully as possible. He seems to be trying to get you to give up the relationship first, creating an unbearable environment in which it is impossible to live.

10. If they do not argue with you, then they may simply be suppressed to be silent - as if clamping the answer or remark in themselves. The partner closes in himself and stops participating in family life, preferring to go headlong into work or any hobby.

11. You periodically catch yourself feeling that everything has already been said between you, nothing new will happen and you just have to endure a person who has imperceptibly become an outsider for you. There is a vague feeling that you are wasting your time.

12. Under any pretext on weekends, your “half” is trying to disappear from home, preferring to spend free time with friends (it is possible that with a new potential “half”). It is especially alarming if, before leaving their house, the partner's mood rises noticeably, and he is more captious than usual examining himself in the mirror.

13. If a partner indifferently observes how his half flirts with someone else (or someone tries to flirt with her), then the matter is bad: as they say, "love is gone, tomatoes wilted." And the time of parting here already depends on whether the lovers are married or only live together for now. The main thing is not to mistake the offended and demonstratively turned away partner for an indifferent statue!

14. See if your half is hiding something? If he or she stays with his gadget and closes the screen when he thinks you might be prying, chances are you have some serious reason to think. Unless they are preparing a surprise birthday party for you or looking for a gift in an online store. But this will be more of an isolated incident rather than permanent behavior.

15. If you are almost sure that your partner is playing a double game, and are determined to bring him out into the open, use the bluff method. Make a serious face and say convincingly: "I know everything." If the “half” is really lying up to his ears, she will buy into it and give herself away. In the worst case, you can surely find out what you only guessed about. At best, you will find out that you have been winding yourself up in vain, and your loved one has been afraid for a week to admit that he accidentally broke your favorite cup.

my19edwin.livejournal.com

How to know that he has cooled, why feelings are cooling

When you begin to feel that your beloved has become not so reverent and affectionate towards you, without that delight and that sparkle in his eyes that was before, it is very frustrating and frightening. What happened? Maybe you just think so? How do you know that he has lost interest in you, and not just tired or your relationship has entered a calm phase?

Compliments. You no longer listen to them hundreds a day. You practically beg for them from your beloved. He has no time to say them, he has more important things to do. And you are always beautiful, he told you, you can no longer come up with such questions;

He doesn't even notice the change in your appearance. Doesn't react if he doesn't like it. “Have you changed your hair? I didn't even notice. Yes, okay, okay ”is the standard answer of an ordinary man. By these words, you can find out that the guy has cooled. Remember how he used to behave when you changed something in yourself;

Calls you less and less. This includes meetings. They are very rare and fleeting. After all, he is all in business. You no longer attract him with your wit. You become a burden to him;

You annoy him. He no longer sees the beauty with which he fell in love, and it infuriates him. On this basis, many empty quarrels arise. He doesn't like every word you say. He begins to think that you are doing all this on purpose. Your relationship is under threat, it seems that soon you will have to find out that the guy has lost interest in you;

Your business. The delineation of all previously common affairs begins. He tells you that his affairs do not concern you. Doesn't tell (or very sparingly) what is happening at his work or with his parents. Another unpleasant way to find out that a guy has cooled;

Not “We”, but “I” and “You,” he says more and more often. There is no longer the concept of "we". He is trying to emphasize this with all his gestures and words. Don't be angry with him for this, he can do it subconsciously. Just not understanding everything that is happening.

Everyone in love and life has difficult moments. If several of the above signs coincided with your reality, you should not chop off your relationship. Analyze. How often do these items appear in your life? Under what circumstances? Is it constant or at intervals? How long are these gaps?

If you no longer think about how to find out that a guy has lost interest, but are 100% sure of this, do not wait until he tells you everything - men do not like to talk about relationships and often do not know how to do it. Start a conversation yourself and try to find out that with him, perhaps, the reason is not in you, but in his problems, and he is not up to feelings now. Or maybe his feelings really go away ...

Inhale new life into your relationship. Surprise him with yourself. Let him fall in love over and over again. You must be everything to him: the sun, the moon, the stars and oxygen. He must understand that he cannot breathe without you. You are a drug that should always be there with a new dose.

“People meet, people fall in love, get married,” famous words from a good song. It's great when two people love each other. But love does not always last long. It happens that in the life of every girl there comes a period when problems begin in love affairs.

When such a moment comes in a relationship, the girl willy-nilly wonders if her young man has lost interest in her and what to do next to interest him again.

How do you know that a man has lost interest in you? In search of an answer to this question, girls most often seek advice from their friends, but there are several main indicators by which you can determine whether your partner has cooled or not.

It is worth taking a closer look at how his behavior, look, words, facial expressions have changed. To what and how he reacts.

You need to evaluate how much he has moved away from you. What has remained the same, how he talks to you, what is wrong in intonation and where his gaze is most often directed at the moment of conversation.

To find out that a man has lost interest in you, you need to analyze the main reasons for his unusual behavior. Try to figure out what caused your partner's unusual behavior. Maybe you are just tired of each other, or your behavior somehow repels him, forcing yourself to behave that way.

Analyze your behavior, try to determine exactly how your behavior has changed, try to identify those moments in which you yourself remove your partner, or try to control him very much. Change your line of behavior, see things easier. Try to understand him, listen. You need to talk to him honestly, what happened to you, and what is in his soul.

If your young man makes contact, it means that he also noticed the changes and wants to return everything back. If he is simply surprised and does not want to solve the problem in any way, it means that your relationship has outlived its usefulness, it's time to put an end, the man has lost interest in you. In the case when the partner is trying to solve the problem by mutual forces, do not forget that the relationship is a pair game in which the team consists of two people.

If you adhere to these tips, you can always find the answer to the question of how do you know that he has lost interest in you? It has always been, is and will be.

Relationships that flare up too quickly can fade just as quickly (and this happens quite often). And your flame was extinguished? According to my research, flame extinction is characterized by three types of behavior. Are any of them inherent in you?

Reason 1 why feelings cool down: premature emotional intimacy

Why feelings cool down. If you admit your personal feelings too early, the illusion of deep emotional closeness will be created. Even if you met only once or twice, you spent an infinitely long time hanging out with him on the phone, surfing the Internet, or hovering in your hopes and dreams. You think that you are a real couple or will soon become one. but you have no insurance — time together — and you haven’t earned the trust to get you over the bumpy road.

Connor, a thirty-three-year-old chef from Nantucket, Massachusetts, shared with me his regrets about Madeline's girlfriend he met last summer. “There was an immediate attraction between us and I realized that there could be a long-term relationship with her,” he told me.

For the first three dates, five days were enough for them, and during these meetings the young people told each other about everything: about a difficult childhood, about being fired, about the details of breaking up with their ex, even about sexual fantasies. Connor said: "No slow smoldering, solid wild fire!" “So what happened? Why do feelings cool down? " - I asked in a tired voice, because I knew what would happen next.

Of course, Connor was far from the first man to describe this syndrome to me. “Well, on our fourth date, we were sitting next to an exhausted mom trying to calm her kids down, and Madeline whispered to me that she didn't understand how some women get along without a nanny.

It was as if I had been punched in the stomach: Madeline is not what I imagined her to be. I began to put the pieces of the puzzle together: she said that she went to a boarding school, that she always had a nanny with her. We just look at the world differently. I realized that she was not for me. "

Connor told why he reacted so sharply: he was raised by nannies, he felt like a child abandoned by his parents, and did not want his children to grow up among nannies or be raised in a boarding school. I asked if he discussed this topic, why feelings are cooling, with Madeline, because I was convinced that she would understand and eventually they would find a solution, although such a conversation might seem premature.

But as soon as I asked Connor this question, I immediately realized my mistake: you can offer a discussion of a serious emotional problem and you can solve it only when you are already a real couple. Here it is, the stumbling block: Madeline and Connor have not yet become a real couple.

They did not take the first steps towards regulating their communication, did not achieve the fairness necessary to value compromise in the relationship. This was only their fourth date!

Connor concluded, “We're too different; I retreated before we could hurt each other. " Their bond was so fragile that it was easily broken. He never told Madeline what really happened (and I'm sure she's still guessing).

Why do feelings cool down? The imaginations of my other Interlocutors turned on after a couple of wrong answers, an email from an ex-girlfriend, a nightmare, a few warnings from the therapist or watching a movie about a divorce (note: never let a guy watch the movie "Squid and the Whale" on the first date!). The problem is that if the relationship develops too quickly, the man falls in love not with you, but with his fantasy of you.

If the relationship develops too quickly, the man falls in love not with you, but with his fantasy of you. If he sees an edge of reality or is uncomfortable while the glue is still fresh, you don't have time to stick to each other.

Reason 2 why feelings cool: premature physical intimacy

From my Interlocutors, I have heard surprisingly many stories about this type of behavior! To be honest, they are all commonplace. The guys mentally separated girls with no chance of a serious relationship, sexual partners (including friendly and too early sex), from those for whom they had special feelings.

Of course, everyone knows that you shouldn't have sex on the first date, but after the first date, the line becomes blurred. Men cannot respect women who immediately slept with them. But. uh. a more precise definition of the word "immediately" should be given.

Why do feelings cool down? If your first date lasted seven hours, and then you talked on the phone for ten hours, poured out your heart in emails and it seems to you that you have known each other all your life, although you formally saw each other only three times - is it “right away”? YES, GIRLS, IT'S IMMEDIATELY!

FROM premature sex so many problems, I don't even know where to start. Toby, a twenty-nine-year-old sound engineer from Livonia, Michigan, called sex with girls he barely knew "half."

Even if he had a very emotional date, he, naturally, had not yet had time to fall in love with a girl, so he "got half - a body without a soul." He said that in such cases, the hug is not real. The same goes for meaningful sighs. Toby assured me: "I will not refuse, but that is not what makes me fall in love."

Rabin, a thirty-one-year-old chemist in Hartford, Connecticut, said: “At the beginning of a relationship, I still don't know a woman well enough to objectively assess our sexual compatibility.

If she hits me with some great skill, it might be exciting, but she may have done this before (and more than once) with other men. If I like a woman, then it will definitely turn me off. And if she is restrained, it becomes boring. How do I know if she is reserved because we barely know each other, or is she always in bed like a dead fish? "

Men are bored with accessible sex, which is why feelings cool. They say that they had a lot of casual relationships (often back in their teens), so now they want something different.

And there is no man in the world who would believe in yours: "I had sex for the first time with a guy I just met." Besides, the available sex bored men. Surprised? But they say that they had a lot of casual relationships (often back in their teens), so now they want something different.

For example, so that anticipation builds up over time, as they really get to know the woman. A guy rarely refuses temptation, men are so arranged, but it is unlikely that he wants a serious relationship with this particular woman, and then she will think: why are feelings cooling?

Marshal, a 34-year-old sales rep from Delaware, Delaware, said, "I think she confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction." Anton, a 36-year-old hairdresser in Boston, Massachusetts, described how easy he is to get oral sex on a first or second date. "All these fleeting relationships only add to my craving for real intimacy."

Miles, a thirty-year-old travel consultant in La Jolla, California, shyly said that he was looking for a woman who only undresses at a special moment: who strip for real sex; I think they don't go for real sex to play the part right, not because it can't be done without real affection. "

semejnyj-sajt.ru

Why are relationships cooling? Causes.

In the previous parts of the article "Why Love Dies", we talked about female and male mistakes that adversely affect mutual sexual attraction and, as a result, romantic feelings, as well as how to properly talk with a partner about his mistakes and problems in the relationship.

In this part, we will discuss what other factors are bad for relationships and cause love to fade.

Why does love go away?

Whatever reasons for the cooling of feelings we may talk about, in the end everything almost always comes down to one thing: to specific habits and actions of partners that are not useful for the relationship.

Look: when we talked about mistakes in behavior (throwing dirty things, lack of personal hygiene, etc.) - these are all the habits and actions of a person in everyday life.

When we talked about the inability to competently conduct a conversation with a partner, this is the habit of expressing complaints in the form of a shout or the habit of keeping everything to ourselves, etc.

Therefore, the question "Why does love go away?" essentially boils down to listing those actions and habits of a man and a woman that in one way or another harm a relationship.

In fact, I would like to think that there are no people so stupid who really are absolutely incapable of understanding that certain of their actions are at least not useful for the relationship.

Yes, we are used to doing this and that (washing ourselves once a week, getting drunk, motivating another person with abuse and jokes, eating a lot, not striving for development, not showing our feelings or talking about everything, not brushing our teeth, not paying attention to the mess in the house ... - everyone has their own shortcomings, and we often simply do not think about our habits and actions: we just do something or do not do something), but if you sit down and analyze each of your actions, it is not at all difficult to understand is it good for the relationship or not.

Our whole world stands on causal relationships, and we, whatever one may say, are rational beings, and in theory we should be able to predict and evaluate the chain of cause-effect, at least in our own relationships.

Some actions and habits are not bad in themselves, but they are bad when it comes to the relationship between a man and a woman.

For example, there is nothing wrong with being a very open person and loving to tell everything about yourself: but if your friends can listen with interest to your story with the smallest details about going to the gynecologist, then for a man it will be superfluous. And here you either do not change yourself and expect the man to react in the same way as his friends, or you slightly adjust your habit so as not to damage the relationship.

Or, generally speaking, there is nothing strange to go to the toilet without closing the door when you are alone at home (well, a little strange, of course, but it does not harm anyone), but if you do the same in front of a man, it will hurt.

It is very important to remember that a man is not a friend and, moreover, not yourself. A man is a slightly different creature simply because he is a man, his physiology is not only arranged differently, but also the brain itself, and this is extremely important.

Therefore, statements like: “We are one with him, he is my half, like loving people can there be at least some secrets and secrets from each other? Relationships without trust have no future! "

That's right, relationships without trust have no future. But do you know what the mistake of this objection is? The fact that the concept of "trust" does not include the obligation to do everything in front of another person or to dump all his shortcomings on him without trying to improve. That's not included at all. So do not confuse warm with soft and substitute concepts.

It’s just the lack of desire to make your partner’s life more comfortable, even by changing some of your habits, is very alarming, because, as I said, true love is characterized by the desire to become better for the sake of the object of your love.

Now let's look at what other actions / inactions of partners negatively affect the relationship and the feelings between them, in addition to the inability to discuss problems and committing the previously described mistakes.

What makes love cool? Causes.

And here I would summarize the factors that negatively affect the romantic feeling between partners into two semantic blocks. So why love dies:

Disregard for the feelings of a partner. At the same time, you may not give a damn about his feelings, but he does not see this, does not know, because he sees and knows something else: they yell at him, humiliate him, show him what he does not want or should not see, they force him do what he does not want to do at all, for his sake they do not want to make even an insignificant effort to make him more comfortable ... Selfishness? Selfishness. How else? Every normal person should love himself and want to be loved and done for his sake.

When you look unkempt, you show that you don't care about him. aesthetic feelings... When you lie in bed with a log, you demonstrate that you do not want to please him. When you force him to do everything together, you demonstrate that you do not care about his personal freedom. When you constantly lisp with him like he - small child, you show that you don't care if he feels like a man. (I'm not talking about isolated cases: we all get tired, we do not always have time or energy, but when such things are repeated over and over again - write wasted).

This also, as you understand, includes all the things that we talked about in previous articles. I also wrote a lot about this in the article "The Recipe for Eternal Love" - \u200b\u200bit says exactly that you need to be able to hear your partner, do something pleasant for him and never show a disregard for him in anything - and then he will return the same to you (if he is a good person).

Monotony. As I already wrote, monotony always breeds boredom. And boredom in relationships (constant, persistent) has a very bad effect on emotions in relationships. And love is also an emotion. Do you understand?

That is why I advise you to pay attention to articles such as "How to competently cause jealousy", "How to become sexier" - such actions serve precisely to dispel boredom.

This does not mean at all that you should, like in a circus, entertain your partner every day, juggle in front of him, do acrobatic tricks and tell jokes - no. This means that everything should not always be the same, and they talk about it everywhere and everywhere (and not without reason!), And you have heard this more than once.

When he comes home every day, every day his wife meets him in the same dressing gown, with the same hairstyle, with the same mood, with the same words, they perform their usual actions, even in bed everything is according to the worked out scheme - this is very bad for relationships.

It seems to some that it cannot be otherwise, and that any relationship sooner or later “settles down” exactly in this form - but it is not so! Yes, in order to diversify relationships from time to time, you need strength, you need energy, you need some kind of brains ... And many do not have either the strength, or desire, or even the knowledge that something needs to be changed.

But this is so in everything in this world, and we talked about this in the article "How to become happy." If you want to get something good, do something. If you won't do it (no matter for whatever reasons: laziness, fatigue, lack of opportunity, lack of knowledge) - don't expect someone to bring it on a platter.

It is not for nothing that they repeat everywhere that relationships are work. And this work does not end after a few months or years of living together. But this work is worth the effort: a happy, harmonious relationship gives both energy, and an excellent mood, and a desire to create - and this is very important for the life of every person.

Therefore, if you really value the person next to you and your relationship, all you need to do is analyze your actions and somewhere to correct your behavior.

If this position causes you rejection, then your own "I" is much more important to you than a happy relationship. And this is not bad, just, apparently, the relationship is not worth it. Or you already, as you are, coincide with your partner so harmoniously that your relationship will be wonderful and very long even without any effort. And this is good.

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Four reasons when a woman's feelings for a man cool down // OPTIMIST

Why do women most often stop loving a man the way they used to? The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin has published research findings citing four main reasons.

72% You are too lazy

Aren't you one of those who hope that someone else will do half of the work for him? “Every woman wants a man to invest in her and her children,” recalls psychologist Peter Jonason. To have something to invest, you need to earn. To earn money, you must at least not be lazy.

71% You dress bored

A jumper and favorite pants for all occasions? Too familiar, too familiar. Don't forget to add bright, unusual details to your wardrobe. Wear a shirt with a bold color pattern. Monk boots on your feet. It is necessary not so much for you as for her to feel: they still want to impress her.

69% You ask too much

“A woman is always like under a microscope. Society, family, men make a lot of demands on her, and you need to comply, says relationship expert Paul Hockmeyer. "And if she started to complain about something like that, this is a serious reason to listen to her and think: are you too critical and demanding?"

58% You are too serious

“Guys with a sense of humor make life more fun and exciting,” says Peter McGraw, psychologist and co-author of The Humor Code, quite seriously. Self-irony is especially appreciated: “Do you remember how we met? You walked into a club and saw a stylish guy. I was sitting just to the right of him. " In general, do not be boring.

And don't forget that you need to start working on the relationship before it reaches a dead end.

Tags: women men relationships causes psychology of feelings

The easiest way to return the feelings that once made you choose this particular person as your life partner is to return to the past. Your memories and feelings will help you with this. What you felt when he first took you by the hand, invited you on a date, kissed - all these feelings and circumstances serve as so-called psychological "anchors."

It could be tunes you both loved, restaurants or public gardens where your first dates were. Do not set yourself the task of resurrecting everything, try to observe how you feel now under the same circumstances. As you look at pictures of your first new year or vacation together, be together, tell each other how you feel, and think about what you both are missing.

Secret 2. Accept each other completely

With all the flaws and annoying habits. We know that there are no people without cons. At first we do not notice them, because falling in love blinds. But everyday life gradually opens your eyes and turns cute features into the horrors of being together. Many things have not caused tides of tenderness for a long time, but with the passage of time it is more difficult and more difficult to put up with something.

At first we see only the good and love for it. However, those relationships that cannot be destroyed also develop happily because in them we know about the bad and accept it. How to do it? First, talk about it. Do not offend your partner, explain that you value his feelings, are grateful for them, but there is also something that can be changed for the better. This will allow him to show his love without causing discontent. The more compromises you find, the less irritation your couple will have. What to fight and what not to pay attention to - you must solve these issues together, without emotions and mutual accusations.

Secret 3. Create something new

Walking in the past may not be enough. After all, the evening of memories will end, and you will have to return to weekdays. Everyday life takes away strength, and feelings fade. Years after they met, they begin to miss the feeling of novelty, which was so exciting and fascinating at first. In addition to memories of the past, you can come up with new traditions of your couple, creating pleasant events for both of you. the easiest way is to sit at home, at best you download a movie and watch it sitting side by side.

But this will not revive the passion and those emotions that you want to experience again. Undoubtedly, any attempt to refresh the relationship, even if not the most successful, is better than inaction. But it's more important to try to understand what you can give each other here and now. The experience of parting teaches us to appreciate what we have lost, and it’s not just passion. After divorces, former spouses often regret such simple things as communication, care, ordinary human warmth. Try to understand what in your partner you would be sad without - this can become a solid foundation for a new order of relations. Stronger, more serious and more stable.

Secret 4. Realize changes in yourself

Longing for the past feelings for a long time, we remember ourselves as the people we were. Although in reality the dissatisfaction concerns the present day. It is not always possible to immediately understand how people in a couple have changed, but what is important is that it was the relationship that made them different. If you had a different husband, and you would not become what you are now. Growing up and wisdom is a necessary stage for a full life, otherwise we would all remain naive and infantile boys and girls. Remember that your luggage is due in part to the person around you.

Secret 5. Miss each other

How long have you been bored? We were looking forward to meeting, as then, for the first time, and shuddered from the phone call. IN modern world it's difficult: the Internet and a bunch of useful gadgets create the illusion of full-fledged communication and presence. But real separation can still be arranged. At least agree that you will not bother each other and bother your partner for a while. Only talk to each other when you actually have something to say. Stay a little further apart,.

Together with the channel's experts, we figure out what to do if the relationship is going through a crisis.

Admitting to yourself that relationships are slowly but surely dying is often difficult. Often we deceive ourselves, afraid of being alone after a long relationship, but in fact we feel that love is fading. What signs indicate that feelings are in agony and the relationship cannot be saved?

You see more flaws in a person than virtues

Falling in love puts pink glasses on us - we do not see flaws in a person. Over time, the euphoria disappears, but our sober look, noticing the disadvantages, does not detract from the many virtues of a loved one. When feelings fade away, our partner's flaws come to the fore, overshadowing all the pros. We become intolerant even to those little things to which we used to react calmly. This is an alarming symptom that speaks of a change in your attitude towards your loved one.

You are constantly angry with the person.

You no longer have enough patience and endurance - you get angry, scandal, take offense and constantly express dissatisfaction. You get annoyed at any little things, every day you notice a lot of things that can piss you off. Anger for no reason is especially telling. If you begin to be annoyed not only by the behavior, but also by the features of your partner - his facial expressions, habits, gestures, appearance, speech - then this is clear sign outgoing love.

More and more you need to be alone

Previously, you tried to spend every free minute with your loved one, but now you can seriously choose between an evening with him or alone. This suggests that in society with the chosen one you are no longer comfortable. Communication with him began to weigh you down. There can be a lot of reasons - constant conflicts, divergence of interests, indifference to each other's life. Whatever the reason, the regular choice of loneliness or the company of other people speaks of a chasm that runs between you, which only continues to grow.

You don't see a shared future

Previously, dreams of a joint future were drawn by themselves, but now you increasingly make plans for a life where there is no organic place for your beloved. If you do not see him next to you in a few years, then think - maybe subconsciously you have long deleted this person from your life?

You don't want intimacy anymore

It is not for nothing that family psychologists begin their session with a question about the sexual intimacy of spouses. Intimate life is one of the most striking indicators of the state of relations between partners. Lack of sexual desire is a sure sign of fading love.

You can imagine yourself with another person

If you can imagine yourself next to another person while reflecting on your life and future, then this is a depressing symptom for your current relationship. You are open to new people and live with the feeling that another person may appear in your life - better and more worthy than the previous one. The current chosen one no longer seems to you the best candidate for the role of your companion, and you will always doubt him, waiting for a more suitable person to appear on the horizon. In such a situation, the relationship becomes an unnecessary clamp around the neck, which does not allow to a new life.

You are no longer anxious to solve problems

The desire to understand the causes of fights is a natural impulse, indicating that you value the person and your relationship. But now the next conflict causes only a desire to escape, just not to discuss the accumulated grievances again. Sometimes entering into an argument, you blame and reproach your partner for all the mistakes, recalling many episodes from the past. If this situation is familiar to you, then you let the relationship take its course, no longer having the strength and desire to fight for a happy future with this person.

You are not afraid to offend the person

You no longer choose tactful words when trying to explain to your partner, but you are able to respond coolly or even indifferently to his declarations of love. In your thoughts, you just became honest with yourself and now call things by their proper names, but such honesty suggests that the feelings of the chosen one are no longer in the first place for you.

You don't confess your love anymore

You no longer want to lie, first of all to yourself, and do not say “I love you,” because now it does not come from the heart. Occasionally, a confession may come from your lips, but this rarely happens and most likely out of habit. Unwillingness to tell a person about your love for him is the main signal that love is no longer there.