"We're getting a divorce": How to tell a child about divorce. How to explain to a child why mom and dad no longer live together? How to explain to a child that we are getting a divorce

In this article, we will talk about how to explain the divorce of parents to a child. Divorce is stressful for your family, the most vulnerable part of it is the child. Therefore, it is necessary to properly prepare it for this process.

By correctly informing your child about the divorce, you will multiply his understanding, acceptance and experience of these changes, reducing their negative consequences. Prepare for the conversation, try to calm down, pull yourself together, your stress and anxiety can be transferred to the child.

Talk to your child calmly, he should feel your protection and support. Do not put off the conversation, the more you put off, the more the child feels guilty about the divorce of his parents. Because children feel the situation in the family, they feel that something is wrong, they may hear some conversations, and since you are hiding something from him, it may be because of him.

Once you have made this decision, talk to your child right away. Build a conversation based on the age of the child, young children can also understand that now they will live with one parent, and the second will visit them. And this is not because his parents do not like him, this is how the situation developed. Explain to your child that your divorce is not his fault.

Different children perceive this information in different ways, the child may cry, may withdraw. Do not be afraid of such a reaction - just be there, support him, he needs you.

After the conversation, give your child as much time as they need to take in the information. If it is difficult for you to start this conversation with your child, seek the help of a psychologist. Below are three stories from life, after reading which you will understand what you do not need to tell your child when explaining the divorce of parents.

Three divorce stories

Divorce of parents

My father was a comrade, to put it mildly, strange, I realized this much later, when I grew up. But some words, as they say, "cannot be thrown out of the song." To fully understand the situation, you will have to “turn inside out” a bit.

I was little, but I remember very well how my mother cried quietly from everyone, and then met my father on the threshold with a smile and a hot dinner on the table. From the conversations of adults, I knew that my dad was "walking". After sorting out the relationship with my father, my mother lay in the hospital for three months, while my tiny sister and I lived with my grandmother all this time.

The father is with his parents. He came to us, played, read, in general, everything was as it should be, but everything was without a soul. Then he began to come every other day, after some time - even less often.

When my mother was discharged, her parents divorced. Some time later, we - my mother, me and my sister, who was only eight months old - arrived in a Siberian town, which met us with a terrible frost and strong wind. Thus began a new life...

I kept waiting for at least one letter from him to arrive. In the summer, when we came to see granny for a short time, five thousand kilometers away, dad visited us, but very rarely. At first, my sister and I were waiting for his “arrivals”, but, over time, they stopped.

When the school-kindergarten events took place, all the children were with a "full" set of parents. To be honest, my sister and I were envious. Now I'm not ashamed to admit it. We never received a “new pope”.

In all the time that has passed since the divorce, my mother NEVER said bad word about a father my sister didn't even know. Only good.

Mom did not put pressure on us, did not impose her opinion. All the questions we asked were answered, but without "darkness". In 20+ years, he has not tried to meet or contact us.

We know where dad lives now. But…. We no longer want to meet. What for? When arranging their new life, they safely forgot about us. My sister and I have long made our conclusions, who is who.

Friend's parents divorce

We had neighbors - a wonderful family of four - two daughters Galya and Tanya, good luck with my sister, and their parents. What caused the collapse of their family, the categorical aunt Valya did not hide - treason.

Their father did not share anything, he left everything to his wife, now the former, and his daughters, taking only a small suitcase.

Aunt Galya did not allow her to see her father, despite the tears and persuasions of the girls. She watered the former with slops at every opportunity so that it was audible for a kilometer. The flight of fancy in terms of inventing insults could be "enviable".

What happened when, after 5-6 years, Aunt Valya found out that the daughters were secretly meeting with their father, communicating perfectly with his new wife and their son, it makes no sense to tell. And so it is clear that there was a grandiose scandal. Feathers flew in all directions. As a result, the “go-ahead” for dates was nevertheless received, but what price was paid for this?

A bunch of reproaches of girls for betrayal, tears and tantrums of an adult woman ... Having matured, Tanya and Galina moved away from their mother and reduced communication with her to a minimum.

Happy together….

At the age of sixteen, Natasha, my then girlfriend, always laughed that she did not know who her father was - her own or her stepfather. Her mother acted wisely, allowing her to see her own father and stay with him for as long as her daughter wanted. This happens extremely rarely.

Both parents built new families, but…. They were very friendly with each other. How this could happen - many do not understand. I would give dearly to know their secret to maintaining such a relationship.

Much later, already having a child of her own, Natasha enjoyed the abundance of her grandparents. Of course, this is an ideal example in every respect. This is the only case I know of.

Unfortunately, life has scattered us all, and all ties with my childhood friends have been lost. We are now united by only one thing - the memory of the parents' divorce and their behavior after.

Conclusion based on bitter experience

One of my colleagues (let's call her Vera) decided to get a divorce, she thought about it for more than one year. And apparently the boiling point has been reached. She and her husband have an eleven-year-old daughter who was torn between her parents.

After Vera's tantrums, her daughter received something like nervous breakdown. The child considered himself to be guilty .... For what? Now the girl drinks a bunch of sedative pills and additionally works with a psychologist. Until Vera divorced, she lives separately from her husband, the daughter is afraid to meet her father. This is how it happens….

This topic is not easy, you may think that I have described it somewhat one-sidedly. But believe me, I have a few more examples of how people behaved during a divorce.

How to explain the divorce of parents to a child

Women! Girls! If it so happened that what you had was not preserved - and no matter for what reasons, find the strength in yourself to remain a Human. Yes, that's right, with a capital letter.

Perhaps you will now begin to throw yourself at me, but do not forget that in addition to your resentment and pain, there is also a little man who does not understand why now you can’t talk about dad, see him, or just snuggle up to a big and strong, so dear, person in their life.

This is your and only your disassembly, children have the right to love both of you. Divorced - you, but not the children with their parents.

No need to ask unsolvable questions like who "do you love more?". By the way, it's not just parents who do this. My grandfather once thought to ask me that. The answer was 1-0 in favor of the granny, so he was also offended by her. Silly adult...

A few more words about how to explain the divorce of parents to a child. Do not humiliate the father in the eyes of children, because, growing up, we draw our own conclusions. And if you find a normal man instead of the “ever-drinking bastard with a new skirt”, you will not be grateful enough. Do not impose taboos or restrictions, there is always a way around them. It is better to let everything be open, but under control.

I'm not saying that men are all perfect. We are all different, and no one knows who will behave in such a situation. God forbid you go through this.

Hello dear readers! Alena Bortsova is with you. Autumn is a depressing time and brings back memories. Just now, my daughter is almost two years old, the same age as my son, when family life with her first husband went wrong. After suffering a little more, I decided “That's it. Tired. I'm leaving."

Mom then decided everything for herself, rented a room, took her son with her, filed for divorce. But for the baby, this situation is like a bolt from the blue. How to explain to a child that parents are getting divorced? What words to choose to say that we now live separately from the pope?

Divorce - as a way out

Two years old, five or twenty-five, the child always wants his parents to be next to him. Children's fear of divorce is often transformed in an adult into a fear of the death of mom and dad.

To be honest, I didn’t feel guilty when we left dad. I was 4 years old when my mother divorced, and all I felt was relief. Finally! No one will yell and run after us, no one will cry.

But I left my husband with a heavy heart. How to tell my son that we now live separately? Even though my husband was constantly on business trips, and when he arrived, he saw the meaning of rest in drinking, his son still loved him very much. He said the first word “daddy”, he always waited for the arrival.

My fault or merit? I so wanted dad and son to be close people! She constantly told how her father loves Andryusha, misses him. Suppose that when he arrived, the husband drank, he could simply turn around and leave, leaving the child alone on the street. In a drunken stupor he kicked us out. It seemed to me that if I would say, say, say that Tolik is good, it will be so.

Happened? No. Andryusha and I went to rented housing, at first the son even forgot to ask “why is there no dad?”. Kindergarten, a lot of new worries, other people around. How much does a three-year-old need to get distracted?

I didn't let myself forget. You know, many adults are extremely unceremonious, even kids like to ask us about family details. Therefore, I immediately put before ex-husband condition:

“I leave you a drill, and you communicate with the child!”

And he came, even stayed with Andryusha for a couple of hours. And then he disappeared for two long months.

To the questions “why doesn’t dad come?” I have always had an answer:

• He has a lot of work.
• You understand how important your father is, without him everything will go wrong at the construction site.
• Dad is very bored, he chooses a gift for you, he just can’t pick it up. What do you want more?
• When the weekend comes, we will go to visit grandma, and then we will decide how we can see dad.

I also bought various little things, gave them to my son, presenting them on behalf of his father. She called on her mobile, forced her ex-husband to talk to Andryusha.

Let your father not be with us - he is still your dad!

My position has always been different from the usual decisions of divorced women. When my friend screamed into the phone “You will never see a child! I forbid you to meet! ”, She was simply surprised. What for? What are the benefits of a ban? In my opinion, none.

I have spent many years force ex-husband communicate with the child. These are his parental responsibilities by law, by conscience, finally! What to do if the ex-spouse categorically does not want to see the child? Press on pain points:

• Call his mother: oh, you need to wash the windows there, let's come and help. You tell Tolya, let him come in, I haven't seen Andryusha for a long time.
• Threaten financially: you pay good alimony, well done. Although, you so rarely see Andryusha. Maybe demand from you payments for my maintenance? As long as you demand to refuse, at least the child will see you.

An adequate person can be persuaded, asked and promised. Dad did not leave the child, he broke up with mom. Advantages of communication between the baby and the father:

• Variety of activities.
• The opportunity to “breathe” with mom.
• The husband sees that the child is taken care of.
• The kid understands that both parents love him.

You can organize meetings anywhere: at home, let the child go to his father's home, go to the park. It was most convenient for us to communicate with the mother-in-law.

Is there a result!

I don’t know if I did everything right, but a positive result appeared only when the ex-husband met his second wife. She is eternally grateful!

We did not immediately establish neutrality, the stumbling point, of course, is the child of her husband, it will take a long time to talk about this. The only thing, I note, after Tolik began to live with her, he began to pay more attention to Andryusha. From our side, all meetings are encouraged. Rules apply:

• Do not discuss gifts.
• Do not judge, even if there were no gifts (two years even for a birthday, aaaaa!!!).
• Don't talk nasty things about your father: he's bad, he let him work at the circular! (the second dad discussed this situation with the first dad personally and asked not to give Andryusha dangerous tools).
• We always let you come, we always let you pick us up.
• Papa is always Papa. Just call him that.

My second husband also made a great contribution in support of the authority of his own father. Therefore, Andryusha never had the feeling that his father had abandoned him.

Family relationships are subtle structures, I hope my revelations will help someone build communication between an ex-husband and children. Peace to your families.

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Question to the psychologist:

Good day! The situation is the following. I am going to divorce my husband, a daughter was born in marriage, she is now 4.8 years old. I don’t know if it is necessary to indicate the reason for the divorce here, but in short, I’ll probably tell you. My husband is an addict (gambling, drug pills). She endured for a long time, hoping that he would change, give up all this for the sake of the family, but all in vain. The daughter grew up, seeing our spoiling relationship, quarrels, scandals, she drank pills with her, leaving them in a conspicuous place. He treated her well, but I did not see much zeal to spend time with her. Those. came home from work, hugged, lied and that's it. He never showed any initiative, even just to go for a walk with her. The situation turned in such a way that I had to leave the apartment where we lived together and where my daughter and I were registered, but he was not registered there. Now we live with my parents, in a completely different area (In the same city). But my daughter went to kindergarten, and therefore I want to return to the city, gradually get on my feet, get a job, rent an apartment. I did not think that, due to her age, she would ask me questions that were not childish at all regarding this situation, but rather, she was probably more afraid to answer them. I turned to you to help me understand if my daughter at that age understands what happened and how she sees it, the situation as a whole. What to say to her when she asks where her dad is, when will he arrive (a month has passed since our move, and he never even tried to call or come to us), why he does not come, when will we return home, where they lived, etc. This is the first time I've been in this situation, so I look forward to your advice. I will be very grateful.

The psychologist Lelyuk Alina Vladimirovna answers the question.

Olga, hello!

Divorce is a nuisance for adults and sometimes painful experiences for children. And to minimize stress, try to give your child as much time as possible. Talk and play. So that she does not have a feeling of no need for anyone. My dad is gone and my mom doesn't need me either. Now your child needs even more of your love, care and attention.

You need to talk to your child about this topic. In a calm atmosphere and together (without your parents). You need to say that mom and dad decided to live separately. To quarrel less and hurt each other in this way. That this sometimes happens when adults decide to live separately.

If you are not sure that you will get a divorce, say that for now it will be so, and then it will be seen. If you are 100% sure about the divorce, say so that it will always be so. At the same time, you do not need to go into details and tell your daughter how bad her dad is. He is bad for you. To her, he is a father.

Therefore, in the future, no matter what you feel for your husband, the child does not need to know about it. You don’t need to tell as much frankly how he offended you or how he behaved inappropriately. May he be good to her. Having matured, the daughter herself will understand everything and draw conclusions.

And ask your parents not to scold her dad in front of their daughter, not to discuss the details of your family life detailing how bad he was. Your daughter doesn't need to hear it.

So that the daughter does not have a feeling of guilt that she is bad or did something wrong and therefore dad left, it is necessary to say that mom and dad love her very much. Even after you live without a dad, dad will still love her. And you will love her very much too. And when dad can, he will come to her. At the same time, do not promise what you are not sure about.

Olenka, be prepared for the fact that the child will not immediately accept and understand everything that you tell. And from time to time, the daughter will return to this, ask questions. And you will need to answer the same questions over and over again as calmly and honestly as possible. Because children need time to figure out what happened to their parents.

If you have contact with your husband, agree on when and how often he will visit the child. Also about the fact that the two of you do not say nasty things to each other in front of a child. That none of you will turn the child against the other parent. Without interfering in this way with your daughter in your adult showdown.

“I turned to you to help me understand if my daughter at that age understands what happened and how she sees it, the situation as a whole” - children understand much more than we imagine. Or rather, they feel. And long before your decision to divorce, your daughter understood that something was wrong between her parents. Moreover, she was also present at your showdown.

Therefore, the child does not need to lie. You need to say enough for her to clarify the situation for herself. She loves her mom and dad equally. And she needs and it is important to know what happened. At this age, children can imagine that it is because of them that their parents quarrel. You need to say, as often as possible, that you and dad love her very much and will always love her.

Giving an oath of love to the grave, happy newlyweds cannot even imagine that they will have to leave much earlier - as a result of a divorce. There is nothing unusual about divorce itself, because not everyone can find a second half, and many, in the end, just try to adapt. It’s bad when children suffer from the actions of parents who decide to divorce, but how to explain to a child about the divorce of their parents and how to make the divorce less painful for him - this question is asked by many parents. A joint visit to a family psychologist can help with this, but you can solve this without involving a specialist, showing sensitivity and tact.

How to bring a child to the fact that parents are getting divorced - basic rules

Life often brings unexpected surprises, and even the most ideal families sometimes get divorced. The reasons for this are different - from the standard wording "dissimilarity in character" to the sexual dissatisfaction of partners. If you decide that you are not made for each other, have caught your partner in adultery and cannot step over yourself, it is time to forget about resentment and misunderstanding, and think about how to explain the divorce of your parents to your child. How emotionally he will perceive the message of divorce depends on the age of the child and how you present it, so do everything as the experts advise:

• Before deciding how to explain to the child that the parents are getting divorced, resolve this issue for yourself once and for all. Misunderstanding of the child will be caused by false information about the divorce, and it happens that your “family ship” just rocked a lot, but the rocking ended, and you decided to start all over again.
• What kind of mental trauma awaits a child who finds out about the divorce of his parents on the street, so it is better to present this information to him in a family conversation, especially if we are talking about teenagers who are especially sensitive to the separation of their parents.
• In order to understand how to properly explain the divorce of parents to a child, one should understand that at each age, children will have to explain this differently. If we are talking about the smallest, then they do not need to explain anything, children from three years old perceive everything emotionally, and for them the main thing is that everything goes quietly. Teenagers are another matter - they will have to explain everything, and abstract explanations in this case do not work, the reasons for the divorce will have to be explained, but this must be done delicately, carefully choosing words.
• If you don't know how to explain little child divorce of parents, it is worth, first of all, to observe the main rule - do not shout and do not quarrel among themselves. The child must see that the parents, no matter what, will continue to communicate and take care of him.
• Speaking about how to explain to a child why parents are getting divorced, you should remember that you should not blame each other in front of the child, especially since both are most often to blame for a divorce.
• Even if we are talking about divorce, do not forget to communicate with the child, praise him, as before, especially when it comes to teenagers, for whom the divorce of their parents can result in serious psychological problems.

In order to understand how to explain the divorce of parents to a child of 4,5,6,7,8 years old, the spouses must have a detailed conversation, during which the main issues of the further upbringing of the child must be resolved. How to explain to a child why you are getting a divorce - it is easier to answer this question if you have the same point of view during the preparatory conversation. In this case, the child must understand the main thing - he is still loved, and they family relationships will simply change, as a result of which the interests of the child will not suffer.

Often, mothers, not knowing how to explain to a small child that their parents are getting divorced, follow the “knurled” path, saying that dad is leaving for a while. Such a position is acceptable only if we are talking about small children whose consciousness is not yet sufficiently developed, but we must be prepared for the fact that in a year or two we will have to explain everything, and this will be more difficult to do.