Our story of reading began long ago. From an early age, and if to be ...
Anedots about the stock exchange and anecdotes about the stock market
Anedots about the stock exchange about the stock market, as well as anecdotes about Forex and traders
But what is this again behind the breakdown of the fractal according to Demark through Fibonacci !!! - thought the trader and swore dirty.
The stock broker is asked to explain what the stock game is all about. “Imagine,” he says, “that you buy a couple of rabbits and put them in one cage. After a while, you have six rabbits. You buy a bigger cage and transplant them there. After some time, you already have twenty of these rabbits. Buy more rabbits and soon you will have more than a hundred. - How simple! - the interlocutor is surprised. - Yes ... And then suddenly a flood, and all your rabbits died and you suffer from morning to night with the thought: "Damn it, why didn't I buy mirror carps!"
How to play and win on the stock exchange
First Rule of the Exchange. Who knows does not speak, who speaks does not know. Second Rule of the Exchange. If everyone thinks prices will rise, prices will not rise.
A hero-trader is driving along the road, he sees - in front of a fork, three roads, a stone, and on the stone there is an inscription:
"If you go to the left, you will get an elk, if you go to the right, you will get an elk, if you go straight, you will also get an elk." I began to think - where to go, if there is such an ambush everywhere. Here a voice from above: "Hey, decide quickly, otherwise you will get a moose right here !!!"
A mountain shepherd is standing, grazing sheep. Suddenly - a turntable sits down, a young man comes out of there, inimpeccable suit and tie. "Are you a shepherd? Silence." I want to tell you that you are herding sheep wrong. Look ... Pulls out a laptop, connects to the satellite. - You see? Here's a picture. Here you can clearly see that behind that slope the grass is greener and more juicy. Youdo you agree? I see that I agree. You need to drive the flock here. Would you like to be chosen ferry routes? Please! There are three routes. On this route, I immediately answer, you cannot go: you see, there are wolves.
Of the remaining two, this one is shorter, which means you are on it. As a fee, I take one sheep ... And he goes to the helicopter, but suddenly hears: - You've probably been engaged in consulting for a long time ... - Yes, but how do you know? - First of all, you appeared, although no one called. Va-vtaryh, you ask the questions yourself and answer them yourself. Thirdly, sabaku plots in the mesto ...
WHAT IS THE FOREX MARKET
Three analyst economists on the hunt. They see a big deer. One aims, shoots, missed - a meter to the left. The second - aims, shoots, missed - a meter to the right. The third analyst, without shooting: "Well, on average, we killed him!"
The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes do not coincide ...
Two traders went on a hot air balloon trip. Suddenly a strong wind blew, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below: - Hey, buddy, tell me, where did we end up? - You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground. - The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. Looks like we met an exchange analyst ?! - Yes. And you, probably, traders, you never know where you are.
There are 2 financial analysts: - Hey, what's going on? - I can explain ... - I can also explain. WHAT HAPPENS ??? !!!
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Why did you decide to work on the exchange? Do you have experience or an economic education? - Well, I watched "The Wolf of Wall Street".
Dad, I want to be a trader.
Only through my stupidity.
Well, in general, then, I have already leaked 100 pieces on the exchange ...
My daughter says to her mother - Mom, I'm getting married to a trader!
Mother - Have you gone crazy, today he is rich, and tomorrow is poor, it is better for an analyst he is always in
"chocolate"!
The trader returned home drunk after the party and said to his wife: - Bring the basin, now I will puke. My wife brought a basin, set it up and waited, it took 5 minutes, she: - Well, come on already. - Sorry, dear, but the trend turned sharply - I fucked up!
John Rockefeller dreamed of earning $ 100 thousand and living to be 100 ... but he earned $ 318 billion and died at 97. Not all dreams come true ...
A Jew died - a banker. Relatives swarm around the coffin. It's time to start the funeral process, and they all do not stop their fuss. The steward enters the room. Manager: - what's the problem? Its time to begin. Some of the relatives: - Oh, you understand, the late Izya Markovich in his will asked to put all his money in his coffin. We have already rammed them, but they still do not fit. Manager: - oh, sho, you do not know what to do? Write him a check!
The journalist asks Soros:
George, did your wife instruct you these horns?
No ... stock exchange ...
- Did you play for the rise?
No ... "moose" caught
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Two traders leave the stock exchange, one in shorts, the other completely naked. Naked says what incowards: -That's Vasya, for which I respect you, you can stop in time.
What is a default? A default is when you order a foreign exchange prostitute, who also charges in hryvnia at the exchange rate, and after one hour there is not enough hryvnia to pay off.
The trader is lying on the couch, doing nothing, laziness is shorter. Lost the day before to ashes ... on colaflew out ... In the crowbar vashsche move ... He lies to himself and looks out the open window. And he thinks: "Now, if a fly flies into the window for a minute, then I will become rich and great ..." Wait ... half a minute passes ... does not fly ... 45 seconds pass ...
The man is already nervously swinging his leg ... 50 seconds pass, he is already sweating ... And then at the 53rd second such a fat fly flies in ... Trader smiled happily, sighed with relief, closed his eyes and fell asleep ...
A new Russian attended lectures on stock trading and called a friend: - Kolyan, I attended a course on stock trading, so imagine, the lecturer said that stocks do not grow without
kickbacks. It turns out that here, too, you will have to spend money on kickbacks - complete chaos!
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It's nice to look at the sea! You look at the shore and there - rollback after rollback ...
Spring dialogue. - And no one noticed the connection between the air temperature and the dollar rate? - But there is a connection between the dollar exchange rate and cranial pressure and adrenal function ...
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Two traders stand near the toilet and one asks the other: - Are you going long or short?
Two stock speculators: - Now I cannot sleep from this crisis. - And I sleep like a child. - Can not be! - Yes, every hour I wake up and cry!
- Hello Vladimir!
I, chewing convulsively, hum into the pipe ...
- Alo-alo, Vladimir, can you hear me?
I almost finished chewing ...
- Vladimir, why are you silent?
I finally finished and say:
- Mouth busy)
The client just killed me on the spot, he asked:
- LONG ???
Like this, then they laughed for a long time)))
History in the fitness center
My story: I am a sales manager at a fitness center. A normal working day, I go out to meet a client, show the club, present club cards ... After a short communication, one might say, at the moment of making a decision, the client cautiously asks me: “When can I discuss my purchase with the manager, I would like to talk to him too talk? "
PS: In the evening, when I took off my badge, I saw that it was not mine. It read: "Irina, masseur." Apparently she left it on my table, it happens with us ...
Case with a colleague
The incident happened to my colleague. As a rule, managers have at hand in addition to phone and e-mail a number of different messengers.
There are a lot of contacts, and this is one of the most quick ways respond to the client's question. So, one of the working days my colleague received a question in ICQ about a request for components. The question came from a friend named Igor. Exactly the same request came to my colleague in the morning by email. mail.
My colleague has a friend who works in the same field as us, and his name is Igor. 100% sure that this request was from his client, my colleague writes to his friend in ICQ that he received this request from a client today, and why, in fact, he is interested in this request. To which he received the answer that it was he who sent this request and decided to clarify how things were going there.
My colleague was a little confused, but refused to surrender. Being an impulsive person (and communication with a friend was informal), my colleague, feeling that he was being bred, went on the offensive. With the words “Why are you here for me…. Shh, you definitely didn’t send this request ”- he threw a lot of indignation at Igor. But on the other side of the screen, a response wave of indignation went, they say so and so, but I sent it, etc., with the same turns and embellishments of Russian speech.
Ten minutes of verbal skirmish could have continued for a long time, but then my colleague received a message in ICQ and the window blinked. Opening it, he saw that his friend Igor had written to him, and on the other side of the screen, there was just a client who sent the request. It was then that the realization of what had happened came. After all, yesterday my colleague, sending contacts to a new client after tel. call, indicated one of the means of communication - ICQ. The client decided to quickly resolve the issue, but that was not the case ... 😀 I had to, of course, apologize to the chief engineer of the enterprise Igor Petrovich, but this is one of our best customers.
Wall Street Stories
Wall Street Stories
An adventurous and successful Wall Street trader hung a horseshoe over his desk "for good luck." Colleagues laugh: "Boy, do you really believe in such prejudices?" "Well, of course not. But they say this thing works whether you believe in it or not!"
There are three homeless beggars sitting on Wall Street in New York. One found a cardboard and wrote on it: "bum". By the evening he was given 3 dollars 5 cents. The second took the cardboard and wrote: "bum.com". By evening, he had a laptop and a 256K channel. And the third wrote: "e-bum". Microsoft immediately awarded him a million dollar contract to develop the e-bum-Millenium e-commerce project. By evening, all of New York was talking about him. Oracle announced 100% support for e-bum technology. VISA and Europay announced the start of promotion of joint brands with the e-bum company. During the night, the companies "HighTech-e-bum", "CyberBroker-e-bum", "OnLineTrader-e-bum" and "Mobil-e-bum-Telecom" were urgently created. In the morning on stock exchanges all over the world there was a landslide fall of all non-"e-bum" companies ....
A new trader gets a job in a financial company. At the interview he is asked: - Why were you fired from your previous job? - For health. - What did you hurt? - My boss was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. This could not go on for a long time, one of us had to leave.
In New York, a stock market analyst died in extreme poverty. His comrades, brokers and traders, decided to organize a fundraiser for the poor fellow's funeral. One buck each. Upon learning of this, the President of the New York Stock Exchange exclaimed: "One dollar for the funeral of an analyst? !!! Here's a check for $ 10,000 and bury them all!"
The famous American banker John P. Morgan in 1929, a few days before the stock market crash, managed to get rid of almost all the shares he owned. The US Congress Commission suspected Morgan of using inside information and market manipulation. The banker explained that he was helped to save his capital from the crisis by a shoe shiner who, while cleaning his shoes, inquired about the prospects for the shares of the railway company, which he bought. “When a shoe shiner comes to the market, the professionals have nothing else to do on it,” the financier decided.
A broker of a small investment company, reading the latest financial news, says to his colleague: - Look, another financial giant fell, and this one also covered up, ... and he went bankrupt. So soon we will enter the top ten leaders.
Announcement: We will hire a trader, gender and age do not matter, salary is very high, free work schedule, vacation - anywhere in the world, at any time. Condition: Buy cheaper, sell more.
New York. Noon. Heat. Old Jew Moishe sells seeds on the marble staircase of the Bank of New York. They turn to him: "Moishe. Lend." “It’s not possible,” he replies. “We have an agreement with the Bank of New York." "I don’t lend, and Bank of New York doesn’t sell seeds!"
A politician, a thug and a trader got to hell.
The politician asks Satan to call, they say, how is my country, my people.
Satan holds out a mobile phone - call. The politician talked quickly for 5 minutes, found out everything, returned the mobile.
How much?
5 million ...
Popereschal, but wrote a check.
The bandyuk asks the brothers to call - please!
I phoned in a couple of minutes.
How many?
10 million ...
Nothing to do, I had to pay.
The trader says: "Give me a call, you need to talk to colleagues."
I chatted about 15 hours about quotes, about futures, about shoulders, about the situation on the market, and even the topic of boobs did not forget to discuss. Fought off, asks: "How much from me?"
Devil: "Ten bucks with a change, forget it, forgive."
The politician with the bandyuk yelled: "What the hell, what the hell!"
And Satan says, "Calls from Hell to Hell are billed as local."
Conversation between two traders:
What are you reading?
Elliott Wave Theory.
What's upside down?
What's the difference…
Guessed the entry point ... But ..., wrong with the direction.
You can easily make a small fortune on the stock exchange if you have a large one.
The market bottomed out ... and started digging.
Oh, this carry trade!
I understand you so!
No, you don’t understand!
I understand perfectly.
You don't understand, you don't even have a deposit.
Yesterday was still !!!
Trader at the hairdresser. The hairdresser asks:
Normalizes.
After a while, the hairdresser asks again:
Well, how is the situation on the stock exchange?
Normalizes.
After another 5 minutes, the situation repeats itself. Finally, the trader breaks down and wonders why he is asking the same thing all the time.
The hairdresser:
Because your hair on your head stands on end, it is convenient to cut.
Two traders went on a hot air balloon trip. Suddenly a strong wind blew, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below:
Hey buddy tell me where we got to
You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground.
The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. It looks like we
met an exchange analyst ?!
Yes. And you, probably, traders, you never know where you are.
A trader on a racing motorcycle rushes along the track: he overtook one car - showed the fact, the other overtook - showed the fact several times. Approaching a railway crossing, and there a semaphore signals the approach of a train. The trader is on the brakes, but does not have time to stop and just bumps into the closing barrier. The motorcycle flies out from under it under the train and turns into a cake. The trader hangs on the barrier and thinks: "Don't give a damn about the forced closing ..."
If they called at your door and said that they came with a warrant.
Be sure to specify with which one, Stop-Loss or Take-Profit.
If the callers have neither one nor the other, do not open the door.
Once on the American stock exchange, shares appeared at a price of 1 cent.
Broker bought. The next day, the same shares cost 2 cents. The American reasons - "while I keep them at home, maybe they will grow up even more ..." And for sure - the next day the shares are already 3 cents.
An American calls his broker:
Sell \u200b\u200burgently!
The wife asks her husband-trader:
Dear, we have been living together for so many years, and I just can't understand what you are doing?
Well, look - he answers. - We decided to breed rabbits, bought rabbits, cages, all the rest of the "tops". And at night there was a flood, and all the rabbits drowned ...
Here we sit in the morning and think, why didn't we buy fish yesterday? "
The broker is in a fever. The doctor tells him: "You have a temperature of 37.5!"
An hour later: "It's already 38!"
An hour later: "38 and a half!"
The broker, barely moving his lips: "Will be 39 - sell!"
In the life of every person there may come a moment when any paper will be valuable.
Grandfather and grandson are sitting, drinking juice. Mom comes in:
You heard that American stocks went up again.
And you buy our shares, why should our shares rise in price?
My dog \u200b\u200breminds me of our analyst. - ??? - Constantly digging something, while looking at me with smart eyes and can not explain anything ...)))))))))
The analyst and the trader come to the races. The trader runs to the window to place a bet, and the analyst says that he needs to first learn the rules, calculate the betting technique, track trends, analyze information ...
You are too theoretical!
After the race, the shining trader takes profits. An astonished analyst approaches him. Trader:
Everything is very simple. I saw through the technique!
And what is she like?
Everything is very simple. I have two children, three and five years old. I just added up their ages, got nine and bet on this horse!
But five and three will be eight !?
Well, I'm telling you, you think too theoretically!
A new trader gets a job in a financial company.
At the interview he is asked:
Why were you fired from your previous job?
For health.
What did you hurt?
My boss was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. This could not go on for a long time, one of us had to leave.
Hello! We are starting the seminar "How to make a million rubles in one day."
A question to the audience. How much was a ticket to the seminar?
One thousand rubles.
How many seats are there in this room?
I hope everyone understands everything. Thank you, the workshop is over.
The mathematician is asked:
What is the likelihood that, going outside now, you will meet Napoleon?
The mathematician surrounded himself with reference books, calculators, computers, locked himself in a room for three days and gave the answer:
Approximately 0.000001 percent.
The same question was asked to an experienced trader. The answer came immediately:
50 to 50, or a meeting or not.
The exchange rate of the dollar and the euro against the ruble will certainly stabilize - after all, it simply cannot increase every day.
Excuse me, are you sure the Minister of Finance?
Santa Claus is sitting in a snowdrift, beaten, wiping his tears. A passer-by asks: -What is wrong with you?
Yes, I went to congratulate the members of the hunter's club, wished them many, many large elk.
It turned out that the address was wrong. There traders walked ...
A drunken broker in a bar beckons a juicy blonde to him.
Darling, what will you answer me if I offer 100 bucks for the evening?
The answer would be<ДА>.
What if I only offer 10 bucks?
The answer would be<НЕТ>, asshole, are you holding me for a whore?
No, I'm just measuring the spread.
An old trader is sitting in front of the monitor, working. There will knock two points, here five, and so on all day. A young trader approaches him and lets criticize him: - Yes, how do you work, yes, you have no system, all you do is bullshit ... The old trader turns to him and says: - You know, I'm tired of being smart, I want some money.
The broker was drafted into the army ... and immediately thrown into a hot spot ...
There the commander gathers their group and says: "For each head of spirit brought, I will give you $ 50."
In the evening everyone returns, but the broker is not there ... Well, they decided that they had killed somewhere, mourned him and forgot.
Here ... a week later, a truck pulls up, a broker is driving, and the body is full of spirits. Everyone is in shock !!!
The commander, slightly recovering from the shock, says: “Look, we won't have that much money. Let’s not 50, but 25 I’ll pay you. ”
And the broker to him: “NOOOOTT !!! I just can't - I took 40 myself ...
The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes do not coincide ...
The client calls the investment company:
Idiots, buy me all the waste!
The trader was offended and went to the director, they say, the client is insulting. The director asks:
What is his account balance?
Million dollars.
Moron! Buy him RAO!
Two traders stand near the toilet and one asks the other:
Are you going long or short?
Stock statistics are like a swimsuit: What it reveals is very important. But what she hides is much more interesting.
Roman Abramovich sold his soul to the devil and with this money bought a place in paradise ...
The President speaks:
"This time we are ready for a new crisis, our foreign exchange reserves are strong, we are not in danger."
How do you like this experience? I think money is money, but you also need to relax. Offer your versions of anecdotes, jokes, stories, etc., the most interesting and funny, I will add in the next issue. Until next articles.
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