Get rid of the "Good Girl" complex. Typical History of "Good Girl" How to get rid of obedient girl syndrome

Sometimes we do everything for others. We spend so much strength, we give yourself. And in response? No thanks! Is it really so difficult to just say "Thank you"?

Perhaps you should not make good actions for people, because they would never have done something like me? Tired. It's time to become the same. Like them to me, so I am.

Every time we come to this conclusion. Already read a large number of literature, where they teach "no". But it is worth someone once again we have anything to ask us, and we undertake to fulfill his request, completely forgetting all learned advice. It is better to agree, then to experience a hard sense of guilt and suffer from what you do not like.

You will do something for a person, and on the moment it becomes easier. And then a feeling of resentment and injustice arises, an understanding comes that the act made a contraction with our own interests. We again took advantage of and forgotten.

It seems so it was always since childhood. Everyone is just waiting for how to use our kindness and reliability for their own purposes. It's time to stop it. It's time to learn to refuse! But how to do that? How to become bad?

Who is a good girl?

Before answering these questions, you need to figure out why it happens? Why do some people can not refuse any request, try to please our best?

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan calls such behavior complex Good girl. As this science explains about the mental, this complex is inherent in the owners of anal visual bunch of vectors.

The vector is a set of congenital properties and the desires of a person who is responsible for its preferences, image of thinking, system of values \u200b\u200band behavior. A modern man has a middle-five-five vectors. Some of them create sustainable bundles that are manifested by certain life scenarios.

There are people who the nature awarded the phenomenal memory. They need humanity to accumulate acquired experience and knowledge and transfer them to future generations. They become good teachers and teachers, professional professionals, experts. We are talking about people with an anal vector.

These are responsible, decent people who want to be good in everything. And people with anal visual vectors especially. In childhood, these are the most obedient, "golden" children.

First, for children with an auditorial vector, like anyone else, emotional connections with mom are important, so they are ready for everything, if only these links were not interrupted. These are very emotional children who hardly tolerate the mother's coldness or ignoring.

Secondly, the value of the anal vector is a positive assessment of actions, praise, especially from mom, because the mother for them is not less value. Therefore, they make every effort to delight mom and get honored praise.

But sometimes adults abuse praise, praise undeservedly or, on the contrary, is not praised deservedly, using the desire of a child in all of their own purposes. Resorting to the manipulation of praise, parents produce endorphin dependence in their Chad. Such a person and in adulthood will seek to please others.

We are all different

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan says that for a person with anal vector it is important that everything is equally equal. If he did something, put efforts, it means that these efforts should be appreciated.

We look at other people through ourselves, we believe - what is valuable and important to us is as important for other people. For example, for us, praise and gratitude are valuable, and we believe that for all it is. But for others it can be quite different.

For example, people with skin vector are not accustomed to saying "Thank you", because they act from the benefit of benefits. The best gratitude for them is expressed by something material. And people with a sound vector in difficult conditions may not hear us, do not pay any attention to others.

When people behave not as we expect, we are offended by them. It is not clear to us, as you can not thank or not praise for a good deal. Offense Do not give us to live calmly.

But at the same time, when it seems to us that we do too much for people, that it is time to stop, and refuse something, a heavy sense of guilt flashes in us. Even when we do something not good for others, we are inconvenient. Life is obtained in permanent skewers: first they are offended by what we use, then we suffer from a sense of guilt that they did not. It delivers huge discomfort and spoils life.

In the auditorium, the reason for the desire to please everyone may also be an increased significance of emotional ties. People with an anal visual bundle of vectors may seem to seem that if they are not good and good with everyone, they will not love them that for them is a big stress.

How to find a way out

We can not change themselves or others. What to do? How to live with this? It is bad - not a way out of the position. After all, this will not solve the problem, but only worsen our state.

The output shows the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. First of all, you need to understand yourself, your desires and aspirations. Realizing where the need for someone else's approval came from, we begin to understand what moves us at such moments. And we, without needing praise, do not strive to please everyone. We also begin to love themselves, and not look for all love and approval towards yourself.

In training on system-vector psychology, Yuri Burlana, children's injuries are being worked out, the mechanisms of our behavior are becoming understandable, the complex is a good girl. This is told about the reviews of the people who have passed the training.

Individual consultation. Beautiful woman sits in front of me, without exaggeration. In the process of the conversation, it turns out that she is also clever, and professional at work. What do I see? This beautiful girl is deeply unhappy, terribly dissatisfied with itself and absolutely disoriented. Excerpt from dialogue:

"I don't understand what I still have to do that he be satisfied?".
- "Why is it so important for you to be satisfied?" -i ask.
- "You do not understand, I want to feel good! After all, good love! " -with tears says girl.

This phrase "I want to be good!" I hear often, but on the question: "What does it mean to be good for you?" I have never received a clear answer. More often my customers are responsible for this: "So that he (she, they) is pleased."

This is a story about the "Good Girl" syndrome. Although, put the hand on the heart, I will say that the "good boy" syndrome is also often found.

Let's figure it out, what is a "good girl"?

"Good girl" - how is it?

In childhood, with feelings and desires of this girl, they were not particularly considered, and if they were considered, in a negative key, with censures, comments and reproaches. Another option when the waiting for the parents is so high that the child is forced to become perfect. So to speak, to justify hopes at any cost.

As a result, a little girl refused his own feelings, from her desires and preferences. If you can say so, it turned away from his individuality, nature, from the true "I" to first please the parents, and then recoup this scenario and with other people.

What does this lead to? Unfortunately, the desire to please faith with the desire to be beloved. As a rule, there is a durable bunch: be good to earn love.

Feel whether there is a difference between these models:

- "I do something just like that because I am pleased to do it, I'm not waiting for nothing in return";

"I do something, and in the depths of the soul, and maybe quite consciously, I expect that I will praise, they will treat me well, will love me."

The problem is that these expectations are not justified ...

"Good girl" believes: You can only handle someone. Refusing to herself, she seems to be sacrificing, waiting for the same and from others. When this expectation is not justified, the "good girl" is experiencing anger, often not aware, covered with wine and thought: "Apparently, I do something wrong, something is wrong with me."

Separately, you need to say a few words about what "right" and "wrong". These words form for a "good girl" the notorious coordinate system in which she is unsuccessful trying to navigate. But how can this be done if the internal compass of his own feelings and sensations is blocked?

And here we approached the question about what to do? How to cope with this syndrome?

Syndrome "Good Girl": how to get rid of?

As it would be terribly none of the "good girls", but they first need to choose themselves.

We all know the Christian commandment "Love your neighbor, like yourself," to love your neighbor, you must first love yourself. To deal with your feelings and learn to speak about them, pay attention to feelings and learn to listen to them. And finally, to understand: what do I want, what I dream about? And then proceed to the implementation of your plans.

Of course, it will first be difficult and scary, because the "good girl" has never done so before. Maybe she will face the rejection of his environment, but it should not stop it. Because everyone does not please, there will always be the one for whom it will be "indecent good." But this step will help her to find herself, maybe a completely unfamiliar, and therefore even more attractive.

And most importantly, if the "good girl" inside will be well, then it will be really good with it.

10 steps to a new life for all "good girls"

Step number 1. Listen to yourself, because others can be mistaken on what is better for you.

Step number 2. Always follow your opinion.

Step number 3. Love your friends, but be free from them.

Step number 4. Do what you really like. To do this, you need to do deep work and understand what you like exactly, and not to relatives, surroundings, society.

Step number 5. Travel, it will expand the circle of communication and allow to appear to new people in your life.

Step number 6. Believe in what you are really close, and feel free to talk about it.

Step number 7. Remember that life will ever end. Live it 100%.

Step number 8. Live in the present.

Step number 9. Take people as they are. They have their own way, and he is worthy of respect.

Step number 10. Rejoice yourself and others when you want to do it.

As soon as you start returning to yourself, listening to your feelings and desires, then in surprise, find that love has become more. You suddenly understand what you know exactly what you want to do and in what direction to move.

As one of my clients said: "Everyone seems to open me. I'll just think about something, and I have the opportunity to implement it. Feeling himself truly happy.

I sincerely wish you to experience this feeling!

Often you write women that can not understand why they do not have a relationship with a man.

They do everything for him, they are listening to everything, they refused themselves, their interests, girlfriends, if only cute was calm and satisfied (although his emotional state is not connected with the refusal of a woman from his normal life), and he is all does not love and does not apply to them as they want.

Often happens on the contrary:
the man begins to change, humiliate, beat, does not appreciate.

This is happening because it is the root incorrect position in the relationship.

But there is inside a woman - little girlwhich she was in childhood and which did not receive an adequate experience of close relationships. She could not deserve love and approval of parents (often the most traumatic is the attitude of the mother). Because it was impossible with those parents that she has or were.

This painful part of reality, which is very difficult to accept, as is. But necessary. In order for the woman to stop himself to blame in what no guilt is. And this adoption will be the beginning of the transformation of the sensation - "I am bad, I am guilty in everything, I have nothing to love for."

In this way, In relations with mom and in relations with men, the same scenario is played.Feelings and painful experiences inevitably rise. A desire to remake the partner. A woman has an unconscious expectation that the partner can change anger to mercy, if you are good. And endless running begins in a circle - approval and acceptance is unattainable.

And this is a very painful experience. A man continues to be worse and worse. In the internal I. outdoor world It turns onto the scene Victim. A woman begins to feel the victim of circumstances, injustice of life. The impotence comes and the rage, with which it is difficult to touch. Therefore, the partner becomes a reflection of rage on parents, on mom - for what was bad.

So what is a good girl complex?
These are the feelings that live according to a specific scenario.

The child has a deep need - feel good for his parents. There is a huge sincere wound from the child's rejection by the parent, from non-acceptance and destructive criticism.

Parents can travel themselves for various reasons:

• narcissism
• mental violations
• destructive lifestyle,
• its own children's traumatization, with which in adulthood, they did not solve interact, so they disclose their entire inner negative into the child.

They see the "Savior" in the child, but as a growing individual person, they do not perceive it. And it is very sad.

A great desire to be good for mom with dad is a nucleus of a good girl complex. This core is rolled, strongly charged. Feelings in this core explosive. There is also a feeling of gravity and powerlessness. "Memories" about events that confirm - yes, I am bad for parents are spinning around this nucleus. This sensation is fixed in the body very firmly, so it is so difficult to free himself.

And the need to be good, even if not realized, requires its satisfaction. Because it is one of the key.

This is hunger on warmth, love, attention and caress of parents.
And it needs to somehow satisfy. Otherwise, unbearably.

Remember when you want to eat, but there is no meal nearby, you have to endure for a long time. How do you feel from this?

So when you are next to a man you feel Emotional hungerYou really want warmth and ready to do everything to get a bit of attention. This attention is perceived unconsciously confirmation that you are that you are alive. And, unfortunately, the quality of this attention is the "low variety".

In your head there is already a neural connection - "in order to get attention and heat, it is necessary to abandon your desires, it is necessary to infinitely prove its" prettier "."

It's a vicious circle. This is a circle circle. Therefore, when you want love, a good relationship - you unconsciously, automatically start behaving on a specific scenariowhich is managed by your complex a good girl, that is, feelings, emotions, feelings in the body, your past experience that you lived repeatedly. You do not even need to remember it. You live in it every day.

The main manifestations of the complex "Good Girl"

• Sacrifice. You suffer a bad attitude (in the family, at work, in society).
• The impossibility of protecting yourself, the experience of humiliation.
• You are very easy to manipulate.
• The total sense of guilt to which you sometimes cannot find a real rationale.
• Designation, rejection of goods and development.

And exit from this complex:

• awareness,
• healing feelings
• changes in body feelings
• new installations and beliefs in your thinking,
• the person who will be near. It will take you as you are, and will help heal your injury.

Start care about yourself. You are already quite good. Strive to be good first for yourself. Then you will find an understanding that you can not be "good" or "bad" - And just ourselves.

You, which is what is - worthy of the best. This is just a fact.
And this is the reality that you do not feel yet - but it is.
It's time to say no past experience. And choose new experience. This is the way.

New experience you can create in the analytical process, along with a psychologist. And gradually postpone him to relationships with the surrounding people. You will be started to attract completely different people - benevolently tuned to you.And you can afford not to communicate with those who are not worthy of you.

You will gain what your soul seeks - the feeling of good, regardless of the attitude towards you with other people. This will give you the strength not to roll in a relationship in the abyss of suffering and humiliation.

You will learn appreciate himself.And feel your own uniqueness!

Many weak floor representatives face such a problem as a good girl syndrome. This syndrome is subject to both small girls and women of old age.

Complex manifest as in childhood so more

Causes of syndrome

Completed complex in childhood. Then the child receives installations that contribute to the formation of the image of a good girl:

• be modest;
• do not move the elders;
• be obedient, polite, etc.

In most cases, in the formation of this complex to blame for mom. In order to earn her love mom, attract her attention, the girl should bring good assessments from school, wash the dishes, to clean and only after all this could hear in his address of the word praise. The girl has firmly rooted conviction: In order to love you, you need to be good, to give people what they expect from you, forgetting about their feelings and needs. This children's model of behavior is a girl with him in adulthood: seeks to please everyone, in return to get care and attention, approval around others. The background is your own choice, value, desires.

Need to do something to love you - one of the signs of the syndrome

Risk group

To a greater extent, this complex is expressed in women, but he did not bypass the men. "Good boy" often grows thanks to the upbringing of an authoritarian mother. In adult life, such a man is constantly looking for women's approval, he seeks to do it correctly, to be good for everyone, even if it contradicts its principles. A good boy complex is a problem that can significantly spoil the life of a man.

A man loses temperament, it is uncomfortable in a male company, he will prefer communication in a female society. These are men who allow a woman to take over in a relationship, removing all the responsibility for making any decisions. They are afraid of quarrels and conflict situations, because because of this, they will lose dignity in the eyes of others.

Symptoms of a good girl complex

There are a number symptoms that accompany the complex of a good girl:

1. Everyone likes to please and please. Without this, the woman does not feel its value for others.
2. Public opinion. Without it, "a good girl" does not represent its existence, this opinion should be high, the criticism in this case is unacceptable and causes only negative emotions.
3. Inability to say the word "no". Even if it goes against your desires.
4. The feeling that you should someone should: husband, parents, children, chief.
5. All good. Regardless of whether the situation is comfortable or not, the "good girl" will tolerate it and swim downstream until the problem is solved by itself.
6. Fear offend someone. A woman suffering from this complex is trying to do everything so as not to offend the other. And if he offends someone, it will be tormented by the remorse of conscience, internal torments will not end.
7. Negative emotions against others are a ban. No malice, aggression, envy.
8. Feeling guilt. He considers himself not good mother, wife, employee.
9. It is necessary for the approval of loved ones. "Good girl" can not be rejected by his achievements, it is rejoicing only the approval of others.

Methods of combating complex

First of all, a woman needs to realize that she has problems. It is very important to get rid of the need to be good and striving to everyone. Start to act according to the instructions:

1. Understand, you are worthy of love and respect and you can only love for what you are, and not looking for a reason for love for you, learn to accept love.
2. Improving self-esteem is an effective way In the fight against the complex "Good Girl". Start working on yourself and you will understand that you do not need to approve others.
3. A woman who knows the price, in principle, cannot suffer with a "good girl" syndrome. This is a woman who appreciates his inner world and desire, lives his inner sensations. Conclusion - Start appreciate yourself.
4. Learning to say "no" if you do not want something to learn how to defend your interests and desires.
5. Learn to calmly perceive criticism in your address and recognize your mistakes.
6. Mil will not be all. Do not strive for everyone likes, strive to like yourself.
7. Learn to listen to your desires, understand what you want, and not what imposes you the voice of conscience.
8. Feel free. Live for yourself.

Psychological solution of the problem

Syndrome can manifest itself in the form of obedience

The problem of system-vector psychology will be helped in solving the problem. In it, the psychology of a person is represented by eight vectors:

• anal;
• urethral;
• skin;
• muscular;
• visual;
• sound;
• oral;
• olfactory.

Being obedient is the manifestation of the psychological characteristics of the anal vector. People struggling to be obedient to get praise from others. People of the visual vector are very impressionable, love to attract attention to themselves. The combination of these two vectors "gives birth" to people who are pronounced the "Good Girl / Boy" complex. When raising children with this vector, parents must understand that the obedient child does not need to learn to obey, he knows how and loves to do it.

The main thing is that obedience not to rearranged in an uncontrolled desire to please - in the "Good Girl" syndrome and a "good boy."

This may lead to the fact that the child will become an easy victim of any kind of manipulation.

Conclusion

You can leave not one week and not even one month to fight the complex "Good Girl". Because the problem was formed not in one day. Seeing the first results, you will understand how much your life is transformed. You realize that you have internal freedom Selection, feel harmony with the outside world. Your life will become filled positive emotionsYou will realize that happiness consists not only to please someone, but also to be able to live for yourself and get pleasure from it.

In almost every woman, a "good girl" lives, trying to be comfortable and trouble-free, that is why we are more often than men, suffering from migraine and depression. "Good girls fall into paradise, and bad - where they want" - the headline of the book of a psychologist Ute Erhard became the slogan of those who want freedom and happiness.

Following the German problem, domestic psychologists became interested in the challenge. On the Internet it is easy to find a number of benefits and trainings on how to get rid of the "Good Girl" complex, how to stop constantly trying to justify someone's expectations, play a role, and not live.

Where does a strange mask come from

Obviously, we do not think about how to reliably limit ourselves from freedom of self-expression, success in the career, popularity and happiness. As a child, parents, relatives, educators and teachers direct us to a doubtful way of sacrifice. Sometimes they sincerely want goodness to us, trying to inspire the rules of "future wife and mothers" and speaking of obedience, the need to give up, the ability to understand and respect for the elders. Sometimes they, not realizing, simply broadcast the same convictions - "We need to drink milk, it is useful", "the raised children inferior to the old men", "it is impossible to argue with the teacher, it knows better." But in most cases, adults are just trying to make children they do not interfere, were "comfortable."

And the behavior that does not cause hassle does not imply a discussion nor independent decision-making, nor tastes that do not correspond to the "sample". Boys allow more, fearing that they will not grow strong and courageous if they walk along the string and obeyively obey. Girls were less lucky. Over the years, girls are increasingly getting used to act as they once said, constantly seek the approval of others, not stand out, depend on parents, and then from her husband.

An ideal employee who is constantly adding work, but do not increase salaries. An ideal colleague, whom everyone exploit and no one respects. An ideal niece that always throws up its affairs and helps aunt. The ideal daughter who chooses the institute is married, gives birth and raises children in accordance with the opinion of the mother. The ideal interlocutor, whom no one listens, but everyone uses like a "vest." Perfect wifewhich consists by the fact that she "neck" from the "husband-head" and tolerate any forms of family violence. An ideal friend, polite, smiling and trouble-free. The ideal sacrifice that is actually ...

What is she really a good girl?

First of all, a nice girl does not allow themselves to grow up. Periodically, she herself feels the discrepancy between the role, which is forced to play and true desires. A good girl is not lucky - she becomes the prey of scammers, the lazy and deceivers go on it, it is often hammed, she is cheated in stores and are poorly serviced everywhere, where only you can - on this relevant people provokes an existing look.

A good girl is trying to deliver everyone pleasure and take care of each, and her willingly exploit, but no one appreciates it and it is not interested in it, she is not a soul of the company in life and not a valuable frame at work. Over the years, a nice girl ceases to believe that she can like, believe in their own strength, make independent steps. And at the same time a good girl sincerely hopes for gratitude. That her victims will be seen and evaluated to the fact that she will rain with repulsive love, friendship and respect. After all, it was always praised precisely for submissive silence and told about Cinderella, rewarded for patience and sacrifice.

Real "reward" for the diligent suppression of emotions, which are considered "bad" chronic fatigue, insomnia, migraine and depression. This is how the true, quite normal feelings, and still hysteries, attacks of anger because of trifles, nervous disruptions, nightmares and phobias.

Stop playing this role!

If the problem of "good girl" knows you not to be a bit - it's time to grow up, stop being comfortable and becoming happy. Re-read the tale about Cinderella. Did she gain success and happiness while was modest and inconspicuous, sacrificed, worked for wear and received reproach instead of gratitude? Not. Her new life Began from the bold step, with escape from the house, with the appearance of in society, with a beautiful dress and flirting. Of course, Cinderella has changed with the help of fairies - but you are smarter and more educated the heroine of fairy tales and can itself become a fairy.

What threatens an independent and free woman who does not turn his life in the adjustment under the surrounding? Nothing wrong! If someone considers them "bad", they do not pay attention because happy and loved. And no one dies from their intelligent egoism, and the world around does not collapse from the fact that they allow themselves to be real.

Tell me "No"

The most difficult and most necessary, which will have to learn the former "good girl" - it is to refuse to people: firmly, but not offended.

Psychologist of Varvara Popova says:"In order for your" no "sounded confidently and definitely, believe me in your refusal. You should not feel guilty for your right not to fulfill the desires of the other. If you have time, but the causing - no, you do not have to help him: His inability to count on time and strength is not your problem. If you are trying to manipulate and put pressure on pity - complain about, and what, is it all perfect?

Make a compliment to the interlocutor: "This is a wonderful option, but I can not realize it." This is a great thought / idea, but ... "," You feel so thin, I think you understand perfectly ... ". Refusing concisely, briefly calling the reason, but without going into details and not justifying. If a person insists because you used that you always agree to fulfill the request, do not hesitate to repeat the refusal: "I understood you / you, but I can't, because ...". You can repeat three times so that the interlocutor understands - you really give up his offer / request.

And it doesn't matter what exactly you are afraid, anger, resentment, revenge, something else, it is important that fear makes you once again step up on your desires and needs. Do not try to suppress fear, select the way "I'm afraid, but I do." Admit to yourself: "Yes, I'm afraid" - and tell me "no!".

This will be the first step towards a "good girl" to a happy woman. "