Decision of married conflicts. Family conflicts: ways to overcome. How to solve these problems

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

Any intramearial situation can theoretically be conflict. It depends solely from the behavior of spouses during the conflict.

When partners acutely react to any contradiction and try to prove their right point, we are dealing with conflict. However, if the complex situation is discussed calmly and goodly, the spouses seek reconciliation, and not to find out who is right, and who is to blame, then the seriousness of the conflict is significantly reduced.

Three most unsuccessful behavior tactics for family conflict:

1. Position of a third-party observer.

An example of a conflict in the family: the wife discovered a complete indifference to a broken crane. She is silent waiting for her husband guess to take tools! Most often, waiting is dragged and explosion.

2. Open conflict.

Another unsuccessful way to resolve the conflict: a quarrel with reproaches, mutual claims and insults.

3. Stubborn silence.

This method is in mutual stubborn silence, when both sides are offended by each other, but no one goes to the discussion. In this case, spouses mastering a feeling of pity, anxiety and insult.

All of the above behaviors do not contribute to resolving problems in relationships. In order for the family to become a reliable rear for spouses, they must receive moral and psychological support from each other. To make mutual trust, it is important to be able to listen, understand and go to each other towards.

Good conflict resolution methods:

1. Open and calm dialogue.

Spouses should strive to go towards each other. It is important to discuss the current problem constructively, without charges and reproaches, with a search for the optimal solution for both.

2. Understanding the partner.

Spouses should avoid negative tactics, such as ignoring, egocentrism, accretening the personality of a partner, and use constructive: active hearing of a partner, understanding said and underwent them. 3. The ability to change.

It is necessary to be able to make steps towards the partner, change its position and views as a marriage places its new requirements.

4. Follow the importance of the spouse.

Saying a partner thanks and what appreciates him, respect and admire them, is one of the most effective ways to arrange a spouse in their direction, to be heard and achieve mutual understanding of almost any matter.

The trust of the partner may be collapsed due to the fact that its experiences are not perceived seriously, they are considered unimportant, insignificant, persistent attention. If the experience of the partner becomes the subject of ridicule and jokes.

When it seems to us that we do not understand us, we feel lonely. Hands are lowered, and disappears to communicate and discuss something important. So spouses begin to distance apart and cease to be one.

Sometimes the stories of the couples who were on the verge of divorce begin with proud words - "We lived in the soul two years and have never quarreled, but then, unexpectedly ...". Those who are alone suffer from doubts about the future, also affect this topic: "We have solid family conflictsPerhaps the only way out is to part. "

And there are radical options at all: as soon as the semblance of a quarrel arises, one of the pair is ready to slap the door immediately and leave. Sometimes - forever. Without trying conflict solutions in a relationship. Because in the consciousness of many quarrels, this is what should not be in family life, otherwise it cannot be considered "successful" or "successful" and even "normal" is impossible. The cheating picture on the constantly pouring molasses on both sides, it turns out, terribly a survivor. And alas, very devastable.

It happens another extreme. When people do not even ask the question "How to build a dialogue?". When they resigned with what they swear. It is already tired of portraying a happy family to portray this couple, and now they have a niche of their own choice "we have everything like everyone else." This means that the quarrels are becoming something like the weather - we spoil the mood, but do not significantly affect anything, they do not behave anywhere and do not change anything.

So what is considered "normal"? - Many ask me. Truth, if it is generally possible in this case, as always - somewhere in the middle of the extremes. But before disassembled and typical errors in clarifying relationshipsLet's get acquainted with these extremes to find the middle.

The illusion of conflictial relationship comes from the illusion of eternal love. The state of Euphoria, which covers people in the presence of a strong sexual attraction to each other, creates the idea that "so it should be forever." In fact, any love has a shelf life, about the reasons for this, in particular, one can read in detail in the article on the crisis of three years.

Now it is important for us. The first signals are that "Eternal Love" - \u200b\u200bonly an illusion, happens at the beginning of relations. But the conflicts are usually taken not to notice. "Think, a little thing, everyone has."

An unresolved trifle eventually tends to grow into a major problem. As a rule, it is noticed just when love reduces turnover. And standing in full growth family conflict Perceived as a tragedy. As a rule, no one hurry in it to understand, the emphasis shifts to another - "How did we really quarrel with my beloved person?"

By default, it was assumed that a favorite person must be understood, and better - even approve, and in some cases - even admire the desires and decisions of the partner. When this does not happen, despair comes to change the inspiration. At the same time, most men and women often think that their solution is reasonable and correct, but disagreement of a partner is something "wrong".

What are the approaches to resolving conflicts, we will talk later, it is also important to be another - the definition of the conflict is not to determine the reasons for the conflict, and the fact that is declared abnormal (and with this most often agree to both spouses). And then, as a rule, one is inferior. Suppressing his desires, and not really discussed.

The second is approved in his "right-way" and further requires even more. The first or further begins, or rebels, and most often decision conflict He is no longer interested, interests only the opportunity to take revenge. After all, he has already come to his throat more than once, now he has the right to answer the same and make the partner suffer.

It is easy to guess that this position leads only to the tightening of the rope and the approval of a man and a woman as rivals, but not partners. And then only 2 options. The first - people, having spent some time in the position of rivals and, in fact, enemies, after a while they lose all connections with each other, get tired of fighting their own home and disperse in the hope of finding heat and support somewhere else. And often still repeat the same script.

In the second option, the extreme is the first to go into the second, and the prerequisites for this turn are the remaining strong connections: children, life, joint financial investments, common habits, and in some cases such a "bridge" remains adjudicated and regular sex.

In addition to these facts, there are different feelings, thoughts, for example, fears that "I can not deal with life alone and not find a new partner," the principles - "I never divorced in our family" or "I loved it / And, it is necessary to be faithful ", the pessimistic beliefs" It's better will not be better, they are all the same. " At the same time, the dragging of the rope in such a family occurs with varying success: the husband once "wins", once - a wife.

Everyone understands that to maintain relative equilibrium, it is necessary to periodically "give up", and each inside itself builds a hierarchy of values \u200b\u200b- where to give way well, it is completely impossible, and where "okay, let it do in his own way, survival." And worry. How to experience strong wind, rain, snow and hail.

Without learning to apply efforts to decision conflict In the family, such pairs repeat the plots of these quarrels once at one time, from year to year, and at the same time no one wants to act in the experience of a partner or change their behavior. What for? After all, you can "survive", even though it is unpleasant.

In fact, to live to a state when the number of conflicts will decrease, and the moments of understanding and acceptance will become more and more - quite real. But for this, be aware of why conflicts arise, and be able to solve them constructively for both sides. And this is a whole science that I suggest to start mastering.

In this article I would like to consider the main causes of family conflicts, various approaches to their resolution, and bring practical examples regarding how to build a dialogue in the family.

"We will quarrel on trifles"

In fact, the trifles does not happen. Many often conflict cause and occasion.

Any "trifle" can really become a reason - he did not call from work, which is delayed, although in thoughts it was not to lie and hide. Or she did not prepare dinner to his parish, although she promised. He is dissatisfied with the fact that she "how-called" his unloved dress to corporate. She is indignant by the fact that he drank a crane many times, and did not. You can continue for a long time.

Anyone can say: "Well, nothing happened! Nobody betrayed, did not change, did not leave, did not put it .... " Yes, so. But let's see not for reason, but for the reason.

What is behind that "trifling" call from work? Attention. Care. Importance. For her, this call is confirming its importance, confirmation that he does not do not care about her feelings, what he knows - she will worry. This minute of care and attention speaks of his love and that he hears it. And may it continue to be a trifle for him - but he could show that he is not indifferent to what she considers it important.

The problem of "trifles" is that, first of all, most measures everything in itself and thorough forget that another person is another. It's not you. This is he / she, but not you. He can always find other priorities, another placement of accents, other needs.

And most often - precisely in the so-called "trifles", which other persistently does not want to pay attention, because for him it is "trifle"! But every trifling often costs something much more global. And not always the partner immediately can explain it.

In determining the causes of the conflict, the leading questions can help: "And why is it important for you to call me? Do you have any specific fears? For what reason is it important to you? " Your task is to be attentive to the partner and help realize your motives, and not unpacked from him, because something is not clear to you.

If you are the "offended" side, try to realize the reason for the conflict and convey to the partner. You need to ask yourself the same questions - "What does this call mean for me? Why is it important to me? What do I want to get from the partner through this call? " Answers and will cause.

You most likely lack attention, feeling of significance, care. And perhaps you or experience excessive alarm for the partner. And it is also worth talking about it. In fact, it often happens otherwise:

- You did not call me! I sat all evening waited, nervous, where are you, your phone did not answer, you never know what could happen?

- What did you get so climbed? I was at work, near - the bosses, well, I could not answer!

- Well, you knew that there would be a meeting, could you really call before?

- I did not think that so long everything would delay, because I did not call! Do not report to me for every half an hour?

Then, as a rule, a woman begins to prove a man that it was not called - it was wrong, and this is a bad act from his side. He resists imposed on him feelings of shame and guilt (After all, he really did not conceal anything wrong), and begins to be angry with the fact that it is forced to justify. As a result, a man often goes into the offensive:

- What are you constantly nervous! I'm not a small child, enough to control me!

- Oh, I control you ??? And you….

(Options are possible: - And you are a small child, if you do not remind you a hundred times, then ....)

However, with such a formulation, the issue is almost impossible normally and sincerely apologize. Because no mentally healthy person wants to voluntarily recognize himself or "bad", nor "guilty" where he does not feel. And this is normal - deep, at the subconscious level, even with the most powerful, we always maintain the part of the psyche that protects the personality from the total depreciation.

Most people and so feel the cargo of their own imperfection, and it is in the family, from the spouse, we are all waiting for understanding and accepting us as we are, not pinks and chips. And it is especially important in the context of "little things", because if you have not explained to the end of the true reason for your discontent - your attempts to put another guilty will be all the more regarded as nuts and inappropriate generalizations.

The question arises, and how could it look constructive dialogue. I will give an example with the same situation:

- I see you delayed ... something important happened? Are you all right?

First of all, it would be nice to ask - and indeed, did nothing happen to the spouse today? Perhaps he has trouble at work and does he need support?

And perhaps, the conversation will turn around that the spouse will tell immediately about his experiences, and in itself it will become clear why he did not call, and there will be no sense to be offended. But let's say nothing has happened:

"It's all right, just at the end of the day the chef appeared and brought a new project, said urgently. We quickly discussed it and diverged home.

- Let's dinner, my hands.

With this you have already transferred the whole situation in a peaceful bed and showed attention to the spouse. This will bring its positive fruits, believe me. But when you already sat calmly dinner, you can tell about your experiences. And remember - speak better immediately about the reason, and not about the reason.

- I will have a request for you. I understand that these one and a half hours - not such a terrible delay, and I do not blame you. But, you know, your attention is very important in this form - you could continue to warn me about what delayed?

Note - this is a question. Request. Not an accusation and no attempt to make. Not the presentation of nonilities or guilt. And it is quite realistic to hear in response:

"Sorry, I didn't think that everything would definitely delay it, I would continue to think about it in advance.

If you have long accumulated something - try to express it, which led to such quarrels before, but in the same calm manner:

- You know, perhaps, I lack attention recently. And I start nervous literally because of any violation of the usual order. It would be calmer if you often called, sometimes wrote SMS, and I would like us more time together.

And then the conversation can concern any reasons, in which the conflict was actually founded - a lack of attention, caress, the lack of a sufficient number of across the time, the feeling of an unnecessary husband and disclose the reasons for which you feel so much. But all in the same manner - in the form of a story about experiences and in the form of nominations of some proposals.

If you need to throw out emotions - you can learn how to do it in a safe manner while no one. Or, if you really feel the need to talk emotionally, no one forbids, but even you can cry, speaking of your experiences. Emotions - still not reason to impose partner feelings of shame and guilt.

Think about why you still built conversations in the form of charges? Why do you need to prove to the partner that he is "bad"? What benefits do you personally bring you? Your own "right point" and "prettier"? However, the formation of insecurity takes place in childhood, and it is unlikely that your partner has had something to do so.

Perhaps you should first deal with your self-esteem and a sense of guilt before blaming the partner? And even more so, if you yourself need a constant reinforcement of your "good" - do you really think your partner does not need the same?

"I hate to ask!"

And, in fact, why? I often hear at consultations such a position: "Because it is humiliating." And when I ask: "And how then is not humiliating?", In response, I hear: "He / she must / understand herself." Well, wow a request! It turns out, most people want to get telepaths in husbands / wives?

In fact, an understanding of "with a half-sex" is possible in two cases, the first is the final - when this is the most "understanding" is a consequence of what both are covered by the hormonal euphoria, and therefore want the same.

If we cut - then it is possible to be in bed as soon as possible and stay there as much as possible with all the resulting caresses, delights, and the feeling of complete unity

Private consequence of this is the illusion of the feeling that "we want the same thing in everything." In fact, at the moment of acute love, people want to linger as longer at this point of utmost ecstasy as long as possible. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal start for relationships in some cases.

The moment of love implies a sharp pleasure of similarity, and it is this state that pushes most of the creation of families, the birth of children, because stable confidence arises - "We are created for each other."

But there is one catch - the feeling of total similarities and understanding "in everything" ends. And then you have to deal with differences. But there are few people ready to appear to their appearance, and in particular, few people are ready to leave the illusion of telepathy.

The second case of understanding "from the Poluslov" is possible only after many years of collaboration, and such an understanding must be learn. Once you read this material - you are ready to learn. And for this it is necessary to realize the importance of a request.

In fact, truly get acquainted with the chosen one, we start during this period - when passion passes and issues of life arrangement arise. How to distribute finances how to lead a life, who and what should do around the house when planning children where to go on vacation and how to carry out a common weekend. Before that questions, it was not worthwhile - who will be at the moments of ecstasy to plan homework and count the salaries of both lovers?

But when the passion leaves - the time comes to solve these questions. The dust is not the one, in the head there are many reasonable arguments. Everyone has their own.

And if it is important for you that your wife be sure to bake patties every weekend - do not think that she herself guess. Perhaps she spoiled you a couple of times in a period of acute love. So what? It was just two days of inspiration. But now some of your life turns into a routine (and this is not a crucial word, it means that there is a repeatability of some actions, they are brought to automatism, because you do not plan to change it all in the near future).

Bake one or twice the pies - a pleasant feat. The oven them every weekend is already routine. To which you need to get used to and realize that it is important to her husband that this is exactly what is imprinted in it as a manifestation of his wife's love. And how can she realize this if the husband does not deign about it?

When I ask men, why they were not asked, often meeting the generalization: "Well, everyone knows that the path to the heart of a man .... And then I always praised her threshing! Surely she did not understand what it is important for me? "

No, alas. Because it was all important - both lace underwear, and the newly downloaded specifically for joint watching film, and the music she sent him by mail, and that tie, which gave it to the 23rd of February, and pies, and a new towel of his beloved color .... How to distinguish what was "nice, but not necessarily," and what is "important, important"? After all, take absolutely everything from the Arsenal of Love will not work.

It is necessary to work, raise children, build a house, solve other domestic issues - it will not work all my life to twist in the clouds. And a man and a woman makes sense to build a priority system for themselves and partner - what exactly needs to take with it, and what can be postponed. If you did not give a woman any landmarks, do not be surprised that instead of pies it will drive on lace underwear and movies.

Asking you consolidate your own half of your own priorities. His "importance". In a sense, this can be even considered not as a request, but focusing. Moreover, it is necessary to accentuate it and not two.

One of you, for example, was not accustomed in your parent family to the fact that if someone comes home - you need to go out and meet a person at the door. If, during your love, your half poured at the first turn of the key in the castle, then after two or three years you can no longer wait. And not because you were "fought", but because it was gone here this limit voltage of emotions, characteristic of the period of love.

And your partner requires a more relaxed form of existence, in which it is immersed in his old behavioral patterns and habits rooted in it for years. And what so much time has been fixed, needs the same gradual change.

In this change, the systematic requests of the partner play a significant role. If from time to time calmly concern that it is important for you to meet you at the door - sooner or later a new habit is formed, already for your own family. But it only will be formed if the information you will convey calmly, and it is especially important to encourage success.

Once again, I am pleased to see my wife who meets you in the hallway. And not to swear on what exactly this time she did not come out of the room. It also remembers both - and complaints with insults, and praise. And it is from you that will be dependent on what your spouse will remember, and what conclusions will make it.

There is another moment - mainly about men. I often notice that men are worse than the hints than women. More precisely - to understand, they may, and understand, but less often trust such a thin understanding. And to make sure they are waiting for a specific request. And it does not come, because the lady often expects that her subtle hint will be understood. And the man is often waiting for him to say specifically.

So the famous figure arises: he believes that she herself does not know what he wants, and she believes that he is an insensible chubban, who do not care about her subtle experiences. In such cases, I propose to solve one question for myself, as from the famous joke.

Caused a lady taxi. It is in the specified location, the car drives up. The lady comes to the taxi driver:

- Are you a taxi?

- Yes, you ordered, right? - Specifies the driver.

- I. And why do you have a car not yellow? And the "taxi" is written somehow inseparably? And checkeys where?

What is the taxi driver answers:

- Madame, so you checkered or go?

What is more important to you - get the desired? Or so that he learned to understand hints, and in the same minute and with a half-mounted? I think, nevertheless, get the desired. And most often we are not talking about a disposable action. And about what is going on day after day. "It is important for me that you give me flowers at least once a month." Or "I want you to hug me as often as possible." "I will be pleased if you open the car door to me." Yes, there is a lot more - from pleasant smallest things to large things.

And perhaps you have to repeat more than once that it remembers: if you have a bad mood - raise it can flowers / dinner in the restaurant / ride to nature / small gift / Help in everyday life / Joint watching film / Spontaneous sex / Continue yourself.

I often spoke "Well, what could be spontaneous sex at the request? And how can the flowers that I herself and asked? " If you are in principle pleased with your husband and flowers, they are selected, the process will lose only part of the charm. And then at first. But if the husband sees several times that "it works" - it will not be necessary and guessed, he will know and feel your mood shades. For one reason:

if you regularly give him feedback, in what states and what you need, then over time it will cost without reminders. After all, inside him, he has already built a causal relationship. And then you can make a lot of dozen years of enjoying the proposals that you are important at this moment. Because your husband knows you well.

"No, let her .... No, let him! "

Suppose you quarreled not at all constructively. When the conflict arose - scribbled, even broke the plate. They called and accused each other. Well, it happens, no one is insured. But what's next? Next, somehow you need to get out of the conflict and start a normal life.

Very often each of the partners is waiting for the first step from the other. And it is dictated that's what: "If he first goes to put up - hence he recognized his guilt." The second thinks in the same way, and since everyone considers itself right, then no one is in a hurry to take the first step.

And since no one wants to be considered to be guilty, and in this recognized, the conflict simply flies, "descends on the brakes." Everyone who has experience in relationships, and especially together, knows how it is done.

There was a question with money / called a neighbor about the overall repair / it is necessary to decide that we will dinner / child asks something in both / continue. As a rule, this is a household preposition. On the basis of which you can begin to communicate again, as if by making the conflict "for brackets". No one recognized her wrong, no one made the first step. And everything, it seems, forgotten.

And here is not. The voltage in the relationship is one way or another. And you need long, slowly look after the partner to understand whether he is still angry, or no longer. And adjust your behavior depending on this.

In addition to various fantasies regarding the thoughts of the partner, which may not at all correspond to reality (and we will talk about it later separately), there is another significant "but" in this position. The problem is not solved. So this family conflict may repeat more than once and not two.

There is another "but" - this is "confession of guilt." After all, the guilt does not exist. There are simply 2 positions, 2 sets of reasons for which each of the partners had such an opinion or did somehow. But there is no "generally accepted normal" strategy of behavior in the family.

I always pronounce one phrase in consultation, seeking me essential in the question solutions of family conflicts: "There are no norms of family life. You can do anything, as part of the Criminal Code, this is the only thing for all place. Otherwise - there is no unambiguous right, no rules and rules, uniforms for everyone. The question of relationship is the only question of your agreement with a partner. "

Therefore, it makes no sense to talk to him in the language "Every normal person knows that ..." First, this is a direct insult. After all, if it turned out that your partner does not know or adheres to another point of view - it turns out, you declare it abnormal. And here it is hardly possible constructive dialogue.

Secondly, relations create two people. And if it even existed a certain "list of defaults", which would be applied to all families, it would have to announce it before marriage, at least in order to verify the parameters. And then if someone has a failure in the system?

But everyone goes into relationships with its "defaults", which are significantly different sometimes from those from a partner. All these "defaults" are not born at all of the fact that there are some common norms in the family. And from the fact that each of the partners instilled its norms the parent family. And each in the measure of abilities completed it with their observations and conclusions.

But to discuss all this, entering into a serious relationship, no one worked. After all, at the stage of love it seemed that defaults are the same. Although the same was the same attraction that gave the illusion of the complete similarity of beliefs.

If the norms would really be common - they would be equally dirty in the heads of both partners the same parents.

However, we are constantly faced with sometimes diametrically opposing convictions. And this means that each of the partners makes a very different experience from their childhood and youth. Which, depending on the person's personality, is also comprehended in different ways.

And now think - where is the desired "absolute right thing"? Even if the partner deliberately did it hurt, then this can only say that in his family, manipulations and educational games were accepted to constantly provoke from a person feelings of shame and guilt, And your partner from this suffered first. And then learned to "bite" likewise, and now this model of behavior is successfully broadcasting into your family.

However, manipulation is a thing common in many families, and it is easy to assume that not only your partner, but you yourself have a good technique. Otherwise, you can hardly wait for the first step from the partner, it would be more important for you decision conflict, not "so that he suffers more accurate."

You can cope with this can be only one way - someone has to start revealing cards. Who is no matter. Who is the first to think about constructive dialogue in a relationship. Who at the moment will be more prepared psychologically. Who will be more enlightened.

And this does not mean that someone is "better." This means that someone is ready to take the first step, and tell me that relations built on wine, manipulations, intimidation and educational games, it is not satisfied. And in order for this to adequately convey, you need to invite a partner to a conversation.

In one film, I glimpse such an episode. The couple told about their relationship. "Every time we argue, no matter how much it was, no matter how one of us is offended, we always gathered in 3 hours in the living room and sat down at the negotiating table."

Start such a rule. Let it be your place and your watch - an hour, two or a day later, where you want. It is important that you both are accustomed to come there, no matter how strong is a quarrel, and talk about what happened. Without charges. Without attempts to assert the partner. You're creating your family, and not in the battlefield?

There is no rightful and guilty, and in any, even the most painful situation, never forget to ask about the senses of the partner and try to understand them. After all, he did something not for no reason, even if it was formally he was a quarrel instigator.

And when you understand its reasons - you can safely convey your own. Not forgetting what the throughline line in this article is stated: the best way to make your feelings understandable to the partner is to tell about them. Do not blame the other. Talk about yourself, their feelings. And not about what he is bad. The difference in perception is huge.

In psychology, there is even the name of these strategies: "I-approach" and "you approach." As you already guessed, the first is a story about your feelings and freedom for a partner to draw conclusions. "It hurts me when I don't get news from you during the day." And "You don't care about my feelings, you will not raise a call from you for a day!"

In the first there is only a temporary combination - "when". And this allows the partner to draw conclusions. In the second - a policy point for "wrong" and a negative assessment. And such always makes it even makes justify (and feel guilty, and then start quietly hating a partner for it), either go to the offensive (and the defense rarely suggests warm feelings).

"I think he thinks I think he thinks ...."

Real contact without illusions and lies is possible only between the real and openly expressed by the feelings of partners, what are they now. Unable to contact with assumptions created in your own head. That is, it is possible, but it will be a contact with you, and not with a partner.

I always offer people to introduce such a picture (and sometimes even drawing it):

Already from what is drawn, you see that in addition to the two real participants in contact, there are also virtual (that is, really not existing) participants. Let's briefly get acquainted with them:

The image of oneself

Everyone has each. Of course, we cannot do absolutely without an image of yourself as a whole, without knowing our real abilities and talents, character traits and opportunities, features of perception and external data. All of this we make some kind of performance. But how close it is to reality is already depends on a person. As practice shows - more often than close.

Construction of psychological protection by modifying an image itself is not the topic of this material. To begin with, it is enough to just think about the fact that your idea of \u200b\u200bmyself can correspond to reality only partially. And be born more from the desired than from the actual.

This embellishment of reality often follows from the basic underestimation itself, and therefore performs a compensatory function. The underestimation of himself, in turn, comes from the assessments of parents and those restrictions that most of us absorb in childhood. And there are practically no unambiguous images.

For example, one child was inspired by all the childhood that being a child is to be a "unfinished" man, irresponsible and not knowledgeable life, and therefore not perceived seriously. Being adults, therefore, it was good and honorable.

As a result, a person will be all his life in the semi-aware form to experience fear, "what if I'm still not adult enough?" And build such an image of yourself - adult and responsible. And if such a person will say (without having anything bad) "You like a child!" - This man will insult. Meanwhile, as in the head of the interlocutor, it "as a child" was quite approving and positive connotation.

And on the contrary, if the child was not inspired that the child would be bad, even if the phrase "you like a child" will tell him with a clearly negative subtext, implying "irresponsible", he will simply not be noticed. And will not be offended. Because in the circle of his personal meanings, the "child" and "irresponsible" are not connected.

If clarifying relationships You are too much based on the image of yourself - then this is exactly what prevents you from hearing a partner.

Suppose he says something that directly indicates the lack of your responsibility regarding the partner. If you perceive the situation "in pure form" - this will mean that here and now, on this particular day, you have led yourself without thinking about the partner.

This happens. It does not characterize you as an irresponsible person in principle. This only speaks that you forgot or did not provide for something. And it may have been offended by your half, which I was mentioned. And it can be solved and figure out now, after listening to a person, realizing that he did not suit him, realizing that he really was unpleasant, and making conclusions.

But more often it happens quite differently. Sometimes, regardless of how discontent was presented, you can see the attempt on the bright image of a responsible and adult. And then write gone. This dispute has no constructive permission, because no one was going to say that you "in principle are irresponsible."

This you yourself make such requirements to yourself - to meet the same requirement of total responsibility in everything and always.

Perhaps, if in the partner's comments, you constantly see an unfair accusation - it is worthwhile, first of all, think about what requirements do you make to yourself?

Perhaps in your pair only you ourselves are so docked on our flawlessness, but the partner quietly allows you to have shortcomings. Think: do you find out relationships with a partner or with you?

Image of partner

Even everyone also has. Of course, we feel something to the partner is not just like that - including because we saw something important for themselves. And there is both pros and cons. Of course, perfectly, when something in a partner admires you. But it is impossible to measure everything else in man only one criterion: "As he / she treats me."

Not all the actions of the partner are dictated exclusively to you with an attitude. Some of them are just his actions, habits, needs, etc., who do not have any rushes to you. And if a person tied up with you, this does not mean that now everything and always he will do in the light of your relationship.

Yes, of course, solve global and major questions alone, and in this marriage is somehow not about marriage. But also interpret every act of a partner in the light of relations is also not always productive for marriage.

For example, your partner pays a lot of time to sports. At the time of love, the pace of work on themselves in the physical plane could be reduced. But as soon as your relationship has become stable, the passions dropped down, your partner returns to his priorities.

And he can adjust them as much as possible, including on the basis of the fact that he has a couple. The question is that you want to see you. Egoist? Narcissistic person? Or who will forget about themselves and protect their health, including the sake of your family?

And perhaps - it is generally outside the family. It's just part of your partner, an integral part. You can only agree with it, take another as it is, and was before you, but you should not try to destroy in it what you are not fully understood. And not always like it is worth interpreting exclusively in the spirit "If you do something for yourself, then you will take it away from me and we".

Or another bright example of how the image is created "along the course of action." Suppose your husband began to linger at work. And for various reasons (maybe your fears, maybe moments from his last LifeWhat you know may, according to a recent example of a friend), you start thinking something like "What if he has a mistress?"

One of this thought is enough for reality to be rushed to prove your right thing. Although, of course, it will not be in reality, but in the fact that most are inclined to interpret everything that happens within their own ideas.

And here is the image of a partner - "the one who can go on at work." In this case, reality may not coincide with your expectations at all. But if you begin to communicate with a partner from this position, implying that everything exactly as you think - there is a risk of global misunderstanding. Because you are under different pretexts start demanding the arrival from work in the "laid" time, and your husband can sincerely perplexed about your attempts to limit - after all, he is trying, for example, to earn more money for you, for a family. But, forgetting to ask him about what actually stands behind his late parishes, you begin to communicate with him as if he has already committed a couple of deaths.

So who do you communicate in reality - with your fantasies and fears, or with real reality? With whom is going on showdown - With a partner or that reality, what did you create in my head? And who is responsible for this?

An image of each other

Of course, it is important to know what the partner in relation to you thinks and feels. But for this there is one way - ask. And believe. And for this it costs to recall what we have already said: Partner is another. And if you begin to look for an explanation to his actions before, you most likely communicate with you, and not with a partner, because its causes and investigations are most likely different from yours, and therefore could not come to mind.

Here is an example. Women often complain that men are watching porn. Why is it generally more often comes to men - you can read in the article "Men on pornames". Another important is - first a woman in upset feelings gives a man to understand that it is bad, and after it requires explaining why he needs it.

But what person want to explain if he already told "how disgusting"? And even more so, if a woman herself came up with such an image of himself, in which she is "no longer attractive for her husband," managed to be offended at it, and now requires explanations?

In such a statement, the question contains a hidden requirement "Prove me that I am still attractive to you." But in most cases it is so in itself! And it is difficult for a person to prove what he himself did not doubt.

If I really want to find out why - it's worth starting from this issue. And not from the speculations that "if it does it, then I don't need it." At least so you keep the chance to learn how everything is in practice, and not get a portion of "sedative pill" in the key "Yes, I do not know why and why, but I will no longer."

Stone conflicts

There are a number of situations in which everything is not coming down to speculation, inability to hear the interlocutor and competently convey their feelings. It happens that the partner is heard, the feelings are reported correctly, and the situation is not solved.

I will give an example. Suppose a woman grew in the family of accumulates, and herself got used to perfect purity in the house. She is even ready to maintain order itself if she does not interfere. But often a man has a lower bar in relation to order, and it is not at all embarrassing scattered socks or breathing just so on the shirt sofa.

The right and guilty here is not, as not and the norm. However, what to do if the requirements for the situation are different, and it is impossible to reduce everything to one "standard"?

The method of solving conflicts of such a plan can be represented as purely mathematical. Suppose the requirements of the wife to order on some hypothetical scale are +30. And the husband is +10. There is a banal arithmetic average +20. This will be the stage for which both will make two equal steps - she is a bit down, and he is a little up.

Most offended: Well, how so, my requirement for order is more "perfect", more "correct", why should I descend? The answer is simple - because why he should rise. If the partners do not make a shared step to each other, then one will feel depressed.

It is clear that the step itself will not be simply quantitative - one shirt can be left, and another - be sure to remove. Rather on the priority system. Let the one who has the requirement for order above will try to choose a couple of the most painless things. Which can be survived without a special damage - and here to let go of a bit of my demands.

But what is nervous and annoying most - it is in this place and ask her husband to take a step towards. As a result, the requirement of greater order will be much more specifically than "worth it more often to clean up", for example, "Please, be sure to put the dishes in the sink and pour water. I can wash myself, but when the food saved to a plate - it was harder to wash it at times. "

Perhaps over time, the husband will also imbued with your love for order. But only if you go small chambers, and not unload the entire list of wishes on the partner. After all, the assistant seems simple, but the ideal picture may seem unbearable and generally repel the hunt for a partner to do something in this direction.

The same question often arises with sex. At a certain stage, it can be found out that one need more and more often, and the other, on the other hand, the needs are reduced.

Very often, this situation concerns couple-peers, when both for 30 people already have the sexuality of a man, and women are significantly increasing for some time. And the same arithmetic helps here: if for your wife it is enough three times a week, and for you one, then two are your arithmetic average. Of which you can show the initiative, you yourself, and the second time simply go about the wife.

Many say that "I don't want to stop over yourself if I don't want." However, watching couples with similar family conflicts (And especially those who else in the rest of everything relatively established), I have repeatedly came to the conclusion: a man with medium health and without pronounced sexual problems loses its psychological interest in sex in the previous quantities, rather than the opportunity to deal with them.

What this is connected - the topic for a separate article, in this case it is important to other: even where, it would seem, everything should be spontaneously and mutually, sometimes it is necessary to internally tune in to a partner, to give up.

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All families, where happiness reigns, are similar, but there is no unbelief for each family - this thought once thoroughly formulated, and in his years it was not news. And over time, the situation does not change - conflicts, quarrels, scandals, "flight dissembly" happen in almost every family. And for these conflict situations, there are almost always chagrins, depressed, depressions, new nervous breakies ...

It seems that the reason in each case its own and that it is impossible to understand these reasons. But is it really? Maybe if positive moments are similar, then in negative manifestations you can find something in common? But it is known that if you know the real attack of the troubles of any scale, then you can find and confront these troubles.

Conflicts in the family

When they talk about conflicts in the family, it seems that misunderstanding between parents and children, quarrels between husband and wife, scuffle between schoolchildren's children, the insults of old people for younger generations are completely different. In addition, external circumstances can be very different, ranging from place of residence, living conditions and material well-being and ending with the educational level and individual characteristics of each person's character.

However, in any case, we are talking about relationships between people, and here it should be understood that honesty, nobility, selflessness, desire and willingness to help do not depend on non-tax, nor from the place of residence, and from age or from the presence of a diploma too.

It turns out that people are on the very actual acts of any other reasons and that a stumbling block becomes not a broken cup, not a small salary and not old boots. But what really becomes the cause of a cry, tears, swearing, hysterics, threats, and sometimes fights?

Attention! The soil for the conflict, psychologists consider negative emotions and feelings that have accumulated for some time or originated spontaneously.

For many, it may be a complete surprise that almost always any misunderstanding and any conflict can be resolved in a completely peaceful way, without offensive words and loud sobs. The main thing is that for this you need, - to understand the psychological attack of what is happening, and very much want to conflict.

Psychologists say that people, regardless of age, are quarreled only when they do not represent how to get out of the current situation without increasing the tone, or when they for some reason need a conflict situation. What for? For example, to manipulate another person.

And one can allocate another important circumstance: if conflict arises, then each participant of this unsightly situation accuses the other, but few people begin to understand themselves. But often, the internal contradictions of the person fall into the basis of his relationship with others, including the basis of the quarrel. And now we take into account that the internal contradictions are absolutely each ...

3 The most important causes of family conflicts

Any conflict has cause. But it is not worth it to be conflicting because the reason for the conflict can serve anything, any little thing, but there are few real reasons. The main reasons for the emergence of conflicts in the family can be combined into three groups.

1. FirstlyPeople often want to get some information. But before you fight for this information, you should think well, whether they really need.
2. SecondlyConflicts often pursue the goal to change something, especially this applies to change behavior.
3. Thirdly, Often the conflict is needed in order to determine the main, leader, the host in the house. That is, it is the conflict in this case should demonstrate who is stronger.

Attention! In the overwhelming majority of cases (exceptions are very rare), the conflict will not give the desired result.

Striving for power

The first cause of conflicts in the family can be considered the desire for power and, as a result, the desire for maximum control over all. It should be noted that the desire for power is quite an instinctive desire, because in wildliness in any flock commands, and unconditionally, the strongest.

It is known that the person is largely guided by instincts and that many human actions can be explained by instinctive behavior. The desire to get the power and the right to dispose of at least in its small homemade flock - the background of many family conflicts. Dispose of all family members - and completely does not matter their age.

For a person, it is typical of the desire to power, let it be even the smallest power over more weak (above children or over the old parents). Of course, civilization smoothed this instinct slightly, but he can't go anywhere and could not go.

What to do? Just think, and think very well. If a person is expensive to relationship in his family, he will not create an atmosphere of fear around him, because fear kills all other feelings. Relationships can be built only at mutual understanding, in respect, on sympathy and for love - and none of these feelings have nothing to do with fear.

In the end, millions of years of development of a person reasonable should have been learned to cope with instincts and lead their behavior. Ferry leader? It is perfectly! But whether all the questions in your pack decides exactly the leader? Maybe it's time to share power, that is, to solve the right?

Guilt

Another reason for conflicts is a sense of guilt. It would seem that this is completely unreal: what could be the conflict with a man who recognizes himself guilty. But guilty of what?

Does a person can always be to blame and in everything? And if someone constantly agrees to accept the blame absolutely for everything, even for the fall of the Tungusian meteorite, which fell in Taiga in 1908? This, you know, sooner or later begins to annoy ...

Of course, anyone can make a mistake and anyone should be able to respond to their mistakes, but the constant feeling of guilt is absolutely for everything that happens, nothing will lead to anything. As a result, it may well form "Boy for Betting." But people are saddened, people do not understand this, and some gladly disappear in such "eternally unhappy" poor mood, irritation accumulated negative.

What to do in this case? First, never becomes the victim's position, never blame yourself for everything that happens. Blame - answer. But only for what is to blame for this case. Secondly, to educate in their children a sense of self-esteem.

Feeling

Sometimes the conflict arises due to the fact that someone wants to satisfy his feeling of revenge, because of the desire to take revenge on something, punish, put in place. But it will not lead to anything good, but will only become a basis for new offensive and for new misunderstanding.

The saddest thing is that the revenge entails the desire to take revenge in response - and it becomes very difficult to break this vicious circle. If we are talking about a big family, then more and more people are gradually drawn into this conflict, and everything will be revenge all, sometimes even forgetting that it caused the conflict and reason to revenge.

The most offensive thing is that a person who understands that his actions are caused by the desire to take revenge, will never be completely satisfied and will not feel the celebration of justice. Often, not only spouses are revenge on each other, but children to parents, but parents for children. Worst of all that in such families, the growing children are formed the wrong stereotype of behavior, which they will be transferred to their family.

What to do? Probably the most correct in such situations - learn to forgive. Because if this does not happen, the family is doomed and will certainly collapse. If the family is the road and means a lot - forgive the insult, if you have been impossible to forgive, it is better to leave, because the path of revenge is not only very heavy, but also very dangerous.

Sense of justice

Unfortunately, the cause of conflicts in the family is often a sense of justice, more precisely, what people take for this feeling. Unfortunately, insults and quarrels on this basis are completely unreasonable.

Is it fair that Masher Apple more? Is it fair that I should make cleaning yourself? Is it fair that I have to make money on a summer vacation? On any of these questions, as in many others, you can give quite reasonable and motivated answers, and most importantly, it turns out that it is right exactly how a particular person thinks, because everyone has its own point of view, and it is she seems correct.

What to do? The family should not be lazy to discuss everything and do not regret it for this time. It is necessary to try to in the family there is no place for speculation and assumptions: "Probably, Masha gave the biggest apple, because it is more like it." It is better to immediately explain that Masha is already thirteen years old, and Ole is only three, so Olya will not be able to eat an entire apple. Olya is smaller - and the apple is smaller. Is it fair? ".

Wish to win

One of the reasons for conflicts in the family is competition for any reason and desire to be a winner. And the desire for all means to prove its rightness often has very negative consequences. Actually, this is one of the forms of desire for leadership.

However, it is often overwhelmed that leadership implies not only the right to make decisions, but also the obligation to take responsibility, that is, the duty to respond for the decision made and for the results of its incarnation. Unfortunately, as for responsibility, it often attracts the least, and most importantly becomes easy to defeat in any dispute and in any situation.

Of course, if the desire for victory is supported by both the ability, and perseverance, and the ability to respond to the result of its decision, then it may be not bad, but if you don't have anything to compete, the results may be sad, because conflict is quite possible .

What to do in this case? In order not to provoke conflicts, insisting on the correctness of your opinion, and still win, it is necessary not just to insist, but also to motivate your proposal or a decision, it is necessary to explain why this decision is correct and why this should be done.

Feeling anger

The family conflict may be provoked by angrily or a feeling of bitterness. Moreover, these feelings, like any other negative emotions, devastate a person, take energy, create an atmosphere of depression.

As a rule, anger provokes either active or passive aggression, that is, a vicious person is either trying to provoke a conflict (scandal, hysterical, or even a fight), or it tries not to take part in the conflict and avoid it (silent, closes in his room , leaves home).

However, in any of these cases, the conflict is not permitted, anger and bitterness accumulate, the voltage increases. Neither the scandal nor a cry, nor any accusations, as a rule, do not achieve goals, but misunderstanding continues to grow, driving the conflict situation deep into.

What to do? You can only solve such a conflict situation with the help of a conversation. Unfortunately, this method of resolution of conflicts is not very popular, although the most effective. If people living in one family want to live together together, they must listen to each other and try to find the opportunity to resolve the established conflict situation that is provoked by anger.

Narcissism and egocentrism

It is quite clear that the desire and desire of one person to put ourselves to the center of the Universe can cause irritation and outrage of other family members, provoking conflict situations.

Of course, it is possible to start with the fact that parents who have elapsed such a child are to blame, but no charges in this case will help. However, it is often precisely people who are valid above all their interests become the cause and misunderstandings, and serious conflicts.

What to do? If a person knows what is inclined to prudit and for self-love, he must strive to control himself. The surroundings of such a person should help him realize the incolutions and irrationality of his actions.

True, in this case, the Ego Center is in the center of universal attention, which he achieves. It is very likely that in this case the help of a psychotherapist will take.

Desire to blame

Very often the cause of conflicts in the family becomes a desire to find guilty in all troubles and not take responsibility for yourself. In any case, it turns out to be justified, because someone did something wrong, not in time, said not that. However, in most cases, if you intently consider all the circumstances of the fact that the accusation caused, one can find that both parties are to blame.

How to get out of the situation? To get out of such a situation, it is necessary to remember that one person is almost always guilty. And it is possible that, blaming someone else, a person is trying to remove responsibility for what happened or his part of the guilt. But another option is possible when a person all guards completely towards himself. But so after all, it does not happen.

Apparently, to avoid conflicts in this case, it is simply necessary to analyze the situation and make the appropriate conclusions. It is very important to understand that no scandal and no charges will change the situation, but in order to avoid such linings and failures in the future, it is necessary to analyze the real reasons for the previous failure.

"Scapegoat"

Sometimes the cause of conflicts in the family becomes the "scapegoat", which is always to blame and in everything. Of course, on the one hand, it is very convenient to dump for someone alone all the troubles and troubles, on the other hand, this person has discontent, which can splash at any time.

Such a splashing of emotions can sometimes become similar to the rising rising in ancient Rome and even lead to the destruction of the family. On the other hand, there are people who prefer to constantly feel the victim and convince those surrounding: it is so easier to manipulate your surroundings.

How to deal with it? It is very important that in the family never appeared a "Boy for Beeing", which simply drive anger, nor the "goat of the vacation", which is very easy to be guilty in all the troubles.

To talk to each other, help, listen, relate to each other with respect - and then horned man-fighters will appear on the eyes only in the zoo.

Feelings of pride and shame

Whatever enough, however, the cause of conflicts in the family can be a feeling of shame and pride. Something is done wrong and is ashamed for it?

Therefore, in order not to listen to extra reproaches and unpleasant reminders, a person begins to be cleaned with a wall of silence or, on the contrary, to attack to prevent possible attacks. Positive, by and large, feelings, become the basis on which conflict is built.

Or a sense of superiority over the interlocutor due to the firm confidence in its rightness - the vast majority of people want their position to take as correct, even if someone has to abandon their own opinions. And no one wants to give up ... conflict in full swing.

What to do? In the event that we are talking about vulnerable pride or about the feeling of shame, especially false, it is very important not to leave a person alone with his thoughts, but to talk to him, then the possibility of conflicts decreases at times.

Protection of truth and wrong

Whatever enough, but the cause of conflicts in the family is often the desire to protect the correct position, the truth, the right point. Unfortunately, it is completely unpromising, because people look at every situation with different points of view, having different life experience and different goals.

The same glass can be half complete or half empty - how to look at it. But sometimes, protecting the truth, people can reach not only before scandals, but also to the divorce. Moreover, it is often true of this - whether potato needs a potato ... However, the desire to prove its rightness is much stronger than common sense.

How to proceed? Never argue and fight for the truth if the interlocutor is extremely agreed, because it will certainly end the quarrel. It would not hurt to remember that any medal has two sides and what to look at it from all sides. In a word, you have to hear, you have to listen, you have to say, but you can never heat your feet.

Hidden motifs of conflict conflicts

Sometimes the motives of conflicts in the family are hidden so deeply that even the closest people can not understand what's the matter. The mood in humans may depend on such factors that no one in the family does not know what does not know, but not even guess. Moreover, a person is not going to devote to the cause of the bad mood ...

How to find a way out? If the motives of family conflicts are hidden and it is impossible to understand them, then again and again it should be accepted with a person and try to figure out what he worries him and does not suit.

Attention! Sometimes assistance is needed to resolve the conflict. It may be a conversation with a close person, and professional assistance of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Psychology on conflicts

Psychology determines the conflict as the lack of consent between people, if it concerns individuals. And the lack of consent can provoke a collision of interests, a clash of contradictions and further aggravation of the situation.

The cause of the conflict can be anything: politics, culture, religion, material condition, interests, expectations - absolutely anything. Add to this pride, determination, emotionality - and here he is conflict. And then went, I went: I remember old insults, it was impassable and deceit what was not there, the wrong conclusions are made.

Want to pay off the conflict? Learn to give up. Most likely, it will soon be possible to return to a painful topic in a slightly different setting, and then it will be possible to return to its previous position.

It is very important to understand that it is flexibility that the ability to listen to a close person, the desire to find a compromise solution, the search for points of contact will help the resolution of the conflict. Your interlocutor is right? Tell him about it, but gently and with respect for his opinion, because it is tolerance and benevolence that make it possible to repay the conflict much easier than anything else.

Even if the usual dispute moved to the conflict, their emotions should be controlled, because uncontrolled emotions are able to completely destroy any relationship. And it is equally important that civilized, calm and reasonable dispute never turned into a real conflict.

It is imperative to understand that it is possible to resolve the conflict only with the help of a calm dialogue, that is, conversations. Only if all sides of the conflict can formulate their claims, their vision and will report their expectations, only then the conflict may be discontinued and repaid.

Of course, it is very important to be able to formulate your thoughts, impressions, wishes, however, it is equally important to be able to listen to the other side. It is possible that you will have to even change your point of view on some questions - this is normal, because the truth is born in the dispute. Notice, in the dispute, and not in conflict.

What is dangerous conflict in the family? Any conflict awakens in people who were still the most close, relatives and loved ones, insult, distrust, irritation, anger. Conflicts do not affect health, not only at the work of the nervous system, but also at the work of all systems and organs of the body. There are cases when conflicts ended with suicidal attempts with fatal outcome.

Do you want to reproach someone from loved ones? Do you feel that you can insult any of the home? Stop. Any conflict someone must once stop, but some conflicts are tightened "forever - to dinner," and others are drawn by decades.

Think about children and grandchildren, think about what atmosphere they will grow and form, think about all that it gives a strong family and what the loving relatives please. What conflict and what clarification of the relationship can be more important than a smile of your loved one?

It exists from the moment of the emergence of groups of people associated with general obligations, feelings, kinship besies. Even the biggest love once comes to a certain stage, when those who loving each other becomes unbearably together. Romantics replaces a series of quarrels, and in each conversation an impenetrable wall of misunderstanding appears. Everyone meet with it. But the differences are only that some couples in spite of everything remain together, and others are divorced.

In the modern world of spouses, almost nothing restrains. At the first insoluble problem, they roasted their union and are rushing to search for another partner, without thinking about the fact that a sad story may repeat. Based on the data on marriages and divorces in the 21st century, we receive disappointing statistics: half of the marriages are afraid due to the inability to express their thoughts and respond to accumulated claims to each other.

In this article we will look at family relationships from the point of view of psychology and offer options for solving disagreements arising between spouses.

Causes of family conflicts

The microclimate in the house needs to pay much attention to notice the reason for the brewing disorder and try to correct it as quickly as possible.
Two large groups are distinguished: discontent arising between husband and wife and between parents and children. Quarrels between generations are inevitable. They arise for a number of the following reasons:

• Too subjective perception. Parents realize that the child does not reach the ideal painted in their head, and begin to criticize it and compare with peers, which leads to the inevitable resentment and clarifying relationships.

• Total control and guardianship. Increased actions and the requirement of constant execution of rules and instructions leads to the fact that the child begins to resist such a rigid framework and conflict with parents.

• Gipopka. When a child is granted too much independence, he begins to feel unnecessary, externally in the family. Because of this, his dissatisfaction with parents, it appears envy to other children, he becomes secretive, irritable.

• Transitional age. An important and difficult period in the life of a child, when he may be angry with any reasons and to prove its significance in society in every way.

But the source of disagreements with children is hiding in the relationship of parents among themselves. Therefore, let's consider the reasons for the problem of misunderstanding between spouses. It can wear an emotional and psychological character, or be due to household turmoil. Often, most quarrels are associated with inability to adapt to changes in life, less often - with the lack of objective ways to remove the intense atmosphere in addiction to new conditions.

Emotional causes of common family conflicts

• Dissatisfaction in different spheres. Such a psychological problem not only adversely affects one of the partners, but also creates a tension in relations and leads to an inevitable quarrels. The unsatisfied need for attention, tenderness, supported by the problems in the intimate sphere between partners, inevitably leads to the emergence of thoughts on termination of marriage and treason, which puts once stable relationships at risk.

• Psychological unaware of spouses to build a family. This important factor depends not on the age of a person, but from his sense of community and the ability to take responsibility for another person. The situation of marriage calls for empathizing the interests of another and the opportunity to put themselves in his place. The rejection of this leads to disagreements.

Psychologists revealed certain factors for which it can be understood that a person is not ready for marriage:

• the desire for permanent rivalry in relations;
• reluctance to change something with pronounced problems;
• the constant desire of one of the spouses to criticize and raise another;
• finding a person in a situation of uncertainty and a conscious refusal to choose a certain kind of activity;
• permanent doubts in our own partner.

All these factors are an indicator of the unwillingness of your second half to real problems. It is important to understand this in time and not to hurry a person close to you, since the forced entry into marriage leads to negative consequences in the emotional component of the relationship between husband and wife.

Causes of conflicts in the family: the psychology of their instratchors and origins in sociology

• Different views on a joint life. The models that were asked by the parents of both spouses are played (who dominated, from whom the main income was depended, etc.). If they are absolutely different, it can be a reason for the constant quarrels.

• Incomponsion in time to voice your claims. Here there is the principle of "blowing flies to the size of an elephant." A timely not expressed discontent about the unclosed tube paste later may pour into a huge scandal.

• Disrespect in relation to each other. At the time of the lapping, the degree of respect is reduced, which can move into humiliation and rudeness. Negative attitude to the partner, the inability to understand him always leads to a quarrel.

• Different spiritual and moral guidelines. An unequal system of valuables of spouses will be the reason for many disagreements in the family.

• Opposite features in temperament. Individual psychophysiological differences of people can cause frequent collisions.

• Difference and jealousy. Two problems resulting in each other and not allowing relations to become reliable and durable. If one of the partners does not feel confidence in the other, it will lead to numerous conflicts.

Psychologists have established that the household reasons for disagreements in the family play not such a significant role as emotionally psychological. But still, about these factors do not forget. These include:

• Material problems - a lack of money, a significant difference in income, overestimated material ambitions and the impossibility of their satisfaction.

• Housing difficulties are the lack of housing, permanent moving, living with his wife's parents / husband, non-fulfillment of their homes duties.

• The process of raising children is different styles and educational methods.

• Harmful habits are alcoholism, drug addiction and others who do not allow to lead a normal lifestyle. The same problem also belongs to the reluctance to change themselves.

Each family passes through 4 crisis periods:

• The first year of marriage. During this period, the psychological causes of conflicts in the family are actively manifested, associated with the wipes of characters, which can be exacerbated by material and housing problems.

• The emergence of children is a change of social roles. Partners from spouses are transferred to parents, which imposes a number of new responsibilities and huge responsibility; The needs of the needs occur, and there are disagreements about the raising of children.

• After 10-15 years in marriage. There is a fuss of feelings, feeling a household life, aggravation of contradictions with the younger children.

• After 20 years of living life. The time when the alarms are intensified about the change, distrust of partners, appears the "empty nest" syndrome.

Since the family is a small social institution, one cannot bypass the cause of conflict from the point of view of sociology. First of all, it is worth nameing the changes occurring in modern society, which radically affect the microclimate of relations.

• Growth of social exclusion. Sometimes newlyweds simply cannot be engaged in society due to insufficient education, unemployment, poverty, discrimination.

• Orientation of spouses to the popular consumption popular in the modern world leads to marriages for calculations. Thereby, traditional relationships are depreciated.

• Reducing the moral values \u200b\u200band moral principles, including the norms of sexual behavior, affects our attitude towards marriage as such.

Diagnosis and classification of family clashes: types and types of conflicts in the family

Quarrels arise at any stage of relationships and are formed not one, but a complex of reasons, among which the main indicated only conditionally. But on the main motive, the following varieties of conflicts can be distinguished:

1. Phiological - reinforced by psychological reasons.
2. Value - born on the basis of the rejection of the worldview.
3. Material - based on domestic reasons.
4. Demonstrative is a certain type that manifests itself only in society for a certain emotional discharge. This is the so-called scandal for the public.
5. Script discontent is the manipulation of one partner to others.

The most common typology involves the separation of all family conflicts on:

• Constructive and destructive. In the first case, the spouses are configured to resolve the disadvantage, and the second type, on the contrary, gives partners from each other.

• Genuine and false. Genuine arise due to objective causes and perceived by the parties adequately. False exist only in the subjective perception of her husband or wife.

• Explicit and hidden types of family disagreements. Obvious - characterized by bright emotional manifestations, outbreaks of non-verbal and verbal aggression. The hidden is based on unspoken offensive, the reluctance of partners to communicate, secret confrontations, it is difficult to identify and eliminate.

Each of the types is not sourinkically reflected on the relationship.

Causes and consequences of conflicts in the family

The severity of the consequences depends on the type of situation, the method of its permission and behavior of the participants. There are quarrels who are beneficial to help find out the prevailing misunderstandings, eliminate them and improve the atmosphere. But most often the consequences of local clashes are negative. They are strongly reflected on the mental and physical health of everyone who lives in the same house. Before you are angry with the spouse, think if you will not regret it, because the wound caused from a loved one for a very long time heals and sometimes never says goodbye. The communication between her husband and wife is disturbed, resentment, distrust, gradually the very existence of the society's cell loses meaning, which leads to the inevitable divorce.

Quarrels adversely affect the child's faster psyche. He hardly perceives the negative attitude of his parents to each other and then everything projects himself by himself, considering that he himself is the main cause of discord. It imposes a huge imprint on everything that the child does now, how will it be in the future.

To avoid these negative consequences, it is better not to bring to a quarrel, eliminating all disagreements in peaceful way. But if it fails, it fails, there are certain techniques with which you can prevent the development of an unacceptable scenario.

Methods and ways to resolve family conflicts

In the process of living together there are certain difficulties and collisions between spouses. But for happiness it is worth fighting, it must be lined up in everyday life, searching for compromises, care for each other. In order for love and mutual understanding in the house, and all the tights were allowed only in a constructive direction, each partner must try and attach maximum effort.

The first and most important thing you have to do is learn to tolerate. Perceive the partner as himself, closing his eyes to flaws, to become part of the other. You should empathize, do not ignore and not tolerate his personality, but try to listen carefully and understand. You need to be able to negotiate and make compromises. It is important to remember that there is always a way to improve the situation, no matter how difficult it is. If the spouses are ready to find a way together, and not blame each other, then they will definitely work out.

How to solve family conflict

Your actions should be built according to the following plan:

• identifying the cause of disagreement;
• evaluation of the fault of each participant;
• disabling emotions, inclusion of mind;
• making a compromise solution;
• prevention of a quarrel.

Psychologists allocate the following methods for preventing family-household conflicts:

• mutual respect;
• desire for compromise, tolerance;
• ability to forgive mistakes of your companion;
• lack of mutual accusations, direct criticism, disapproval;
• healthy self-irony of partners;
• preservation of trust relationships;
• objective view at different points of view;
• the ability to maintain the community of positions and experiences.

In the works of the American Researcher D.G. Scott on psychology stand out five main styles or ways to solve conflicts in family relationships:

• Competition is used when one of the partners seeks to force another to make his decision, in favor of its goals.

• Evasion - can be applied with uncertainty in a positive solution to the dispute.

• Device - occurs when one subject dominates, and the second takes his interests without larger for himself. Thus, a solution is produced that satisfy both.

• Cooperation is characterized by the desire of both spouses to eliminate the disorder and come to a mutually beneficial solution under the condition of equality (alternative options).

• Compromise - both parties go for concessions when they understand that they want the same, but in this situation it is impracticable (temporary solution to the problem).

The choice of any model depends on the degree of complexity of the situation. To understand how to avoid conflicts in the family, find ways to resolve them and settle disagreements, you must figure out what led to a quarrel. Each couple, depending on its features, can find the right way out of the circumstances.

If the spouses do not work independently solve the problem, you can always contact a specialist. The psychotherapist or psychologist will be able to create conditions for the interaction of the parties, identifying the root cause of discontent with themselves and others and will prompt a way to eliminate irritation and tension. Many experts adhere to the practice of consulting the model "Mediator". This is a way when a husband and wife with a third party come to resolve conflict.

Such a variety of ways to resolve, prevent and prevent family conflicts is not accidental, since the collision may have the most unusual form, supported by a whole complex of reasons that are not always suitable for any classification. The longer the collision exists, the more efforts it will be necessary to find the exit of it, so you need to choose the right way and use it as soon as possible.

Or glances. This is a normal component of relations, of course, provided its constructive resolution. Conflicts happen in each family. There is even typology of families in the level of conflict. But first things first.

Depending on the frequency, depth and severity of conflicts in psychology, it is customary to allocate families:

1. Crisis. The contradiction of the needs and interests of spouses is constantly meeting in each sphere. Partners are hostile to each other, are not able to constructively solve the conflict.
2. Conflict. The interests of partners are often context, but the spouses are capable, and most importantly want to find a constructive solution.
3. Problem. The relationship between spouses is stretched, often exacerbated and at any moment ready to take the form of conflict. This is caused by a long dissatisfaction with the needs of family members.
4. Neurotic. Families with high anxiety, tension, chronic and severe dissatisfaction, instability.

Types of family conflict

• Conflicts can be opened (quarrel, scandal, fight) and hidden (internal discontent, passive).
• In addition, conflicts are easy to find (the cause and path of solving it is easy) and the difficulty (the problem is learned with difficulty, the tension remains in relationships).
• You can also distinguish constructive and destructive conflicts. Destructive creates long-term stress in the family, the conviction of spouses in a real threat. Constructive conflicts make spouses carefully treat each other, strive to understand the partner.

Most often conflicts arise at the stage of the so-called, that is, at the beginning of the relationship, when spouses only adapt to each other's peculiarities. At this stage, it is especially important to work out conflicts, find their reasons and solve problems.

Causes of conflict

The cause of the conflict potentially is any difference in the views, needs, habits, experience. We all know that the cause of the conflict is always personally significant, and it is simply impossible to call all possible causes. What is the reason for one pair, then the reason to laugh for another.

Cargo of family responsibilities, the unpleasution of life, a new complex lifestyle - all this can provoke conflicts. It was noted that men suffer more because of the difficulties in the domestic, physical and material issue. While women faster "turns" the loss of romanticism, lack of respect and manifestations of love from the partner.

The most popular and generalized cause of failures is an inadequate installation on ease of marriage. The basis of such an installation is.

One way or another, conflicts arise due to the unsatisfied needs of one or both spouses. In this context, the theory of V. A. Systenko represents interest. The author allocated the following causes of conflicts based on dissatisfaction of needs:

1. Unattended need for value and significance of "I". Arises as a result of a disrespectful relationship from the partner, offense, insults, inadequate criticism. Manifested by conflicts and quarrels.
2. Sexy dissatisfaction. The basis of this may be the incompression of excitation cycles, low sexuality of someone from partners, overwork, illiteracy in hygiene, disease and neurosis. Manifested by conflicts, tights, mental tension.
3. Dissatisfaction with the need for emotional intimacy: caressing, care, attention, understanding. The reason is a psychological alienation. It is expressed by conflicts, quarrels, depressions, mental tension.
4. The addiction of one of the spouses, clarifying the family (alcoholism, gambling). It is expressed in conflicts, quarrels, bellows.
5. The exaggerated needs of one of the spouses, which causes breaking in the family budget issues, the contribution of each of the spouses.
6. Unattended basic needs (clothing, food) due to the personal needs of another spouse. It is reflected in conflicts, quarrels, bellows.
7. Contradiction needs in collaboration, help, distinguishing responsibilities for the house or in the raising of children. Manifests conflict.
8. Different recreation needs. Because of this, conflicts arise, quarrels, tapping.

It is necessary that the needs are primarily studied by a psychologist to assist the family. Needs determine the motives and interests, resistance to external stimuli. Depressed and often have roots among family disagreements.

Marriage is more stable than the more satisfied need. Communication of spouses should be emotionally positive. None of the spouses should feel a sense of alienation and mental solitude.

In relationships should be achieved at least the minimum level of satisfaction of needs. Otherwise, discomfort arises, negative emotions and feelings. With unsatisfied or partially satisfied needs, physical and mental personal stress arises first, and after the emotional and psychological stability of marriage begins to suffer. Unfortunately, sometimes the personality of one of the spouses is an obstacle to meet the needs of another.

Decision conflict

The structure of the family conflict and in it the same as any other conflict. I want to consider more strategies and their consequences for family conflict.

1. Dominance. Doom is doomed to fail. Ignoring the interests and needs of the partner will further exacerbate the situation.
2. Care and avoidance. Does not solve the conflict, but will translate it into the status of chronic. The family will "stump in place", like its participants.
3. Plug. Will lead to a frusted state of one of the partners, an imbalance in relations (rights, power, duties). The family will become unstable and unstable.
4. Compromise. A more or less acceptable option, but not perfect. Mutual concessions have a place to be, but in the depths of the soul, the sediment will remain in each spouse.
5. Cooperation. The optimal solution to the conflict solution. Promotes the personal growth of spouses, improving communicative competencies, development and strengthening of the family.

Family quarrel

The conflict is always accompanied by quarrels. But it can be used in its favor. In psychology, there is a notion of a family quarrel strategy. This disputes of two loving people in which truth is born without charges and sharp words.

• The first condition is nobody craves victory. Both want to solve the contradiction. The defeat of someone from the spouses is the defeat of the whole family.
• The second condition is to always respect the spouse, no matter how he guessed. Even in the most terrible rage, you need to remember how you had the roads of this person recently.
• The third condition - after the quarrel, do not return to it, do not even mention its causes.

When solving the problem, it is important to avoid maximalism and categorical judgments, not to conflict with third parties (friends, children, relatives). Itself honestly admit that it bothers. Also honestly tell about this partner.

Positive family psychotherapy

If you cannot solve the problem independently, it is reasonable to visit a psychologist. Family positive psychotherapy is used to solve family conflicts. The conflict is worked out through 4 directions:

• bodily (sensation and perception);
• activity (mind and activity);
• socio-communicative (contact, tradition);
• communication (imagination and intuition).

It is important that work in the directions was carried out in unity and consistency. The body will show how the situation is reflected, the social destination will introduce the experience of older generations, the imagination will make a forecast and submit a decision, activities will embody it into life.

If one of the directions prevails, the number of opportunities to solve the problem is significantly reduced. Moreover, different kinds of dysfunction are noted:

• With the predominance of bodily - insomnia, drowsiness, food violations, and sexual anomalies.
• With the predominance of activities - care from the problem: the passion for other activities (work, entertainment) or passivity and apathy, idleness. If the conflict is processed in this way, then there is an inadequate self-esteem of the spouse, fear of failure, focus on the result.
• When prevailing the social direction - care from a problem in surface communication, a company or on the contrary, avoiding any contacts and communication.
• Separately from other elements a person carries into an unrealistic world of fantasies and illusions, a dream. It aggravates the conflict.

Why is it still important to take into account the family history? The author of this concept, N. Phezeskian, stands out the current and basic conflict. Actual - what happens in the family now. Basic - conflict in the family of parents of one of the spouses brought to him in his family.

To solve the actual conflict, it is necessary to solve the basic, that is, to understand how relations in the parent family were built. It is all important that in childhood an impact on the formation of the personality of the current spouses. It is necessary to find the causes and object of the basic conflict and positively rethink it.

No need to look for the perpetrators and initiators. You need to solve the problem. When solving, everyone acts equal participants, despite the role and age. The problem with this method is solved in 6 stages:

1. Determination of the cause and object of conflict (contradictions of specific motives and needs).
2. Fixation of all alternative ways of solutions, despite how they arrange or do not suit all participants. The main rule is not to criticize and not evaluate even the most unreal suggestions.
3. Discussion and evaluation of all options. The option is not accepted if at least one family member is not satisfied. It is recommended at the discussion stage to avoid "you-statements" and use "I-statements". The discussion is carried out until the general alternative is found.
4. Choosing an optimally acceptable solution.
5. The embodiment of a solution to life. Drawing up an implementation plan with a detailed distribution of the rights and responsibilities of all participants.
6. Development of the evaluation system and control the results of the solution.

The Family Council method creates a new experience of family relationships, improves them, activates the personal resources of each participant. In addition, the Council requires less temporary and strengths than psychotherapy. The main principle of the method is "here and now." The problem is solved immediately and in fact, there is a solution immediately. Spouses learn to better understand each other.

How else not to give "backdrop" to destroy relationships? Find out from the video.