The child does not obey for 8 years what to do. What to do if your child doesn't listen to you. How to achieve obedience

Which parent does not want their child to be smart, cheerful, independent, and at the same time, surprisingly, obedient? After all, the baby still does not know anything about the world around him, parents think, he needs advice, help and support, and sometimes direct instructions from adults. Disobedience is perceived by parents as the height of stupidity, sometimes even as self-destructive behavior, and is surely suppressed. But if the child does not obey the parents, this may have much deeper reasons than stupidity or "harmful".

Child development crises

The development of the child, both physical and psychological, does not occur gradually, but in sharp leaps. Everyone is well aware of the growth spurts, or stretching periods before school and during adolescence, when a child grows up quickly in a short period. The same leaps occur in the psyche - the personality also grows, sometimes so quickly that the parents do not have time to react to it. There are several of the most common crises:

• Crisis of the Year. The first encounter with the word "no" and the concept of prohibition.
• The crisis is three years old. The development of the ability to generalize, and against this background, the perception of oneself as a concrete being.
• The crisis of seven years. Formation of abstract thinking, the ability to compare, the perception of oneself as a person.
• Teenage crisis. Puberty, the emergence of independence, independence from parents.

The age range of crises is rather arbitrary - a seven-year-old crisis does not begin at exactly seven and does not end on the eighth birthday. A more precise age definition is 5-9 years old, that is, preschool or primary school age. The time of the beginning and the end of the crisis, its duration - different for all children, depend on many reasons, including the reaction of adults.

The crisis of preschool age is associated with the next important stage in the development of the child's psyche - the emergence of the ability to abstract logical thinking, characteristic of adults. With the emergence of this type of thinking, the child develops self-esteem and ambition, the ability to compare the results of his activities with the ideal result, to compare his behavior with the behavior of other people. The test with a ladder is very indicative in this regard - the child is offered a drawn ladder with steps reflecting the quality of the performance of an action (bad, good, best of all, etc.) and it is proposed to place himself on this ladder, that is, to evaluate himself, how he does something (sings, draws, removes toys). Before the crisis of preschool age, a healthy child places himself at the highest level - he is sure that he can do anything better than anyone else. A preschooler assesses himself more objectively, at the same time a new concept appears for him - the level of aspirations, and at this stage of development it is very high (the child wants to study with only A's, win in all competitions, be able to do something that his friends cannot) ... At this age, a preschooler can abandon his previous hobbies, motivating this by the fact that he is not succeeding, but at the same time new activities may appear. For example, a child who used to love to sing suddenly notices that a classmate has a more beautiful voice and loses interest in singing, and after a few days he is already enthusiastically weaving beaded baubles. The new hobby attracts with its novelty, but how persistent it turns out to be is a matter of time and the attitude of the parents.

School and preparation for it is an important factor that stimulates the onset of the crisis - it makes it possible to compare your progress with other children, the status of a schoolchild is considered higher than a preschool child, it becomes necessary at school to follow the rules and study on a schedule. In addition, a new authoritative adult appears in the child's life - a teacher. And it often happens that in the classroom the child behaves well, but at home he does not obey the parents. Why is this happening, and what should adults do in this case?

Symptoms of a seven-year crisis

The crisis of seven years is a very conventional name, and it is much more correct to call it a crisis of preschool and primary school age. Its signs can be roughly divided into positive, neutral and negative. Unfortunately, parents are more concerned about negative signs, and against their background, not everyone notices the development of the child's thinking, the formation of interest in global problems, the emergence of new hobbies. Among the negative symptoms of the crisis are:

• Negativism is a pronounced disagreement with any statement of adults, even the obvious one.
• Dispute - refusal to fulfill instructions of adults.
• Pause - lack of response to requests, instructions, demands from adults.
• Stubbornness - arises as a continuation of the dispute, when the child continues to insist on his position, despite the fact that for the parents the problem has already been settled.
• Disobedience is a rejection of the usual duties and rules that the child used to follow without any problems.
• Cunning is a hidden violation of established rules. In primary school age, cunning is not yet a way to avoid punishment and does not take the form of malicious lies.
• Perseverance is an endless reminder that parents have promised something.
• Whims are usually a symptom of earlier crises, but sometimes they occur even at the age of seven or eight.
• Painful perception of criticism is also quite rare.

The most important thing that parents need to remember is that if the baby suddenly stops obeying, it is not because he wants to intentionally harm himself or others, or do it for evil. Before school and in elementary grades, there is an awareness of oneself as a person, the emergence of one's own internal position, which means that those rules that have seemed obvious until now require testing for strength and rethinking. The child questions the authority of the parents in order to be convinced of its necessity and to become more independent. At school, a child's disobedience may not manifest itself as strongly as at home, because school is a much less familiar environment, and compliance with the rules here plays the role of psychological protection.

What should parents do?

• First of all, one should not succumb to provocation. Your child's behavior can be annoying, but giving in to it, raising your voice and pushing it is a sure way to prolong the crisis. If the child does not respond to the request or refuses to fulfill it, then it is useless to insist on this, but if you leave him alone for a while, then most likely he will do what they want from him. For a child, this behavior looks like a manifestation of his independence - he does not act on someone's orders, but himself.
• The student should be given the opportunity to face the unpleasant consequences of his disobedience. For example, if a child refuses to go to dinner on time, then he will eat when he wants, but he will have to warm up the food and wash the dishes himself. The main thing in this situation is the obviousness of the consequences. It shouldn't look like a punishment.
• It is worth paying attention to the positive changes in the character of the student. If he has taken on any chores around the house, he needs to be praised for it, and making this occupation a duty is not worth it so that the child does not begin to perceive him, as a rule, which must be violated.
• A child's trick at eight is a game, not an attempt to escape punishment. If the child sees that his cunning has been revealed, he will carry out the assignment exactly as needed. The trick will become a real lie only when the student sees in it a benefit for himself.
• Parents need to be consistent in reward and punishment. The child needs to see the boundaries of what is permitted, and these boundaries should be clear. In this case, there should not be many rules, but they must be strictly followed. In this regard, psychologists advise to designate the child's behavior with four color zones:
  • Green - zone of permitted actions (you can choose what to spend pocket money on);
  • Yellow - the zone of actions permitted subject to certain rules (you can play on the computer only after the lessons are done);
  • Orange - a zone of actions that in most cases are not allowed, but there may be exceptions (during the trip you can go to bed later than usual);
  • Red - a zone of categorical prohibition (you cannot use foul language).
• Consistency in parenting behavior. If adults make rules, then they themselves must follow them. Only in this way will the little man understand that the rules are not needed to restrict his freedom.
• One of the most important points is that you need to talk to a child like an adult. It should be reminded that he is no longer small. At the same time, it is necessary to show the student that being an adult is not a privilege, but a change in the range of rights and responsibilities, the emergence of responsibility for their actions.
• If a child shows a desire to analyze his actions, experiences, problems, then you need to help him, even if he does it, constantly pronouncing the same situation. So the child will be able to better understand himself, develop the ability for self-criticism, learn to show his emerging independence more productively. Do not forget that the kid does not obey primarily because of the inability to express his position in a different way.

It is important for a child to know that adults see how he grows, tries on adult affairs. But in the same way it is important for him to see that the expansion of the range of rights entails the expansion of the range of responsibilities, that in addition to the external attributes of adult behavior, there is also responsibility for their actions. The student needs to understand that independence should not be an end in itself.

Positive signs of a crisis

Disobedience is the simplest manifestation of independence that a child can afford. But besides him, there are other changes in his behavior, which are of a positive or neutral character. And in order to have less to stop disobedience, it is worth paying attention and encouraging the following changes in the child:

• Independence and self-study. The child can, of his own free will, take on any chores around the house. How persistent such a desire will be is a matter of time. In this situation, it is important for the child to do something without asking, like an adult. For the same reason, his sphere of interests may change, and new hobbies may turn out to be more persistent than those that were before the crisis.
• General issues. The child begins to be interested in abstract topics that are not directly related to everyday life - politics, space, biology, family history. This is an indicator of the appearance in him of abstract logical thinking, the expansion of his inner horizon.
• Striving for school. At the age of seven or eight, most children love school, strive to get good grades. The status of a schoolchild is very attractive for a child, because this is the next step in life, a schoolchild is almost an adult.
• Imitation of adult behavior. The child copies mainly external signs, this is a kind of adult game. In a dispute with his parents, he gives logical, in his opinion, arguments heard from adults, begins to talk a lot and at length about his behavior and experiences. Over time, the desire to imitate weakens, but in this form, you can teach the child to really reason logically, to be aware of the motives of their actions.
• Increased attention to appearance. It occurs not only in girls but also in boys. It is important for a child to look like this in order to appear older. This can sometimes take on caricatured forms. This desire should not be suppressed, the argument of parents that you will still have time to be adults will cause rejection rather than a desire to listen to it.

Parents should notice and consolidate positive changes in the child's psyche, and then he will strive for real, not ostentatious adulthood, and, paradoxically, will become more obedient. His disagreement with the position of adults will acquire a more meaningful character, become conscious, which means that the student may be persuaded. Unreasonable stubbornness and a desire to do anything different from what adults demand will become a reasoned opinion that can be changed. The concept of responsibility will appear, and it will not be imposed from the outside, but grown from within, conscious.

The editorial board of Montessori.Children was asked:

Is it possible to re-educate a child of eight years old or is it too late? He is spoiled, reluctantly fulfills the requests of his parents, he must always be forced to do the elementary things: do not forget to brush your teeth, take a bath, learn lessons, etc. The boy is 8 years old. We bring up the second child, daughter, according to Montessori articles - at 2 years old, already independent. Thank you in advance!

Olga Seletskaya - Montessori teacher at the Otrada Moscow Medical Center (AMI 6–12) answers the question of how to teach a child to be independent

"Is it possible to re-educate a child of eight or is it too late?"

Education is an ongoing process that lasts a lifetime. Even adults change over the course of life. We are influenced by the people around us, circumstances, life challenges. Therefore, it is never too late to have a positive impact on the child.

How to raise a child of 8 years old

High self-esteem is the main condition for the development of a sense of responsibility and independence in a child.
How to raise self-esteem in an eight-year-old child? Children feel significant when adults take the time to talk to them. Frequent communication and discussion of different topics helps in developing self-confidence.

Ask about his friends and the activities he enjoys. Share the best and worst episodes of your life. Ask what he liked the most about today? What were the difficult moments? Let your child feel that it is possible and necessary to share negative feelings and moments of life. This makes it clear that there are positive and negative situations in life. Open, friendly and honest communication with your child creates a close, long-term bond between parents and children.

How to raise responsibility in a child

Responsibility is the ability to make the right choices and be aware of the consequences of your actions. A responsible person cares about the well-being of others and understands that everyone plays a significant role in the arrangement of the world around them.

Responsible behavior for an eight-year-old child is expressed in the following:
- independently prepare for school;
- keep your things in order;
- help adults around the house;
- be an assistant in school affairs;
- keep order in your house and yard;
- take care of plants and animals;
- to help younger children and the elderly;
- report to the appropriate authorities about emergency or dangerous situations on the street.

To foster responsibility in a child of 8 years old, responsibilities must correspond to his age. Self-care habits develop gradually and under parenting guidance. If the child is disorganized, reproaches and categorical instructions will not lead to success.

The reason for the child's failure to fulfill his duties may be too general parental requirements: "put your things away", "get ready for school tomorrow." Break down these requirements into more specific ones: “pack your backpack - what do you need tomorrow?”, “Prepare the clothes that you will wear to school tomorrow: get clean socks and a shirt and hang them on the chair”.

The mode of the day and the responsibilities that the child is endowed with in the family give him clarity on what to expect at any given time of the day. In the morning he takes a shower, brushes his teeth, dresses and has breakfast. In the evening, he collects a school backpack for tomorrow, prepares a uniform for training or other clubs after school, takes a shower, brushes his teeth, reads before bed.

The family should be allowed a certain amount of time to watch TV or use the computer. The total time spent in front of a TV or computer should not exceed two hours a day.

Responsibility and independence means that the child knows the boundaries of what is permitted. If the child breaks the rules, explain simply and concisely what the child did wrong and what the consequences could be if these rules are not followed.

Tell about what is happening in his body, if he does not brush his teeth, show pictures of teeth affected by caries. Tell us how pathogenic bacteria get from the cavity of an unclean mouth into the body, spread through the blood, and affect the work of the heart, liver, and kidneys. Awareness of oral and body hygiene motivates the student to practice hygiene.

Talk to your child about the hormone melatonin, which is released during sleep. Why is it important to go to bed on time, since the activity of the hormone melatonin begins at 9 pm. Why is it important not to sit out, not to miss this moment, so that the sleep is of high quality. It is necessary to cultivate a healthy lifestyle, to explain to children the importance of hygiene of sleep, work and their own body.

Assign your son certain household chores:

Set the table for a family dinner;

Tidy up on your desk and keep your belongings in order;

Feed pets;

Throw dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

Praise your child. Praise the effort, not the result. You will see how his self-esteem grows as these responsibilities become a habit for him.

Student responsibility in learning

The most common complaint from parents is that the child cannot bring himself to sit down for homework. Establish rules to help your 8-year-old child fulfill his school responsibilities.

Start by organizing the student's classroom. It should be away from TVs and other distractions. Turn off the TV when your child needs to start doing homework. Eight years is not yet the age when one can expect independent, concentrated homework from a student. Parents have a great role to play in eliminating distractions. Therefore, it is permissible for a child to do their homework at the kitchen table, in the presence of an adult who prepares food.

Establish a rule regarding smartphones: when a student is engaged, the signals of the phones switch to silent mode. Modeling such behavior is extremely important for a child - he feels the support of others and their respect for learning activities.

Together with the student, prepare his desk for work: there should be no unnecessary items on it, the table should be well lit, and all the necessary items should be at hand so that the child does not need to be distracted and get up from the table.

Schedule home activities with your son. Set up fifteen-minute breaks every 30 minutes. Make sure the room is well ventilated. Hang a large calendar on the wall of your son's room, along with a list of household chores. Children get satisfaction when they can tick or stick a sticker in front of a completed task.

While the child is doing his homework, it is better to sit next to him and do his own thing: the family budget, pay bills online, etc. So the child will feel that he is not alone with his responsibilities. In addition, you simulate a focused and attentive attitude towards the tasks being performed.

What to do if the child does not obey the parents

"He is spoiled, unwillingly fulfills the requests of his parents, you should always force him to do the elementary things: do not forget to brush your teeth, take a bath, learn lessons, etc."

Why does an 8-year-old child not obey? Here we are dealing with “ignoring” behavior - the child “does not hear” from the first time what the adults tell him.

First you need to understand the reasons for this behavior. Most likely this happens because adults repeat the requirements several times and the child is simply used to not reacting to words.

Establish a rule - you need to ask to do something once.

In your case, when you see that the child is not responding, use the technique of "involved leadership". Don't let your child ignore your request and go about their business. Approach him, kindly say that you understand his feelings: he wants to play a little more and it's a pity to part with toys. By expressing an understanding of the child's feelings, you thereby put yourself on his side, tune in to his wave.

Then kindly explain to the boy why it is necessary to stop doing what is required (time to go to bed or time to sit down for lessons). In a friendly manner, discuss what the consequences of not meeting the request (unlearned lessons, sleepy child) could be. Then offer to participate in fulfilling the requirement: "Let's go together and see what needs to be cleaned up on the table to start working on your homework" or "Let's go choose which book you would like to read before bed."

“Ignoring” behavior is common, and it takes wisdom and great patience from an adult to correct it. It is important to make the boy feel that you are not in confrontation with him, but support him in the need to cope with his duties.

Remember that the development of the independence and responsibility of a child at the age of eight is not an isolated process, but only part of an integrated approach to educating a personality, a system of values \u200b\u200band habits.

Illustration: ru.p

For children, rules of conduct are essential. Children don't rebel against the rules. They rebel against the methods of their implementation. A set of rules, restrictions and prohibitions should be in every family. For the most part, children are very loyal to the rules, perceiving them as taking care of themselves.

However, the question "why does the child not obey?" occurs in each of the parents. What is the reason for the "failure" in the child's behavior? Until recently, most adults believed that the process of education consists in the requirements of unquestioning obedience to parents, teachers, leaders, following the letter of the law and moral norms in force in society. Today, the spirit of blind obedience has practically disappeared from Russian families, parents respect their kids, demonstrating a democratic relationship.

It happens that being too democratic is harmful. This can happen, for example, when parents without any reason deviate from their own established rules. So, a child of 8 years old does not obey and does not go to bed if the time for going to bed ranges from 21 to 24 hours. The list of rules should not be too significant, but they should be relatively flexible. For example, on New Year's Eve, the child may well be allowed to lie down later.

However, the exception should be clarified in a special conversation. How to teach a child to obey their parents? The most important principle is that parental requirements cannot contradict the basic needs of children (for love, compassion, affection). In addition, the educational attitudes of all adults in the family must be consistent. Understanding why a child of 8 years old does not obey his parents

The answer to the question "why does the child not obey?" sometimes very simple. Because sometimes, instead of a friendly-explanatory tone, parents use an irritable-imperative tone. Children are upset and offended by this.

It should be remembered that another key parenting principle should be the following: when punishing children should be deprived of pleasant things (for example, watching cartoons), and not doing them badly (for example, shouting or hitting). If the “difficult” 8-year-old child does not obey, you need to remember that it is the “difficult” children who are the most vulnerable. This is what explains the student's bad behavior. Some psychologists explain this behavior as a violation of children's basic attitudes ("I love!"), The struggle for self-affirmation. How can parents teach their child to obey in this case? Children should always be convinced of unconditional parental love and support.

A very common reason is the desire for revenge, caused, as a rule, by parental divorce, jealousy, parental quarrels, harsh moralizing, low self-esteem. In communicating with the child, parents are advised to adhere to the "golden mean": parental authority should be combined with unconditional love and democracy.

There is no such child who would always obey his parents. Even very docile and calm kids from time to time "rebel" and show character. And some children behave this way very often, which causes chagrin and anxiety among mothers and fathers. The famous doctor Evgeny Komarovsky tells why the child does not obey his parents and what needs to be done in this situation.

Pedagogical problems through the eyes of a physician

They turn to Evgeny Komarovsky not only for a cold, flat feet and other ailments. Quite often, parents bring their children to the pediatrician and complain that the little one has become naughty. Usually this problem occurs in families where the children are already 4 years old. It is too late, Komarovsky argues, it is advisable to deal with issues of education and obedience when the child is 1.5-2 years old, and ideally from birth.

The child begins to behave in opposition to the parental opinion in two cases: if he was given too much freedom from birth and if he was too often told the word "no". The task of parents is to find the very "golden" balance between these extremes.

Democracy in the family, which gives the child equal rights with adults, leads to the upbringing of a naughty and capricious child who will be hysterical and scandalous to get his way if something is forbidden to him.

Tantrums

If a child once tried the hysterics method and it was crowned with success (he got what he wanted), then, no doubt, the baby will use this method of manipulating parents and grandmothers often. Therefore, if a disobedient child suddenly began to arrange "concerts", with banging his head on the floor and walls, screaming, in the literal sense of the word, until he turns blue, the best way is not to pay attention, says Yevgeny Komarovsky.

If there is no viewer in the person of mom or dad, then the baby simply has no motivation for hysterics. If he shouts - you need to leave the room where the "drama" unfolds, if he beats - put a pillow to make it softer and leave the room. For parents, this stage is the most difficult.

Komarovsky advises to be patient, valerian and optimistic - everything will definitely work out if mom and dad are consistent in their actions.

Do not be afraid that the child will suffocate during a hysterics, even if he shows with all his appearance that this is about to happen. Children, according to Komarovsky, often exhale from their lungs the entire supply of air, including the reserve air, when crying, this causes a long pause before inhaling. If there are serious concerns, you just need to blow the baby in the face - he will reflexively take a breath.

Physical punishment

Dr. Komarovsky opposes physical punishment, because a child who from a very early age realized that the one who is stronger wins, will use this knowledge all his life. From such people who are used to solving problems with others with the help of force, nothing good will grow.

If mom or dad cannot solve problems with their child without the use of physical force, this is a reason for contacting a specialist - parents need a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist. And this is reasonable and correct, says Komarovsky.

There are enough punishment options without a belt: explanations of why something cannot be done, temporary deprivation of certain goods (sweets, new toys). The main thing is that the punishment is adequate and timely: if a child behaved badly in the morning, and he was deprived of the evening watching cartoons, he no longer remembers what exactly he was punished for.

Putting your baby in a corner is a reasonable enough punishment.

A child in a conflict situation needs to be alone with himself, without toys, without cartoons and other entertainment. Komarovsky advises putting the baby in the corner for exactly as many minutes as the child is (3 years - 3 minutes, 5 years - 5 minutes).

In the process of punishment, parents should not deprive the toddler of what he needs for life - walking in the fresh air, drinking and food.

The categorical “no” should be said only when the situation poses a potential danger to the health and life of the child and his family. Wire to the socket is not allowed, but booty on cold tiles is not allowed.

If the child is just throwing toys, then this prohibition is inappropriate here. It is better to explain why this is ugly, inconvenient, and why it is preferable to remove the toys after all. Then the prohibition will be perceived by the baby as something really important. The more often he hears "no", the less he attaches importance to it.

When demanding something and arguing for their demand, parents must stand their ground to the end.

What was impossible yesterday should be impossible today. All family members should support the demand and not change their decisions. This is an excellent prophylaxis for children and children.

If the mother teaches the child to "pronounce" his emotions, to call feelings in words (which is very difficult for all children!), Then this will help the baby to more easily go through all the "age crises" that occur at 2-3 years old, 6-7 years old and even at the age of 14-16, when the crises will be teenage and serious.

The ability to express their emotions frees the child from the need to scream. If he does not know how to do this, then screaming and crying on his part is the only way to show parents that something incomprehensible, bad is happening to him, which he cannot explain.

Dr. Komarovsky will tell you more about the rules for raising a naughty child in his program.

As you know, a person is formed in childhood, from where habits, habits, character are subsequently transferred into adulthood, influencing the state of his life. The formation and formation of a personality is always a difficult process, which is necessarily accompanied by a protest from the child. Disobedience is often a form of child protest. In such situations or even periods, many parents do not know how to behave correctly. As a result, there is a lack of understanding between generations, which is growing more and more each time. To avoid such tragic consequences, it is advisable for parents to understand the reason for the child's disobedience. After all, the solution to any problem lies in its origins.

Does the kid not want to dress in any? Doesn't he flatly refuse to wash his hands before eating? When you speak: "No you can not" - throws things and gets angry. Pulls the cat by the tail, after what you said it hurts. Licks the handrails on the bus. And then your patience ends. You have already gone over the entire arsenal: banned, joked, distracted - nothing helps. What to do when the child behaves unbearably and does not obey ...

Reasons for child disobedience

The main factors that can provoke a child into disobedience include:

1. Age crisis

In psychological practice, there are several periods of the age crisis: year, preschool, adolescence / transitional age.

Time frames can be set on an individual basis. However, it is with the onset of age-related crisis periods that significant changes occur in the child's life. For example, in a year he begins to walk actively, learns to be independent and learns the world with interest. Parents, for reasons of child safety, introduce various restrictions on the fun process, thus provoking a protest from the child.

We also read: How to properly go through the crisis periods of childhood and adolescence and foster confidence and independence in a child.

2. A large number of requirements and restrictions

Restrictions and prohibitions are of maximum benefit only in moderation. When everything is always forbidden to a child, he begins to rebel. If very often the child hears “CANNOT”, this causes him to protest and disobedience. For the experiment, you can count the amount of the spoken word "no" for an hour or a whole day. If the indicators go off scale, then it makes sense to extend the restrictions only to those actions of the child that can be potentially dangerous for him: playing on the road, pampering with medicines or electrical appliances. But do not constantly prohibit the baby from playing noisily, running or even throwing toys.

3. Lack of parental consistency

When parents turn a blind eye to the little pranks of children, children consider this behavior to be normal. But if you suddenly have a headache, for example, some troubles and problems at work, had a hard day, stressful situations, lost your mood - the parents punish the child for behavior that has always been considered “normal”. Then the child is at a loss, there is a conflict arising from a misunderstanding of the reason for the punishment. With the regular repetition of such situations, internal conflict begins to be expressed in disobedience.

4. Permissiveness

In this case, all restrictions and prohibitions have been lifted, and the child is absolutely free in his actions and words. Parents are happy, because the child is allowed to do everything, every whim is satisfied and the child has a “happy childhood”. But this idyll continues until a certain point, when it becomes clear that the child is uncontrollable. Then all attempts to instill in him the norms of a correct and respectful attitude are reduced to his disobedience, because the child is already spoiled.

5. Inconsistency of words and deeds

On a subconscious level, children always repeat the behavior of their parents, the features of which can be the main reason for children's disobedience, because it is hidden precisely in the peculiarities of the parents' behavior. A vivid example is the lack of fulfillment of promises, in particular, punishments, which results in ignoring parental words due to a frivolous attitude towards them. Or you can promise to reward your child for good behavior, but you don't keep your promises. So why then listen to you, you will deceive anyway.

6. Different requirements of family members

When one of the parents makes high demands on the child, and the other - slowly pity and pamper him, one of them loses authority in the eyes of children, which is expressed in a lack of obedience. Such a conflict is typical between parents (mom and dad: for example, dad makes more severe demands on the child, and mom secretly regrets and sympathizes with the baby, pampers him. Or, on the contrary, you need to obey your mother, she will always protect, but your father is not obligatory. In any case, a compassionate mother will intercede before this tyrant.) And grandparents, for the latter of whom it is common to pamper their beloved grandchildren and then parents suffer.

7. Lack of respect for the child

In this case, disobedience is rather a protest against injustice and your disrespect. With the unwillingness of parents to listen and hear their child, as well as their full confidence that the child should not have their own opinion, a protest arises from the child's side. It is important to remember that a child is a person, and he always has an opinion about everything in the world, even the most insignificant. In this case, at least it is necessary to pay attention to this.

8. Frequent family conflicts, divorce

Many parents, in finding out their attitude and solving various problems, forget to pay enough attention to the child. As a rule, the switch to the child occurs because of his pranks and pranks only in order to punish, after which the baby again fades into the background. Over time, this all leads to childish disobedience as a way to attract attention.

As far as divorce is concerned, it is very stressful for every child. The realization comes that now communication with parents will take place separately. Then the child begins to practice a defiant demeanor, because when he does something, the parents can for a while combine their educational efforts, just what he needs.

Video consultation: What to do when the child does not listen

Anastasia Vladimirovna Eliseeva, a teacher of the Voronezh Waldorf school "Rainbow", a 7th grade teacher, answers the parents' questions.

How to achieve obedience

Whatever the reason for children's disobedience, it is important to combat it. Namely:

1. Correlate the number of punishments and praises: for a serious offense, the child must necessarily be punished, but also do not forget about praise.
2. Be aware of how you express your injunction and how you react to the child's misconduct. It is more correct to replace the cry and categoricalness with a calm tone. At the same time, you should not be ashamed of your feelings, frankly telling the child what exactly and to what extent upsets. "Son, I'm so upset about your behavior." - believe me, the child will behave in a completely different way.
3. Use alternative ways to draw children's attention to your words. When a child is very passionate about something, it can be difficult to get him to switch to something else. Alternatively, you can address him in a whisper (also use facial expressions and gestures). The child will immediately notice the change in speech volume and will begin to listen - what happened.
4. Do not voice your requests many times. , because the child will get used to repeated repetitions, and the reaction on his part will begin only after the repetition, followed by punishment. To avoid this, it is advisable to develop a certain algorithm of actions: the first warning should be aimed at stimulating the child to stop acting without punishment; second, if he ignored the remark, punishment should follow; after the punishment, it is important to explain to the child the reason why he was punished. If this algorithm is strictly followed, the child's subconscious will begin to react to the first remark made.
5. When communicating with a child, you must stop using the "NOT" particle: Often in response to your requests: “Don't run”, “don't jump”, “don't shout”the child does the opposite. Do not think and do not worry about what your child does to spite you, just the human psyche, and especially the child's, is designed in such a way that phrases with a negative semantic coloring are omitted when perceived. For this reason, it is advisable to replace the negative particle with alternative phrases.
6. When the child is protesting in the form of a tantrum, try to calm down and not pay attention to it. When the child calms down, you should once again explain your request or requirements, using a calm tone. A great option is a distraction, when the child's attention is switched to a more entertaining activity or subject. For example, a child expresses a desire to eat independently, but all his attempts fail, since most of the food ends up on the floor. When adults try to feed the baby, protests, tantrums and disobedience begin. Then you can switch the child's attention to the doll, which the child must feed. He will surely like this idea. And at this time it becomes possible to feed the baby.
7. You must always follow the consistency in words, actions, demands and deeds. In the event of the slightest discrepancy, the child will cease to obey, but not out of harm as it may seem, but his confusion will become the cause of disobedience. To achieve the most positive result, all family members must agree on a sequence.
8. Give your child sufficient attention despite being busy and having various problems. In this case, we are not talking about the amount of time spent together. Its quality is important. Even half an hour of interesting time together with a child cannot be compared with a whole day of unproductive communication.
9. Be sympathetic to childhood maturation. It is the period of growing up that is most often the reason for disobedience. Often, under the influence of friends, a growing teenager shows his “coolness”. Thus, the child tries to express himself and prove his independence. Here it is important to choose the right approach to the child without losing authority and trust in his eyes.
10. If children's trust and respect is lost, you should try to regain them. There is no need to get into the soul of a child, it is enough to show interest in his life. It may turn out that the music he listens to is not as terrible as it seems, and modern literature may also have a deep philosophical meaning. In the process of communication, it will become clear that there are many topics of conversation where tastes and opinions converge.

Consultation by Yana Kataeva (specialist in relation to the family after the birth of children): what to do if the child does not obey - 5 tips for parents. Strengthen bond with your child

How to restore contact with a child

Continuing the theme of parental rapprochement with the child, several important points should be highlighted, thanks to which mutual mental and emotional contact with the child becomes possible:

1. An important role in children's obedience is a relationship of trust, the result of which is the child's understanding that parents are still better at coping with problems. The advantage of such a relationship, in contrast to unconditional submission, is the ability of the baby to ask questions of interest without fear of angering the parents. Parents, in turn, should ask counter questions, making it clear that the problem can be solved in several ways: “What do you think is the best thing to do? Can I count on your help? May I ask you to do this? ”.
2. If you want to ask your child about an important request, you should not forget about physical contact with him: you can hug him, kiss him, stroke him. This will be better than repeatedly shouting your request to him across the room. Through touching, the child realizes a mutual interest in fulfilling the request. This is the way to say: “We are together, and this is the main thing. What I tell you will not break our contact. I only hope to strengthen it. The most important thing is the relationship, not the desire of each of us. ”
3. It is equally important to maintain trusting eye contact with the child. In the presence of sharp movements and a stern gaze, the child begins to defend himself on the subconscious, perceiving any request as a threat and a desire to exert psychological pressure on him, and he will perceive a request to fulfill something as an ultimatum.
4. If you want your child to constantly and obediently fulfill your requests, it is extremely important to thank him for the next completed task or service rendered. Words of gratitude will strengthen the child's belief that they are loved and that it is up to him to improve the relationship. Moral, psychological encouragement is valued by children much more than candy. Thus, an incentive to work will be developed. We also read:
5. The child must understand that in especially urgent cases, when there is a threat to the safety of the family, all its members must obey the elder without question. For this, the baby must be aware of possible problems. He should delicately explain that strict adherence to the rules is the basis for saving lives and health of people. At the same time, one can mention the possibility of negotiating with parents. It will not be superfluous if the child makes sure that his parents are ready to obey him in special cases.

Situations

Any theory should always be supported by practice. In this case, for clarity and a kind of "practical guide" for parents, it makes sense to consider and analyze the following situations:

Situation 1. What age is most characteristic of child disobedience? When is the so-called starting point expected? Is disobedience typical for a one year old child?

In this case, everything is purely individual, and “reference points” for everyone can begin at a different age period. Kids can throw tantrums at 2 years old, or at 5 years old they may not know that there is such a way to get their way. The environment and the people around the baby have a great influence. He may begin to imitate a cartoon character or a peer who orders tantrums from his parents, after which he will experiment on his own. In such a situation, the main rule is not to indulge in whims. Otherwise, this behavior will become a habit in the child.

It is a different matter when disobedience manifests itself in the validity of the baby's demands. For example, he expresses a desire to dress, put on shoes or eat on his own. As a result of the fact that he is not allowed to do this, the child begins to hysteria. And in this he is right. But if the hysteria has already begun, then he is right or not - all the same, show firmness, he will have to come to terms with the fact that nothing can be achieved by crying and crying. And you draw a conclusion for the future and do not provoke more similar situations.

Situation 2. Disobedience and behavior problems can also occur in children 2 years of age. What is the reason for disobedience at this age? Why does the child not respond to requests from adults? And what to do in such cases?

According to experts, it is at the age of 2 that the personality begins to form in children, and by the age of 3 it is already almost fully formed. For this reason, at this age, as mentioned above, one should not indulge children's whims, otherwise it will be too late later.

It is also worth considering that the same child may behave differently with different caregivers. It's all about the correct presentation and communication with the baby. Perhaps you noticed this in your family - the child does not obey the mother, and the navel - without question.

Situation 3. Most often, the peak of disobedience occurs at the age of 2-4 and manifests itself in frequent or even regular tantrums. What is the right thing to do if a child 2-4 years old does not obey?

This age period in children is marked by testing the parents for strength and "probing" the boundaries of what is permissible. It is especially important here to be patient with perseverance. To miss this period in education means to doom yourself to big problems in the future with character, obedience, and family relationships, in general.

You can also practice soulful conversations with a child who at that age becomes reasonably intelligent and understanding. Talk to your child, become an authority for him, not just a parent.

Situation 4. At the age of 6-7 years, the child already knows the value of his actions, distinguishing between good and bad behavior, how one can behave and how not. However, even at this age, some children show disobedience, only deliberately “for evil”. What are the recommendations for this age?

7 years is a kind of milestone, one of the turning points in a child's life, when he begins to rethink and change his life views. And this is due to the beginning of the school period, when certain loads and requirements begin. In this situation, praise is the best parenting tactic. Moreover, warm words must be spoken even about minor points. It is praise that will become a powerful incentive for which the child will try.

Situation 5. A naughty child knows very well the reaction to his misdeeds of all family members. You can often face a lack of mutual understanding between them, when one parent scolds and punishes, and the other regrets or cancels the punishment. How should the correct upbringing in the family be built? How to achieve unanimous resolution of conflicts?

The main thing that all family members must understand is that the child turns all the disagreements in his favor. It is important to avoid such situations as there is a high likelihood of loss of credibility. The child's knowledge of the reactions of all family members allows him to manipulate them. Very often spoiled children grow up in such families, who later become uncontrolled.

During the absence of the child, it is advisable to organize a family council, where the situation should be discussed in detail. It is important to come to a common denominator when it comes to raising a child. You also need to consider some of the tricks that children use: they can ask permission from one adult, but not get consent. Then they immediately go to another - and he permits. The result is disobedience and disrespect for mom today, which can result in the same for dad tomorrow.

We also read: A friendly family will turn the mountain, or how to overcome differences in raising a child -

You need to understand that there are no trifles when it comes to raising a child. Kindergarten or elementary school teachers also discuss any little things for themselves, starting from where to change clothes for children, how to put a table and chairs in class, in which sink do the boys wash their hands, and in which one are girls, and other seemingly insignificant issues for education ... But this is necessary so that the children later do not say that we are sitting in the wrong way with Maria Ivanovna or that we are not standing with Natalia Petrovna. There is no need to give children reason to doubt the correctness of our requirements, because everything starts with little things. To begin with, the child simply does not understand why one says, do this, and the other does. Questions appear, then a protest, and then a banal manipulation and refusal to obey at the first shaky situation.

Be sure to pay attention to children's tricks and manipulation by adults. For example, when a baby tries to take time off to take a walk with his mother and receives an answer like: "First do your homework, and then you go for a walk", then goes to the father with the same request and receives permission. Today, using dad's thoughtless permission, he shows disobedience and disrespect to mom's opinion, tomorrow he will do the same with dad, and the day after tomorrow he will not ask his parents at all. Stop such manipulations and provocations of conflict in the family. Agree between yourself that for any requests you both first ask for the opinion of the other parent, you can just ask the child: "What did dad (/ mom) say (/ a)?", and then give an answer. If there are disagreements of opinion, discuss them among yourself, but always so that the child does not hear. In general, try not to sort things out in front of the child, no matter what issue your dispute concerns.

Situation 6. All mothers, without exception, are familiar with the situation when, when they visit a store together, a child asks to buy another toy or candy. However, it is not possible to constantly delight your beloved child with purchases. And then, upon refusal to buy the required thing, the child throws a tantrum and falls hysterically on the floor in the store. How to behave in such a situation?

Nothing can be done, children always want something. They want the same hare as Masha's, or the same typewriter as Igor's - this is normal. Agree, and we are far from all and we do not always agree to understand that you should not buy a new bag, because there are already 33 bags in the closet at home, and in normal condition. What do you want from a child ?! So he fell to the floor, sobbing and screaming, rolling around the store - a very common situation, natural, I would say. And if you buy everything that the child asks now, tomorrow he will do the same and get what he wants again. Why not? It worked once!

A child's desire for sweets or a new toy is quite natural: he does not have this or he has not tried this yet. You can't blame him for that. The best way out of the situation will be a serious and calm conversation with the child before visiting the store, in which it is important for him to understand the reason for the impossibility of buying, but do not lisp, say, as with an adult: “There is no money, you still need to earn it. And they already bought you a toy this month ”- and so on, calmly and confidently. If the conversation did not lead to the desired results, and the child still threw a tantrum in the store, take him and calmly, without shouting and spanking, carry him home. Do not pay attention to passers-by, believe me, they see this quite often, you will not surprise them with anything.

Situation 7. Requests, persuasion, arguments and arguments do not have the desired effect on the child - the child does not obey. What is the reason for this behavior? What mistakes do parents make?

There are three most important, most common, and most pernicious mistakes made by parents:

1. Follow the child's lead.Yes, of course, every child is a person, but you need to understand the scope of what is permissible, you need to be aware of what this will lead to later.
2. Discussion of various moments and behavior with a child.If you are discussing, then there are disagreements - the child should not even suspect about them!
3. Scream at the child. Shouting is not only stupid, ugly, a bad role model, but it is also ineffective.

Disobedience and punishment

It is important to consider two rules when it comes to punishing misconduct:

1. It is necessary to give an account of your actions, their reasons, and also think about the thoughts of the child, who should feel the justice of the punishment. In similar situations, you cannot act in two ways, relying only on mood or other factors (for example, today you are in a good mood and you did not pay attention to the baby's misconduct, and tomorrow you were punished for the same misbehavior).
2. In serious situations, the child must clearly understand the validity of the parents' actions. If the baby does not obey, punishment is a completely natural result. It will be exactly as the parents said (preferably in a calm tone).

If the child does not obey, the punishment should come naturally to him. This is what is important to teach the baby - the understanding of the naturalness and inevitability of punishment. Life itself demonstrates examples of this. If you drive a red light, you can get into an accident. Without wearing a hat, you can catch a cold. While indulging in a cup of tea, you can spill hot on yourself and so on.

Before punishing a child, it is necessary to explain what his pampering is fraught with. You should speak in a calm, confident tone that does not tolerate objections.
Proper education and the formation of the character of the child is possible if the following principles are observed :

• The main purpose of punishment is to deprive the child of some meaningful pleasure for him;
• The restriction should be implemented immediately, and not postponed until later. In children, the sense of time is developed differently, and the punishment, executed after a certain interval, can cause bewilderment in the child, as a result of which it is likely to hold a grudge;
• The word “no” should be categorical and firm, not tolerating compromise, persuasion and discussion, no need to negotiate with the child and cancel your decision. If you follow the lead and give in to persuasion, you can become an object of manipulation. Therefore, think before making decisions, so that later you do not regret what was said and do not change your decisions on the go. Children immediately understand that it is possible to negotiate with you, and then you yourself will not notice how your child begins to set the framework for behavior, and not you.
• Whatever the offense, you should not raise your hand against the child. Thus, you can provoke aggression and notoriousness;
• You should abandon constant external control over the child. This is fraught with a lack of children's independence, decisiveness, responsibility, such children are easily amenable to someone else's opinion and are not able to make any serious decisions. All this then develops into adulthood (among drug addicts, the majority of these are people, those who easily succumb to other people's influence).

The child cannot be punished in the following cases:

• while eating;
• during the illness;
• after or before bedtime;
• when the child is very keen on independent play;
• when the child wanted to please or help you, but accidentally ruined something;
• CATEGORALLY it is not necessary to punish the child in front of strangers.

Be logical, consistent in your behavior, when you punish the child, it should not change depending on your mood. The child must clearly understand that if he commits this offense, he will be punished. If you got away with the wrong behavior today because you are in a good mood and you don’t want to spoil it, be prepared for him to do it again tomorrow. But if this time you punish him, he will either not understand what happened, why you are doing it, or he will draw the wrong conclusions. That is why children often do not admit their deeds, waiting for an opportunity when you will be in a good mood in order to avoid punishment. You shouldn't teach your kids to lie to you.

We read materials on the topic of punishment:

To punish or not punish a child for accidental misconduct –

8 loyal ways to punish children. How to properly punish a child for disobedience –

To beat or not beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children –

Why you can't spank a child - 6 reasons –

Children's whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other? –

Video: How to Punish Children for Disobedience

8 mistakes in parenting

Often, certain mistakes of parents become the reasons for children's disobedience:

1. Lack of eye contact. When a child is keen (playing or watching cartoons), it is difficult to switch his attention. However, looking into a child's eyes and making a request can do wonders.
2. You set difficult tasks for the child. You should not ask your child to complete several tasks at once. Thus, he will only get confused and in the end will not do anything. It is advisable to divide your request into simple and small steps.
3. You are vague in your thoughts.When you see that the child is indulging (throwing toys), do not ask him how long he will still throw his toys! The kid will understand everything literally, so it's better to say, for example, like this: "Stop throwing toys!"
4. You talk a lot... All requirements should be concise using simple and short sentences. If the child is indulging, one should say, “You cannot do this!” And then try to distract the child.
5. Don't raise your voice... Shouting will only make matters worse. The child will continue to play on the sly because of the fear of screaming. Be consistent in your decisions and behave calmly!
6. You expect a quick response. Children under the age of 6 need time to be aware (in order to hear and fulfill the request) and to complete the task.
7. You are repeating over and over like a parrot. The child must acquire some skills on his own. And the constant repetition of what he needs to do will turn him into a lack of initiative. Children have a well-developed visual memory, so various reminder pictures will help a lot!
8. Simultaneous demand and denial. Do not use the “not” particle. Requests with the prefix “not” act on the child in reverse, because “not” the baby's perception misses. It is best to replace it with alternative phrases. For example: “Don't get into a puddle” to alternative options, for example: “Let's go around this puddle on the grass!”

Stories

The personality of the child, as well as the degree of his obedience, is determined by the parenting style that is practiced in the family:

1. Authoritarian (active suppression of the will of the child)... It consists in suppressing the child's will, when the child does and thinks only in accordance with the parental wishes. The child is literally "trained"
2. Democratic... Assumes that the child has the right to vote, as well as his involvement in various activities related to the family. although some things are not discussed, since they are not part of the child's responsibility, the main format of communication between parent and child is not orders, but a meeting.
3. Mixed... It is characterized by the “carrot and stick” method. parents sometimes tighten the “nuts” and sometimes loosen them. Children adapt to him too, living their carefree life from "whipping" to "whipping". We also read:

Some of these parenting styles produce the following stories:

1. Too smart

7-year-old Denis is the middle child in the family. Parents are worried about his lack of response to their requests. Hearing problems were suspected, but everything turned out to be normal. Denis is the reason for the untimely sitting of all family members at the table, the crush in the bathroom in the morning, as well as the late arrival of brothers and sisters to school. Even if you speak sternly and loudly, he can calmly do his own thing. Authorities have no effect on him. Never saw strong emotions, no fear, no joy on his face. His parents began to suspect that he had serious internal disorders associated with mental and neurological problems.

According to the results of the examinations, it was revealed that Denis has a sufficiently high and lively intellect. He carried on conversations with enthusiasm, told that chess is his favorite game, with pleasure and sensible told that he had recently read. The conversation lasted more than two hours, during which Denis was not only not tired, but his interest in everything that was happening was growing. Disobedience was the result of high brain activity and a focus on the internal solution of more complex problems. Denisov's parents were upset because the only desire was "So that he listens and, together with other children, fulfill my requests."