Tips for a friend about an unhappy marriage. An unhappy marriage is deadly. You are growing further apart

According to statistics, in our country only 10 out of 100 marriages are concluded according to love... The reason for the creation of other families can be a variety of reasons. This is the unexpected pregnancy of the girl, and the desire to change life, and the fear of loneliness. Such marriages are deliberately doomed to misfortune. In families where one loves and the other allows to love, the following situations are most often typical: a husband or wife walks, drinks, does not respect, prefers to live at the expense of a partner.

Rarely unhappy marriage people find the strength to end their problematic cohabitation, many people think: "If a child grows up, then I will file for divorce!", "Better endure than trying to seek happiness and make mistakes a second time", "All people are unhappy in marriage, I am no exception " etc. Most people continue to live in marriage, because they are afraid to leave the child without a father or mother, or do not believe that after a divorce, they can be happy.

Surprising behavior of people, who, for the sake of preserving their marriage, are ready to endure indifference and inattention to themselves, disrespect and even. They live under the same roof with a person whom they have not loved for a long time, preferring to endure humiliation, insults, treason and assault for many years. And only in old age, looking back, they understand that life is wasted, it is impossible to remember something good that a person with whom you have lived for so many years together. In my soul, instead of gratitude - hatred, instead of a desire to help - to avenge a bunch of nerves, complexes, crying tears, the pain of betrayal and hopelessness.

And only after 50 years, many people come to the understanding that there was no need to wait and endure, but it was necessary to start everything from scratch and try to become happy. There was no need to listen to the advice of those who argued that each person builds his own happiness. Happiness in marriage is possible only when there is a community of interests between the spouses, understanding and the desire to make every effort to improve their life together.

If one of partners makes every effort, wishing to make all family members happy, and the second tries to do nothing and live at his expense, then only spiritual masochists can continue to wait for respect and happiness in this case. Looks like it gives them pleasure to suffer and wait due to the mental makeup of their character. Happiness in marriage is possible only when each of the spouses understands that next to him is a person with his own dreams, needs and desires, when each strives to make the other happy. And for this you need to love ...

There is nothing unnatural about what a person wants to have family, raise children and be happy. Just do not, being married, take on the role of a victim and endure, following the advice of the parents, "it is necessary" or "to change one for the other - just waste time." Much more is needed for happiness ... If a person were happy in marriage, he would never leave the family. Every person makes mistakes in life, but this does not mean that he should pay for this mistake with his happiness. Do not be afraid to step on the same rake twice, a second marriage for many people becomes a chance for happiness. After all, he already chooses a partner for himself, taking into account past relationships and knows what qualities of a partner are most valuable for family life.

In many families wife and husband continue to live together only for the sake of children or because it is not good to get divorced. They have no desire to spend their free time together and discuss family problems. They have become completely strangers to each other, but they are afraid to divorce because of the condemnation of others or to deprive the child of his father. Of course, divorce is a serious psychological trauma for both the spouses themselves and their children. But also think about whether you are depriving yourself of happiness by taking on the role of victim, not only yourself, but also your child. After all, happy children grow up only with happy parents, and how will he grow up in an atmosphere where parents constantly swear, call each other names and slam doors?

If you have already lived in marriage more than 7 years, and problems and scandals do not stop, then this may be the first sign that it is time for you to try to live separately. You have already lived through critical periods of family life - 3 years and 7 years, and it is hardly worth hoping for a better life further. It is not at all necessary to immediately file for divorce, first, analyze your life and invite your spouse to check your relationship with separation. For example, live separately for one year. In doing so, try to create the same conditions as if you were already divorced.

If in separation you understand that your marriage was a mistake, and you and your children are much more comfortable and safer to live separately, you can safely file for divorce. And vice versa, if during the period of your separate residence you constantly recalled only the pleasant moments of your family life and realized that you were wrong in many ways, then the need for a divorce itself will come to naught, and the relationship between spouses will become much better.

Modern sociologists believe that in recent years traditional marriage has outlived its usefulness, and civil and guest marriages have become the most relevant. Today, most women, just like men, are able to independently provide not only themselves, but also their children. A child raised in an incomplete family, who regularly communicates with his father and respects his decision, is now considered the norm. However, many people continue to endure humiliation, abuse, and even assault by a partner, taking on the role of victim and depriving themselves of the opportunity to be happy.

Hello, I ask for help, because in this state I cannot find the right way out. I am Russian. I married an adult Georgian, there was a passion, but there was no love on my part, he courted me very well, took care of me, and that bribed me. You can say I replaced my father, I missed my cat so much. I was 17, he was 31, in I gave birth to a boy for 20 years, a rented apartment, construction of my own house, a small child, everything suited us, there were of course quarrels, because we were disappointed in each other, he did not coincide with my idea of \u200b\u200bmy husband, and I did not coincide with his idea of \u200b\u200ba wife. But there was a child and a house, and in general we looked and look like a normal family. We have been officially scheduled for 9 years. The child is also 9. I am a housewife with a roof at the moment. I can't see my life without fulfillment in work, without communication with people. I am fixated on everyday life moments. From this I became angry, dissatisfied, my relationship with my son deteriorates. I generally keep quiet about my husband. I just hate him. I am unhappy with my husband. I become a dumb, angry housewife. My husband provides for the family, I'm certainly grateful for that, but ... I'm unhappy. You say, what did you want, jumping out for such a marriage? And you will be right, only I realized it too late.

Divorce is not an option either, we live in a small city, it will not give life, a child can blackmail, they will turn my life into an even bigger nightmare. Go somewhere, but after all, people are right when they say that you cannot run away from yourself. Take the child with you, and who will need him if the mother earns money from morning to night. And to go without a child, it is tantamount for me and him too, that to leave and leave for an easy life. And I ask you to help me get out of this circle without destroying my family. I'm depressed now. My husband does not understand what I am missing, dressed, shod, fed and there is a roof over my head. And I also wanted to say that he also does not need a son, like a wife, this is purely formal, because everyone has a wife and children and he also started, so that we would just be. And he doesn't know what to do with us. And when we ask for something, he simply scolds us. He is busy with work, with his joy and friends. With us, he either does not like to rest or does not know how. And he also says that their wives only sit at home. I have a higher pedagogical education, I started talking to him about my employment, to which he replied, all women who work, fuck right and left. He says you better take care of your son, but the son, due to the increased negative attention from my side, becomes uncontrollable. In our family, such a word as love has been trampled underfoot. Help break out of this vicious circle. Thank you in advance.

I sympathize with your situation, it is not easy to stay at home with a child without realization, support, love, friends. It is not surprising that you are depressed, you have absolutely no resources, nowhere to apply your energy ... And it seems that you have the feeling that you are trapped.

There are some points in your story that hooked me.
First, you have an idea of \u200b\u200bhow things will turn out if you get divorced. It is probably related to your experience, and it stops you. And I want to object to her: yes, it will not be easy without any doubt, but you will gain freedom - of thoughts, actions. Find yourself. And a child with a mother who takes care of herself will feel differently. In the meantime, he can copy the disrespectful attitude towards you on the part of her husband, and consider this the norm. And in the current situation there are pluses for the sake of which you stay, and in the potential choice there will also be difficulties and positive sides.

When it comes to relationships, it is not clear whether you love your husband and he loves you. Are you both ready for a life and relationship change? In the direction where he ceases to be your dad, who is so afraid that he will not let you go anywhere, and you are a daughter who does not dare to contradict. (This is a diagram for an example, perhaps this is not about you. The main thing here is that the relationship is frozen in certain roles). After all, you can frighten yourself all your life with an evil yuzh and do nothing, and still not take responsibility for your life. It seems to be useless to wait for changes from the husband, and even on his initiative. Are you ready to live like this for the rest of your life?

Another story, if there is a risk of physical harm, then you need to think carefully about security issues to begin with.

These are all difficult questions, you should not expect and demand quick decisions and actions from yourself, but I would like to wish you to start taking care of yourself a little: find friends, study the market for work from home remotely, play sports, listen to pleasant music - whatever. , you can just a little bit, just to regain sensitivity to yourself, to cultivate the importance of yourself for yourself.

Evgeniya Bulyubash
Consultations in person and via skype, Moscow

Our women often take troubled marriages for granted. They refer to the fact that everyone lives like this, and someone lives even worse. And they think loneliness is even worse. However, in reality, an unhappy marriage suppresses a woman, depriving her of the opportunity to become happy. What are the characteristics of a woman who is unhappy in marriage?

Yearning

You are doing well, but you still don’t know what to do with yourself? Such confusion is very typical for women who do not feel happy in marriage, but have not yet fully connected this event with their longing. The society of your beloved husband has ceased to please you, but you are afraid to admit it to yourself.

Sexual dissatisfaction

It doesn't depend on whether you have sex. This is possible even if you have a full sex life. But your partner has ceased to satisfy you, and you cannot figure out the reasons in any way.

Unwillingness to have sex with a partner

You really want sex, but your husband does not turn you on, this is a reason to think about whether you are happily married to this person. Intimacy is one of the most important components of a happy relationship, and if desire has subsided, this can signal serious problems.

Desire for intrigue

You are not really in love with anyone, but you really want to. It's not that you want another man. You just yearn for this feeling when you are in love, when signs of attention are shown to you. It makes you feel welcome.

Irritation from scratch

If you are angry about little things, and your husband's actions begin to cause you uncontrollable irritation, this is also a signal that feelings have begun to decline.

Indifference

You don't care what your man says, thinks or does. You don't even get jealous of other girls anymore - no need. This is the most eloquent sign of any other sign that your feelings for him have subsided.

Interest in other men

No, you don't just look at them with an appraising gaze. You think about the fact that you would not mind starting a relationship with them, or at least having sex. This is a sure sign that you are not particularly happy in your current relationship.

Expert opinion

What are the signs of unhappiness?

This woman does not belong to herself, that is, she is not realized and her whole interest is reduced to controlling her spouse. Jealousy and resentment in such families are old friends. Mutual understanding, direct contact without manipulation in such a relationship are rare guests. Quality sex is replaced by sex on duty, if there is any.

What is misery?

Unhappiness is the absence of oneself. This is the disintegration of the personality into small pieces, which entails uncertainty in every step, anxiety and fear. Lack of life here and now. All these factors are the imbalance and disharmony of the mental structures of the personality, which entails ineffective adaptation in the environment.

How to overcome this condition?

It is possible to overcome this state only through awareness, that is, attention in the moment and testing reality with the question: “What is happening now? And how can I change that? " Through relaxation and breathing, through feeling your body, you can plunge into yourself and ask yourself questions of this nature: “Is this really what I want to spend my life on? What are the first steps I can take to change the destructive reality? "

What is an unhappy marriage?

An unhappy marriage is a marriage where people live for years and do not know their partner, do not show interest, do not hear each other, manipulate, do not know how to talk without clarifying the relationship, in a word, do not know how to build relationships.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! My husband and I have been married for 3 years, in a relationship for 4 years. We met on the Internet, talked by video link all night long for about six months, he came to me from Kazakhstan. Now our daughter is 3 years old. I'm on maternity leave, I don't work. The husband works seven days a week, and spends everything he takes at home in front of the TV with beer. I used to drink heavily and raised my hand. Now he doesn't drink much, but he drinks often. Because of his pathological jealousy, I stopped communicating with anyone, he constantly speaks negatively about meetings with friends. Even after walking around the city once a year with my sister, I hear negative things, basically that I am looking for someone, they introduce me to someone and the like. I understand him that when he comes home from work (he is a car mechanic) he does not want to go out somewhere, but I sit at home within 4 walls around the clock, except for walks with a child. I watch how my friends spend time with their family, I see families in the park and I do not understand why this is not the case here. We do not have anything in common. In the evening, coming home, he sits down at the TV or computer. The child is also of little interest. I'm only interested in him when it comes to sex. And when asked to walk with us or go to the park, a scandal breaks out. I understand him, he gets tired. But at the same time, after work, he does not get tired of standing around the house and drinking beer with friends until 2-3 at night. And I don't see a way out, I want us to have a happy family. But nothing connects us. He thinks that I got drunk sitting at home and doing nothing. It looks from his side that he comes tired from work, and I pull him to take a walk in the park, and he wants to rest - on Saturday and Sunday he works four hours and arrives earlier, I ask him to take a walk with us. When I drink it, he will come with us. There are joint trips to the cinema once every six months or a year. If we go to the sea once a month or a couple of months (considering that my mother lives by the sea, and we go to her), he definitely needs to get drunk. And when he drinks, he ceases to control himself and concerts begin. Accordingly, we cannot go to visit someone, because he will need to get drunk. When he drinks, in general, hatred for me spills out of him. His craving for alcohol is also one of the reasons I want to get a divorce. And he has any quarrel or showdown is a reason to get drunk. He is a good husband, works, tries, his daughter loves, says that she loves me, I love him. But we have each on his own. If not for the child, I probably would have already divorced. Help me!

Psychologist Elina Aleksandrovna Dvoretskaya answers the question.

Hello Irina!

Your letter is literally riddled with pain. This is a call for help. Let's figure out what is happening in your life. You write that you want you to have a happy family. And as I understand it, your views on happiness in the family do not coincide with your husband. Happiness for you is a joint pastime, walks, trips. And for him a happy family is just how he lives. Yes, it happens, we are all different people, and our idea of \u200b\u200bhappiness may not coincide. As I understand it, you met him on the Internet, and did not understand each other well. Because communicating at night on Skype is not at all like living together.

From your letter I can assume that you are living with an emotionally dependent person. You write that your husband suffers from pathological jealousy. Such unfounded jealousy is inherent in people with low self-esteem and strong psychological dependence on relationships with a partner. Such people are rarely characterized by self-sufficiency, confidence in their attractiveness and developed self-esteem.

But what worries me more is the likelihood of chemical addiction. This is exactly what concerns alcohol. And you need to pay close attention to this, and already now start “ringing the bells”, ie take all the necessary measures so that this does not turn into a serious illness. Moreover, in alcoholic intoxication, he becomes very aggressive.

Living with a dependent person makes a partner of the same dependent, or codependent person. I will not write about what addiction is - codependency here, but I suggest you read the articles on the Internet.

How you proceed further is up to you. Here I see two ways: either to accept him entirely as he is, with his ideas about family and leisure, and really try to find himself, his place in life, i.e. try to self-actualize in some kind of activity. Or start all over again in a different relationship, with another person. But in no case can one put up with chemical dependence.

If you study modern statistics, they are scary. There are 70 divorces per 100 married couples. Of course, everyone has their own reasons, which force us to part with the one to whom he once swore an oath to be together in joy and sorrow, but sometimes it is a hasty and thoughtless decision to start a family that leads to the fact that people after a magnificent wedding or not understand that their marriage is not happy. And before deciding on a divorce, most still think about what to do so that the marriage ceases to be unhappy.

Why marriage can be unhappy

If one of the spouses feels unhappy, dissatisfied with how the life together has developed, he does not feel satisfied, no matter for what reasons, such a marriage is definitely unsuccessful. Even if the second is satisfied and believes that their family life is a success.

Everyone is unhappy in their own way, for someone certain situations or behavior mean nothing, but for someone they are terrible, unacceptable and painful. It all depends on how strong and healthy a person's psyche is, whether he knows how to love himself, value himself, whether he understands what he wants from life, what makes him happy, what he is ready to go for for his comfort, and what is unacceptable for him.

Many people believe that when they meet love, they will immediately become happy, their life will be filled with light and joy, sorrows and problems will disappear, everything will be good and wonderful for them. And when this does not happen, they do not even understand that sometimes the reason is not what kind of man is next to them, but what representatives of the opposite sex they like, with whom they want to have a relationship, and with whom not, how are they generally see their family life.

They do not realize that happiness does not depend on whether they are free or married. It, no matter how trite or worn out, depends on the person himself. From his ability to enjoy life, whether he is alone or in a relationship, from how satisfied he is with his self-realization, fulfilling desires, whether he is happy with what he sees or does, whether he helps others, what he dreams of, what he believes, what he hopes for, from what laughs, what he enjoys at any moment, whether he perceives difficulties as tasks that he can solve, as experiences that help him grow up and become wiser, or as insoluble problems. If a person is happy when he is free, love will only make his life even better, and not make him happy.

If the person himself is unhappy, he usually dissolves in the life of a loved one, lives not his or her life, but his or her, forgets about his interests, and then very soon the spouse may get tired of them. There is no more attraction, interest, desire to be together, because their partner has completely dissolved in him, and who is interested with his shadow.

When women are sure that only marriage will make them happy, help solve all their problems, deal with contradictions, relieve fears, fill their lives, and do not supplement what they already have, it is then that future problems are already laid in the family, although it not yet created. Whoever is ready to pull another person on himself, becomes for him a light in the window, constantly feeling how he surrounds him with suffocating attention, considers him a lifesaver, does not let go of himself a step, and is constantly afraid that he will disappear or not love much ... After all, when it is difficult, she will not support, because all her life she hoped only for him, and not for herself.

Marriages are not happy for those who do not know how to love themselves. Such people do not know what love is and are not able to give it until they love themselves. And people cannot live happily together when they do not feel that they are loved, valued, thought about, worried about, taken care of, given freedom, not limited, but supported, and create a feeling of reliability that he or she is always there. And no matter how they try to demand it, even with the help of shouts, hysterics, insults, claims, a person who does not love himself is not able to give what he does not possess. After all, you can show love when you show it to yourself, and you know what it is.