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Is your relationship with your beloved not going as smoothly as you would like? Tired of quarrels and disagreements, instead of a happy life together? In this article you will find the most valuable advice from psychologists, you will be able to find out the common mistakes of women.
1) Be honest and open when communicating after meeting. Don't try to look better than you really are.
35% of women have this habit of trying to meet standards. To be the best in everything is, of course, great. But if you adjust to your new boyfriend, then you will cease to be yourself.
You told him you cook well, even though your culinary masterpieces are not always edible? He goes in for sports, and you, in order not to fall face down in the mud, began to do it together, although you hate everything connected with him?
Sooner or later, this self-embellishment will come out. And the young man will understand that next to him is not quite the woman he met. Or you yourself will get a breakdown from the fact that you are struggling to live up to the ideal.
2) Take your time
The quieter you go, the further you'll get. This advice characterizes the development of a relationship very well. Women love to think ahead and mentally try on the role of a married lady. But if you hurry up and choose the wrong person, then your happiness will be short-lived.
In addition, do not ask your loved one too early questions about his future plans. This can scare a young person. It will be better if you gradually get to know each other more and more. And your untimely questions can literally scare a man away. And this will prevent him from seeing your merits: kindness, caring for people, sincerity, etc.
If you have patience and just enjoy the present moment without looking ahead, then it is quite possible that in the future you will have a happy family with this person.
Also, do not rush to start a life together. This is also a very serious step. If people come together, at a stage when they did not know each other well, they can expect unpleasant surprises. Having got to know a person properly, perhaps, the desire to be with him will disappear. As a result, both partners will be disappointed in the opposite sex.
3) don't forget about yourself
The essence of a woman is such that being in a relationship with a loved one, she begins to devote herself to them by all 200%. But the effect of such behavior is the opposite - dissatisfaction, anger, resentment.
When such women read advice that it is necessary to show femininity, patience, wisdom, then this causes them strong irritation. A wave of indignation envelops them. "Why should I do all this: adjust, be always understanding and please?"
Why do such thoughts arise? This is what the fairer sex thinks, so tired of relationships and men in general that they even begin to prefer loneliness. You spend all your energy on relationships, and you get too little in return. Therefore, there is no need to engage in selfless giving without boundaries.
And the most unpleasant thing is waiting for a couple ahead. As a result of strong dissatisfaction, the girl subconsciously takes revenge on her beloved. The feminine revenge of a disgruntled woman is a terrible force. It targets the weakest points. For example, things start to get upset, financial losses appear.
How does all this happen, if you do not do it on purpose? Of course, the girl does not make grandiose plans for revenge. Our thoughts are material. It is unconscious thoughts that influence the formation of the space in which the man is. Therefore, you can always notice: a man never achieves his goals by being next to an offended woman.
Is your life partner annoying you? You don't want to do anything for him? Then the question itself arises. Why are you wasting your life in such a relationship? It is difficult to call it love, but this is exactly what everyone wants so much. Happiness in a couple is realizable only if there is a mutual desire to do something for the other half.
Case from practice:
Natalya, 29 years old, contacted us for a consultation. The girl wanted to file for divorce, but she doubted because of the child. With her husband in marriage for 5 years, the relationship was very tense. He literally annoyed her with his appearance, not to mention making general plans. Together with Natalya, we found out that immediately after the wedding, they doted on each other and understood each other perfectly.
The problem was that the girl gave too much energy to her husband. She spent half a day in the kitchen and doing housework, and spent the remaining half day with her husband. And only when he was making plans with friends, she allowed herself to do something else. Her husband also treated her well, cared for her, tried to build a career, but Natalya said that this was not enough for her.
Day after day she waited, expecting something more. But that didn't happen. Subconscious irritation and resentment against her husband accumulated more and more. And thus, the relationship began to gradually deteriorate. At first, Natalya sometimes began to break down at her husband, when, as usual, he did not put his things away, did not wash the dishes. After a while, her husband's habits and manner of speaking began to irritate her.
Together with Natalia, we came to the conclusion that the best solution would be to get a divorce. Since during such a period of time - 5 years they became strangers, one might even say enemies. By the way, Natalia's husband has problems with work and financial difficulties in the family. After the divorce, his situation improved somewhat. This case illustrates how relationships can affect a man's fulfillment and career.
5 psychologist's tips on how not to dive into a relationship with your head:
- If you have an important decision to make, take a break.
Why do you need to slow down a little to make the right choice? Women, unlike men, are very emotional. Therefore, they often say something under the influence of outbursts of emotion. And after a while they change their minds. So don't be in a hurry.
- Don't fall for gimmicks
During a serious conversation with your man, if you need something from him, then there are many tricks to get away. For example, pretend that you haven't heard anything, skip to another question. If you do not fall into these traps, but learn to persistently and gently remind about your own, then the result will be positive.
- Your desires and goals should not fade into the background.
In order not to dissolve in a relationship with a man, you must always be clearly aware of your path and your dreams, desires.
For example, you have found a job that interests you. And tell your loved one about your desire to go to work. His reaction is as follows: since he would like you to be a housewife, he gives you an expensive, pleasant gift. Thus, trying to distract you from your thoughts about work. If at this moment you succumb to the influence of a man, then this is a direct deviation from your needs.
- Don't confuse pity and love
Pity and love for many women are close concepts. And many, feeling pity, see it as love. It happens that men, knowing this weak female place, use it for their own purposes. Don't get caught in these nets. You deserve to have a strong man with you who is able to take care of himself.
- Don't fall for empty promises
It has long been known that a woman loves with her ears. Men have learned to play on this to their advantage. There is such behavior in men when they say a lot of beautiful words at the same time, without doing as promised. By the way, gigolo swindlers also resort to this trick. Therefore, always assess the situation objectively. Does the man make at least some of his promises.
4) Understand why you need a relationship? What do you want from them?
In a relationship with a man, it is important to understand why you need them at all. Many will be surprised: “How is this why? To create a family, bring up children together, so as not to be lonely. " But the children will grow up and will live their own lives, and you will again be alone with your husband. To have someone nearby is also not a very strong argument. After all, anyone can be nearby - a cat or another pet, for example.
To determine the meaning of your relationship, ask yourself these questions:
What can you and your partner do for the relationship?
What is your goal being together?
5) First, find and appreciate yourself
Together with a man, only a woman can be happy who knows how to be happy alone. That is, it does not depend on relationships.
A harmonious relationship is life with a man, which does not differ radically from life alone. But as a pleasant addition it brings many positive experiences, emotions that you cannot feel when you are alone.
How can you tell if your self-esteem is low?
- When you are in a relationship with a man, take care of your appearance, keep fit. And after parting for any reason, stop these activities. Your life greatly depends on whether a man is present in it. We can say that you are doing all this only for him.
- When you, living with a man, are an excellent hostess, the apartment is clean and there is a hot lunch on the table, and you eat semi-finished products alone and do not maintain order. The question itself begs itself, how do you feel about yourself?
Any relationship starts with love and self-acceptance. If you do not understand your relationship, then this leads to the fact that you yourself, without realizing yourself, sort of isolate. Which brings the feeling of loneliness. When you feel lonely, thoughts come up: "I'm in danger." When insecurity slips in a relationship, you begin to defend yourself. Thus, aggression manifests itself in cases when it does not exist normally.
We can conclude: the better you treat yourself, the stronger your relationship with your loved one will be.
15 rules to help build strong relationships
- Who is the head in this house?
About 50% of women do not want to agree that the man is in charge and makes responsible decisions himself. But still, the optimal model for the distribution of roles in a pair will be just this. If you want your opinion to be listened to, then do not argue with your husband.
Do not stubbornly claim that you too have the right to vote. Use a little trick. As if by chance, give him advice. And do not forget to add that the final choice will be made, of course, by himself.
This is the nature of men, they want to feel their power. This behavior of yours will allow you to avoid all disagreements and also gently influence his decision. By doing so, you can be sure that it will lead to more results than controversy.
- Make your relationship an example for everyone
Think carefully about how you would like the people around you to see your relationship? And from now on, try to behave with your young man in such a way as if other people are watching you. After all, everyone wants to present themselves with better side, is not it? If you follow this simple rule, then your loved one will definitely appreciate it. He will also change his attitude towards you, want to spend more time with you in the company of friends and just go somewhere together.
- Don't ask for too much
Often women tend to wait and demand actions from men that they do not want to do. And then they still get offended when they don't get what they want. Don't ask too much of your companion. Doing housework, making money, organizing interesting leisure time, being well-read is too much for one person. After all, men also get tired, and many of the responsibilities may not interest them at all.
You, too, most likely do not want to do what you do not like? What way can you find here to keep everyone happy? All responsibilities must be shared. And do only your own, and do not interfere in men's affairs.
- Be clear about what you want
All people are individual. And what seems elementary and does not require explanations to you may not be so obvious to your chosen one. Therefore, in a relationship with a man, you never need to hope that he will figure everything out on his own. Unless of course he is a psychic. And the best solution here would be to talk about everything directly to your loved one.
- Learn to find common ground
Communication skills are an important part of any relationship. If there is a disagreement, then discuss this point, listen to each other's points of view, try to understand. Only the ability to speak and find a common language will help you bypass sharp corners... To keep silent and withdrawn is not an option.
- Pay attention
This is necessary not only for women, but also for men. The more attention you pay to your chosen one, the more you can get to know him. And, therefore, you will become even closer to him. The more care and support your companion receives, the more he can be realized. A man's success depends on his woman.
- Don't make a hungry man angry
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Therefore, you should not have important conversations with a hungry man. This threatens to escalate into a scandal. Indeed, in such a state, a young man loses balance and adequacy, becomes angry. This has been proven more than once in practice.
- Do not use blackmail
Blackmail is a dishonest game. He will never make the blackmailed party feel good about you. Most likely, the opposite result will appear - the beloved will be angry with you and may well choose not your side.
- Don't use insults
Do not try to humiliate your loved one every time when he does not behave the way you would like. Moreover, you should never do this in front of strangers. After all, quarrels always end in a truce. And the words spoken in a fit of anger will remain in your companion's memory and form the beginning of a wall between you.
- Trust
You cannot build long-term relationships without trust. Therefore, it is worth seriously considering whether it is worth continuing the relationship if you cannot trust your companion.
- Don't ignore your partner
This situation occurs in 33% of couples. First, people fall in love, get married. Then some time passes, and they lose interest in each other, stop communicating and spend time together. We can say they live like strangers.
Such a course of events should never be allowed. To maintain close relations, you must constantly be interested in each other, communicate a lot. It would be nice to do a hobby together or start a family business.
Case from practice:
A family - Victoria and Andrey - turned to us for a consultation. They lived together for 7 years. They wanted to renew their feelings, as their relationship had become very cold over the past year. The following therapy was prescribed: spend the evening together 2 times a week, while going to places where they had never been before. They were also given the task to talk about their new interests, the subtleties of work.
It turned out that Victoria and Andrei did not know much about each other. For 2 months of such treatment, their feelings flared up again, and interest in each other reappeared. And they began to spend together almost every evening, and not 2 a week.
- Don't get in the habit of limiting
Creating various restrictions for your loved one is not conducive to strengthening your feelings. Even if a person, out of love for you, tries not to do what you have forbidden him to do, then it is not a fact that he will always succeed in doing it. And there is no likelihood that sooner or later he will decide to leave you in order to finally be free in his actions.
- Do not change
Try not to give reasons for jealousy or cheat. Betrayal is something with which you can cross out everything that was between you in an instant. Only 100% loyalty can guarantee trust in you and sincere feelings.
- Express your feelings more often
Men, as well as women, need confirmation of your love. Talk about what you love as often as possible. At first glance, this seems like a trifle, but your man will be very happy with such words. It will also be great if words are confirmed by actions. Make surprises, nice gifts.
- Listen to your other half
For a deep relationship, listen to your loved one. After all, if you listen to your partner, then this suggests that he is important to you. Thus, you make it clear that you are ready to do everything together.
5 signs of a healthy relationship
Here we have collected the main signs by which you can determine that your couple is harmonious enough, and you do not need to adjust anything.
- You accept each other for who they are
A fundamental rule for everyone: do not try to change, improve your soul mate. Nothing will come of it anyway. You will only waste your time and effort.
Psychologist's advice: If you find it difficult to follow this rule, instead of breaking it in a harsh way, ask your partner why he does something exactly like that. Find a reason and then discuss. And in this way the conflict can be resolved. Chances are good that your loved one will meet you halfway.
- You get better together
This does not in any way contradict the previous point. This happens freely, without much effort. Your love, mutual support and respect help the development of both partners. You are genuinely interested in the hobbies and inner world of your significant other, thus expanding your vision of the world.
- You argue, not scandal
If your views do not coincide, this is not at all scary. It is important to be able to respect the opinion of your opponent and to express your point of view without undue pressure. The main thing is that your disagreements do not develop into a scandal and mutual insults.
- You have your hobbies
Living together with a loved one does not mean that you need to cross out everything that came before her. Your hobbies, interests, friends - all this needs to be learned to combine. After all, if you become isolated and communicate only with your partner, then very soon you will get bored with him. Also, of course, you should not demand to quit your hobbies and friends of your half. The ability to combine personal life with relationships in a couple will make your life rich.
- You can be yourself
In his presence, you always remain yourself. You are not afraid to seem ugly, tired, with a cold. You hide nothing from past life, and do not have the habit of getting up 30 minutes earlier than a loved one to put yourself in order.
Now you have a plan of action to make your relationship more prosperous.
According to statistics, Russia, Belarus, Ukraine are among the top 10 countries in terms of the number of divorces. Their number exceeds 50%, that is, every 2nd couple is divorced. This can be attributed to the fact that the Russian-speaking population is used to solving family problems on their own or with the help of acquaintances and friends.
But such an approach to business naturally does not give good results. After all, only a professional in his field can help in any matter efficiently and quickly. Therefore, if you want to maintain your relationship for many years and be happy, then online psychologist consultations- this is what will certainly help you.
What is lightness in love? What do men mean by this? How to get it back if it disappeared? This inspiration article will provide answers to burning questions and help those who are tired of difficult and difficult relationships.
Men who have recently broken up with a girlfriend or wife often say they lacked the ease in their relationship. They are not lying! For us women, the phrase "easy relationship" almost always means "relationship without obligation", but is it really so? Let's figure it out.
In the beginning there was lightness ...
At the beginning of your romance, there were short and hot dates, gentle SMS correspondence, exchange of photos. What were you talking about? Most likely, about the weather and nature, they shared interesting stories from life, discussed films, dreamed about something and fantasized. Both of you enjoyed your time together. And they certainly did not discuss the dollar rate and politics, did not complain about their low salaries, colleagues and bosses. So?
You looked at HIM with adoration, you found dignity in him, you respected his masculinity. And you always looked 100% and, of course, smiled! For HIM this is EASY!
Sound familiar? This story is about you. Yes, you were like that recently. And then something suddenly happened. And now he complains that he is tired of a difficult relationship, that he needs "ease". And after these words you think: "He stopped loving me" or "He does not want to take responsibility for the relationship." STOP! This is not true!
In his head, a completely different picture! He still loves you, he just really lacks your attention lately. The usual female attention and participation, without criticism and controversy, without discussing utility bills, without advice in the style of "I told you so!", Without scandals due to scattered socks. Without all this, do you understand?
He BEEPS! He wants to awaken in you that woman who inspired him to feats and adored him, not hiding her delight! And this gave him courage and determination.
What to do? How to return the former EASY in a relationship?
How to bring lightness back into a relationship?
I will share with you effective ways, using which you will begin to enjoy the relationship with renewed vigor. But first, remember: to regain lightness - do not complicate!
1. Learn to be silent in the bedroom
Stop discussing problems in bed, and in general, keep any conversations in the bedroom to an absolute minimum! All you can do is talk about how you want him, how strong and gorgeous he is. The bedroom is not made for talking - the bedroom is for sex and love!
2. Give him time
Meet him with a smile and do not start everyday conversations for at least 30 minutes after he came. Give the man time to step out of the role of an assertive businessman and turn into your affectionate "cat".
3. Become unpredictable
Do not roll jealousy scenes out of the blue or just out of habit. Do not ask where he was and who is texting him! Allow him to notice that you are acting "strange" and he will begin to make an effort to get your attention back.
4. Encourage him, believe in him
Praise him. Praise him for everything! For the way he skillfully twisted the light bulb, for the way he sharpened the knife, for the heroic creation of dinner, or for the accidentally washed cup. He is always waiting for your approval. Just don't overdo it. Remember: he is not a toddler, but a grown man. Praise him as a man.
Trust in him no matter what happens. Believe and that's it. He can, he is strong! Say this to him and believe that he will cope with any difficulties. Because you have the BEST man!
5. Master the art of listening and hearing
Listen to him without interrupting! If he wants to speak out after a working day, listen to him silently. If he is not ready to pour out his soul, do not drag him into a dialogue by force, a man sometimes needs silence and loneliness.
6. Make him feel needed
When your eyes burn from the fact that he is just there, from the fact that you can cuddle up to him and watch a movie on his shoulder, when you are sincerely glad that you have him, then he feels that you need him. Give him a sense of need, tell him about it.
7. Find Something You Can Respect For
You will be surprised, but there are many positive qualities in it that you simply stopped paying attention to. Find them again or discover something special in it. Respect him! For a man, words of respect mean much more than words of love.
Remember that he does not need a mother, he already has one. In you, he wants to see an ally and a woman whom he will lead. Give him that feeling, show your feminine flexibility.
9. Give him freedom and become free
The most terrible punishment for any person is the restriction of freedom. Don't let the relationship become a prison cell for both of you! Treat with understanding and respect that he sometimes wants to be in a male company or alone. By the way, nothing brings you closer than separation. Take a break from each other at least once a month, let each other miss you - this will add fire to your feelings.
10. Surprise him
Take him out on a date at a cozy café that has something on the menu that he loves. Thus, you will show how attentive to his tastes.
11. Intrigue him
Tell him about your dreams related to your shared future. Describe everything brightly, colorfully and positively, and do not wait or demand an answer or urgent implementation right now. Just like that, looking into the sky, dreamily tell him a beautiful story in which he is the main character.
12. Develop
Become interesting to yourself. Do something new, meet your friends, read, paint, dance, whatever! You will begin to pique his interest, he will look at you in a new way. A keen woman is an alluring space for a man. He will want to solve you over and over.
13. Smile
Light "Gioconda's smile" ... Mysterious, alluring, calming and giving him the feeling that he is at home, that he is welcome and his woman is next to him, she is happy, which means he is her hero!
14. Compliment him.
Is it trite? Not at all! Men, no less than women, are waiting for confirmation of their uniqueness and value. Give it to him! Pay attention to specific details. Compliment "You look great!" will not work, this is an impersonal phrase. Much better: “How does this shirt suit you, I like it so much! You are a real macho! " You will see how he will immediately try to justify your words.
15. Choose words, for they materialize
Finally, stop complaining about your job, boss, salary, country, neighbors. Just stop and that's it. Your thoughts are powerful energy, and your words have even more potential. Choose a happy life and talk about good things. If you need to discuss something unpleasant, then pronounce it without unnecessary tragedy, but with a share of humor and optimism.
Don't overcomplicate!
These are the simple tricks. But it is important not just to know them, but to put them into practice. And in a couple of days you will be surprised how much you are in love with each other!
Relationships are the most beautiful job on earth, and when you fall in love with her, you will definitely hear your man say to his friends:
- She's an incredible Woman!
- Yes? And how is it different from others?
- It is enough for her to look, and I can no longer wait to perform a feat for her!
So,
17 tips for a girl to succeed in a relationship.
1. Three things should be shown to guys as little as possible: tears, unshaven armpits and character.
2. Do not rush to say that this is Your Person until you experience together the Loss, Victory, Alien Victory. And Repair.
3. Do not expect your boyfriend to be strong in what you yourself are "zero without a stick". Chances are great that the wisest solution offered to you would be to hug and cry together.
4. You must have at least one signature dish. But this is definitely NOT what you fed the guy at the dawn of the relationship, he demanded more and shouted: "Divine!" Most likely, he still remembers that “carbonara” of yours with pain in his heart and stomach, but the etiquette of the first dates demanded generosity from him.
5. No matter how hard day you both have, there will always be time and energy for sex;)
6. However, sometimes guys don't want sex, but put their heads on women's knees and be stroked on the back.
7. Before you do something, imagine how your boyfriend's face will look when you tell him about it.
8. Do not be smart in the presence of his friends and superiors with the expectation that they will come to the conclusion how incredibly lucky the guy is with the girl. Rather, a man will look like a loser and henpecked in their eyes. Just looking good is enough.
9. A guy has just as many reasons to be offended that you lower the toilet seat as you have that he leaves it up.
10. If your boyfriend is going to do or has already done something stupid, you can keep quiet. But if meanness - no way! Living with a person whom you do not even consider as a person is the most terrible fate.
11. He should know your little weaknesses (3-5 pieces, no more) and universal ways to neutralize / satisfy them. Otherwise, he will regularly come to the idea that he is living with an alien.
12. The best way to disaccustom a guy to give flowers for no reason - to meet him, armed with a bouquet, with the phrase: "Tell me straight, has something happened?"
13. What you recklessly consider "a fluff on upper lip", Can easily turn out to be a full-fledged mustache. And even with mustache. The guy won't tell you about it on pain of a budget penalty. Therefore, go to the beautician and insist on an honest answer, whether it is necessary to do something about "this".
14. When someone else's guy spends his last 1,000 rubles on champagne and firecrackers, he is a romantic, when his own is stupid.
15. It is equally important for family harmony to keep both the bikini area and the history of SMS correspondence and history in the browser clean and beautiful.
16. Two blankets are not a symbol of a crisis in a relationship, but of the fact that you are a "mature couple."
17. Two things you shouldn't say to guys are "You are a loser" and "I never had an orgasm with you." If this is true, you must take her with you, if not to the grave, then to another marriage.
In some places it is controversial, in some places it makes you smile :)
But you can take note!
1. Three things should be shown to guys as little as possible: tears, unshaven armpits and character.
2. Do not rush to say that this is Your Person until you experience together the Loss, Victory, Alien Victory. And Repair ....
3. Do not expect your boyfriend to be strong in what you yourself are "zero without a stick". Chances are great that the wisest solution offered to you would be to hug and cry together.
4. You must have at least one signature dish. But this is definitely NOT what you fed the guy at the dawn of the relationship, he demanded more and shouted: "Divine!" Most likely, he still remembers that “carbonara” of yours with pain in his heart and stomach, but the etiquette of the first dates demanded generosity from him.
5. No matter how hard day you both have, there will always be time and energy for sex;)
6. However, sometimes guys do not want sex, but put their heads on women's knees and be stroked on the back.
7. Before you do something, imagine how your boyfriend's face will be when you tell him about it.
8. Do not be smart in the presence of his friends and superiors with the expectation that they will come to the conclusion how incredibly lucky the guy is with the girl. Rather, a man will look like a loser and henpecked in their eyes. Just looking good is enough.
9. A guy has just as many reasons to be offended that you lower the toilet seat as you have that he leaves it up.
10. If your boyfriend is going to do or has already done something stupid, you can keep quiet. But if meanness - no way! Living with a person whom you do not even consider as a person is the most terrible of fate.
11. He should know your little weaknesses (3-5 pieces, no more) and universal ways to neutralize / satisfy them. Otherwise, he will regularly come to the idea that he is living with an alien.
12. The best way to stop a guy from giving flowers for no reason is to meet him, armed with a bouquet, with the phrase: "Tell me straight, did something happen?"
13. What you recklessly consider "fluff on the upper lip" can easily turn out to be a full-fledged mustache. And even with mustache. The guy won't tell you about it on pain of a budget penalty. Therefore, go to the beautician and insist on an honest answer, whether it is necessary to do something about "this".
14. When someone else's guy spends his last 1,000 rubles on champagne and firecrackers, he is a romantic, when his own is stupid.
15. It is equally important for family harmony to keep both the bikini area and the history of SMS correspondence and history in the browser clean and beautiful.
16. Two blankets are not a symbol of a crisis in a relationship, but of the fact that you are a "mature couple."
17. Two things you shouldn't say to guys are "You are a loser" and "I never had an orgasm with you." If this is true, you must take her with you, if not to the grave, then to another marriage.
How to keep a man: don't love too much.
An important principle in relationships with men is not to love too much. We understand that sometimes it is not easy to control yourself. But let's think together what is the reason that a woman sometimes behaves unreasonably, losing her head from love.
Some women think that love can help keep a lover, change him, get rid of bad habits, and ennoble his character. Alas! They are deluded. In love's blinding, a woman idealizes her beloved, and then regains her sight and sees that he is not at all the way she loved him. If a person's character has developed, then it will not be possible to radically change him. Psychiatrists can correct negative traits character, but only to correct, and not to correct completely. A loving woman is a bad educator, she forgives too much, does not see much, evaluates her lover through the prism of her love.
A loving woman surrenders to her feeling entirely. She expects a reciprocal feeling of the same intensity from her partner. And most often in vain. A real man is focused on overcoming obstacles. In essence, he is a conqueror, a fighter. He prefers to set a goal and achieve it. Easy prey, which itself goes into the hands, does not seduce a strong man. If he has nothing to conquer, if a woman gives all of herself and floods him with her love, he begins to be weighed down by such a relationship and dream of another that still needs to be conquered.
Since childhood, we are accustomed to treating with reverence everything that adults call the word "love". Fiction, drama and cinematography have taught us that this is a great feeling, and love suffering and sacrifice in the name of love ennoble a person. (By the way, this is not the only example when art teaches us to put on rose-colored glasses.) We believe that love suffering is not love, but masochism.
Love is the psychological comfort that you experience in the company of another person. Perhaps you find this definition too simplistic? However, enthusiastic and exalted definitions characterize not love at all, but falling in love, and these, as scientifically proven, are different states.
The pleasure of suffering can only be experienced by a masochist, and for a normal person, suffering is an uncomfortable state. This is why we do not consider "love suffering" as love. True love brings joy, not suffering. On early stage falling in love can be emotional swings, when periods of exaltation are replaced by boundless despair. This is typical, mainly, of young men and women - their psyche is not yet fully formed. For this age period, this is a normal, but short-lived stage. But if it is delayed or if the love of an adult woman is manifested in this way, then this is already abnormal. Both the high intensity of feelings and the drop of violent passions exhaust the psyche.
Saying: “I gave all of myself to him,” “I sacrificed everything for him,” a woman means that she did it for the sake of love. In fact, she herself needs these “sacrifices”, and the man to whom she “gave all of herself” does not need it at all. Moreover, for him, such love is very burdensome. So what kind of love is this, and what kind of women, from whom men sometimes run? In fact, this is not love at all.
There are people who do not know how to love by the nature of their psyche. Some of them are emotionally cold, indifferent (this is a pathology, the range of which is quite wide - from psychopathy to schizophrenia), others are able to love only themselves (and this is also a pathology - most often psychopathy). An emotionally cold person doesn't even pretend to love someone; in love only with himself, he usually creates the appearance of extraordinary, sublime love for a person of the opposite sex.
Women who poison and mutilate themselves because of "unhappy love" are among those who all their lives have experienced a single, all-consuming passion - for themselves. Their "great" love for a man is actually a very skillful game. Sometimes it looks convincing, sometimes it looks completely fake, theatrical. It is noteworthy that this is not a pretense in the usual sense - the woman herself does not realize that this is a game, she lives in this role. The underlying reason is selfish narcissism, concentration on one's “I”. It happens with hysterical psychopathy.
The advice "not to love much" is, of course, not addressed to them. (Psychopathy is a congenital character defect that can be corrected, but cannot be completely corrected.) This advice applies to women who give their experiences undeservedly high attention.
Perhaps the very woman who LOVES, it seems that no one has ever loved the way she does. And of course she's wrong. Every person once in his life has loved and, perhaps, more than once. And yet, most people live happily without burdening others with their feelings.
Love is neither sacrifice nor suffering. This is not a selfish feeling. A loving person primarily thinks about the welfare of the beloved, and not about his own. And in those cases when a woman "floods" a man with love, she herself revels in it, demonstrating to everyone how much she loves and how insufficiently loves her lover. This is a performance in which the woman herself is the prima, and her egocentrism is the driving force.
So do not rush to feel sorry for a woman who is "crazy with love." If there are no sympathetic viewers and listeners to whom she confides in all the twists and turns of her “tragic” love, then everything fades out very soon. "Straw fire of feelings" - psychiatrists say in these cases. A one-man theater called hysterical psychopathy.
A mentally normal person is able to curb their feelings and pull themselves together. Even if a flame is raging in his chest, if his soul writhes with torment, he can, gritting his teeth, not show this to other people. Only a person with a healthy psyche can control his emotions. If he is not capable of this, psychiatrists diagnose affect incontinence. You understand that this is not the norm.
Therefore, if you feel like you are unable to deal with your feelings on your own, you need to seek professional advice. Nothing bad will happen.
So if you want to conquer your man, you need to control your feelings. The advice “not to love too much” is not to be taken literally. You can love as much as the emotionality of your nature allows, but most importantly, do not demonstrate your boundless love to your partner. Learn to hide your feelings, curb your emotions.
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There are thousands more sophisticated ways, but men linger, but the quality of the relationship suffers.
Both he and you suffer in such a relationship. And it seems to be together, but at the same time alone.
We decided to open your eyes to the simple truths that should be present in all healthy relationships, but we will also show you your mistakes.
So, what is the most important obstacle to maintaining a relationship?
The first mistake. Today everyone wants to be in charge of a relationship.
Because of this, rubbing and quarrels arise who did how much in the relationship (who gave how much attention, gifts and flowers to whom and earned money). And this is the most important mistake, because where there is no balance, emotions arise, and quarrels come from them. And quarrels always seem to be total (as if the world could collapse because of one quarrel).
And understand, emotionally you can fall in love, meet and have sex, but in a relationship you need to live by reason.
Therefore, the first advice from a psychologist:You women (first of all) need to accept yourself for who you are. Accept your man for who he is, otherwise there will be constant butting. If this is initially not there, then it often manifests itself in a low self-esteem (low self-esteem). And you women, you better think before entering into a relationship:
Do I really love myself? Because if you love yourself, you accept, acknowledge yourself, do not fight yourself and do not blame yourself. You accept the bad, the dark in yourself.
why did you choose him?
Will I be able to live a full life without him if suddenly our relationship breaks down?
If the answers to all these questions are negative, then
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The second mistake of women.
This is what you do not understand that You set an example for other people with your relationships. Friends, who also have men, look at you, pass at you, every time you go to rest or go to the store together.
Psychologist's second advice: think about how you would like to present your relationship to others? Try to behave with a man as if your acquaintances are looking at you (and you always want to present yourself from the best side in front of others). Do this, your man will appreciate it and change his attitude towards you, he will want to go somewhere with you more often and introduce you to his acquaintances and friends.
Why is it important to do this?Because there must be a culture of relationships. And culture is a sense of connections. Hence and love relationship can be interpreted as a recognition that there is a connection between you and your man. And they are everywhere and first of all, they begin within themselves, so it is so important to first find yourself (perhaps with the help of a psychologist), and then start a relationship.
Relationships continue with people at work, with parents, and with friends, with the world and with society as a whole. Therefore, not understanding your connections leads to deprivation and you automatically (unconsciously) isolate yourself, this leads to a feeling of loneliness. And loneliness for a person is always interpreted as: "I am not safe." And when a person does not feel security in a relationship (hence, lonely), then he tends to defend himself more often, defend his territory and release aggression where it should not be.
So, the more whole you are inside yourself, the better your relationship with a man will be.
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The third mistake of women who want to keep the relationship.
This lack of meaning.The fact is that you women very often do not understand why you need a relationship (yes, this is understandable: family, children, so that there is someone nearby). But you will give birth to children, they will “fly away like birds” and you will be left alone with or without your husband, and you will experience the notorious (typical for Russian people) crisis of the “empty nest”. Although you will not find this in other countries! You will not earn money from the whole world either. The concept of “having someone nearby” is also not suitable, because there may be a dog nearby.
The third advice of a psychologist:
ask yourself a question:
- what are you together for?
- what can you both do for a relationship?
- what are you doing in this relationship for the sake of others?
The fourth mistake that you make very often and read that this is normal.
You demand from men what they do not want to give, and you are offended, as if it should be so.
You want him to do a lot of household chores, organize entertainment, make money, be interesting, and more. But they too get tired and many responsibilities are not interesting to them at all! Do you do what you are not interested in in a relationship? If yes, then because taking responsibility for everything, including for the feelings of others, is a psychological illness!
So that, fourth tip: share the responsibilities of the relationship with one another and do not interfere with his responsibilities. All responsibilities should be shared. If he takes out the trash by agreement, but in fact he does not, redistribute responsibilities again, but do not take on everything, take what interests you.
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The fifth mistake of women. Not the ability to communicate!
And if so, then this is again a direct way to a psychologist for a consultation via skype. And the site Vashe-Soznaie.ru is ready to provide you with such an opportunity!
You very often do not know how to convey your needs to your beloved man and do not try to ask him for help in this (and asking for help is also communication, this is a way of communication) And sometimes a man is very happy to help and feel strong and needed, thereby.
You also do not always want to hear a man, therefore it is so difficult to negotiate and it seems that he does not understand you.
The fifth advice of a psychologist: You need communication skills and you can only get them from a psychologist, communicating with him and learning to communicate. Books and articles do not teach real communication. They don't teach life. Only people teach this knowledge how to live in a relationship, and in this case
To conclude this article, we can add the following:
Dear women, you all want happiness, and you enter into relationships in order to be happy. But we dare to disappoint you: happiness is unattainable as a state. It is impossible to live in happiness, because it is a physiological state when there are too many hormones in the blood (high concentration). To live constantly in happiness is a sure way to nervous exhaustion. So forget about happiness. Because relationships are about fun. And pleasure is a process. Enjoy the result: “Everything! I'm in a relationship! " This is a man's prerogative, and the pleasure is fleeting from the result. So let's fulfill our female mission and enjoy a process from which you can get long-term pleasure. And the relationship itself is a process.
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We also invite you to listen to affirmations for women.
If you liked the video, you can consult a psychologist and get personal meditations and techniques.
