Coffee is not just a drink for a long time, but an integral part of our life. Without...
Stock market jokes and stock market jokes
Anedotes about the exchange about the stock market as well as jokes about forex and traders
Yes, what is this again for the breakdown of the fractal according to Demark through Fibonacci !!! - thought the trader and cursed dirty.
A stockbroker is asked to explain what the stock game is all about. “Imagine,” he says, “that you buy a pair of rabbits and put them in one cage. After a while, you already have six rabbits. You buy a bigger cage and put them in there. Some time later, you have twenty of these rabbits. Buy more rabbits and soon you will have more than a hundred of them. - How simple! - the interlocutor is surprised. - Yes, and then suddenly a flood, and all your rabbits died and you suffer from morning to night with the thought: "Damn it, why didn't I buy mirror carps!"
How to play and win on the stock exchange
First Rule of the Exchange. Who knows - does not speak, who speaks - does not know. Second Rule of the Exchange. If everyone thinks prices will go up, prices won't go up.
A hero trader is driving along the road, he sees - there is a fork ahead, three roads, a stone, and on the stone there is an inscription:
"If you go to the left, you will get a moose; if you go to the right, you will get a moose; if you go straight, you will also get a moose." I began to think - where to go, if there is such an ambush everywhere. Then a voice from above: "Hey, decide quickly, otherwise you will get an elk right here !!!"
There is a mountain shepherd grazing sheep. Suddenly, a turntable sits down, a young man comes out,immaculate suit and tie. "Are you a shepherd?" Silence. Look... He takes out a laptop, connects to the satellite.— See? Here is a picture. Here you can clearly see that behind that slope the grass is greener and juicier. Youagree? I see that they agree. You need to bring the flock here. Do you want to be chosen for your haul routes? Please! There are three routes. I answer right away that you cannot go along this route: you see, there are wolves here.
Of the remaining two, this one is shorter, which means you are on it. As a fee, I take one sheep ... And he goes to the helicopter, but suddenly he hears: - You, probably, have been doing consulting for a long time ... - Yes, but how do you know? - Wa-first, you appeared, although no one called. Wow, you ask questions yourself and you answer them yourself. Thirdly, the palages of the dog on the mesto ...
WHAT IS THE FOREX MARKET
Three analyst-economists on the hunt. They see a big deer. One aims, shoots, missed - a meter to the left. The second - aims, shoots, did not hit - a meter to the right. Third analyst, without firing: "Well, on average we killed him!"
The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes do not coincide ...
Two traders went on a balloon trip. Suddenly a strong wind came up, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below: - Hey, buddy, tell me, where did we end up? - You are in a balloon 20 meters above the ground. - The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. Looks like we met a stock analyst?! - Yes. And you, probably, traders, you never know where you are.
2 financial analysts meet: - Listen, what's going on? - I can explain... - I can explain too. WHAT IS GOING ON???!!!
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Why did you decide to work on the stock exchange? Do you have experience or economic education? - Well, I watched The Wolf of Wall Street.
Dad, I want to be a trader.
Only through my corpse.
Well, anyway, I've already leaked 100 grand on the exchange...
The daughter says to her mother - Mom, I'm marrying a trader!
Mother - Are you crazy daughter, he is rich today and poor tomorrow, he is always better for an analyst
"chocolate"!
The trader returned home drunk after the party and said to his wife: - Bring a bowl, now I'll puke. The wife brought a basin, set it up and waited, 5 minutes passed, she: - Well, what are you, come on already. - Sorry, dear, but the trend turned around sharply - I crap myself!
John Rockefeller dreamed of earning $100,000 and living to be 100 years old... but he earned $318 billion and died at 97. Not all dreams come true...
A Jewish banker has died. Relatives swarm around the coffin. It's time to start the funeral process, and they all do not stop their fuss. The manager enters the room. Manager: What's the problem? Its time to begin. One of the relatives: - Oh, you understand, the late Izya Markovich in his will asked all his money to be put in his coffin. We have already rammed them, but they still do not all fit. Steward: - oh, sho, you don't know what to do? Write him a check!
A journalist asks Soros:
George, did your wife instruct you in these horns?
No... exchange...
- Played for promotion?
No ... "moose" caught
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Two traders come out of the stock exchange, one in his shorts, the other completely naked. Naked says that inshorts: -Here Vasya, for which I respect you, you can stop in time.
What is a default? A default is when you order a currency prostitute who also takes hryvnia at the rate, and after one hour there is not enough hryvnia to pay.
The trader lies on the couch, does nothing, laziness in short. Lost on the eve of the ashes ... On colaflew out ... In the scrap finally move ... Lies to himself and looks out the open window. And he thinks: "Now, if a fly flies through the window for a minute, then I will become rich and great ..." Waiting ... half a minute passes ... does not fly ... 45 seconds pass ...
The man is already nervously dangling his leg... 50 seconds pass, he is already sweating... And then, at the 53rd second, such a fat fly flies in... The trader smiled contentedly, sighed with relief, closed his eyes and fell asleep...
The new Russian attended lectures on stock trading and calls a friend: - Kolyan, I was on stock trading courses, so imagine, the lecturer said that stocks do not grow without
kickbacks. It turns out that here, too, you will have to spend money on kickbacks - complete chaos!
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It's nice to look at the sea! You look at the shore and there - rollback after rollback ...
Spring Dialogue. - And no one noticed the connection between air temperature and the dollar? - But there is a connection between the dollar exchange rate and cranial pressure and adrenal function ...
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Two traders stand near the toilet and one asks the other: - Are you long or short?
Two stock speculators: - Now I can't sleep because of this crisis. - I sleep like a baby. - Can not be! - Yes, every hour I wake up and cry!
Hello Vladimir!
I, convulsively chewing, mumble into the phone ...
- Hello, Vladimir, can you hear me?
I almost chewed...
- Vladimir, why are you silent?
I finally finished and say:
– Mouth busy)
The client killed me just on the spot, he asked:
- FOR LONG???
So, then we laughed for a long time)))
History in the fitness center
My story: I am a sales manager at a fitness center. An ordinary working day, I go out to meet the client, I hold a club show, a presentation of club cards ... After a short communication, one might say, at the moment of making a decision, the client carefully asks me: “And when it will be possible to discuss my purchase with the manager, I would like to chat?"
P.S.: In the evening, when I took off the badge, I saw that it was not mine. It was written there: "Irina, massage therapist." Apparently she left it on my table, it happens with us ...
Case with a colleague
The incident happened to my colleague. As a rule, managers have at hand, in addition to the phone and Email there are a number of different messengers.
There are a lot of contacts, and this is one of the most quick ways respond to a customer's question. So, one of the working days, my colleague received a question in ICQ about a request for components. The question came from a friend named Igor. Exactly the same request to my colleague came in the morning by e-mail. mail.
My colleague has a friend who works in the same field as us, and his name is Igor. 100% sure that this request was from his client, my colleague writes to his friend in ICQ that he received this request from the client today, and why, in fact, he is interested in this request. To which he received an answer that it was he who sent this request and decided to clarify how things were progressing there.
My colleague was a little confused, but refused to capitulate. Being an impulsive person (and communication with a friend was informal), my colleague, feeling that he was being bred, went on the offensive. With the words “Yes, why are you here for me .... shh, it’s definitely not you who sent this request, ”he brought down a bunch of indignation at Igor. But on the other side of the screen, a response wave of indignation went, they say this way and that, but I sent it, etc. with the same turns and embellishments of Russian speech.
Ten minutes of verbal skirmish could have continued for a long time, but then my colleague received a message in ICQ and the window blinked. Opening it, he saw that his friend Igor had written to him, and on the other side of the screen, there was exactly the client who sent the request. This is where the realization came. After all, yesterday my colleague, sending contacts to a new client after tel. call, indicated one of the means of communication - ICQ. The client decided to quickly resolve the issue, but that was not the case ... 😀 I had to, of course, later apologize to the chief engineer of the enterprise Igor Petrovich, but this is one of our best customers.
Wall Street Stories
Wall Street Stories
One enterprising and successful Wall Street trader hung a horseshoe over his desk for good luck. Colleagues laugh: "Boy, do you really believe in such prejudices ?!" "Well, of course not. But, they say, this thing works whether you believe in it or not!"
In New York, three homeless beggars sit on Wall Street. They serve badly. One found a cardboard box and wrote "homeless" on it. By evening, they threw him 3 dollars 5 cents. The second took a piece of cardboard and wrote: "homeless.com". By evening, he had a laptop and a 256K channel. And the third wrote: "e-homeless". Microsoft immediately awarded him a million-dollar contract to develop the e-homeless Millenium Internet commerce project. By evening, all of New York was talking about him. Oracle announced 100% support for e-homeless technology. VISA and Europay announced the start of promotion of joint brands with the e-homeless company. During the night, the companies "HighTech-e-homeless", "CyberBroker-e-homeless", "OnLineTrader-e-homeless" and "Mobil-e-homeless-Telecom" were urgently created. In the morning on the stock exchanges around the world there was a landslide fall of all non-e-homeless companies....
A new trader gets a job in a financial company. At the interview he is asked: - Why were you fired from your previous job? - For health. - What hurt? - My boss was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. It couldn't go on like this for long, one of us had to leave.
In New York, a stock market analyst died in extreme poverty. His comrades, brokers and traders, decided to organize a fundraiser for the funeral of the poor fellow. One buck. Upon learning of this, the President of the New York Stock Exchange exclaimed, "One dollar for an analyst's funeral?!!! Here's a check for $10,000 and bury them all!"
The famous American banker John P. Morgan in 1929, a few days before the stock market crash, managed to get rid of almost all the shares he owned. The commission of the US Congress suspected Morgan of using insider information and manipulating the market. The banker explained that he was helped to save his capital from the crisis by a shoe shiner who, while cleaning his shoes, inquired about the prospects for the shares of the railway company that he had bought. "When a shoe shiner enters the market, there is nothing more for professionals to do on it," the financier decided.
Broker petty investment company, reading the latest financial news, says to his colleague: - Look, another financial giant fell, and this one also covered up, ... and that one went bankrupt. So soon we will enter the top ten.
Announcement: We are hiring a trader, gender and age do not matter, the salary is very high, free work schedule, vacation - anywhere in the world, at any time. Condition: Buy low, sell high.
New York. Noon. Heat. Old Jew Moishe sells seeds on the marble stairs of the Bank of New York. They turn to him: "Moishe. Give me a loan." "It's not possible," he replies. "We have an agreement with the Bank of New York." "I don't lend, and the Bank of New York doesn't sell seeds!"
A politician, a gangster and a trader have gone to hell.
The politician asks Satan to call, they say, how is my country, my people.
Satan holds out a mobile - call. The politician talked quickly for 5 minutes, found out everything, returned the mobile phone.
How much?
5 million...
I squealed, but wrote out a check.
Bandyuk brothers asks to call - please!
Called back in a couple of minutes.
How?
10 million...
Nothing to do, had to pay.
The trader says: "Let me call, I need to talk with my colleagues."
I talked for 15 hours about quotes, about futures, about shoulders, about the situation on the market, and I didn’t even forget to discuss the topic of boobs. Repulsed, asks: "How much from me?"
Devil: "Ten bucks and change, forget it, I'm sorry."
The politician with the bandyuk yelled: "What the hell, what the hell!"
And Satan says, "Calls from Hell to Hell are charged as local."
A conversation between two traders:
What are you reading?
Elliott wave theory.
What about upside down?
What's the difference…
I guessed the entry point ... But ..., I made a mistake with the direction.
You can easily make a small fortune on the stock exchange if you have a big one.
The market hit bottom... and started digging.
Oh, that carry trade!
I so understand you!
No, you don't understand!
I understand perfectly.
You don't understand, you don't even have a deposit.
Was there yesterday!!!
Trader at the barbershop. The hairdresser asks:
Normalized.
After a while the hairdresser asks again:
Well, how is the situation on the stock exchange?
Normalized.
After another 5 minutes, the situation repeats itself. Finally, the trader breaks down and wonders why he keeps asking the same thing.
The hairdresser:
Because the hair on your head stands on end, it is convenient to cut it.
Two traders went on a balloon trip. Suddenly a strong wind came up, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below:
Hey buddy, tell me, where did we go?
You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground.
The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. It looks like we
met a stock analyst?!
Yes. And you, probably, traders, you never know where you are.
A trader on a racing motorcycle rushes along the track: he overtook one car - he showed a fact, he overtook another - he showed a fact, and so on several times. Approaching the railway crossing, and there the semaphore signals the approach of the train. The trader on the brakes, but does not have time to stop and exactly runs into the closing barrier. The motorcycle flies out from under him under the train and turns into a cake. A trader hangs on a barrier and thinks: “Never mind a forced closure…”
If your doorbell rang and they said they came with a warrant.
Be sure to specify with which one, Stop-Loss or Take-Profit.
If the callers don't have either, don't open the door.
Once on the American stock exchange there were shares at a price of 1 cent.
Broker bought. The next day, the same shares are worth 2 cents. The American argues - "I'll keep them with me, maybe they will grow up more ..." And for sure - the next day the shares are already at 3 cents.
An American calls his broker:
Sell fast!
The wife asks her trading husband:
Dear, we have been living together for so many years, but I just can’t understand what you do?
Well, look, he replies. - We decided to breed rabbits, bought rabbits, cages, and the rest of the "tops". And at night there was a flood, and all the rabbits drowned ...
Here we are sitting in the morning and thinking, why didn’t we buy fish yesterday?
The broker is in a fever. The doctor tells him: "Your temperature is 37.5!"
An hour later: "Already 38!"
An hour later: "38 and a half!"
Broker, barely moving his lips: "There will be 39 - sell!"
In the life of every person there may come a moment when any paper will be valuable.
Grandfather and grandson are sitting, drinking juice. Mother comes in
You have heard that US stocks have gone up again.
And you buy our shares, why should ours rise in price?
My dog reminds me of our analyst. - ??? - Constantly digs something, while looking at me with intelligent eyes and can not explain anything ....)))))))))
An analyst and a trader come to the races. The trader runs to the window to place a bet, and the analyst says that he first needs to learn the rules, calculate the betting technique, track trends, analyze the information...
You are thinking too theoretically!
After the run, the beaming trader takes profits. A bewildered analyst approaches him. Trader:
Everything is very simple. I've broken the tech!
And what is she?
Everything is very simple. I have two children, three and five years old. I just added up their ages, got nine, and bet on this horse!
But five and three is eight!?
Well, I'm telling you, you think too theoretically!
A new trader gets a job in a financial company.
During the interview, they ask:
Why were you fired from your previous job?
For health.
What hurt?
My boss was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. It couldn't go on like this for long, one of us had to leave.
Hello! We are starting a seminar "How to earn a million rubles in one day".
Question to the audience. How much did the seminar ticket cost?
One thousand rubles.
How many seats are in this room?
I hope everything is clear to everyone. Thank you, the seminar is over.
A mathematician is asked:
What is the probability that, going outside now, you will meet Napoleon?
The mathematician surrounded himself with reference books, calculators, computers, locked himself in a room for three days and gave the answer:
Approximately 0.000001 percent.
The same question was asked to an experienced trader. The answer came immediately:
50 to 50, either meeting or not meeting.
The exchange rate of the dollar and the euro against the ruble will definitely stabilize - after all, it simply cannot increase every day.
Excuse me, are you sure you are the Minister of Finance?
Santa Claus is sitting in a snowdrift, beaten, wiping his tears. Passer-by asks: -What's wrong with you?
Yes, I went to congratulate the members of the club of hunters, wished them many, many large moose.
Turned out to be the wrong address. Traders walked there....
A drunk broker in a bar calls a juicy blonde to him.
Honey, what will you tell me if I offer 100 bucks for the evening?
The answer will be<ДА>.
What if I only offer 10 bucks?
The answer will be<НЕТ>, goat, are you holding me for a whore, or what?
No, I'm just measuring the spread.
The old trader sits in front of the monitor, works. There two points will be knocked down, here five, and so the whole day. A young trader comes up to him and let's criticize him: - Yes, how do you work, but you have no system, but everything you do is bullshit ... The old trader turns to him and says: - You know, I'm tired of being smart, I want some money.
The broker was drafted into the army... And they immediately threw him into a hot spot...
The commander gathers their group there and says: "For each spirit head brought, I will give you $50."
By evening, everyone returns, but the broker is not there ... Well, they already decided that they had killed somewhere, mourned him and forgot.
Then... a week later, a truck pulls up, a broker is driving, and the back is full of heads of spirits. Everyone is shocked!!!
The commander, having slightly recovered from the shock, says: “Listen, we won’t have that much money. Let's at least not 50, but 25, I'll pay you.
And the broker told him: “NOOOOO!!! I just can’t - I took 40 myself ...
The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes do not coincide ...
A client calls an investment company:
Idiots, buy me all RAO!
The trader was offended and went to the director, saying that the client is insulting. The director asks:
What is his account balance?
Million dollars.
Idiot! Buy him RAO!
Two traders stand near the toilet and one asks the other:
Are you long or short?
Exchange statistics is like a swimsuit: What it reveals is very important. But what she hides is much more interesting.
Roman Abramovich sold his soul to the devil and bought a place in paradise with this money...
The President speaks:
"This time we are ready for a new crisis, our foreign exchange reserves are strong, nothing threatens us"
How do you like this experience? I think money is money, but you also need to relax. Offer your options for anecdotes, jokes, stories, etc., the most interesting and funny ones, I will add them to the next issue. Until next articles.
