Features of grief and loss. The psychology of loss and death. If a loved one has passed away

Five stages of experiencing the loss (loss) of a loved one Stage 1. Denial "This could happen to anyone, but not to me!". You have heard similar stories but find it hard to believe that this has happened to you. You didn't expect your husband to do this to you. Fear

To date, there are no theories of grief (loss, loss) in official psychology that fully and adequately explain how people cope with losses, why they experience grief in different ways, how and after what time they adapt to life without dead people significant to them. ..

Unfortunately (or fortunately), we live in a world where nothing is permanent, everything is temporary, including ourselves. And sooner or later, every person is faced with the death of loved ones: parents, relatives, friends, spouse, sometimes even their own child. For every person, the loss of a loved one is a great grief. Until recently, he was somewhere nearby, saying something, doing something, smiling. And now he's gone. And you have to live with it somehow.

To date, there are no theories of grief (loss, loss) in official psychology that fully and adequately explain how people cope with losses, why they experience grief in different ways, how and after what time they adapt to life without dead people significant to them.

Why in one person the reaction to the death of a loved one can manifest itself as numbness, "petrification", in another - crying, anxiety, in the third - pathological guilt, and some can endure the blows of fate without experiencing pathological manifestations?

In the classification of grief reactions, different researchers identify from 3 to 12 stages, which a person experiencing loss must consistently go through. The main difficulty of these classifications is that:

they are different;

there are no clear boundaries between the stages;

the state of a person changes, and he can return to a seemingly passed stage;

different people have different symptoms and experiences.

In this regard, the concept of J. Vorden has recently become widespread, who proposed a variant of describing the reaction of loss not in stages or phases, but through four tasks that must be completed by the mourner in the normal course of the process.

Let's briefly list them. The first task is the recognition of the fact of loss. The second task is to get over the pain of loss. This means that you need to go through all the complex feelings that accompany the loss. The third task is the organization of the environment where the absence of the deceased is felt. The last, fourth, task is to build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live. At each of these stages, there may be deviations. Why precisely these deviations and precisely in this person, Vorden's concept does not reveal.

"All people are different"

The common phrase that all people are different does not explain anything and at the same time explains everything. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan shows exactly which are different. Its provisions not only explain the difference in reactions to the death of a loved one, but also help to survive the pain of loss.

According to system-vector psychology, innate unconscious desires live in each person, given by his species role, which are called one of eight vectors (in a modern person, there are an average of three to five). The reaction to the pain of loss, to the death of a loved one depends on the innate set of vectors, the degree of their development and implementation.

For people with death - a natural continuation of life: "we came from the earth, we will leave for the earth." For them, death is not a tragedy, but a return home. Therefore, they prepare calmly and in advance for leaving for the other world: a place in the cemetery, a coffin, clothes. The main thing is that everything should be like people have. And their feelings about the death of their loved ones are simple and natural: "God gave, God took." This is not to say that they do not experience a sense of loss. Experiencing. But these feelings are not the end of the world, but part of life.

Man with directed to the future. Therefore, experiencing a loss, he can violently express his grief, but all the same, his powerful energy will lead him forward, into new plans, into new projects, into new relationships. These people are brave to the point of selflessness, therefore they are not afraid of their own death and are ready to give their lives for the sake of others.

The specific role of carriers is the extraction and preservation of food reserves. Therefore, no matter how blasphemous it may sound, for them material resources are more valuable than human ones. “Strongly endures the loss of loved ones” - this is how the reaction of a skin person can be characterized.

The most vulnerable of the carriers of the lower vectors can be called representatives. They are concentrated on the past, they attach great importance to the first experience, by their properties they are very attached to their family. When receiving bad news, such a person may even get a heart attack. It is he who often falls into a stupor, a stupor, from which it is difficult to get him out.

Also, it is precisely for the representatives of the anal vector that a pathological feeling of guilt towards the deceased is characteristic, experiencing which, they perceive for themselves any joy as something unacceptable and shameful. For example, a woman a year after the death of her husband does not want to go south on vacation, explaining this by saying that “how can I go, because he is lying there, but am I going to rest?” And the arguments that her husband will not be worse if she rests are not taken into account.

As already mentioned, a modern person is multi-vector, so the properties of the upper vectors (responsible for intelligence) are superimposed on the reaction of the lower vectors.

The olfactory and oral vectors are outside the culture, so their influence on a person's perception of loss cannot be called pathological.

For the representative, the body is only a mortal shell of the eternal soul. A sound engineer feels the finiteness of life better than others. But life as such is not its value. His interest is directed to the root causes, it often seems to him that what he is looking for is hidden just beyond the brink of the material world. In a state of depression, not seeing the meaning of life, he himself thinks about his own death. Therefore, in the experiences of the sound engineer, one can hear not so much regret about leaving, as a philosophical attitude to life and death. If the sound engineer is depressed, it is always a search for one's own meaning in life, although it may look like a reaction to the death of a loved one.

And, finally, people for whom death is the MOST TERRIBLE THING CAN HAPPEN are carriers. They are the ones who experience loss the most. It is they who most often have symptoms of the so-called complicated grief, with which they turn to psychologists and psychotherapists.

Emotional breakdowns, constant mental anguish, sleep and appetite disturbances, helplessness, inability not only to work, but even to think about something else. Often they can feel the symptoms of diseases that the deceased loved one had. Various fears may appear.

"Don't let me die while I'm alive"

For people with a visual vector, life is the highest value. It was they who managed to instill in all mankind the value of life, to introduce cultural restrictions into society. Unlike others, spectators are not able to take life in any form - they cannot even crush a spider. And the death of a loved one brings them back to their root state of fear of death.

Fear of death - "native" fear in the visual vector. In no other vector does this fear manifest itself so clearly and does not cause the most severe deviations, up to panic attacks and psychosomatic illnesses. In order to get rid of the burden of the fear of death, the audience unconsciously learned (and taught us) to bring their fear outward - to tune in to the experiences of other people, build emotional connections, be afraid not for themselves, but for the other, that is, to sympathize, empathize, LOVE, thereby filling their own naturally huge emotional potential. In this case, there is simply no psychic energy left in them to experience fears.

The meaning of life of a developed visual person is love. A person with a visual vector can build an emotional connection with anyone or anything: with a flower, with a plush hare, with a cat, with a horse. The highest level of emotional connection is with a person. The death of a loved one is a break in an emotional connection, the worst thing that can happen to a viewer. When a significant emotional connection breaks, the viewer falls into fear, his emotions change direction - from others to themselves ...

Subconsciously, it is always a meeting with one's own death. That is why it is most difficult for such a person to cope with the pain of loss. To cope with the fear of one's own death means again to "lose one's temper" and bring one's fear outward through sympathy and empathy for the OTHERS. And then the soul-devastating longing for the deceased loved one can turn into quiet sadness and bright sadness.

At the training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, all fears and problems associated with emotional loss or death are worked out, restoring a person's ability to live and feel joy.

“It was very difficult for me to survive grief - the loss of a loved one. Fear of death, phobias, panic attacks did not let me live. I contacted the experts - to no avail. At the very first lesson at the training on the visual vector, I immediately felt relief and understanding of what was happening to me. Love and gratitude - this is what I felt instead of the horror that was before. The training gave me a new attitude. This is a completely different quality of life, a new quality of relationships, new sensations and feelings - POSITIVE!... "

The “work of grief” is completed when the bereaved are once again able to lead a normal life, have an interest in life and people, learn new roles, create new environments, bond and love. Because life goes on...

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

The reaction of loss to the death of a loved one can be manifested by emotional shock with numbness and "petrification" or anxiety, crying, sleep disturbance, appetite, narrowing of consciousness on psychotraumatic experiences, constant memories of the deceased, emotional longing, etc. With such symptoms, patients often, in connection with the death of loved ones, turn to psychiatrists and psychotherapists.

The reaction to the loss of a significant object is a specific mental process that develops according to its own laws. This period of life, accompanied by mourning, special attributes and rituals, has a very important task - the adaptation of the subject who has suffered a loss to a “new” life, life without a deceased person.

To date, there are no theories of grief (loss, losses) that adequately explain how people cope with losses, why they experience changing degrees and types of distress in different ways, how and after what time they adapt to life without significant dead people.

There are several classifications of grief reactions. Researchers distinguish from 3 to 12 stages or stages. These classifications assumed that the bereaved person moves from stage to stage. However, some experts criticize this approach. They believe that the main difficulty in using these classifications lies in the lack of clear boundaries between the stages, but recurring recurrences of the disease state, when the patient returns to an already past, seemingly successfully lived stage.

Another feature of the manifestation of grief, which makes it difficult to use stage classifications and diagnose the current state, is its individual and variable nature. In addition, in certain cases, some stages are absent or are poorly expressed, and then they cannot be tracked and / or taken into consideration. Therefore, some authors prefer to focus not on stages and stages, but on the tasks that must be completed by a person experiencing loss during the normal course of grief.

Thus, the majority of modern specialists identify diverse variants of the course and changeability of grief experiences, which differ significantly in intensity and duration among cultural groups and among different people.

It is important for a psychiatrist (psychotherapist) in his practice to distinguish the adaptive variant of coping with a tragic situation (uncomplicated grief) from the maladaptive variant (complicated grief).

Subjective experiences of loss are individually different for each person, and therefore the clinical manifestations can be extremely variable. However, the psychiatrist (psychotherapist) needs to form an opinion on whether a person's grief develops adaptively or not in order to decide on an intervention. A clinician who does not represent the range of grief symptoms runs the risk of interfering with the normal process and possibly upsetting it.

The practitioner's knowledge of the boundaries of uncomplicated, adaptive grief can help them recognize complicated grief and/or depression following the death of a loved one.

Although uncomplicated grief is determined to some extent by temporal criteria and the depth of experiences, they are not decisive. The criteria for diagnosing uncomplicated grief are:

1. The presence of state dynamics. Grief is not a state, but a process. A “frozen”, unchanging state should inspire fear.

2. Periodic distraction from the painful reality of death.

3. The emergence of positive feelings during the first 6 months after the death of a loved one.

4. Transition from acute to integrated grief. Shear M.K. and Mulhare E. distinguish two forms of grief. The first is acute grief that occurs immediately after death. It is manifested by severe sadness, crying, unusual dysphoric emotions, preoccupation with thoughts and memories of a departed person, impaired neurovegetative functions, difficulty concentrating, and a relative lack of interest in other people and activity in everyday life.

During the transition from acute to integrated grief, the intensity of psychopathological disorders decreases and the person who has experienced the loss finds a way to return to a full life. The loss is integrated into autobiographical memory, thoughts and memories of the deceased no longer absorb all attention and do not disable. Unlike acute grief, integrated grief does not constantly occupy one's thoughts or interfere with other activities. However, there may be periods when acute grief re-actualizes. This often happens during significant events such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, but especially on "round" dates associated with the death of a loved one.

5. The ability of the bereaved subject not only to recognize the death of a loved one and part with him, but also to search for new and constructive ways to continue the relationship with the deceased. Faced with the dilemma of balancing internal and external realities, mourners gradually learn to see their loved one again in their lives as dead.

The researchers found that the presence of the above criteria is a sign of resilience for bereaved people and is associated with good long-term outcomes for them.

Complicated grief, sometimes referred to in relation to intractable or traumatic grief, is a common term for a syndrome of prolonged (extended) and intense grief, which is associated with a significant deterioration in work, health, social functioning.

Complicated grief is a syndrome that occurs in about 40% of bereaved people, which is associated with an inability to move from acute to integrated grief.

In complicated grief, the symptoms overlap with those of normal, uncomplicated grief and are often overlooked. They are perceived as "normal" with the erroneous assumption that time, strong character and a natural support system will correct the situation and free the grieving person from mental suffering. Although uncomplicated grief can be extremely painful and devastating, it is usually tolerable and does not require specific treatment. At the same time, complicated grief and various mental disorders associated with it can be maladaptive and severely disabling, affecting the functioning and quality of life of the patient, leading to severe somatic diseases or suicide. Such conditions require specific psychotherapeutic and psychiatric intervention.

People with complicated grief are characterized by specific psychological attitudes associated with difficulties in accepting the death of a loved one. They perceive joy for themselves as something unacceptable and shameful, they believe that their life is also over and that the severe pain that they endure will never disappear. These people do not want the grief to end, because they feel that this is all that is left for them from the relationship with their loved ones. Some of them idealize the deceased or try to self-identify with him, adopting some of his character traits and even symptoms of the disease.

Subjects with complicated grief sometimes show over-involvement in activities related to the deceased on the one hand, and excessive avoidance of other activities. Often these people feel alienated from others, including those previously close to them.

DasWortgewand/ Pixabay

There are many researchers of the "soul" - this most mysterious and incomprehensible phenomenon. Both religion and science often argue about the origin of life, but they agree on the existence of a soul in humans. It is difficult to deny it, but it is also not possible to fully explore it either. The soul definitely exists. But, as it turned out, not everyone. Believers say about people without a soul: “I sold my soul to the devil”, “I ruined my soul”, “drank my soul away”. Esotericists and psychologists are also inclined to argue that a person can lose his soul. But only partially. They name several signs by which one can determine that the soul is “lost”, exhausted, or a person has lost contact with it.

Psychology of "loss" of the soul

In psychology, relatively speaking, the soul refers to the unconscious, intuition, feelings. This is a part of the psyche (translated from the Greek psyche - soul, spirit, consciousness). Is a person possible without it? Obviously not. Therefore, from the point of view of psychologists, the soul cannot leave a person, or “not be born” in him at all. But dissociation can occur - a psychological defense mechanism provoked by strong emotions, internal contradictions. With its help, nature protects the body from psychological trauma and blocks the perception of traumatic situations. As a result, a person begins to treat the current reality as not connected with him, and with his life. It seems to be divided into parts, hiding behind masks or merging with them.

Carl Jung suggested that these psychological personalities of a person are composed of "complexes". They are “an emotionally colored set of ideas, motives and attitudes that have a significant impact on the development and functioning of the psyche, personality and human behavior”, and are either formed in the unconscious or forced out there and still remain unconscious. When a person loses control over one of these "complexes", conscious energy weakens. Thus, a psychological imbalance is created and the natural integrity of a person is destroyed. Psychologists refer to this as "multiple personality disorder" and in tribal cultures it would be called soul loss.

There are complex and mild forms of "split personality". With complex cases, everything is clear - a person is called mentally ill and sent to treat (return his soul) to psychiatric hospitals. In the case of a partial "loss" of the soul (and this includes post-traumatic stress, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction and other addictions), people themselves try to heal spiritual wounds and gain integrity. They turn to God, to healers, to psychologists. Church, charity, meditation, creativity, love, self-sacrifice are means of healing the soul. Not always, but often this helps a person who feels that he has “lost” his soul, has broken the harmony between the world and himself.

Signs of a person "without a soul"

Unfortunately, not everyone realizes that they have lost touch with their own soul. But not always soulless is only the person in whom the “devil” has moved in (murderer, rapist, thief, liar, hypocrite, etc.). “Empty” can be anyone, regardless of the level of education, upbringing or conscience. You can recognize a person "without a soul" by the following signs:

Five defining signs will help you figure out who to stay away from. If there is someone in your environment who has at least two of these traits, try to communicate with such a character as neutrally as possible so as not to become his victim.

2.2. Psychological help at different stages of experiencing loss

Let's move on to considering the specifics of psychological assistance to a grieving person at each of the indicative stages of experiencing loss.

1. Stage of shock and denial. During the period of the first reactions to the loss, the psychologist or those who are close to the person who has lost their loved one has a triple task: (1) first of all, get the person out of the state of shock, (2) then help him recognize the fact of the loss when he ready for this, and (3) plus, try to awaken feelings, and thereby start the work of grief.

To bring a person out of shock, it is necessary to restore his contact with reality, for which the following actions can be taken:

Calling by name, simple questions and requests to the bereaved;

Use of eye-catching, meaningful visual impressions, such as objects associated with the deceased;

Tactile contact with the grieving.

A person who has lost his loved one will be able to quickly come to the recognition of the loss if the interlocutor recognizes the misfortune that has occurred with all his actions and words. It will be easier for him to admit into consciousness and outwardly manifest the whole complex of feelings associated with the death of a loved one, if the person next to him facilitates and stimulates this process, creates favorable conditions. What can be done for this?

To be open in relation to the grieving person and all his possible experiences, paying attention to their slightest signs and manifestations.

Openly express your feelings towards him and about the loss.

Talk about emotionally significant moments of what happened, thereby affecting hidden feelings. However, it is necessary to remember that at first, a person may need protective mechanisms, as they help him to stand on his feet after the blow received, not to collapse under a flurry of emotions. Therefore, it is very important for the psychologist to be sensitive to the human condition, to be aware of the meaning and strength of his actions, and to be able to subtly feel the moment when the grieving person is psychologically ready to face the loss and the whole range of feelings associated with it.

A wonderful description of psychologically competent behavior with a person who has just suffered a loss is given by N. S. Leskov in the novel “The Bypassed”.

Dolinsky still sat over the bed and stared motionlessly at Dora's dead head...

- Nestor Ignatich! Onuchin called him.

There was no answer. Onuchin repeated his call - the same thing, Dolinsky did not move.

Vera Sergeevna stood for several minutes and, without removing her right hand from her brother's elbow, laid her left firmly on Dolinsky's shoulder and, bending down to his head, said affectionately:

- Nestor Ignatich!

Dolinsky seemed to wake up, passed his hand over his forehead and looked at the guests.

- Hello! - Mademoiselle Onuchina told him again.

- Hello! he answered, and his left cheek again twisted into the same strange smile.

Vera Sergeevna took his hand and again shook it with an effort.

Let's pause for a moment in reading this episode and pay attention to the state of Dolinsky, who lost his beloved woman a few hours ago, and to the actions of Vera Sergeevna. Dolinsky is undoubtedly in a state of shock: he sits in a frozen pose, does not react to others, does not immediately respond to the words addressed to him. The same is evidenced by his “strange smile”, obviously inadequate to the situation and hiding underneath a lot of strong feelings that cannot be expressed. Vera Sergeevna, for her part, is trying to get him out of this state through gentle but persistent treatment and touches. However, let's go back to the text of the novel and see what she will do next.

“Vera Sergeevna put both her hands on Dolinsky’s shoulders and said:

- You're the only one left now!

“One,” Dolinsky replied in a barely audible voice, and, looking back at the dead Dora, smiled again.

“Your loss is terrible,” continued Vera Sergeevna, without taking her eyes off him.

“Terrible,” Dolinsky answered indifferently.

Onuchin pulled his sister by the sleeve and made a stern grimace. Vera Sergeevna looked round at her brother, and answering him with an impatient movement of her eyebrows, turned again to Dolinsky, who stood before her in petrified calm.

Was she in a lot of pain?

- And so young!

Dolinsky was silent and carefully wiped his left hand with his right hand.

Dolinsky looked back at Dora and dropped it in a whisper:

- How she loved you! .. God, what a loss! Dolinsky seemed to stagger on his feet.

- And for what such misfortune!

- For what! For… for what! groaned Dolinsky, and falling into Vera Sergeevna's knees, he sobbed like a child who has been punished without guilt as an example to others.

“Come on, Nestor Ignatich,” Kirill Sergeevich began, but his sister again stopped his compassionate impulse and gave freedom to crying to Dolinsky, who hugged her knees in despair.

Little by little he burst out crying and, leaning on a chair, looked once more at the dead woman and said sadly:

The actions of Vera Sergeevna surprise, if I may say so, with their "professionalism", sensitivity and at the same time confidence. We see that while maintaining tactile contact with Dolinsky, she began by stating the fact of the loss, then tried to turn to the feelings of the interlocutor, struck by the loss. However, it was not possible to immediately wake them up - he was still in a state of shock - "petrified calmness." Then Vera Sergeevna began to turn to emotionally significant moments of loss, as if touching one or another pain point. At the same time, she, in fact, empathically reflected, voiced what must have been going on inside Dolinsky, and thereby paved the way for his experiences that found no way out. This elegant and very effective approach can be purposefully used in the psychological practice of working with grief. And in the above episode, he led to a natural healing result - Dolinsky expressed his grief, his anger and resentment (“For what!”), Mourned the loss of his beloved, and in the end came, if not to acceptance, then at least to the actual recognition of death Dora ("It's over").

This scene is also interesting in that it demonstrates two contrasting ways of behaving with the mourner. One of them is the already considered approach of Vera Sergeevna, the other, opposite to it and very common, is the way of behavior of her brother Onuchin. The latter tried to keep his sister first, then Dolinsky. By his actions, he shows us how not to behave with a grieving person, namely: to hush up the misfortune that has happened and prevent a person from mourning the deceased, expressing his grief.

In contrast, Vera Sergeevna is an example of consistently competent interaction with the bereaved. After she helped Dolinsky recognize and mourn the loss, she undertook to help prepare the deceased for burial (provided practical assistance), and Dolinsky, along with her brother, offered to go send a dispatch to relatives. There is also a subtle sense of the situation here: firstly, it protects him from excessive fixation on the deceased, secondly, it does not leave him alone, thirdly, it maintains his connection with reality through a practical assignment, thanks to which it prevents slipping into the previous state and reinforces the positive dynamics of experiencing loss.

This example of communication with a person in the period immediately after the death of his loved one is undoubtedly very instructive. At the same time, the bereaved are not always ready to let grief into themselves so quickly. Therefore, it can be important that not only a psychologist, but also family members and friends are involved in helping the grieving. And even if they cannot behave as competently and gracefully as in the episode under consideration, their very silent presence and readiness for a breakthrough of grief can play a significant role.

2. Stage of anger and resentment. At this phase of experiencing loss, the psychologist may face different tasks, the most common of them are the following two:

Help the person to understand that the negative feelings they experience directed at others are normal;

Help him express these feelings in an acceptable form, direct them in a constructive way.

Understanding that anger, indignation, irritation, resentment are quite natural and common emotions when experiencing loss is healing in itself and often brings some relief to a person. This awareness is essential, as it performs several positive functions:

Reducing anxiety about your condition. Among all the emotions experienced by bereaved people, it is strong anger and irritation that most often turn out to be unexpected, so that they can even raise doubts about their own mental health. Accordingly, the knowledge that many grieving people experience similar emotions helps to calm down a little.

Facilitating the recognition and expression of negative emotions. Many bereaved people try to suppress their anger and resentment, because they are not ready for their appearance and consider them reprehensible. Accordingly, if they learn that these emotional experiences are almost natural, then it is easier for them to recognize them in themselves and express them.

Prevention of guilt. Sometimes it happens that a person who has suffered a loss, having barely realized his anger (often unreasonable) at other people, and even more so at the deceased, begins to reproach himself for it. If this anger is also poured out on others, then after this the feeling of guilt for the unpleasant experiences delivered to other people increases even more. In this case, recognizing the normality of anger and resentment as a reaction to loss helps to treat them with understanding, and therefore better control.

In order to help a person develop an adequate perception of his emotions, a psychologist, firstly, needs to be tolerant of them himself, as something taken for granted, and secondly, he can inform a person that such feelings are quite normal. a reaction to loss, observed in many people who have lost their loved ones.

Next comes the task of expressing anger and resentment. “With the anger of the bereaved,” notes I. O. Vagin, “it must be remembered that if anger remains inside a person, it“ feeds ”depression. Therefore, you should help her “pour out” out. In the psychologist's office, this can be done in a relatively free form, it is only important to treat the pouring emotional experiences with acceptance. In other situations, it is necessary to help a person learn to manage his anger, not to let him discharge at everyone who comes to hand, but to direct him in a constructive direction: physical activity (sports and work), diary entries, etc. In everyday communication with people - relatives, friends, colleagues and just random strangers - it is desirable to control the emotions directed against them, and if they are expressed, then in an adequate form that allows people to correctly perceive them: as a manifestation of grief, and not as an attack against them.

It is also important for the specialist to keep in mind that anger is usually the result of helplessness associated with a person's inability to die. Therefore, another direction of helping a person experiencing a loss can be work with his attitude to death as a given of earthly existence, often beyond control. It may also be appropriate to discuss the attitude towards one's mortality, although here everything is decided by the degree of relevance of these issues for a person: whether he responds to them or not.

3. Stage of guilt and obsessions. Since guilt is almost universal among grieving people and is often a very persistent and painful experience, it becomes a particularly common subject of psychological help in grief. Let us outline the strategic line of action of a psychologist when working with the problem of guilt towards the deceased.

The first step that makes sense to take is just to talk to the person about this feeling, to give him the opportunity to talk about his experiences, to express them. This alone (with the empathic, accepting participation of a psychologist) may be enough for everything to be more or less in order in a person’s soul and it becomes somewhat easier for him. You can also talk about the circumstances of the death of a loved one and the behavior of the client at the time so that he can be convinced that he exaggerates his real opportunities to influence what happened. If the feeling of guilt is clearly unfounded, the psychologist can try to convince the person that, on the one hand, he did not contribute in any way to the death of his loved one, on the other hand, he did everything possible to prevent it. As for the theoretically possible options for preventing loss, it requires, firstly, an awareness of the limitations of human capabilities, in particular, the inability to fully foresee the future, and secondly, the acceptance of one’s own imperfection, like any other representative of the human race.

The next, second step (if the feeling of guilt turned out to be persistent) is to decide what the client would like to do with his guilt. As practice shows, the initial request often sounds straightforward: get rid of guilt. And here comes the subtle point. If the psychologist immediately “rushes” to fulfill the wish of the bereaved, trying to remove the burden of guilt from him, he may encounter an unexpected difficulty: despite the wish expressed aloud, the client seems to resist its fulfillment or the guilt seems to not want to part with his master. We will find an explanation for this if we remember that guilt is different and not every feeling of guilt needs to be removed, especially since it does not always lend itself to this.

Therefore, the third step to be taken is to find out whether the guilt is neurotic or existential. The first diagnostic criterion for neurotic guilt is the discrepancy between the severity of the experiences and the actual magnitude of the “offences”. And sometimes these “misconducts” can turn out to be imaginary at all. The second criterion is the presence in the client's social environment of some external source of accusation, in relation to which he most likely experiences any negative emotions, for example, indignation or resentment. The third criterion is that the guilt does not become one's own, but turns out to be a "foreign body", from which he longs to get rid of with all his heart. To clarify this, you can use the following method. The psychologist asks a person to imagine a fantastic situation: someone infinitely powerful offers instantly, right now, to completely rid him of guilt - whether he agrees to it or not. It is assumed that if the client answers "yes", then his guilt is neurotic, if he answers "no", then his guilt is existential.

The fourth step and further actions depend on what kind of guilt, as it turned out, the bereaved is experiencing. In the case of neurotic guilt that is not genuine and not one's own, the task is to identify its source, help to rethink the situation, develop a more mature attitude and, thus, get rid of the original feeling. In the case of existential guilt, which arises as a consequence of irreparable mistakes and, in principle, cannot be eliminated, the task is to help to realize the significance of guilt (if a person does not want to part with it, it means that he needs it for some reason), to extract from it a positive life meaning and learn to live with it.

As examples of positive meanings that can be extracted from feelings of guilt, we note the options encountered in practice:

Guilt as a life lesson: the realization that you need to give people goodness and love in time - while they are alive, while you yourself are alive, while there is such an opportunity;

Guilt as a payment for a mistake: the mental anguish experienced by a person who repents of past actions acquires the meaning of redemption;

Guilt as evidence of morality: a person perceives guilt as the voice of conscience and comes to the conclusion that this feeling is absolutely normal, and vice versa, it would be abnormal (immoral) if he did not experience it.

It is important not only to discover a certain positive meaning of guilt, it is also important to realize this meaning or, at least, to direct guilt in a positive direction, to transform it into an incentive for activity. Two options are possible here, depending on the level of existential guilt.

That which is associated with guilt cannot be corrected. Then it remains only to accept. However, at the same time, the opportunity remains to do something useful for other people, to engage in charitable activities. At the same time, it is important that a person realizes that his current activity is not a retribution to the deceased, but is aimed at helping other people and, accordingly, should be guided by their needs in order to be adequate and really useful. In addition, certain actions can be performed for the deceased himself (or rather, in memory of him and out of love and respect for him) (for example, to complete the work he started). Even if they are in no way connected with the subject of guilt, nevertheless, their fulfillment can bring some consolation to a person.

Something that causes a feeling of guilt, albeit belatedly (after the death of a loved one), but still can be corrected or implemented at least partially (for example, the request of the deceased to make peace with relatives). Then a person has the opportunity to actually do something that can retroactively justify him to some extent in the eyes of the deceased (before his memory). Moreover, efforts can be directed both to the fulfillment of the requests of the deceased in his lifetime, and to the execution of his will.

The fifth step ended up with us, according to the logic of the presentation, at the end. However, it can be done earlier, since asking for forgiveness is always on time, if there is anything for it. The ultimate goal of this final step is to say goodbye to the deceased. If a person realizes that he is really guilty before him, then it is important not only to admit guilt and extract a positive meaning from it, but also to ask for forgiveness from the deceased. This can be done in a different form: mentally, in writing, or using the “empty chair” technique. In the latter version, it is very important for the client to be able to see himself and his relationship with the deceased through the eyes of the latter. From his position, the reason that causes a feeling of guilt can be evaluated in a completely different way and, perhaps, even be perceived as insignificant. At the same time, a person can suddenly clearly feel that for everything that he is really guilty of, the deceased "surely forgives" him. This feeling reconciles the living with the dead and brings peace to the former.

And yet, sometimes, if guilt is too inadequate and hypertrophied, acknowledging it before the deceased does not lead to spiritual reconciliation with him or to a reassessment of the offense, and self-accusation sometimes turns into a real one (self-flagellation. As a rule, this state of affairs is facilitated by the idealization of the deceased and “denigration "self, exaggeration of one's shortcomings. In this case, it is necessary to restore an adequate perception of the personality of the deceased and one's own personality. It is usually especially difficult to see and recognize the shortcomings of the deceased. Therefore, the first task is to help the mourner come to terms with his weaknesses, learn to see in himself strengths Only then is it possible to recreate a realistic image of the deceased.This can be facilitated by talking about the personality of the deceased in all its complexity, about the advantages and disadvantages combined in it.

Thus, starting with a request to his loved one for forgiveness, a person comes to forgive him himself. It is noteworthy that the forgiveness of the deceased for possible insults inflicted on him can also, to some extent, relieve the grieving from excessive feelings of guilt, because if he continues to be offended for something at the deceased in the depths of his soul, experience negative feelings towards him. emotions, then he can blame himself for it. Moreover, resentment towards the deceased and his idealization, logically contradicting each other, can actually coexist at different levels of consciousness. Thus, having come to terms with his own imperfection and asking for forgiveness for his own mistakes, as well as accepting the weaknesses of the deceased and forgiving them to him, a person reconciles with his loved one and at the same time gets rid of the double burden of guilt.

Reconciliation with a loved one is very important, because it allows you to take a decisive step towards the end of earthly relationships with him. Feelings of guilt indicate that there is something unfinished in the relationship with the deceased. However, according to the apt remark of R. Moody, “in fact, everything unfinished has ended. You just don't like that ending." That is why it is important to reconcile and accept everything as it is, so that you can live on.

In addition to the general picture of working with guilt, let's add a few touches concerning particular situations and individual cases of guilt, as well as obsessive fantasies about a possible "salvation" of the deceased. Many of these situations are transient, and therefore do not require special intervention. So, it is not at all necessary to deal with repeated "if" in the client. Sometimes you can even get involved in his game, and then he himself will see the unrealism of his assumptions. At the same time, since one of the sources of guilt and the obsessive phenomena associated with it can be a person's overestimation of his ability to control the circumstances of life and death, in some cases it is appropriate to work with the attitude towards death in general. With regard specifically to the guilt of the survivor, the guilt of relief or joy, in addition to everything that has been said in these cases, elements of an unobtrusive “Socratic dialogue” (maieutics) can be used. It is also important to inform a person about the absolute normality of these experiences and, relatively speaking, to give him “permission” to continue a full life and positive emotions.

4. Stage of suffering and depression. At this stage, the actual suffering from the loss, from the resulting emptiness, comes to the fore. The division of this stage and the previous one, as we remember, is very conditional. Just as at the previous stage, along with guilt, suffering and elements of depression are certainly present, so at this stage, against the background of dominant suffering and depression, a feeling of guilt can persist, especially if it is real, existential. Nevertheless, let's talk about psychological help specifically for a person suffering from a loss and experiencing depression.

The main source of pain for the grieving is the absence of a loved one nearby. Loss leaves a big wound in the soul, and it takes time for it to heal. Can a psychologist somehow influence this healing process: speed it up or make it easier? Essentially, I think not; probably only to some extent - by walking with the mourner some part of this path, substituting a hand for support. This joint path can be as follows: to remember a past life when the now deceased was nearby, to revive the events associated with him, both difficult and pleasant, to experience feelings related to him, both positive and negative. It is also important to identify and mourn the secondary loss that the death of a loved one entails. It is equally important to thank him for all the good that he did, for all the light that is connected with him.

Co-presence with the grieving person and a conversation about his experiences (listen, give the opportunity to cry) are again of great importance. At the same time, in everyday life, the role of these aspects of communication with the bereaved becomes less active at this stage. As E. M. Cherepanova notes, “here you can and should give a person, if he wants it, to be alone.” It is also desirable to involve him in household chores and socially useful activities. The actions of a psychologist or people around him in this direction should be unobtrusive, and the mode of life of the grieving person should be gentle. If the person experiencing the loss is a believer, then during the period of suffering and depression, spiritual support from the church can become especially valuable for him.

The main goal of the psychologist's work at this stage is to help in accepting the loss. In order for this acceptance to come about, it may be important that the mourner first accepts his or her grief over the loss. It will probably be better for him if he is imbued with the realization that "pain is the price we pay for having a loved one." Then he will be able to treat the pain he experiences as a natural reaction to the loss, to understand that it would be strange if it were not there.

Suffering, including that caused by the death of a loved one, can be not only accepted, but also endowed with an important personal meaning (which in itself has a healing effect). The world-famous founder of logotherapy, Viktor Frankl, is convinced of this. And this is not the result of theoretical reflections, but the knowledge he personally suffered and tested by practice. Explaining his thought, Frankl tells an incident connected precisely with grief. “Once an elderly medical practitioner consulted me about severe depression. He couldn't get over the loss of his wife, who died two years ago and whom he loved more than anything. But how could I help him? What should have been said to him? I refused any conversation and instead asked him a question: “Tell me, doctor, what would happen if you died first and your wife outlived you?” “Oh! - he said, - for her it would be terrible; how much she would suffer!” To which I said: “See, doctor, what suffering it would cost her, and it would be you who would be the cause of this suffering; but now you have to pay the price by staying alive and mourning her.” He didn't say another word, just shook my hand and quietly left my office." Suffering somehow ceases to be suffering after it acquires a meaning, such as, for example, the meaning of sacrifice. Thus, another task of the psychologist becomes helping the grieving person to discover the meaning of suffering.

We say that the pain of loss must be accepted, but at the same time, only pain that is natural and to the extent that it is inevitable needs acceptance. If the mourner holds back suffering as proof of his love for the deceased, then it turns into self-torture. In this case, it is required to reveal its psychological roots (feelings of guilt, irrational beliefs, cultural stereotypes, social expectations, etc.) and try to correct them. In addition, it is important to come to an understanding that in order to continue to love a person, it is not at all necessary to suffer greatly, you can do it in a different way, you just need to find ways to express your love.

To switch a person from endless walking in a circle of sorrowful experiences and transferring the center of gravity from the inside (from obsession with loss) to the outside (into reality), E. M. Cherepanova recommends using the method of forming a sense of real guilt. Its essence is to reproach a person for his "selfishness" - after all, he is too busy with his experiences and does not care about the people around who need his help. It is assumed that such words will contribute to the completion of the work of grief, and the person will not only not be offended, but will even feel gratitude and experience relief.

A similar effect (return to reality) can sometimes have an appeal to the supposed opinion of the deceased about the state of the mourner. There are two options here:

Presenting this opinion in a ready-made form: “He probably wouldn’t like it that you would kill yourself like that, abandon everything.” This option is more suitable for everyday communication with the bereaved.

Discussion with a person, how the deceased would react, what he would feel, what he would like to say, looking at his suffering. To enhance the effect, the “empty chair” technique can be used. This option is applicable, first of all, for professional psychological assistance in grief.

The psychologist should also remember that, according to research. the level of depression is positively correlated with feelings about mortality. Therefore, at this stage, as at others, the subject of discussion may be the attitude of a person to his own death.

5. Stage of acceptance and reorganization. When a person has managed to more or less accept the death of a loved one, the work with the experience of loss itself (provided that the previous stages have been successfully passed) recedes into second place. It contributes to the final recognition of the completeness of the relationship with the deceased. A person comes to such completeness when he is able to say goodbye to his loved one, carefully put in memory everything valuable that is connected with him, and find a new place for him in the soul.

The main task of psychological assistance moves to another plane. Now it mainly boils down to helping a person rebuild his life, to enter a new stage of life. To do this, as a rule, you have to work in different directions:

To streamline the world where there is no longer a dead person, to find ways to adapt to a new reality;

Rebuild the system of relationships with people to the extent necessary;

Reconsider life priorities, thinking about a variety of areas of life and identifying the most important meanings;

Determine long-term life goals, make plans for the future.

Movement in the first direction may start from the theme of secondary losses. A possible way to discover them is to discuss the diverse changes that have occurred in a person's life after the death of a loved one. Internal emotional changes, namely the difficult experiences associated with the loss, are obvious. What else has changed - in life, in the ways of interacting with the outside world? As a rule, it is easier to see and recognize negative changes: something is irretrievably lost, something is now missing. All this is an occasion to thank the deceased for what he gave. Perhaps the resulting lack of something can be somehow filled, of course, not in the way it was before, but in some new way. Appropriate resources must be found for this, and then the first step towards the reorganization of life will already be taken. As R. Moody and D. Arcangel write: “Life balance is maintained when our physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual needs are met. … Losses affect all five aspects of our being; however, most people overlook one or two of them. One of the goals of proper adaptation is to maintain the balance of our lives.

At the same time, in addition to undoubted losses and negative consequences, many losses also bring something positive to people's lives, turn out to be an impetus for the birth of something new and important (see, for example, in the previous section, the story of Moody and co-author about the possibility of spiritual growth after loss). In the early stages of experiencing the death of a loved one, it is usually not recommended to start talking about its positive consequences or meanings, as this is likely to meet with resistance from the client. However, in the later stages, when there are hints of acceptance of the loss and there is a corresponding readiness on the part of the client, discussion of these difficult moments becomes already possible. It contributes to a more subtle perception of the loss that has occurred and the discovery of new life meanings.

The actions of the psychologist, working with the client in other directions - on understanding his life and increasing its authenticity - essentially resemble the work of an existential analyst and logotherapist. At the same time, slowness, naturalness of the process and careful attitude to the emotional movements of the client are a necessary condition for success.

At any stage of experiencing loss, rituals and rituals perform an important supporting and facilitating function in relation to the grief of a person who has lost his loved one. Therefore, the psychologist should support the client's desire to participate in them or, alternatively, recommend it himself, if the proposal is consistent with the mood of the person. Many domestic and foreign authors speak about the importance of rituals, and scientific studies testify to the same. R. Kociunas speaks on this topic as follows: “Rituals are very important in mourning. The mourner needs them like air and water. It is psychologically essential to have a public and sanctioned way of expressing complex and deep feelings of grief. Rituals are necessary for the living, not for the dead, and they cannot be reduced to the point of losing their purpose.

Modern society deprives itself a lot, moving away from centuries-old cultural traditions, from rituals associated with mourning and comforting the mourners. F. Aries writes about it this way: “At the end of the 19th or the beginning of the 20th century. these codes, these rituals have disappeared. Therefore, feelings that go beyond the ordinary either do not find expression for themselves and are restrained, or splash out with unrestrained and unbearable force, since there is nothing more that could channel these violent feelings.

Note that rituals are needed both for the one who is experiencing the loss, and for the one who is next to him. They help the first to express their grief and thereby express their feelings, the second - they help to communicate with the grieving, to find an adequate approach to him. Deprived of rituals, people sometimes simply do not know how to behave with a person who has suffered the death of a loved one. And they do not find anything better than to move away from him, to avoid a problematic topic. As a result, everyone suffers: the grieving one suffers from loneliness, which intensifies an already difficult state of mind, those around him suffer from discomfort and, possibly, also from guilt.

Of fundamental importance for the bereaved is the main ritual associated with death - the funeral of the deceased. This is often discussed in the specialized literature. “The funeral ceremony provides people with an opportunity to express their feelings about how the life of the deceased has affected them, to mourn what they have lost, to realize what the most precious memory will remain with them, and to receive support. This ritual is the cornerstone of the forthcoming mourning. How important it is for the relatives of the deceased to participate in his funeral, so fraught with adverse psychological consequences is the absence of them. On this occasion, E. M. Cherepanova notes: “When a person is not present at a funeral for various reasons, he may experience pathological grief, and then, in order to alleviate his suffering, it is recommended to somehow reproduce the funeral and farewell procedure.”

Many rituals, historically developing in the church environment and in line with the beliefs of our ancestors, have a religious meaning. At the same time, this means of external expression of grief is also available to people of an atheistic worldview. They can come up with their own rituals, as foreign experts suggest. Moreover, these "inventions" do not have to be public at all, the main thing is that they make sense.

However, despite the theoretical possibility of individual rituals among atheists, religious people, on average, experience losses much easier. On the one hand, church rituals help them in this, on the other hand, they find great support in religious beliefs. The results of a foreign study showed that “for people who attend religious services and are devout believers, the experience of loss is less difficult compared to those who shy away from visiting temples and do not adhere to spiritual faith. Between these two categories there is an intermediate group, consisting of those who attend church, not being convinced of their true faith, as well as those who believe sincerely, but do not go to church.

The idea was raised above that rituals are needed by the living, and not by the dead. If we are talking about those living who are far from religion, then, undoubtedly, this is so. Yes, and religious people, they are also, of course, needed. Church traditions of funeral services and prayerful commemoration of the dead help to say goodbye to the dead, live through grief, feel support and community with other people and God. At the same time, for a person who believes in the continuation of existence after earthly death and in the possibility of a spiritual connection between the living and the dead, rituals acquire another very significant meaning - the opportunity to do something useful for a loved one who has ended his earthly life. The Orthodox tradition gives a person the opportunity to do for the deceased what he can no longer do for himself - to help him cleanse his sins. Bishop Hermogenes names three means by which the living can positively influence the afterlife of the dead:

“First, prayer for them, combined with faith. ... Prayers performed for the dead benefit them, although they do not atone for all crimes.

The second way to help the dead is to give them alms for the repose, in various donations for the temples of God.

Finally, the third, most important and powerful means to alleviate the fate of the departed is to perform a bloodless Sacrifice for the repose of them.

Thus, following church traditions, the believer not only finds in them a way to express his feelings, but, which is very important, also gets the opportunity to do something useful for the deceased, and in that for himself to find additional comfort.

Let us pay special attention to the meaning of the prayers of the living for the dead. Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh reveals their deep meaning. “All prayers for the deceased are precisely a testimony before God that this person did not live in vain. No matter how sinful and weak this person was, he left a memory full of love: everything else will decay, and love will survive everything. This idea has been repeatedly expressed by various authors, in particular I. Yalom (1980).
. That is, a prayer for the deceased is an expression of love for him and a confirmation of his value. But Vladyka Anthony goes further and says that we can testify not only by prayer, but also by our very lives, that the deceased did not live in vain, embodying in his life everything that was significant, high, genuine in him. “Everyone who lives leaves an example: an example of how to live, or an example of an unworthy life. And we must learn from every living or dead person; bad - to avoid, good - to follow. And everyone who knew the deceased should think deeply about what seal he left with his life on his own life, what seed was sown; and must bear fruit” (ibid.). Here we find the deep Christian meaning of the reorganization of life after a loss: not to start a new life, freed from everything connected with the deceased, and not to remake our life in his manner, but to take valuable seeds from the life of our loved one, sow them on the soil of our life and nurture them in your own way.

In conclusion of the chapter, we emphasize that not only rituals, but also religion in general, play an important role in the experience of grief. According to numerous foreign studies, religious people are less afraid of death, they are more accepting of it. Therefore, the principle of relying on religiosity can be added to the above general principles of psychological assistance in grief, which calls on the psychologist, regardless of his attitude to matters of faith, to support the client’s religious aspirations (when they eat). Faith in God and in the continuation of life after death, of course, does not eliminate grief, but brings a certain consolation. Saint Theophan the Recluse began one of the funeral services for the deceased with the words: “We will cry - a loved one has left us. But we will weep as believers,” that is, with faith in eternal life, and also that the deceased can inherit it, and that someday we will be reunited with him. It is this (with faith) mourning for the dead that helps to overcome grief more easily and quickly, illuminates it with the light of hope.