The experience of loss and the reaction of fear. Grief is an emotional response to loss. Phases of grief. Approaching death

Five stages of experiencing the loss (loss) of a loved one Stage 1. Denial "This could happen to anyone, but not to me!". You have heard similar stories but find it hard to believe that this has happened to you. You didn't expect your husband to do this to you. Fear

2.2. Psychological help at different stages of experiencing loss

Let's move on to considering the specifics of psychological assistance to a grieving person at each of the indicative stages of experiencing loss.

1. Stage of shock and denial. During the period of the first reactions to loss, a psychologist or someone who is close to a person who has lost their loved one has a triple task: (1) first of all, get the person out of the state of shock, (2) then help him recognize the fact of the loss when he ready for this, and (3) plus, try to awaken feelings, and thereby start the work of grief.

To bring a person out of shock, it is necessary to restore his contact with reality, for which the following actions can be taken:

Calling by name, simple questions and requests to the bereaved;

Use of eye-catching, meaningful visual impressions, such as objects associated with the deceased;

Tactile contact with the grieving.

A person who has lost his loved one will be able to quickly come to the recognition of the loss if the interlocutor recognizes the misfortune that has occurred with all his actions and words. It will be easier for him to admit into consciousness and outwardly manifest the whole complex of feelings associated with the death of a loved one, if the person next to him facilitates and stimulates this process, creates favorable conditions. What can be done for this?

To be open in relation to the grieving person and all his possible experiences, paying attention to their slightest signs and manifestations.

Openly express your feelings towards him and about the loss.

Talk about emotionally significant moments of what happened, thereby affecting hidden feelings. It is necessary, however, to remember that at first a person may need protective mechanisms, as they help him to stand on his feet after the blow received, not to collapse under a flurry of emotions. Therefore, it is very important that the psychologist be sensitive to the human condition, realize the meaning and strength of his actions and be able to subtly feel the moment when the grieving person is psychologically ready to face the loss and the whole range of feelings associated with it.

A wonderful description of psychologically competent behavior with a person who has just suffered a loss is given by N. S. Leskov in the novel “The Bypassed”.

Dolinsky still sat over the bed and stared motionlessly at Dora's dead head...

- Nestor Ignatich! Onuchin called him.

There was no answer. Onuchin repeated his call - the same thing, Dolinsky did not move.

Vera Sergeevna stood for several minutes and, without removing her right hand from her brother's elbow, laid her left firmly on Dolinsky's shoulder and, bending down to his head, said affectionately:

- Nestor Ignatich!

Dolinsky seemed to wake up, passed his hand over his forehead and looked at the guests.

- Hello! - Mademoiselle Onuchina told him again.

- Hello! he answered, and his left cheek again twisted into the same strange smile.

Vera Sergeevna took his hand and again shook it with an effort.

Let's pause for a moment in reading this episode and pay attention to the state of Dolinsky, who lost his beloved woman a few hours ago, and to the actions of Vera Sergeevna. Dolinsky is undoubtedly in a state of shock: he sits in a frozen pose, does not react to others, does not immediately respond to the words addressed to him. The same is evidenced by his “strange smile”, obviously inadequate to the situation and hiding underneath a lot of strong feelings that cannot be expressed. Vera Sergeevna, for her part, is trying to get him out of this state through gentle but persistent treatment and touches. However, let's go back to the text of the novel and see what she will do next.

“Vera Sergeevna put both her hands on Dolinsky’s shoulders and said:

- You're the only one left now!

“One,” Dolinsky replied in a barely audible voice, and, looking back at the dead Dora, smiled again.

“Your loss is terrible,” continued Vera Sergeevna, without taking her eyes off him.

“Terrible,” Dolinsky answered indifferently.

Onuchin pulled his sister by the sleeve and made a stern grimace. Vera Sergeevna looked round at her brother, and answering him with an impatient movement of her eyebrows, turned again to Dolinsky, who stood before her in petrified calm.

Was she in a lot of pain?

- And so young!

Dolinsky was silent and carefully wiped his left hand with his right hand.

Dolinsky looked back at Dora and dropped it in a whisper:

- How she loved you! .. God, what a loss! Dolinsky seemed to stagger on his feet.

- And for what such misfortune!

- For what! For… for what! groaned Dolinsky, and falling into Vera Sergeevna's knees, he sobbed like a child who has been punished without guilt as an example to others.

“Come on, Nestor Ignatich,” Kirill Sergeevich began, but his sister again stopped his compassionate impulse and gave freedom to crying to Dolinsky, who hugged her knees in despair.

Little by little he burst out crying and, leaning on a chair, looked once more at the dead woman and said sadly:

The actions of Vera Sergeevna surprise, if I may say so, with their "professionalism", sensitivity and at the same time confidence. We see that while maintaining tactile contact with Dolinsky, she began by stating the fact of the loss, then tried to turn to the feelings of the interlocutor, struck by the loss. However, it was not possible to immediately wake them up - he was still in a state of shock - "petrified calmness." Then Vera Sergeevna began to turn to emotionally significant moments of loss, as if touching one or another pain point. At the same time, she, in fact, empathically reflected, voiced what must have been going on inside Dolinsky, and thereby paved the way for his experiences that found no way out. This elegant and very effective approach can be purposefully used in the psychological practice of working with grief. And in the above episode, he led to a natural healing result - Dolinsky expressed his grief, his anger and resentment (“For what!”), Mourned the loss of his beloved, and in the end came, if not to acceptance, then at least to the actual recognition of death Dora ("It's over").

This scene is also interesting in that it demonstrates two contrasting ways of behaving with the mourner. One of them is the already considered approach of Vera Sergeevna, the other, opposite to it and very common, is the way of behavior of her brother Onuchin. The latter tried to keep his sister first, then Dolinsky. By his actions, he shows us how not to behave with a grieving person, namely: to hush up the misfortune that has happened and prevent a person from mourning the deceased, expressing his grief.

In contrast, Vera Sergeevna is an example of consistently competent interaction with the bereaved. After she helped Dolinsky recognize and mourn the loss, she undertook to help prepare the deceased for burial (provided practical assistance), and Dolinsky, along with her brother, offered to go send a dispatch to relatives. There is also a subtle sense of the situation here: firstly, it protects him from excessive fixation on the deceased, secondly, it does not leave him alone, thirdly, it maintains his connection with reality through a practical assignment, thanks to which it prevents slipping into the previous state and reinforces the positive dynamics of experiencing loss.

This example of communication with a person in the period immediately after the death of his loved one is undoubtedly very instructive. At the same time, the bereaved are not always ready to let grief into themselves so quickly. Therefore, it can be important that not only a psychologist, but also family members and friends are involved in helping the grieving. And even if they cannot behave as competently and gracefully as in the episode under consideration, their very silent presence and readiness for a breakthrough of grief can play a significant role.

2. Stage of anger and resentment. At this phase of experiencing loss, the psychologist may face different tasks, the most common of them are the following two:

Help the person to understand that the negative feelings they experience directed at others are normal;

Help him express these feelings in an acceptable form, direct them in a constructive way.

Understanding that anger, indignation, irritation, resentment are quite natural and common emotions when experiencing loss is healing in itself and often brings some relief to a person. This awareness is essential, as it performs several positive functions:

Reducing anxiety about your condition. Among all the emotions experienced by bereaved people, it is strong anger and irritation that most often turn out to be unexpected, so that they can even raise doubts about their own mental health. Accordingly, the knowledge that many grieving people experience similar emotions helps to calm down a little.

Facilitating the recognition and expression of negative emotions. Many bereaved people try to suppress their anger and resentment, because they are not ready for their appearance and consider them reprehensible. Accordingly, if they learn that these emotional experiences are almost natural, then it is easier for them to recognize them in themselves and express them.

Prevention of guilt. Sometimes it happens that a person who has suffered a loss, having barely realized his anger (often unreasonable) at other people, and even more so at the deceased, begins to reproach himself for it. If this anger is also poured out on others, then after this the feeling of guilt for the unpleasant experiences delivered to other people increases even more. In this case, recognizing the normality of anger and resentment as a reaction to loss helps to treat them with understanding, and therefore better control.

In order to help a person develop an adequate perception of his emotions, a psychologist, firstly, needs to be tolerant of them himself, as something taken for granted, and secondly, he can inform a person that such feelings are quite normal. a reaction to loss, observed in many people who have lost their loved ones.

Next comes the task of expressing anger and resentment. “With the anger of the bereaved,” notes I. O. Vagin, “it must be remembered that if anger remains inside a person, it“ feeds ”depression. Therefore, you should help her “pour out” out. In the psychologist's office, this can be done in a relatively free form, it is only important to treat the pouring emotional experiences with acceptance. In other situations, it is necessary to help a person learn to manage his anger, not to let him discharge at everyone who comes to hand, but to direct him in a constructive direction: physical activity (sports and work), diary entries, etc. In everyday communication with people - relatives, friends, colleagues and just random strangers - it is desirable to control the emotions directed against them, and if they are expressed, then in an adequate form that allows people to correctly perceive them: as a manifestation of grief, and not as an attack against them.

It is also important for the specialist to keep in mind that anger is usually the result of helplessness associated with a person's inability to die. Therefore, another direction of helping a person experiencing a loss can be work with his attitude to death as a given of earthly existence, often beyond control. It may also be appropriate to discuss attitudes towards one's mortality, although here everything is decided by the degree of relevance of these issues for a person: whether he responds to them or not.

3. Stage of guilt and obsessions. Since guilt is almost universal among grieving people and is often a very persistent and painful experience, it becomes a particularly common subject of psychological help in grief. Let us outline the strategic line of action of a psychologist when working with the problem of guilt towards the deceased.

The first step that makes sense to take is just to talk to a person about this feeling, to give him the opportunity to talk about his experiences, to express them. This alone (with the empathic accepting participation of a psychologist) may be enough for everything to be more or less in order in a person’s soul and it becomes somewhat easier for him. You can also talk about the circumstances of the death of a loved one and the behavior of the client at the time so that he can be convinced that he exaggerates his real opportunities to influence what happened. If the feeling of guilt is clearly unfounded, the psychologist can try to convince the person that, on the one hand, he did not contribute in any way to the death of his loved one, on the other hand, he did everything possible to prevent it. As for the theoretically possible options for preventing loss, it requires, firstly, an awareness of the limitations of human capabilities, in particular, the inability to fully foresee the future, and secondly, the acceptance of one’s own imperfection, like any other representative of the human race.

The next, second step (if the feeling of guilt turned out to be persistent) is to decide what the client would like to do with his guilt. As practice shows, the initial request often sounds straightforward: get rid of guilt. And here comes the subtle point. If the psychologist immediately “rushes” to fulfill the wish of the bereaved, trying to remove the burden of guilt from him, he may encounter an unexpected difficulty: despite the wish expressed aloud, the client seems to resist its fulfillment or the guilt seems to not want to part with his master. We will find an explanation for this if we remember that guilt is different and not every feeling of guilt needs to be removed, especially since it does not always lend itself to this.

Therefore, the third step to be taken is to find out whether the guilt is neurotic or existential. The first diagnostic criterion for neurotic guilt is the discrepancy between the severity of the experiences and the actual magnitude of the “offences”. And sometimes these “misconducts” can turn out to be imaginary at all. The second criterion is the presence in the client's social environment of some external source of accusation, in relation to which he most likely experiences any negative emotions, for example, indignation or resentment. The third criterion is that guilt does not become a person's own, but turns out to be a "foreign body", from which he longs to get rid of with all his heart. To clarify this, you can use the following method. The psychologist asks a person to imagine a fantastic situation: someone infinitely powerful offers to immediately, right now, completely rid him of guilt - whether he agrees to it or not. It is assumed that if the client answers "yes", then his guilt is neurotic, if he answers "no", then his guilt is existential.

The fourth step and further actions depend on what kind of guilt, as it turned out, the bereaved is experiencing. In the case of neurotic guilt that is not genuine and not one's own, the task is to identify its source, help to rethink the situation, develop a more mature attitude and, thus, get rid of the original feeling. In the case of existential guilt, which arises as a consequence of irreparable mistakes and, in principle, cannot be eliminated, the task is to help to realize the significance of guilt (if a person does not want to part with it, it means that he needs it for some reason), to extract from it a positive life meaning and learn to live with it.

As examples of positive meanings that can be extracted from feelings of guilt, we note the options encountered in practice:

Guilt as a life lesson: the realization that you need to give people goodness and love in time - while they are alive, while you yourself are alive, while there is such an opportunity;

Guilt as a payment for a mistake: the mental anguish experienced by a person who repents of past actions acquires the meaning of redemption;

Guilt as evidence of morality: a person perceives guilt as the voice of conscience and comes to the conclusion that this feeling is absolutely normal, and vice versa, it would be abnormal (immoral) if he did not experience it.

It is important not only to discover a certain positive meaning of guilt, it is also important to realize this meaning or, at least, to direct guilt in a positive direction, to transform it into an incentive for activity. Two options are possible here, depending on the level of existential guilt.

That which is associated with guilt cannot be corrected. Then it remains only to accept. However, at the same time, the opportunity remains to do something useful for other people, to engage in charitable activities. At the same time, it is important that a person realizes that his current activity is not a retribution to the deceased, but is aimed at helping other people and, accordingly, should be guided by their needs in order to be adequate and really useful. In addition, certain actions can be performed for the deceased himself (or rather, in memory of him and out of love and respect for him) (for example, to complete the work he started). Even if they are in no way connected with the subject of guilt, nevertheless, their fulfillment can bring some consolation to a person.

Something that causes a feeling of guilt, albeit belatedly (already after the death of a loved one), but still can be corrected or implemented at least partially (for example, the request of the deceased to make peace with relatives). Then a person has the opportunity to actually do something that can retroactively justify him to some extent in the eyes of the deceased (before his memory). Moreover, efforts can be directed both to the fulfillment of the requests of the deceased in his lifetime, and to the execution of his will.

The fifth step ended up with us, according to the logic of the presentation, at the end. However, it can be done earlier, since asking for forgiveness is always on time, if there is anything for it. The ultimate goal of this final step is to say goodbye to the deceased. If a person realizes that he is really guilty before him, then it is important not only to admit guilt and extract a positive meaning from it, but also to ask for forgiveness from the deceased. This can be done in a different form: mentally, in writing, or using the “empty chair” technique. In the latter version, it is very important for the client to be able to see himself and his relationship with the deceased through the eyes of the latter. From his position, the reason that causes a feeling of guilt can be evaluated in a completely different way and, perhaps, even be perceived as insignificant. At the same time, a person can suddenly clearly feel that for everything that he is really guilty of, the deceased "surely forgives" him. This feeling reconciles the living with the dead and brings peace to the former.

And yet, sometimes, if guilt is too inadequate and hypertrophied, acknowledging it before the deceased does not lead to spiritual reconciliation with him or to a reassessment of the offense, and self-accusation sometimes turns into a real one (self-flagellation. As a rule, this state of affairs is facilitated by the idealization of the deceased and “denigration "of himself, exaggeration of his shortcomings. In this case, it is necessary to restore an adequate perception of the personality of the deceased and his own personality. It is usually especially difficult to see and recognize the shortcomings of the deceased. Therefore, the first task is to help the mourner come to terms with his weaknesses, learn to see in himself strengths Only then is it possible to recreate a realistic image of the deceased.This can be facilitated by talking about the personality of the deceased in all its complexity, about the combined advantages and disadvantages in it.

Thus, starting with a request to his loved one for forgiveness, a person comes to forgive him himself. It is noteworthy that the forgiveness of the deceased for possible insults inflicted on him can also, to some extent, relieve the grieving from excessive feelings of guilt, because if he continues to be offended for something at the deceased in the depths of his soul, experience negative feelings towards him. emotions, then he can blame himself for it. Moreover, resentment towards the deceased and his idealization, logically contradicting each other, can actually coexist at different levels of consciousness. Thus, having come to terms with his own imperfection and asking for forgiveness for his own mistakes, as well as accepting the weaknesses of the deceased and forgiving them to him, a person reconciles with his loved one and at the same time gets rid of the double burden of guilt.

Reconciliation with a loved one is very important, because it allows you to take a decisive step towards the end of earthly relationships with him. Feelings of guilt indicate that there is something unfinished in the relationship with the deceased. However, according to the apt remark of R. Moody, “in fact, everything unfinished has ended. You just don't like that ending." That is why it is important to reconcile and accept everything as it is, so that you can live on.

In addition to the general picture of working with guilt, let's add a few touches concerning particular situations and individual cases of guilt, as well as obsessive fantasies about a possible "salvation" of the deceased. Many of these situations are transient, and therefore do not require special intervention. So, it is not at all necessary to deal with repeated "if" in the client. Sometimes you can even get involved in his game, and then he himself will see the unrealism of his assumptions. At the same time, since one of the sources of guilt and the obsessive phenomena associated with it can be a person's overestimation of his ability to control the circumstances of life and death, in some cases it is appropriate to work with the attitude towards death in general. With regard specifically to the guilt of the survivor, the guilt of relief or joy, in addition to everything that has been said in these cases, elements of an unobtrusive “Socratic dialogue” (maieutics) can be used. It is also important to inform a person about the absolute normality of these experiences and, relatively speaking, to give him “permission” to continue a full life and positive emotions.

4. Stage of suffering and depression. At this stage, the actual suffering from the loss, from the resulting emptiness, comes to the fore. The division of this stage and the previous one, as we remember, is very conditional. Just as at the previous stage, along with guilt, suffering and elements of depression are certainly present, so at this stage, against the background of dominant suffering and depression, a feeling of guilt can persist, especially if it is real, existential. Nevertheless, let's talk about psychological help specifically for a person suffering from a loss and experiencing depression.

The main source of pain for the grieving is the absence of a loved one nearby. Loss leaves a big wound in the soul, and it takes time for it to heal. Can a psychologist somehow influence this healing process: speed it up or make it easier? Essentially, I think not; probably only to some extent - by walking with the mourner some part of this path, substituting a hand for support. This joint path can be as follows: to remember a past life when the now deceased was nearby, to revive the events associated with him, both difficult and pleasant, to experience feelings related to him, both positive and negative. It is also important to identify and mourn the secondary loss that the death of a loved one entails. It is equally important to thank him for all the good that he did, for all the light that is connected with him.

Co-presence with the grieving person and a conversation about his experiences (listen, give the opportunity to cry) are again of great importance. At the same time, in everyday life, the role of these aspects of communication with the bereaved becomes less active at this stage. As E. M. Cherepanova notes, “here you can and should give a person, if he wants it, to be alone.” It is also desirable to involve him in household chores and socially useful activities. The actions of a psychologist or people around him in this direction should be unobtrusive, and the mode of life of the grieving person should be gentle. If the person experiencing the loss is a believer, then during the period of suffering and depression, spiritual support from the church can become especially valuable for him.

The main goal of the psychologist's work at this stage is to help in accepting the loss. In order for this acceptance to come about, it may be important that the mourner first accepts his or her grief over the loss. It will probably be better for him if he is imbued with the realization that "pain is the price we pay for having a loved one." Then he will be able to relate to the pain he experiences as a natural reaction to the loss, to understand that it would be strange if it were not there.

Suffering, including that caused by the death of a loved one, can be not only accepted, but also endowed with an important personal meaning (which in itself has a healing effect). The world-famous founder of logotherapy, Viktor Frankl, is convinced of this. And this is not the result of theoretical reflections, but the knowledge he personally suffered and tested by practice. Explaining his thought, Frankl tells an incident connected precisely with grief. “Once an elderly medical practitioner consulted me about severe depression. He couldn't get over the loss of his wife, who died two years ago and whom he loved more than anything. But how could I help him? What should have been said to him? I refused any conversation and instead asked him a question: “Tell me, doctor, what would happen if you died first and your wife outlived you?” “Oh! - he said, - for her it would be terrible; how much she would suffer!” To which I said: “See, doctor, what suffering it would cost her, and it would be you who would be the cause of this suffering; but now you have to pay the price by staying alive and mourning her.” He didn't say another word, just shook my hand and quietly left my office." Suffering somehow ceases to be suffering after it acquires a meaning, such as, for example, the meaning of sacrifice. Thus, another task of the psychologist becomes helping the grieving person to discover the meaning of suffering.

We say that the pain of loss must be accepted, but at the same time, only pain that is natural and to the extent that it is inevitable needs to be accepted. If the mourner holds back suffering as proof of his love for the deceased, then it turns into self-torture. In this case, it is required to reveal its psychological roots (feelings of guilt, irrational beliefs, cultural stereotypes, social expectations, etc.) and try to correct them. In addition, it is important to come to an understanding that in order to continue to love a person, it is not at all necessary to suffer greatly, you can do it in a different way, you just need to find ways to express your love.

To switch a person from endless walking in a circle of sorrowful experiences and transferring the center of gravity from the inside (from obsession with loss) to the outside (into reality), E. M. Cherepanova recommends using the method of forming a sense of real guilt. Its essence is to reproach a person for his "selfishness" - after all, he is too busy with his experiences and does not care about the people around who need his help. It is assumed that such words will contribute to the completion of the work of grief, and the person will not only not be offended, but will even feel gratitude and experience relief.

A similar effect (return to reality) can sometimes have an appeal to the supposed opinion of the deceased about the state of the mourner. There are two options here:

Presenting this opinion in a ready-made form: “He probably wouldn’t like it that you would kill yourself like that, abandon everything.” This option is more suitable for everyday communication with the bereaved.

Discussion with a person, how the deceased would react, what he would feel, what he would like to say, looking at his suffering. To enhance the effect, the “empty chair” technique can be used. This option is applicable, first of all, for professional psychological assistance in grief.

The psychologist should also remember that, according to research. the level of depression is positively correlated with feelings about mortality. Therefore, at this stage, as at others, the subject of discussion may be the attitude of a person to his own death.

5. Stage of acceptance and reorganization. When a person has managed to more or less accept the death of a loved one, work with the experience of loss itself (provided that the previous stages have been successfully passed) recedes into second place. It contributes to the final recognition of the completeness of the relationship with the deceased. A person comes to such completeness when he is able to say goodbye to his loved one, carefully put in memory everything valuable that is connected with him, and find a new place for him in the soul.

The main task of psychological assistance moves to another plane. Now it mainly boils down to helping a person rebuild his life, to enter a new stage of life. To do this, as a rule, you have to work in different directions:

To streamline the world where there is no longer a dead person, to find ways to adapt to a new reality;

Rebuild the system of relationships with people to the extent necessary;

Reconsider life priorities, thinking about a variety of areas of life and identifying the most important meanings;

Determine long-term life goals, make plans for the future.

Movement in the first direction may start from the theme of secondary losses. A possible way to discover them is to discuss the diverse changes that have occurred in a person's life after the death of a loved one. Internal emotional changes, namely the difficult experiences associated with the loss, are obvious. What else has changed - in life, in the ways of interacting with the outside world? As a rule, it is easier to see and recognize negative changes: something is irretrievably lost, something is now missing. All this is an occasion to thank the deceased for what he gave. Perhaps the resulting lack of something can be somehow filled, of course, not in the way it was before, but in some new way. Appropriate resources must be found for this, and then the first step towards the reorganization of life will already be taken. As R. Moody and D. Arcangel write: “Life balance is maintained when our physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual needs are met. … Losses affect all five aspects of our being; however, most people overlook one or two of them. One of the goals of proper adaptation is to maintain the balance of our lives.

At the same time, in addition to undoubted losses and negative consequences, many losses also bring something positive to people's lives, turn out to be an impetus for the birth of something new and important (see, for example, in the previous section, the story of Moody and co-author about the possibility of spiritual growth after loss). In the early stages of experiencing the death of a loved one, it is usually not recommended to start talking about its positive consequences or meanings, as this is likely to meet with resistance from the client. However, in the later stages, when there are hints of acceptance of the loss and there is a corresponding readiness on the part of the client, discussion of these difficult moments becomes already possible. It contributes to a more subtle perception of the loss that has occurred and the discovery of new life meanings.

The actions of the psychologist, who works with the client in other directions - on understanding his life and increasing its authenticity - in essence resemble the work of an existential analyst and logotherapist. At the same time, slowness, naturalness of the process and careful attitude to the emotional movements of the client are a necessary condition for success.

At any stage of experiencing loss, rituals and rituals perform an important supporting and facilitating function in relation to the grief of a person who has lost his loved one. Therefore, the psychologist should support the client's desire to participate in them, or, alternatively, recommend it himself, if this proposal is consistent with the mood of the person. Many domestic and foreign authors speak about the importance of rituals, and scientific studies testify to the same. R. Kociunas speaks on this topic as follows: “Rituals are very important in mourning. The mourner needs them like air and water. It is psychologically essential to have a public and sanctioned way of expressing complex and deep feelings of grief. Rituals are necessary for the living, not for the dead, and they cannot be reduced to the point of losing their purpose.

Modern society deprives itself a lot, moving away from centuries-old cultural traditions, from rituals associated with mourning and comforting the mourners. F. Aries writes about it this way: “At the end of the 19th or the beginning of the 20th century. these codes, these rituals have disappeared. Therefore, feelings that go beyond the ordinary either do not find expression for themselves and are restrained, or splash out with unrestrained and unbearable force, since there is nothing more that could channel these violent feelings.

Note that rituals are needed both for the one who is experiencing the loss, and for the one who is next to him. They help the first to express their grief and thereby express their feelings, the second - they help to communicate with the grieving, to find an adequate approach to him. Deprived of rituals, people sometimes simply do not know how to behave with a person who has suffered the death of a loved one. And they do not find anything better than to move away from him, to avoid a problematic topic. As a result, everyone suffers: the grieving one suffers from loneliness, which intensifies an already difficult state of mind, those around him suffer from discomfort and, possibly, also from guilt.

Of fundamental importance for the bereaved is the main ritual associated with death - the funeral of the deceased. This is often discussed in the specialized literature. “The funeral ceremony provides people with an opportunity to express their feelings about how the life of the deceased has affected them, to mourn what they have lost, to realize what the most precious memory will remain with them, and to receive support. This ritual is the cornerstone of the forthcoming mourning. How important it is for the relatives of the deceased to participate in his funeral, so fraught with adverse psychological consequences is the absence of them. On this occasion, E. M. Cherepanova notes: “When a person is not present at a funeral for various reasons, he may experience pathological grief, and then, in order to alleviate his suffering, it is recommended to somehow reproduce the funeral and farewell procedure.”

Many rituals, historically developing in the church environment and in line with the beliefs of our ancestors, have a religious meaning. At the same time, this means of external expression of grief is also available to people of an atheistic worldview. They can come up with their own rituals, as foreign experts suggest. Moreover, these "inventions" do not have to be public at all, the main thing is that they make sense.

However, despite the theoretical possibility of individual rituals among atheists, religious people, on average, experience losses much easier. On the one hand, church rituals help them in this, on the other hand, they find great support in religious beliefs. The results of a foreign study showed that “for people who attend religious services and are devout believers, the experience of loss is less difficult compared to those who shy away from visiting temples and do not adhere to spiritual faith. Between these two categories there is an intermediate group, consisting of those who attend church without being convinced of their true faith, as well as those who believe sincerely, but do not go to church.

The idea was raised above that rituals are needed by the living, and not by the dead. If we are talking about those living who are far from religion, then, undoubtedly, this is so. Yes, and religious people, they are also, of course, needed. Church traditions of funeral services and prayerful commemoration of the dead help to say goodbye to the dead, live through grief, feel support and community with other people and God. At the same time, for a person who believes in the continuation of existence after earthly death and in the possibility of a spiritual connection between the living and the dead, rituals acquire another very significant meaning - the opportunity to do something useful for a loved one who has ended his earthly life. The Orthodox tradition gives a person the opportunity to do for the deceased what he can no longer do for himself - to help him cleanse his sins. Bishop Hermogenes names three means by which the living can positively influence the afterlife of the dead:

“First, prayer for them, combined with faith. ... Prayers performed for the dead benefit them, although they do not atone for all crimes.

The second way to help the dead is to give them alms for the repose, in various donations for the temples of God.

Finally, the third, most important and powerful means to alleviate the fate of the departed is to perform a bloodless Sacrifice for the repose of them.

Thus, following church traditions, the believer not only finds in them a way to express his feelings, but, which is very important, also gets the opportunity to do something useful for the deceased, and in that for himself to find additional comfort.

Let us pay special attention to the meaning of the prayers of the living for the dead. Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh reveals their deep meaning. “All prayers for the deceased are precisely a testimony before God that this person did not live in vain. No matter how sinful and weak this person was, he left a memory full of love: everything else will decay, and love will survive everything. This idea has been repeatedly expressed by various authors, in particular I. Yalom (1980).
. That is, a prayer for the deceased is an expression of love for him and a confirmation of his value. But Vladyka Anthony goes further and says that we can testify not only by prayer, but also by our very lives, that the deceased did not live in vain, embodying in his life everything that was significant, high, genuine in him. “Everyone who lives leaves an example: an example of how to live, or an example of an unworthy life. And we must learn from every living or dead person; bad - to avoid, good - to follow. And everyone who knew the deceased should think deeply about what seal he left with his life on his own life, what seed was sown; and must bear fruit” (ibid.). Here we find the deep Christian meaning of the reorganization of life after a loss: not to start a new life, freed from everything connected with the deceased, and not to remake our life in his manner, but to take valuable seeds from the life of our loved one, sow them on the soil of our life and nurture them in your own way.

In conclusion of the chapter, we emphasize that not only rituals, but also religion in general, play an important role in the experience of grief. According to numerous foreign studies, religious people are less afraid of death, they are more accepting of it. Therefore, the principle of relying on religiosity can be added to the above general principles of psychological assistance in grief, which calls on the psychologist, regardless of his attitude to matters of faith, to support the client’s religious aspirations (when they eat). Faith in God and in the continuation of life after death, of course, does not eliminate grief, but brings a certain consolation. Saint Theophan the Recluse began one of the funeral services for the deceased with the words: “We will cry - a loved one has left us. But we will weep as believers,” that is, with faith in eternal life, and also that the deceased can inherit it, and that someday we will be reunited with him. It is this (with faith) mourning for the dead that helps to overcome grief more easily and quickly, illuminates it with the light of hope.

The role of experiences in crisis and extreme situations

The overall goal of the work of experiencing is to increase the meaningfulness of life, “re-creation”, reconstruction by a person of his own image of the world, which allows him to rethink a new life situation and ensure the construction of a new version of the life path, ensure further development of the personality.

Experience is a kind of restorative work that allows you to overcome the inner gap of life, helps to gain the psychological opportunity to live, this is also a “rebirth” (from pain, from insensibility, from a state of hopelessness, meaninglessness, despair). The psychological content of the recovery process and the main task of psychological assistance is the reconstruction of the subjective image of the world of the individual (first of all, re-identification, the creation of a new image of the Self, the acceptance of being and oneself in it).

It should be noted that although the experience can also be realized by external actions (often of a ritual and symbolic nature, for example, rereading the letters of a deceased loved one, erecting a monument on his grave, etc.), the main changes occur primarily in the mind of a person, in his inner space(mourning, revision of life and awareness of the contribution of the deceased to his life, etc.) (N.G. Osukhova, 2005).

Thus, it can be argued that a person resorts to experiencing (experiencing becomes the leading and most productive strategy for a person) in special life situations that are unsolvable by the processes of objective-practical and cognitive activity, when transformations in the outside world are impossible, in situations that cannot be overcome and from which one cannot escape. Mourning is a natural process, and in most cases a person experiences it without professional help. Due to the relative frequency of experiencing the crisis of loss and insufficient knowledge of the stages of its experience by people, it is violations during this crisis that are the most frequent reason for seeking psychological help.

Grief symptom complexes :

Emotional complex - sadness, depression, anger, irritability, anxiety, helplessness, guilt, indifference;

Cognitive complex - deterioration in concentration, obsessive thoughts, disbelief, illusions;

Behavioral complex - sleep disturbances, meaningless behavior, avoidance of things and places associated with loss, fetishism, hyperactivity, withdrawal from social contacts, loss of interests;

Complexes of physical sensations, weight loss or gain, alcoholism as a search for comfort are possible (E.I. Krukovich, 2004).

The normal process of mourning sometimes develops into a chronic crisis called pathological mourning. Grieving becomes pathological when the "work of mourning" is unsuccessful or incomplete. Painful grief reactions are distortions of normal grief. Transforming into normal reactions, they find their resolution.

I will briefly present the manifestations of the dynamics of experiencing loss (grief) in a schematic form (6 stages).

Features of the dynamics of experiences in case of loss (loss)

Loss Crisis Stage 1: Shock - Numbness

Typical manifestations of grief:

Feeling of the unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, stunnedness: "as if it were happening in a movie." The speech is inexpressive, low intonation. Muscle weakness, slow reactions, complete detachment from what is happening. The state of insensibility lasts from a few seconds to several days, on average - nine days

:

"Anesthesia of feelings": the inability to emotionally respond to what happened for a long period of time - more than two weeks from the moment of loss

Loss Crisis Stage 2: Denial

"It's not happening to me", "It can't be!" The person cannot accept what is happening.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Loss denial lasts more than one to two months from the date of loss

3 Stage of the crisis of loss: Acute experiences

(acute grief phase)

This is the period of greatest suffering, acute mental pain, the most difficult period. Many difficult, sometimes strange and frightening thoughts and feelings. Feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, a sense of abandonment, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness, irritability, a desire to retire. Grief work becomes the leading activity. Creating an image of memory, an image of the past is the main content of the “work of grief.” The main experience is a feeling of guilt. Severe impairment of memory for current events. A person is ready to cry at any moment.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Prolonged intense experience of grief (several years).

The appearance of psychosomatic diseases, such as ulcerative colitis, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma.

Suicidal intent, suicide planning, suicide talk

Violent hostility directed against specific people, often accompanied by threats.

4 Stage of the crisis of loss: Sadness - depression

Typical manifestations of grief:

Depressed mood, there is an "emotional farewell" to the lost, mourning, mourning.

Deep depression, accompanied by insomnia, feelings of worthlessness, tension, self-flagellation.

5 Stage of loss crisis: Reconciliation

Typical manifestations of grief:

Physiological functions and professional activity are restored. A person gradually comes to terms with the fact of loss, accepts it. The pain becomes more tolerable, the person gradually returns to his former life. Gradually, more and more memories appear, freed from pain, guilt, resentment. A person gets the opportunity to escape from the past and turns to the future - begins to plan his life without loss.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Overactivity: Abrupt withdrawal into work or other activities. Sudden and radical change in lifestyle.

Change in attitude towards friends and relatives, progressive self-isolation.

6 Bereavement Crisis Stage: Adaptation

Typical manifestations of grief:

Life is getting back on track, sleep, appetite, daily activities are restored. Loss gradually enters into life. A person, remembering the lost, no longer experiences grief, but sadness. There is a realization that there is no need to fill the pain of loss all your life. New meanings appear.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Persistent lack of initiative or motivation; immobility.

Helping a bereaved person in most cases does not involve professional intervention. It is enough to inform relatives how to behave with him, what mistakes not to make.

Although loss is an integral part of life, bereavement threatens personal boundaries and can shatter illusions of control and security. Therefore, the process of experiencing grief can be transformed into a disease: a person, as it were, “gets stuck” at a certain stage of grief.

Most often, such stops occur at the stage of acute grief. A person, feeling fear of intense experiences that seem uncontrollable and endless to him, does not believe in his ability to overcome them and tries to avoid experiences, thereby disrupting the work of grief, and the crisis deepens.

In order for painful reactions of grief, being distortions of normal grief, to transform into normal reactions and find their resolution, a person needs knowledge about the stages of experiencing grief, about the importance of emotional response, about ways of expressing experiences.

This is where a psychologist can help: to determine where a person has stalled in his experiences, to help find internal resources to cope with grief, to accompany a person in his experiences.