Advice to a friend about an unhappy marriage. An unhappy marriage is deadly. You are becoming more and more distant from each other

According to statistics, in our country only 10 marriages out of 100 are concluded according to love. The reason for creating other families can be for a variety of reasons. This includes the girl’s unexpected pregnancy, the desire to change her life, and the fear of loneliness. Such marriages are obviously doomed to unhappiness. In families where one loves and the other allows him to love, the following situations are most often typical: the husband or wife walks around, drinks, does not respect, prefers to live at the expense of the partner.

Rarely unhappily married people find the strength to end problematic cohabitation, many think: “When the child grows up, then I’ll file for divorce!”, “It’s better to endure than to try to seek happiness and make a mistake a second time,” “All people are unhappy in marriage, I’m no exception.” " etc. Most people continue to live in marriage because they are afraid to leave a child without a father or mother or do not believe that after a divorce they can become happy.

Surprising behavior of people who, in order to preserve their marriage, are ready to endure indifference and lack of attention to themselves, disrespect and even... They live under the same roof with a person whom they have not loved for a long time, preferring to endure humiliation, insults, betrayal and assault for many years. And only in old age, looking back, do they understand that life has been lived in vain, and it is impossible to remember anything good that the person with whom you spent so many years together did for you. In the soul, instead of gratitude there is hatred, instead of a desire to help - to take revenge for a bunch of nerves, complexes, tears cried, the pain of betrayal and hopelessness.

And only after 50 years many People they come to the understanding that they didn’t have to wait and endure, but they had to start over from scratch and try to become happy. There was no need to listen to the advice of those who claimed that each person builds his own happiness. Happiness in marriage is possible only when there is a commonality of interests, understanding and desire between the spouses to make every effort to improve their life together.

If one of partners makes every effort, wanting to make all family members happy, and the second one tries to do nothing and live at his expense, then only spiritual masochists can continue to expect respect and happiness in this case. Apparently they enjoy tormenting and waiting due to the mental makeup of their character. Happiness in marriage is possible only when each spouse understands that next to him is a person with his own dreams, needs and desires, when each strives to make the other happy. And for this you need to love...

There is nothing unnatural in what a person wants to have family, raise children and be happy. Just don’t, being married, take on the role of a victim and endure, following the advice of your parents “it’s necessary” or “changing one for another is just a waste of time.” Happiness requires much more... If a person were happy in marriage, he would never leave the family. Every person makes mistakes in life, but this does not mean that he must pay for this mistake with his happiness. Don’t be afraid to step on the same rake twice; for many people, a second marriage becomes a chance for happiness. After all, he already chooses a partner for himself, taking into account past relationships and knows what qualities of a partner are most valuable for family life.

In many families wife and husband they continue to live together only for the sake of the children or because it is not good to get a divorce. They have no desire to spend free time together and discuss family problems. They have become complete strangers to each other, but they are afraid to get a divorce because of the judgment of others or to deprive the child of his father. Of course, divorce is a serious psychological trauma for both the spouses themselves and their children. But think about whether you are depriving happiness by taking on the role of a victim, not only yourself, but also your child. After all, happy children grow up only with happy parents, but how will they grow up in an atmosphere where parents constantly fight, call each other names and slam doors?

If you have already lived in marriage more than 7 years, and problems and scandals do not stop, then this may be the first sign that it’s time for you to try living separately. You have already lived through the critical periods of family life - 3 years and 7 years, and hope for better life It's hardly worth further. It is not at all necessary to immediately file for divorce; first, analyze your life and invite your spouse to test their relationship by separation. For example, living separately for one year. At the same time, try to create the same conditions as if you were already divorced.

If, while apart, you realize that your marriage was a mistake, and it is much more comfortable and peaceful for you and your children to live separately, you can safely file for divorce. And vice versa, if during the period of your separate residence you constantly remembered only the pleasant moments of your family life and realized that you were wrong in many ways, then the need for divorce itself will disappear, and the relationship between the spouses will become much better.

Modern sociologists believe that in recent years traditional marriage has become obsolete, and civil and guest marriages have become the most relevant. Today, most women, just like men, are able to independently provide not only for themselves, but also for their children. A child raised in a single-parent family, regularly communicating with his father and respecting his decisions, is now considered the norm. However, many people continue to endure humiliation, insults and even assault from their partner, taking on the role of the victim and depriving themselves of the opportunity to be happy.

Hello, I’m asking for help, because in this state I can’t find the right way out. I’m Russian. I married an adult Georgian, there was passion, but there was no love on my part, he courted me very well, took care of me, and that’s what bribed me. You could say I replaced my father, the cat I missed so much. I was 17, he was 31, in At the age of 20, she gave birth to a boy. Rented apartment, building her own house, Small child, everything suited us, there were, of course, quarrels, because we were disappointed in each other, he did not coincide with my idea of ​​a husband, and I did not coincide with his idea of ​​a wife. But there was a child and a house, and on the whole we looked and still look like a normal family. We have been officially registered for 9 years. The child is also 9. I am a housewife whose this moment the roof is moving. I can’t see my life without fulfillment in my work, without communicating with people. I am fixated on everyday everyday moments. This makes me angry, dissatisfied, and my relationship with my son is deteriorating. I’m generally silent about my husband. I just hate him. I'm unhappy with my husband. I'm becoming a stupid, angry housewife. My husband provides for the family, of course I’m grateful for that, but... I’m unhappy. You say, what did you want when you jumped out to marry such a person? And you’ll be right, but I realized it too late.

Divorce is also not an option, we live in a small city, it will not give life, he can blackmail a child, they will turn my life into an even bigger nightmare. Go somewhere, but people are right when they say, you can’t run away from yourself. Take the child with you, and who will need him if the mother earns money from morning to night? And going without a child is tantamount for me and him too, to giving up and leaving for an easy life. And I ask you to help me get out of this circle without destroying my family. Now I'm depressed. My husband doesn’t understand what I’m missing: I’m dressed, shod, fed and have a roof over my head. I also wanted to say that he doesn’t need a son either, just like a wife, this is purely formal, because everyone gets a wife and children, and he also started one, so that we could just be. And he doesn’t know what to do with us. And when we ask for something, he simply scolds us. He is busy with work, his family and friends. He either doesn’t like to relax with us or doesn’t know how. And he also says that their wives only stay at home. I have a higher education Teacher Education, spoke to him about my employment, to which he replied, all the women who work get fucked left and right. He says it’s better to take care of your son. And because of the increased negative attention on my part, my son is becoming uncontrollable. In our family, such a word as love is trampled upon. Help me break out of this vicious circle. Thank you in advance.

I sympathize with your situation, it’s not easy to sit at home with a child without fulfillment, support, love, friends. No wonder you are depressed, have absolutely no resources, nowhere to apply your energy... And it seems that you have the feeling that you are trapped.

There are some aspects of your story that stuck with me.
First, you have an idea of ​​how things will go if you get divorced. It's probably related to your experience, and it's stopping you. And I would like to respond to her: yes, it will not be easy, without a doubt, but you will gain freedom of thoughts and actions. You find yourself. And a child with a mother who takes care of herself will feel differently. In the meantime, he can copy the disrespectful attitude towards you on the part of your husband, and consider this the norm. And in the current situation there are advantages for which you stay, and the potential choice will also have difficulties and its positive sides.

As for relationships, it is not clear whether you love your husband or whether he loves you. Are you both ready for life and relationship changes? In the direction where he will stop being your dad, who is so afraid that he won’t let you go anywhere, and you will stop being your daughter who doesn’t dare contradict. (This is an example diagram, perhaps this is not about you. The main thing here is that the relationship is frozen in certain roles). After all, you can frighten yourself all your life with an evil snake and do nothing, and never take responsibility for your life. It seems useless to wait for changes from your husband, and even on his initiative. Are you ready to live like this for the rest of your life?

It’s a different story, if there is a risk of physical harm, then you need to think carefully about security issues first.

These are all difficult questions, you shouldn’t expect or demand quick decisions and actions from yourself, but I would like to wish you to start taking care of yourself a little: find friends, study the market for working from home remotely, play sports, listen to pleasant music - whatever , you can do it a little bit, just to regain sensitivity to yourself, to cultivate the importance of yourself for yourself.

Evgenia Bulyubash
Consultations in person and via Skype, Moscow

Our women often take a troubled marriage for granted. They refer to the fact that everyone lives like this, and some live even worse. And they think that loneliness is even worse. However, in reality, an unhappy marriage suppresses a woman, depriving her of the opportunity to become happy. What are the signs of a woman who is unhappy in her marriage?

Yearning

Are you doing well, but you still don’t know what to do with yourself? Such confusion is very typical for women who do not feel happy in marriage, but have not yet fully connected this event with their melancholy. The company of your beloved husband has ceased to please you, but you are afraid to admit it to yourself.

Sexual dissatisfaction

It doesn't depend on whether you have sex. This is possible even if you have full sex life. But your partner has stopped satisfying you, and you just can’t figure out the reasons.

Reluctance to have sex with a partner

You really want sex, but your husband does not turn you on, this is a reason to think about whether you are happy in your marriage with this person. Intimacy is one of the most important components of a happy relationship, and if desire wanes, it can signal serious problems.

Desire for intrigue

You're not really in love with anyone, but you really want to. It's not that you want another man. You just yearn for this feeling when you are in love, when people show signs of attention to you. It helps you feel wanted.

Irritation out of nowhere

If you get angry over little things, and your husband’s actions have begun to cause you uncontrollable irritation, this is also a signal that your feelings have subsided.

Indifference

You don't care what your man says, thinks or does. You are not even jealous of other girls anymore - there is no need. This, more eloquently than others, indicates that your feelings for him have subsided.

Interest in other men

No, you don't just look at them with an appraising gaze. You think that you wouldn’t mind starting a relationship with them, or at least sleeping with them. This sure sign, which indicates that you are not particularly happy in your current relationship.

Expert opinion

What are the signs of unhappiness?

This woman does not belong to herself, that is, she is not fulfilled and her entire interest comes down to controlling her husband. Jealousy and resentment are old friends in such families. Mutual understanding, direct contact without manipulation are rare guests in such relationships. High-quality sex has been replaced by routine sex, if it exists at all.

What is misfortune?

Unhappiness is the absence of yourself. This is the disintegration of personality into small pieces, which entails uncertainty in every step, anxiety and fear. Lack of life here and now. All these factors are an imbalance and disharmony of the mental structures of the individual, which entails ineffective adaptation to the environment.

How to overcome this condition?

This state can only be overcome through awareness, that is, attention in the moment and testing reality with the question: “What is happening now? And how can I change this? Through relaxation and breathing, through feeling your body, you can dive inside yourself and ask yourself questions of this nature: “Is this really what I want to spend my life on? What first steps can I take to change this destructive reality?”

What is an unhappy marriage?

An unhappy marriage is a marriage where people live for years and do not know their partner, do not show interest, do not hear each other, manipulate, do not know how to talk without clarifying the relationship, in a word, do not know how to build relationships.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! My husband and I have been married for 3 years, in a relationship for 4 years. We met on the Internet, talked via video conference all night long for about six months, he came to me from Kazakhstan. Now we have a 3-year-old daughter. I'm on maternity leave and not working. My husband works seven days a week, and spends everything he earns at home in front of the TV with beer. I used to drink heavily and raise my hand. Now he doesn’t get very drunk, but he drinks often. Because of his pathological jealousy, I stopped communicating with anyone; he constantly speaks negatively about meetings with friends. Even after walking around the city with my sister once a year, I hear negative things, mainly that I’m looking for someone for myself, they’re introducing me to someone, and the like. I understand him that when he comes home from work (he is a car mechanic) he doesn’t want to go out anywhere, but I sit at home within 4 walls around the clock, except for walks with the child. I watch how my friends spend time with their families, I see families in the park and I don’t understand why it’s not like that with us. We do not have anything in common. In the evening, when he comes home, he sits down in front of the TV or computer. The child is also not very interesting. He is only interested in me when it comes to intimacy. And when asked to take a walk with us or go to the park, a scandal breaks out. I understand him, he is tired. But at the same time, after work, he does not get tired of standing outside the house and drinking beer with friends until 2-3 in the morning. And I don’t see a way out, I want us to have a happy family. But nothing binds us. He thinks that I'm overspent sitting at home and doing nothing. From his side it looks like he comes home tired from work, and I drag him to go for a walk in the park, but he wants to relax - on Saturday and Sunday he works for four hours and arrives earlier, I ask him to take a walk with us. When I get him drunk, he will come with us. We go to the cinema together once every six months or a year. If we go to the seaside once a month or a couple of months (considering that my mother lives by the sea, and we go to her), he definitely needs to get drunk. And when he drinks, he loses control of himself and the concerts begin. Accordingly, we cannot go to visit someone, because he will need to get drunk. When he drinks, hatred towards me just pours out of him. His craving for alcohol is also one of the reasons why I want a divorce. And for him, any quarrel or showdown is a reason to get drunk. He good husband, he works, he tries, his daughter loves him, she says she loves me, I love him. But we are each on our own. If it weren't for the child, I probably would have gotten divorced already. Help me!

Psychologist Elina Aleksandrovna Dvoretskaya answers the question.

Hello Irina!

Your letter is literally all permeated with pain. This is a call for help. Let's figure out what's going on in your life. You write that you want to have a happy family. And as I understand, your views on happiness in the family do not coincide with your husband. Happiness for you is spending time together, walking, traveling. And for him, a happy family is exactly how he lives. Yes it happens, we all different people, and our idea of ​​happiness may not coincide. As I understand it, you met him on the Internet, and did not understand each other well. Because communicating at night via Skype is not at all like living together.

From your letter I can assume that you live with an emotionally dependent person. You write that your husband suffers from pathological jealousy. Such unreasonable jealousy is characteristic of people with low self-esteem and strong psychological dependence on relationships with a partner. Such people are rarely characterized by self-sufficiency, confidence in their attractiveness and developed self-esteem.

But what worries me more is the possibility of chemical dependence. This is exactly what concerns alcohol. And you need to pay close attention to this, and start “ringing the bells” now, i.e. take all necessary measures to prevent this from developing into a serious illness. Moreover, when intoxicated, he becomes very aggressive.

Living with a dependent person turns your partner into an equally dependent or codependent person. I will not write here about what addiction is - codependency, but I suggest you read articles on the Internet.

It's up to you to decide what to do next. Here I see two ways: either accept him entirely as he is, with his ideas about family and leisure, and really try to find himself, his place in life, i.e. try to realize yourself in some activity. Or start all over again in another relationship, with another person. But chemical dependence cannot be tolerated under any circumstances.

If you study modern statistics, they are scary. For every 100 couples who marry, there are 70 divorces. Of course, everyone has their own reasons that force them to part with the one to whom they once vowed to be together in joy and sorrow, but sometimes it is a hasty and rash decision to start a family that leads to the fact that people, after a magnificent wedding or not so understand that their marriage was not happy. And before deciding to divorce, most still wonder what to do to stop the marriage from being unhappy.

Why marriage can be unhappy

If one of the spouses feels unhappy, dissatisfied with how their life together has developed, he does not feel satisfied, no matter for what reasons, such a marriage is definitely unsuccessful. Even if the second one is satisfied and believes that their family life was a success.

Everyone is unhappy in their own way, for some certain situations or behavior mean nothing, but for others they are terrible, unacceptable and painful. It all depends on how strong and healthy a person’s psyche is, whether he knows how to love himself, appreciate himself, whether he understands what he wants from life, what makes him happy, what he is willing to do for the sake of his comfort, and what is unacceptable to him.

Many people believe that when they meet love, they will immediately become happy, their life will be filled with light and joy, sorrows and problems will disappear, everything will be good and wonderful for them. And when this doesn’t happen, they don’t even understand that sometimes the reason is not what kind of man is next to them, but what kind of representatives of the opposite sex they like, with whom they want to have a relationship and with whom they don’t, how they generally see their family life.

They do not realize that happiness does not depend on whether they are single or married. It, no matter how banal or worn out it may sound, depends on the person himself. On his ability to enjoy life, whether he is alone or in a relationship, on how satisfied he is with his self-realization, the fulfillment of desires, whether he is happy with what he sees or does, whether he helps others, what he dreams of, what he believes in, what he hopes for, why laughs, what he enjoys at any moment, whether he perceives difficulties as tasks that he can solve, as experiences that help him grow up and become wiser, or as insoluble problems. If a person is happy when he is free, love will only make his life better, not make him happy.

If the person himself is unhappy, he usually disappears into the life of a loved one, lives not his own life, but his or hers, forgets about his interests, and then very soon the spouse may get tired of them. There is no more attraction, interest, desire to be together, because their partner has completely dissolved in him, and who is interested in their shadow.

When women are confident that only marriage will make them happy, will help solve all their problems, deal with contradictions, eliminate fears, fill their lives, and not complement what they already have, it is then that future problems are already laid in the family, although it has not yet been created. Whoever is ready to pull another person on himself becomes the light in the window for him, constantly feeling how he surrounds him with suffocating attention, considers him a lifesaver, does not let him go even a step, and is constantly afraid that he will disappear or does not love him very much . After all, when it gets difficult, she won’t support her, because all her life she relied only on him, and not on herself.

Marriages are not happy for those who do not know how to love themselves. Such people do not know what love is and are not able to give it until they love themselves. And people cannot live happily together when they do not feel that they are loved, appreciated, thought about, worried about, cared for, given freedom, not limited, but supported, and create a feeling of reliability that he or she is always there. And no matter how they try to demand it, even with the help of screams, hysterics, insults, claims, a person who does not love himself is not able to give what he does not possess. After all, you can show love when you show it to yourself, and you know what it is.