Get rid of the "good girl" complex. A Typical “Good Girl” Story How to Get Rid of the Obedient Girl Syndrome

Sometimes we do everything for others. We spend so much energy, we give everything of ourselves. And in response? No thanks! Is it really that hard to just say "thank you"?

Perhaps you should not do good deeds for people, because they would never do something like me? Tired. It's time to be the same. As they are to me, so am I to them.

Every time we come to this conclusion. We have already read a large amount of literature, where they are taught to say “no”. But as soon as someone once again asks us for something, and we undertake to fulfill his request, completely forgetting all the memorized advice. It is better to agree than later to experience a heavy sense of guilt and suffer from the fact that you are not loved.

You do something for a person, and for a moment it becomes easier. And then a feeling of resentment and injustice arises, an understanding comes that the act done was contrary to our own interests. We were used again and forgotten.

It seems that it has always been like this, since childhood. Everyone is just waiting to use our kindness and reliability for their own purposes. It's time to stop this. It's time to learn to say no! But how to do that? How to become bad?

Who is a good girl?

Before answering these questions, we need to understand why this is happening? Why are some people unable to refuse any request, trying their best to please others?

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls this behavior complex good girl. As this science of the mental explains, this complex is inherent in the owners of the anal-visual bundle of vectors.

A vector is a set of innate properties and desires of a person, which is responsible for his preferences, way of thinking, value system and behavior. A modern person has an average of three to five vectors. Some of them create stable bonds that manifest themselves in certain life scenarios.

There are people whom nature has awarded with a phenomenal memory. They are necessary for humanity to accumulate the acquired experience and knowledge and pass them on to future generations. They become good teachers and teachers, professionals in their field, experts. We are talking about people with an anal vector.

These are responsible, decent people who want to be good in everything. And people with an anal-visual bundle of vectors especially. In childhood, these are the most obedient, "golden" children.

Firstly, for children with a visual vector, more than for anyone else, emotional ties with their mother are important, so they are ready for anything, so long as these ties are not interrupted. These are very emotional children who can hardly stand their mother's coldness or neglect.

Secondly, the value of the anal vector is a positive assessment of actions, praise, especially from the mother, because the mother is no less valuable for them. Therefore, they make every effort to please their mother and receive well-deserved praise.

But sometimes adults abuse praise, praise undeservedly or, on the contrary, do not praise deservedly, using for their own purposes the child's desire to be good in everything. By resorting to the manipulation of praise, parents develop in their child an endorphin addiction to it. Such a person, even in adulthood, will strive to please others in everything.

We are all different

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says that for a person with an anal vector, it is important that everything be equal, fair. If he did something, made efforts, then these efforts should be appreciated.

We look at other people through ourselves, we believe that what is valuable and important for us is just as important for other people. For example, praise and gratitude are valuable to us, and we believe that this is the case for everyone. But for others, it may be very different.

For example, people with a skin vector are not used to saying "thank you", because they act from a position of benefit-benefit. The best gratitude for them is expressed by something material. And people with a sound vector in serious conditions may not hear us at all, not pay any attention to others.

When people don't behave the way we expect, we resent them. We do not understand how you can not thank or praise for a good deed. resentment do not let us live in peace.

But at the same time, when it seems to us that we are doing too much for people, that it is time to stop, and denying something, a heavy feeling of guilt flares up in us. Even when we do something not good enough for others, we feel uncomfortable. Life turns out in constant distortions: at first we are offended by the fact that we are being used, then we suffer from guilt that we did not. This causes great discomfort and ruins life.

In the visual vector, the reason for the desire to please everyone may also be the increased importance of emotional connections. People with an anal-visual bundle of vectors may feel that if they are not kind and good to everyone, they will not be loved, which is a lot of stress for them.

How to find a way out

We cannot change ourselves or others. What to do? How to live with it? Becoming bad is not a way out. After all, this will not solve the problem, but only worsen our condition.

The way out is shown by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. First of all, you need to understand yourself, your desires and aspirations. Realizing where the need for someone else's approval came from, we begin to understand what drives us at such moments. And we, not needing praise, do not strive to please everyone. We also begin to love ourselves, and not seek love and approval from everyone in relation to ourselves.

At the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, childhood traumas are worked out, the mechanisms of our behavior become clear, the good girl complex disappears. This is evidenced by the opinions of people who have completed the training.

Individual consultation. Before me sits a beauty, without exaggeration. During the conversation, it turns out that she is also smart and a professional at work. What do I see? This beautiful girl is deeply unhappy, terribly dissatisfied with herself and completely disoriented. An excerpt from the dialogue:

“I don’t understand, what else should I do to make him happy?”
“Why is it so important to you that he is satisfied?” — I ask.
“You don’t understand, I want to feel good! After all, they love good people! — the girl says with tears.

This phrase “I want to be good!” I hear often, but to the question: "What does it mean to be good to you?" never received a clear answer. More often than not, my clients respond like this: "So that he (she, they) be satisfied."

This is a story about the "good girl" syndrome. Although, in all honesty, I will say that the “good boy” syndrome is also common.

Let's see what is " good girl»?

"Good girl" - how is it?

In childhood, the feelings and desires of this girl were not particularly considered, and if they were considered, then in a negative way, with censures, remarks and reproaches. Another option is when the parents' expectations are so high that the child is forced to become perfect. So to speak, justify hopes at any cost.

As a result, the little girl gave up her own feelings, her desires and preferences. If I may say so, she turned away from her individuality, nature, from the true "I" in order to please her parents first, and then act out this scenario with other people.

What does this lead to? Unfortunately, the desire to please is coupled with the desire to be loved. As a rule, there is a strong link here: to be good in order to earn love.

Feel if there is a difference between these models:

“I do something just because I enjoy doing it, I don’t expect anything in return”;

“I do something, and deep down, or maybe quite consciously, I expect that I will be praised, that they will treat me well, that they will love me.”

The problem is that these expectations are not met...

The “good girl” believes that the only way to please someone is to deny yourself. Denying herself, she seems to make a sacrifice, expecting the same from others. When this expectation is not met, the "good girl" experiences anger, often unconscious, covered with guilt and the thought: "Apparently, I'm doing something wrong, something is wrong with me."

Separately, it is necessary to say a few words about what is “right” and “wrong”. These words form for the "good girl" the notorious coordinate system in which she unsuccessfully tries to navigate. But how can this be done if the internal compass of one's own feelings and sensations is blocked?

And so we come to the question of what to do? How to deal with this syndrome?

Syndrome "good girl": how to get rid of?

As scary as it may sound for “good girls,” they first need to choose themselves.

We all know the Christian commandment “love your neighbor as yourself”, and in order to love your neighbor, you must first love yourself. Deal with your feelings and learn to talk about them, pay attention to sensations and learn to listen to them. And, finally, to understand: what do I want, what do I dream about? And then start implementing your plans.

Of course, at first it will be difficult and scary, because the “good girl” has never done this before. Maybe she will face the rejection of her surroundings, but this should not stop her. Because you can’t please everyone, there will always be someone for whom it will be “indecently good.” But this step will help her find herself, perhaps a complete stranger, and therefore even more attractive.

And most importantly, if the “good girl” inside is good, then it will be really good with her.

10 steps to a new life for all "good girls"

Step #1. Listen to yourself, because others may be confused about what is best for you.

Step #2. Always be guided by your opinion.

Step #3. Love your friends, but be free from them.

Step number 4. Do what you really enjoy. To do this, you need to do deep work and understand what you like, and not your relatives, environment, society.

Step number 5. Travel, it will expand your social circle and allow new people to appear in your life.

Step number 6. Believe in what is really close to you, and boldly talk about it.

Step number 7. Remember that life will eventually end. Live it 100%.

Step number 8. Live in the present.

Step number 9. Accept people for who they are. They have their own way, and it deserves respect.

Step number 10. Please yourself and others when you feel like it.

As soon as you begin to return to yourself, listening to your feelings and desires, you will be surprised to find that there is more love around. You will suddenly realize that you know exactly what you want to do and in which direction to move.

As one of my clients said: “All doors seem to open before me. I just think of something, and I am given the opportunity to implement it. I feel really happy.”

I sincerely wish you to experience this feeling!

Often women write to me that they cannot understand why they do not have a relationship with a man.

They do everything for him, obey in everything, renounce themselves, their interests, girlfriends, if only the darling is calm and satisfied (although his emotional state has nothing to do with the woman’s refusal of her normal life), and he does not love and does not treat them the way they want.

Often the opposite happens:
a man begins to change, humiliate, beat, does not appreciate.

This happens because it is fundamentally the wrong position in the relationship.

But there is inside a woman - little girl, which she was in childhood and who did not receive adequate experience of close relationships. She could not earn the love and approval of her parents with her “goodness” (often the most traumatic is the attitude of her mother). Because it was impossible with the parents that she has or had.

This is a painful part of reality, which is very difficult to accept as it is. But necessary. In order for a woman to be able to stop blaming herself for what she is not guilty of. And this acceptance will be the beginning of the transformation of the feeling - "I'm bad, I'm to blame for everything, there's nothing to love me for."

In this way, in relationships with mom and in relationships with men, the same scenario is played out. Feelings and painful experiences inevitably rise up. There is a desire to remake a partner. A woman has an unconscious expectation that a partner can turn anger into mercy if she is good. And the endless running in a circle begins - approval and acceptance turns out to be unattainable.

And this is a very painful experience. The man keeps getting worse and worse. In the inner and outside world comes on stage Victim. A woman begins to feel like a victim of circumstances, the injustice of life. Powerlessness and rage come, with which it is difficult to come into contact. Therefore, the partner becomes a reflection of rage at the parents, at the mother - for being treated badly.

So what is the good girl complex?
These are feelings that are lived according to a certain scenario.

The child has a deep need to feel good for his parents. There is a huge emotional wound from the rejection of the child by the parent, from rejection and destructive criticism.

Parents may behave this way for various reasons:

• narcissism,
• mental disorders,
• destructive lifestyle,
• their own childhood traumatization, with which they did not dare to interact in adulthood, so they unload all their internal negativity into the child.

They see the child as a "savior", but they do not perceive him as a growing separate person. And it's very sad.

A huge desire to be good for mom and dad is the core of the good girl complex. This nucleus is heated, highly charged. Feelings in this core are explosive. There is also a feeling of heaviness and powerlessness in life. Around this core revolve "memories" of events that confirm - yes, I'm bad for my parents. This sensation is fixed in the body very firmly, which is why it is so difficult to get rid of it.

And the need to be good, even if it is not realized, requires its satisfaction. Because she is one of the key.

This is a hunger for warmth, love, attention and caress of parents.
And he needs to be satisfied somehow. Otherwise it's unbearable.

Remember when you want to eat, but there is no food nearby, you have to endure for a long time. How do you feel about it?

So when you're around a man you feel emotional hunger, you really want warmth and are ready to do everything to get grains of attention. This attention is perceived unconsciously as a confirmation that you are, that you are alive. And, unfortunately, the quality of this attention is “low grade”.

There is already a neural connection in your head - "in order to get attention and warmth, you need to give up your desires, you need to endlessly prove your" good "".

It's a vicious circle. This is the circle of trauma. Therefore, when you want love, a good relationship with yourself, you unconsciously, automatically start behaving according to a certain scenario, which is controlled by your good girl complex, that is, feelings, emotions, sensations in the body, your past experience that you lived through many times. You don't even need to remember it. You live in it every day.

The main manifestations of the "good girl" complex

• Sacrifice. You tolerate bad attitudes (in the family, at work, in society).
• Inability to protect oneself, experience of humiliation.
• You are very easy to manipulate.
• A total sense of guilt, for which you sometimes cannot find a real justification.
• Self-punishment, denial of benefits and development.

And the exit from this complex:

• awareness,
• feelings healing,
• change in sensations in the body
• new attitudes and beliefs in your thinking,
• the person who will be there. Will accept you for who you are and help heal your trauma.

Start taking care of yourself. You are already good enough. Strive to be good to yourself first. Then you will understand that you can not be "good" or "bad" - but just yourself.

You, who you are, deserve the best. It's just a fact.
And this is a reality that you do not yet feel - but it is.
It's time to say NO to past experiences. And choose new experience. This is the way.

You can create a new experience in the analytical process, together with a psychologist. And gradually transfer it to relationships with people around you. You will be attracted to completely different people - benevolent towards you. And you can afford NOT to communicate with those who are not worthy of you.

You will find what your soul aspires to - a feeling of goodness, regardless of the attitude of other people towards you. This will give you the strength not to slide into the abyss of suffering and humiliation in relationships.

You will learn value myself. And feel your uniqueness!

Many representatives of the weaker sex are faced with such a problem as the good girl syndrome. This syndrome affects both little girls and older women.

The complex appears as childhood and more afraid

Causes of the syndrome

The complex is acquired in childhood. Then the child receives attitudes that contribute to the formation of the image of a good girl:

• be humble;
• do not argue with the elders;
• be obedient, polite, etc.

In most cases, the mother is to blame for the formation of this complex. In order to earn the love of her mother, to attract her attention, the girl must bring good grades from school, wash the dishes, clean up, and only after all this could she hear words of praise addressed to her. The girl has a firmly rooted conviction: in order to be loved, you need to be good, give people what they expect from you, forgetting about your feelings and needs. The girl takes this childish model of behavior with her into adulthood: she strives to please everyone, in return to receive care and attention, the approval of others. Your own choice, values, desires go by the wayside.

The need to do something to be loved is one of the signs of the syndrome.

Risk group

To a greater extent, this complex is expressed in women, but it has not bypassed men either. A "good boy" often comes from being raised by an authoritarian mother. In adulthood, such a man is constantly looking for the approval of women, he strives to do the right thing, to be good for everyone, even if this is contrary to his principles. The good boy complex is a problem that can significantly ruin a man's life.

A man loses his temperament, he is uncomfortable in a male company, he will prefer communication in a female society. These are men who allow a woman to take over in a relationship, removing all responsibility for making any decisions. They are afraid of quarrels and conflict situations, because because of this they will lose their dignity in the eyes of others.

Symptoms of the good girl complex

There are a number symptoms that accompany the good girl complex:

1. The desire to please and please everyone. Without this, a woman does not feel her value to others.
2. Public opinion. Without it, a "good girl" does not represent its existence, this opinion should be high, criticism in this case is unacceptable and causes only negative emotions.
3. Inability to say the word "no". Even if it goes against your wishes.
4. Feeling that you owe something to someone: husband, parents, children, boss.
5. All good. Whether the situation is comfortable or not, the “good girl” will tolerate it and go with the flow until the problem resolves itself.
6. Fear of offending someone. A woman suffering from this complex tries to do everything so as not to offend another. And if she offends someone, then she will be tormented by remorse, there will be no end to internal torment.
7. Negative emotions in relation to others are a taboo. No malice, aggression, envy.
8. Feels guilty. She considers herself not a good enough mother, wife, worker.
9. Relative approval is required. A "good girl" cannot rejoice in her achievements, she rejoices only in the approval of others.

Ways to deal with the complex

First of all, a woman needs to realize that she has a problem. It is very important to get rid of the need to be good and the desire to please everyone. Start acting according to the instructions:

1. Understand that you are worthy of love and respect, and you can only be loved for what you are, and not look for a reason to love you, learn to accept love.
2. Raising self-esteem is effective way in the fight against the "good girl" complex. Start working on yourself and you will realize that you do not need the approval of others.
3. A woman who knows her own worth, in principle, cannot suffer from the "good girl" syndrome. This is a woman who values ​​her inner world and desires, lives with her inner feelings. Conclusion - start appreciating yourself.
4. Learn to say “no” if you don’t want something, learn to defend your interests and desires.
5. Learn to calmly accept criticism in your address and admit your mistakes.
6. You won't be nice to everyone. Don't try to please everyone, try to please yourself.
7. Learn to listen to your desires, to understand what you want, and not what the voice of conscience imposes on you.
8. Feel free. Live for yourself.

Psychological problem solving

The syndrome can manifest itself in the form of obedience

Knowledge of system-vector psychology will help in solving the problem. In it, human psychology is represented by eight vectors:

• anal;
• urethral;
• skin;
• muscular;
• visual;
• sound;
• oral;
• olfactory.

Being obedient is a manifestation of the psychological characteristics of the anal vector. People go out of their way to be obedient in order to receive praise from those around them. People of the visual vector are very impressionable, they like to attract attention to themselves. The combination of these two vectors "gives birth" to people who have a pronounced "good girl / boy" complex. When raising children with such a vector, parents should understand that an obedient child does not need to be taught to obey, he knows how and loves to do it.

The main thing is that obedience does not grow into an uncontrollable desire to please - into the "good girl" and "good boy" syndrome.

This can lead to the fact that the child becomes an easy victim of any kind of manipulation.

Conclusion

It can take you more than one week or even more than one month to fight the “good girl” complex. Because the problem did not form overnight. Seeing the first results, you will understand how your life is changing. You realize that you have inner freedom choice, feel harmony with the world around you. Your life will be filled positive emotions, you will understand that happiness consists not only in pleasing someone, but also in being able to live for yourself and enjoy it.

In almost every woman lives a “good girl”, trying to be comfortable and problem-free for everyone, which is why we suffer from migraines and depression more often than men. “Good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go wherever they want” - the title of the book by psychologist Ute Erhard has become the slogan of those who want freedom and happiness.

Following the German problem, domestic psychologists also became interested. On the Internet, it is easy to find a number of manuals and trainings on how to get rid of the "good girl" complex, how to stop constantly trying to live up to someone's expectations, to play a role, and not to live.

Where does the alien mask come from

It is obvious that we ourselves do not figure out how to securely restrict ourselves from freedom of expression, career success, popularity and happiness. Even in childhood, parents, relatives, educators and teachers direct us on the dubious path of sacrifice. Sometimes they sincerely want the best for us, trying to instill the rules of the “future wife and mother” and talking about obedience, the need to give in, the ability to understand and respect for elders. Sometimes, without realizing it, they simply broadcast the same beliefs they have received - “you need to drink milk, it is healthy”, “well-bred children give way to old people”, “you can’t argue with a teacher, she knows better”. But in most cases, adults simply try to make children not interfere with them, to be “comfortable”.

And behavior that does not cause trouble does not imply discussion, independent decision-making, or tastes that do not correspond to the “model”. Boys are allowed more, fearing that they will not grow up strong and courageous if they follow the line and obey unquestioningly. The girls were less fortunate. Over the years, girls are more and more accustomed to do as they were once told, to constantly seek the approval of others, not to stand out, to depend on their parents, and then on their husband.

An ideal employee who is constantly getting more work, but not increasing salaries. An ideal colleague who is exploited by everyone and no one respects. The perfect niece who always quits her job and helps her aunt. The ideal daughter who chooses an institute, marries, gives birth and raises children in accordance with the mother's opinion. The ideal interlocutor, whom no one listens to, but everyone uses as a “vest”. Perfect wife, who consoles herself with the fact that she is the “neck” of the “husband-head” and tolerates any form of domestic violence. An ideal friend, polite, smiling and trouble-free. The perfect victim who actually...

What is she really, a good girl?

First of all, a good girl does not allow herself to grow up. Periodically, she herself feels a discrepancy between the role she is forced to play and true desires. A good girl is unlucky - she becomes the prey of scammers, lazy people and deceivers ride on her, she is often rude, she is cheated in stores and poorly served wherever possible - this is provoked by the ingratiating look and appropriate behavior of the corresponding people.

A good girl tries to please everyone and take care of everyone, and she is willingly exploited, but no one appreciates her and no one is interested in her, she is not the soul of the company in life and not a valuable staff at work. Over the years, a good girl ceases to believe that she can be liked, to believe in her own strength, to take independent steps. And at the same time, a good girl sincerely hopes for gratitude. To the fact that her victims will be noticed and appreciated, to what will await reciprocal love, friendship and respect. After all, she was always praised for her obedient silence and told about Cinderella, rewarded for her patience and sacrifice.

The real "reward" for diligently suppressing emotions that are considered "bad" will be chronic fatigue, insomnia, migraines and depression. This is how true, quite normal feelings “erupt” out, and also tantrums, bouts of anger over trifles, nervous breakdowns, nightmares and phobias.

Stop playing this role!

If the problem of a “good girl” is familiar to you firsthand, it’s time to grow up, stop being comfortable and become happy. Reread the story of Cinderella. Did she find success and happiness while she was modest and inconspicuous, sacrificing herself, working hard and receiving reproaches instead of gratitude? No. Her new life began with a bold step, with an escape from home, with an appearance in society, with a beautiful dress and flirting. Of course, Cinderella changed with the help of the Fairy - but you are smarter and more educated than the heroine of a fairy tale and you can become your own Fairy.

What threatens an independent and free woman who does not turn her life into an adjustment to those around her? Nothing wrong! If someone considers them "bad", then they do not pay attention because they are happy and loved. And no one dies from their reasonable selfishness, and the world around does not collapse from the fact that they allow themselves to be real.

Say "NO"

The most difficult and most necessary thing that a former “good girl” will have to learn is to refuse people: firmly, but without offending.

Psychologist Varvara Popova says:“In order for your “no” to sound confident and unequivocal, believe in your refusal. You should not feel guilty about your right not to fulfill the desires of another. If you have time, but the one who asks does not, you are not obliged to help him: his inability to calculate time and effort is not your problem. If they try to manipulate you and put pressure on pity - complain in response, but what, is everything perfect with you?

Give the interlocutor a compliment: “This is a great option, but I can’t bring it to life”, “This is a great thought / idea, but ...”, “You feel so subtly, I think you understand very well ...”. Refuse succinctly, briefly stating the reason, but without going into details or making excuses. If the person insists because he is used to you always agreeing to the request, feel free to repeat the refusal: “I understand you / you, but I can’t, because ...”. You can repeat it three times so that the interlocutor understands that you really refuse his offer / request.

And it does not matter what exactly you are afraid of, anger, resentment, revenge, something else, it is important that fear does not make you once again step on the throat of your desires and needs. Do not try to suppress fear, choose the path "I'm afraid, but I do." Admit to yourself: "Yes, I'm afraid" - and say "NO!".

This will be the first step on the way from a “good girl” to a happy woman.”