DEGREES OF COMPARISON OF ADJECTIVES In English, as in Russian, ...
Hello dear community members.
My name is Marina. My son is 23 years old. Recently, my husband and I have been increasingly concerned about our son's problems in relationships with surrounding peers, his place in the team and his prospects. And most of all, his loneliness worries him, as the most striking evidence and consequence of these common problems. I don't have and never had a girlfriend or girlfriend.
As a child, he was a sociable and active child, but very conflicted. There were constant conflicts and misunderstandings with other children. Often he became an offender, sometimes he himself returned offended / having a fight home in tears. Unfortunately, we had to give up the kindergarten, because. he did not want to observe a quiet hour and, again, often quarreled with the guys.
At school, both in junior and senior classes, he was friends only with boys. By this time he became very shy and shy. I never talked with girls during school hours, in my free time I also did not communicate, did not walk with them. Grades 10-11 finished my studies at another school - there I did not get along with the team and became even more shy and withdrawn, immersed myself in computer games. He did not maintain old contacts and therefore did not communicate with anyone at all, practically did not leave the house. He quit before entering the Institute of the Game, although this did not reduce the time spent at the computer.
Now she is studying at the 5th (last) course at the institute. In fact, his situation in terms of communication has not changed. He did not acquire close friends for all 5 years at the institute. As he says, during school hours he communicates with 5-6 guys from the group, and has practically no contact with the rest of the team. According to him, he communicates with the girls from the group only at the “hi-bye” level or sometimes helps with studies if they ask for help (he is a quick-witted guy, one of the most successful in the group). In terms of communication from girls, he "needs nothing."
I never talked about any girl from the institute, there was never any talk of any kind of sympathy, etc. When I ask if there really aren't any pretty, smart girls at the institute, he keeps brushing it off: "I don't need anything, just them." Such a prominent guy, slender, with an athletic figure, broad-shouldered - and nothing. Many couples have already formed, some got married, and he ... I just can’t believe how this can be. Someone who really deserves everything.
My husband and I are really worried. If for 5 years of the institute he did not form a small social circle for himself, did not find a girlfriend for himself, then what will happen next when the institute ends and professional activity, a working routine begins? Is he really going to remain a bobyl, gloomy and withdrawn? After all, they are unfortunate people.
When I start talking about this, he keeps trying to convince me that he doesn’t need anything: “Yes, I haven’t needed it for a hundred years,” “I am self-sufficient, why do I need a girlfriend?” or "I will never change my mind." I am sure that all this is pretense, youthful maximalism (although it is already too late for this). Sometimes he even tries to demonstrate some kind of cold-blooded cynicism: "Oh, fuck them all ... I'll get to know them again." As a mother, I understand that in fact he thinks differently. After all, this state of affairs cannot but put pressure on the psyche, when most of your acquaintances in one form or another have relationships - they meet, get married or are already raising children ...
My husband and I would be very happy if someone showed up with him. Any girl would be accepted by us as a native. And they always dreamed of grandchildren. Love would give him vitality, would make him happier. And he proudly sours alone without any experience, as if to spite himself and us. And after all, we, parents, are not eternal. Who will be with him when we are gone? I would be absolutely calm if he had some experience of at least communicating with the female sex, but in reality everything is deaf.
Of course, I understand that now a sea of posts will fall upon me with calls not to get into the life of an adult son, to deal with my own problems, etc. But enter our position - indifference is out of place here. Yes, we do not climb and do not impose anything on him.
Please write your opinions, advice and suggestions, what could be the reasons for this situation. Thanks in advance.
Hello, Natalia! let's see what's going on:
my son is 23 years old, he went to live with a girl six months ago, promising to return home in a week or two, explaining that we need to calm down and think about the current situation. But he did not return, he deceived me.
You perceive HIS choice as a betrayal, as a deception. Those. he didn’t do what YOU EXPECTED and YOU were offended - but this is his life and he CAN build it the way he wants - if his choice was to leave (NOT FROM YOU, but TO YOUR life), then it’s up to you to decide - either let go of your son or continue to cling to your resentment. While you will be offended by him, YOUR relationship with him will NOT be built! You will blame him for your offense, try to return what was before and will not let go, he is trying to break out of this connection with you - and in order for the son to start HIS life, he needs to move away from YOU! and you, in order to maintain a relationship with him - you need to accept it!
He stopped answering calls, dropped phone calls or was rude to me so that I would not call him and we would not communicate. I changed tactics and stopped calling him. I am tormented by the fact that he never did this. My son always worried and helped me, I always trusted him. We had a good relationship.
You had those relationships that suited YOU and him when he was even younger! BUT you did NOT build your life, your whole life revolved and revolved around your son. But he left - now he needs to build HIS life, and not hold on to you, so he shortens the distance, building already NEW relationships with you - these relationships are not comfortable for you, you can’t accept the fact that he is moving away, and that HE NEEDS IT, as it deprives you of all the foundations of your life, deprives you of support. BUT - and you put too much on him - made him your emotional partner, he helped you, supported you, you trusted him - that is. I was on a par with you - but your position gave rise to this dependence, emotional dependence. Therefore, it’s hard for you now, breaking off this dependence, everything is torn inside you - now you don’t know who to rely on, who to trust? You need to let him go and switch to your life - the only way you can SAVE your relationship with him, NOT destroying yourself or him!
here he meets a girl almost 4 years older than himself. He became interested in her and of course sexual! He studied at the university and met with her (from Friday to Sunday he stayed with her). these flophouses. He was furious
and this is normal - he is a young man, he has needs, including sexual ones, BUT he was under your well-aimed gaze all the time, there were too many of you in his life, he felt that he could NOT separate from you, that you continue to be close - for a man, if he wants to grow up and create his own family, this closeness with his mother is not safe - because then he can NOT build other trusting emotional relationships with his girlfriend, because the place is already taken by his mother - that's why he began to get away. you saw that he did not like your intrusion, BUT you still continue to wait for him to return to you!
He became very rude to me, cheated, and the most offensive thing was that he was not given anything in his life. But he was raised, loved, cared for, protected, to enter the budget they took tutors. Further more, he studied in the summer in Germany and did an internship there .We paid for German courses so that I could speak the language fluently.
it is always easier to blame someone - BUT - did you give all this to your son in order to guarantee yourself later that he will be there all the time? would you be grateful? Is it now a means of manipulation? You gave everything - BUT - it was YOUR choice, you did not create your life. He's trying to get away. You are resisting! There is only one result - a confrontation between you - he closes more and more, because he sees your resentment, which means you are still waiting for him; You are trying to find a way to get him back. This is NOT an option - it will NOT help you get really closer to your son! Only by letting him go, you will be able to maintain a relationship with him, and for this you need to return TO YOURSELF!
Natalia, if you really decide to figure out what is happening - you can feel free to contact me - I work with similar problems in the relationship between parents with already grown children - call - I will be happy to help you!
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 7 bad answer 10If you have a son, a new book by a sexologist and psychotherapist Alexander Poleev will dispel many parental doubts. How to react if your teenager started dating a girl? What is really behind this hobby? Is it possible to call the feeling of a teenager love? And what to do if you don’t like your son’s chosen one or you think that now there’s no time for love - do you need to prepare for the exam?
Is teen love really love?
The main argument of parents who limit, or even completely prohibit (try to forbid!) a meeting with a girl for their son, is that a boy of 15-17 years old is simply not capable of any deep and lasting feeling, and there will be nothing to worry about if he refuses a relationship with a girl for the sake of studying. Yes, and many psychologists believe the love feeling of a teenager is temporary, frivolous and deceptive.
Modern science knows about love, about this most important feeling in a person's life, but rather about a state, while not everything is known, but it knows quite a lot. At the heart of the feeling of love are two simple installations:
- Idealization of the object of love, that is, attributing to it many positive qualities.
- The idea of the uniqueness of this object for you, to put it simply, the idea that only with this woman you can live happily together - and with no other.
The complex complex of love feeling also includes the desire, first of all, to give to the object of love, and not to take from him; the desire to take care of a loved one, that is, an active interest in his well-being and development; a responsibility for him, respect for him, that is, the acceptance and positive assessment of his personality, character, views as they currently exist. In the love feeling of tenth and eleventh graders, all these components are already present. Yes, they are colored by the psychological characteristics of the character of adolescents, but they are present!
An important component of the state under the name of love is the desire to be in the society of the object of passion as soon as possible and to stay in this society as long as possible. When lovers are nearby, even just walking in the park, not even holding hands, they are in a special euphoric state, in which emotional uplift, excitement, good mood and a sense of security are bizarrely combined.
Love - or Romeo and Juliet Syndrome?
The transformation of the first love feeling into the Romeo and Juliet syndrome, in variants from severe to mild, according to experts, occurs in every fourth teenager. Especially often it is observed in boys from single-parent families, in those who are brought up only by their mother.
The main and practically the only reason for the occurrence of this syndrome is the resistance of parents to communicate with a girl or even just criticism of her personality and behavior - without any practical restrictions. Parents must constantly remember that when the first feeling appears, their son quickly and automatically becomes especially vulnerable, fragile - even if before this love he was quite mentally stable and seemed courageous to you.
The appearance of vulnerability and a decrease in masculinity in teenagers and young people in a situation of love feelings was described by the old Shakespeare. These phenomena exist for only five to seven months, but during this time God knows what can happen to a teenager. Psychoanalysts explain such a change in the psyche of a 16-18-year-old teenager by the process of identification with a girl, the emergence of romantic feelings and special euphoric states when meeting her. But adolescent psychotherapists believe that we simply do not yet know the causes and mechanisms of this phenomenon in the character of boys.
He probably took your criticisms of his friends relatively calmly, although he certainly did not agree with them. But in a completely different way, he perceives critical remarks about the object of love or even affection.
It is far from always that a teenager’s passion for a girl is a great and bright love. Often, boys start relationships with the opposite sex for the sake of self-assertion, improve self-esteem. A huge role in his self-esteem is played by the opinion of friends, peers, and others. Do not forget that for an older teenager (unlike mature men!) It is incredibly important that peers envy him and admire him (the latter is the ultimate dream!). Such an object of admiration can be the presence of a pretty girlfriend, and the girl - a charming young man.
Sometimes a teenager gets into a relationship just because he wants to seem more mature. For some teenagers, adulthood means getting a higher education, starting independent work, and having their own income. For others - the presence of a permanent girlfriend. For the third, unfortunately, adulthood is associated with the use of alcohol...
Rules for Parents of Teens in Love
But parental prohibitions, restrictions, and even just criticism can turn into a "Romeo and Juliet syndrome" even a feeling that was not originally love. Whatever motives guide your son in his love feelings, try to appease your parental fervor and follow certain rules in dealing with him. Otherwise, the teenage crisis will get out of control, the son will “carry”, and it will be oh so difficult to stop him.
Rule one: be sure to get acquainted with the chosen one of your son. You should not make hasty conclusions without talking to her, without getting to know her better. Perhaps she is not so bad or unworthy as you think. Just don’t arrange for her a formal interrogation instead of pleasant communication, you don’t need to humiliate either her or her son.
Rule two: son's love relationship, of course, involves confidential conversations with him about love and intimate relationships. Do not turn a confidential conversation into moralizing. With reproaches and lectures, you will only lower his self-esteem, and then he will try to assert himself at the expense of others.
Rule three: let your son make a mistake. Yes, it can bring him painful and painful experiences. But believe me: you will not be able to protect him from all troubles in advance. So isn't it better to give him the opportunity to gain his own experience, including the experience of coping with mental trauma, the experience of overcoming difficulties and failures?
Rule four: do not try to quarrel your son with his girlfriend; you may not approve of your son's choice, but you will have to respect this choice. And the most important thing: if you, parents, get into a relationship of lovers, then you will certainly find yourself and remain guilty in his mind of all his failures, including those completely unrelated to your intervention. Even many years later, the son may remember how you interfered in his love relationships, how you tried to destroy them.
Rule five: try to tactfully explain to your son - better in the days of his conflict with his beloved, that first love does not necessarily last a lifetime, that the object of his adoration is not the only representative of the fair sex on planet Earth. Let him realize that his life path is still very long, and many more interesting meetings with a variety of girls are ahead of him.
He cannot hear this thought, this statement from anyone except his parents - well, not peers will express such an opinion. Tactfully conveying this thought to your son is your parental responsibility.
Of course, during a period of good relations with a girl and even during periods of small conflicts, the son will only snort, as a rule, he does not even allow the thought that someone can compare with his Masha. He does not admit that he can love someone else. (For an adult man, such thoughts are natural even in the situation of his greatest passion for a woman.) But "snorting" does not mean at all that the son did not hear you; he disagrees with this statement, but he remembered it. And when he seriously quarrels with his first love, he will remember your words. He will remember with great benefit to himself.
My name is Raisa. I read several stories in the "My Life" section and realized that the problems concerning our family are, unfortunately, very common among the younger generation today.
My son is now 31 years old. He grew up as a normal child, studied normally at school, then at the institute, was sociable from kindergarten, was engaged in dancing as a child, then swimming. Friends were both at school and at the institute, they were friends with their entire group, in which there were both boys and girls. For a long time we talked with classmates after the institute, sometimes even now. There was nothing to worry about on our part.
Disappointment in life came at the age of 26. He did not have much personal experience of communicating with girls; always communicated with the company. Met at first with one beautiful, harmonous. Relations seemed to improve, but she was not going to get married, and they stopped dating. After a while, a second one appeared, which was outwardly inferior to the first, and he fell in love, but this girl just used it for household purposes. Help in arranging the apartment that her parents bought her, and with that she said goodbye. My son was very worried, even saw tears in his eyes. A deep depression began, he quit his job, stopped communicating with friends, sat down at the computer ... I understand that only live communication with people can get out of this state. My husband and I began to insist on going to work, in the hope that he would get into a good team, but he preferred to work remotely, since he is a good programmer.
And so a young, handsome, slender guy, whom the girls paid attention to from kindergarten, gradually began to get involved in computer toys. He hardly leaves the house, he works for some time, and the rest he plays. He stopped exercising, refused to go to the sea with us, citing the fact that he was not interested in us. We offered to find him a girl and take her with him, or go with her on his own, but alas ... He would certainly agree if he had a girlfriend. He became thin, pale, his eyes were inflamed from tension, he did not want to talk to us. Either he is just silent, or he goes to the computer, damn this computer. No interest in life, painful to watch.
The guy does not smoke or drink, but it seems that most modern girls do not like them. I understand that there are other girls who want to meet such people, but he does not believe in it, and therefore this is the result. Yes, and where to meet them, if they don’t go to hot places, they don’t get acquainted through the Internet. Lost both faith and hope.
I can't look at it, and I don't know what to do. Tired of crying at night. All friends have been married for a long time, some have already managed to get a divorce. Who to ask for help? I don't want to go to a psychologist. Where to look for a way out?
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: girls, help for God's sake!
Psychologist's opinion
Oksana Blank:
In this situation, faith and support of relatives are very important for a young person. And this support should consist in the fact that they understand him, once again they do not emphasize the fact that the world is unfair and there are only girls around who have mercantile interests.
Mom's sad looks, sighs, tears in her eyes, the desire to solve the problems of an adult son by finding a girlfriend for him - this is all that once again proves to a young man that he is a loser, there is no point in believing in yourself, changing something. Of course, the parents also faced a surprise - their wonderful, handsome, smart son became uninteresting to others. The feelings of parents are understandable - they are in despair, they do not know what to do. After all, before they were effective in their actions and helping their child, and now the resource has been exhausted. Big kids are big problems.
The mother's help, which she resorted to before, doing something for her son herself, no longer saves. Perhaps if the parents stop looking at their son with sadness, they can talk to him on abstract topics without sadness in their eyes, it will be easier for the guy to believe that everything will work out. Of course, the help of a specialist psychologist in this case is necessary for a young person, but in such a situation, as a rule, people refuse to go anywhere. And then parents can go for a consultation, because they also need help and support, they also need to change their behavior, and possibly relationships in the family. It is known that a person changes, the space around him changes. Perhaps the changes in the parents will help their son, because the story shows that in this family there are warm, trusting relationships. It is also important to remember that the way out of this situation cannot be swift, there will not be major changes right away, most likely there will be minor changes in the mood and behavior of the guy, and these changes should be supported by his parents - relatives and friends.
From a young age, girls don’t let someone pass, and someone can’t get to know each other even at the age of 40. It happens that a man is outwardly attractive, and educated, and well-mannered, but relations with women do not go beyond friendship. At the age of 18-20, a guy attributes failures to inexperience, an insufficiently confident position in life, and small earnings. But years pass, and with them dozens of unsuccessful attempts to get acquainted, terrible dates, insulting refusals, painful disappointments.
In attempts to introspection, self-confidence, in one's actions, virtues, and capabilities are lost. Soon comes a feeling of anger, resentment against women, hatred, attempts to move away from communication with the opposite sex, and then with all people. In the fact that relations with women do not add up, a man begins to blame not himself, but the opposite sex. Thoughts that he is uninteresting, unattractive, ridiculous, awkward, lead to complete isolation, loss of self-esteem, real failures at work, severe depression.
So what is the reason for the bad luck?
Every man between the ages of 17 and 45 who has communication problems with the female sex has at least once tried to figure out why it is impossible to establish relationships with women. Each one many times scrolled scenes from life in his head, tried to find the moment where he was wrong, put it wrongly, said something wrong, behaved wrongly. But in almost all cases, the answer has not been found.
The first thing that comes to the mind of any man is the reason for external attractiveness and material wealth. Attempts to change the style of clothing, conversation, to show great generosity in relation to the next chosen onestill not giving results. And when, it would seem, all the ways to get acquainted and advice to start a relationship have been tried, but nothing worked, negative psychological processes are triggered:
- drop in self-esteem
- the appearance of uncertainty, timidity, fear
- developing a passive attitude towards life
Expecting failure in each new case of acquaintance, a man becomes aggressive in communication, defends himself where it is worth opening up. Against the background of such a complex of problems, it becomes impossible to build a career and take care of one's physical health. It's no secret that the source of many physical ailments are precisely experiences, psychological problems.
Low self-esteem - a cause or a consequence of unsuccessful relationships with women?
But not always low self-esteem is the result of unsuccessful attempts to build relationships with women. If a young man does not develop relationships with girls at a young age, he can carry this experience into later life by consciously setting the bar of self-esteem below the acceptable limit. Becoming an adult, a young man with such experience can specifically choose girls in his opinion "worse". In the mind of such a man, the idea is firmly formed that nothing will work out with the best anyway. This assessment is purely subjective, because he divides girls into “worthy” and “unworthy” according to his own taste.
Here is a typical example of such a situation: a 21-year-old young man convinced himself that he was unlucky with girls. Despite such a young age and the almost complete lack of dating experience, he decided that he was not interested in the opposite sex. Friends gave him some advice on how and where to meet, what words to say and how to behave. He began to approach unfamiliar girls on the street, in public places, on the subway and try to get acquainted, but everyone refused him. As a result, he decided that he did not like the girls, did not attract them as a man. With each subsequent acquaintance, he already set himself up for a negative answer in advance. Self-esteem was rapidly falling, which was reflected in the end of his studies, he could not defend his diploma.
In the process of working with a specialist, the young man managed to understand that the problem was that he had low self-esteem. As a result of several meetings, his self-esteem increased significantly, he was able to find his own approach to girls, no longer needing the advice of friends. Soon he had several successful acquaintances, one of which grew into a long-term relationship.
The root of an adult relationship problem may lie in childhood.
Often the answer to the question why relationships with women do not work out lies in childhood, in a family setting. Mom is the first woman in the life of any man. It is on the relationship between mother and son that it depends on how the boy will grow up, how his personal family life will develop.
For example, one man who at the age of 40 decided to seek help from a specialist told the story of his family life. All his adult life he tried to find the woman he loved, but could not. He sought to meet beautiful and successful girls, but the relationship did not work out. The man wondered, “Why don’t I have a relationship in which I would be comfortable?”.
During the consultation cycle, the man managed to understand what prevented him from building relationships and communicating freely with those women who he really liked, who were suitable in temperament, character, and interests. The man was raised by his grandmother, while his mother pursued a career and was successful, but her son was not interested in her. He sincerely loved his mother, but in return he received only coldness and indifference. The experience of the specialist and the desire to solve the problem helped the man meet a bright and spectacular woman, and then build a relationship with her at the proper level.
How to change the attitude towards women?
Most parents want to raise sons who could achieve a lot in life, could start families and build successful careers. There are several parenting patterns that can lead to the fact that a man does not develop relationships with girls throughout his life.
1 model
If the boy is limited in everything, they do not allow him to show his own initiative and do what he loves. It will be difficult for him to make acquaintances with the opposite sex and show a dominant role in the family.
2 model
It will also be difficult to build relationships for the boy whose mother was very domineering and regularly scolded her son for his misdeeds for any reason, even if he was not to blame for them. Such guys are afraid of women, they are wary of the opposite sex and try to avoid moments of crisis.
Here is another example of the story of one young man. At the age of 24, he managed to completely become disillusioned with the girls. He carefully chose each new girl for acquaintance, evaluating all her qualities, but, having become close, he learned that the “ideal couple” was not free. At the first conversation, the guy said that all the worthy girls were already taken, he was tired of refusals, regarded them as his own failure and the superiority of his opponent. He treated the rest of the girls with visible disdain. Many times he tried to get acquainted on special sites, but at the first two meetings he discovered a mismatch of interests and ended the relationship. With those whom he noted as worthy, there were no more than 1-2 dates, after which the girl left.
As a result, a self-confident, successful guy began to experience serious problems with communication, lost interest in work, spent most of his time alone, became isolated. Gradually, the young man managed to regain self-confidence, not to give up, to tune in to finding the right solution. The course of communication with a specialist soon led to real results, the guy invited a colleague on a date. Long communication with this girl grew into a serious relationship.
Timely help from a specialist is the right way to solve the problem of loneliness.
In the problem of unsuccessful relationships, it is very important to find out the reason that prevents you from being harmonious, loved, happy. To hear an affectionate word, to feel the warmth of a touch, to feel needed, to find the meaning of life - every man deserves this. In order for life to gain meaning, and not be an empty existence, you need to find strength in yourself and accept the help of a professional. An experienced specialist will help to change the inner world without breaking the ideology and value systems, and look at it from a different angle. After all, the path to solving a complex problem can be assessed objectively, and then a person will find a way out of this situation. and I will help you.
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